BPDFamily.com

I posted several weeks ago about my nBPDh. We are living in two different states due to his employment. He would come home almost every weekend (for the last two years) and I would go to him when I was able to get away which has been hard with raising two kids, one his and one mine. He's always been high conflict through out our 8 years of marriage and the last year and half it started to become more and more frequent to the point where I had no idea what would set him off and started going to T myself looking for answers. The raging seems to become more frequent when things start to go well for me in my business that I've been trying to build for the last year which has taken me on the round more often in the last 6 months, but it also happens when things feel stressful for him at work. He was in an accident 3 months ago and suffered a concussion on his way to work. Since we live in different states I wasn't there when it happened, I was ready to fly to him to be with him but he was already scheduled to come home 2 days later and told me he was fine. He seemed fine when he came home other than being sore, foggy etc. 3 weeks later he took a cross country trip, during the trip things went sideways at work and he drove from one end of the country to the other in 3 days, barely sleeping so that he could get back to the office. That's when things started changing. He said he was told he could of been fired for what happened while he was gone. Work has always been the most important thing to him and he has always put it above our family. He started to say things about his head not being right and worrying that people at work would think he's crazy. The accident coupled with the cross country marathon and work event triggered something in him. And he started saying random things about his relationships with family (he doesn't have close relationships with family and has no friends, never has) and then about our relationship. Things like I don't need him and he needs to be a big boy about it, that I don't want to come see him (this has been a big one, because one time a year ago I did say I didn't want to come sit at the apartment for a week waiting for him to come home from work just to watch him eat and fall asleep when I have things I need to take care of at home, however I had visited twice since that comment), that he feels alone, etc etc. During our conversations he spoke about the accident a lot and about how he was alone. I know he feels like I abandoned him even though he told me he was fine and was already coming home after the accident, its become part of his story. We didn't see each other for over a month (I bought a ticket to go see him and he told me not to come and that it would repel him if I did that he needed to work through his issues) and spoke three times during that time. The conversation went from him needing to work through his issues to how he can't come home because he has to focus on work right now and if he doesn't he will fail at it because he can't do both and be successful (his words). When I've said fine I will come to you he says no you don't want to come here, even though I've said a million times I do. He came home for 12 hours a couple of weekends ago (12 hours really?) and we talked about the state of our relationship. He got really emotionally and he would say things like that he doesn't think he makes me happy, and he wants me to be successful and happy more than anything. He then said he will always be here for me with tears streaming down his face and that he does love me but again doesn't think he makes me happy and thinks that my business is what makes me the happiest. I was so confused by what he was saying. I asked him if he wanted out of the relationship and he kept saying you are not hearing me. He said he has to focus on his job because its the only thing he can control. We talked about control and about the high conflict situations that have been happening in the past where he thinks I'm controlling him. He will drag me across an intersection by the hand with 4 seconds left on the light and I ask him to please stop. He pulled me through a crowd of people at a show one evening because he wanted to get to the escalator quickly and when my foot got stepped on by another person and my flip flop fell off I let go of his hand. He reached back thinking I was there and grabbed some mans hand. By the time I got down to the bottom of the escalator where he was waiting he started yelling at me. Telling me how I embarrassed him (dropping f bombs) and how horrifying it was that he grabbed another mans hand and that I was playing a game with him and trying to dominate him. I was stunned. He proceeded to yell at me for a half a block about how much he does for me and this is how I act. He kept telling me to apologize and it would all go away. It got to the point where when he turned around and proceeded to walk in front of me while still talking I walked the other way and left. There were people all around us and I was done. He then called me on my phone and was yelling at me to meet him and that if I call my dad to make sure I tell him he was doing something nice for me. I was speechless. WTH does my dad have to do with anything, I thought? None of it made any sense to me. His behavior was completely irrational and illogical. I finally met back up with him and he proceed to yell at me all the way back to the hotel. Once back he continued to tell me I need to apologize and I said no, I didn't do anything wrong. We went to bed and by the next day it was over and he asked me if we were going to have a good day. I still don't know what the hell happened but then I never know what will trigger him. So back to our 12 hour visit. This was one of the "control" scenarios I brought up to him. I said I wasnt trying to control you, if I had I would have been the one dragging you by the hand, but it was you dragging me... .

During this same visit I flat out asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. He said he doesn't know how to fix this and asked if I had solutions. I said therapy and he said we both know therapy doesn't work. I said yes it does I've been going for months now and he said "right because of me". He agreed that in order for us to move forward he needed to have contact with me and thats how we left it. He called me three days after our face to face and sounded in a panic. Said he was sorry for how he treated me and didn't realize "this" was having such an effect on me and then said he was thinking about walking out on his job as the two states aren't working for us but that he may get fired anyway but then said he was trying to stay for a bonus.  None of it made sense. He said he loved me and I said do you want our marriage to work and he said he does. The two times since he continues to talk about how stressful the job is and trying to hang on for the bonus but wanting to walk out. I feel likes its all bull___ and it contradicts the fact that I know his boss loves him and he has always been a high performer at work. While I do think his feelings are real to him he has always made things more dramatic then they are. I don't doubt that his job is stressful but every job he has ever had has been stressful to the point of unbearable for him to where he needs to find a new job.

I'm struggling with what to do here. His limited contact with me is hurtful and it feels like the opposite of trying to make our marriage work. Am I being manipulated? I really think he knows his head is not right but doesn't want to deal with it. It's easier to keep me at arms length than deal with his issues. Im exhausted, stressed out and confused. I gave up my financial independence for him, my home and I feel like I gave up myself for him. I've read stop walking on eggshells and its my life. I'm a fixer... .So my question to you all... .do I just leave him completely alone and not contact him anymore and let him spin in his own self created circus and hope he works it out... .or do I continue to reach out to him? When I asked him how I could help he said just be supportive (because its all about him). But that support has conditions, if we talk he doesn't want to talk about anything that is stressful and if I bring something up like I did the other day we end the conversation and he goes back to being silent. I left him a message on monday to call me. He didn't. So tuesday I text him call me asap and with in 5 mins he called. I needed to ask him a question about finances (life and reality have to go on even if he's checked out on our relationship) and I could tell the conversation stressed him out and since that conversation ended theres been no contact. I sent him a text asking how his day was and no response.

Part of my conflict is with myself, do I keep caring or do I just walk away and file. I don't want to hurt our kids by being the one to file and they are so worried that we are going to divorce and the holidays are coming up and it kills me. I also wonder if he's doing all this to see how much farther he can push me in an effort to regain control. I know that if he was done with the relationship he would end it and go file himself (he did with his ex, although I found out he threatened her to allow him to divorce her cause it was important to him that people knew he filed. She wasn't a strong person and allowed him to manipulate her to the point where her hands shake in his presence and I could never figure out why until recently I read thru the depositions from their divorce. Another eye opener), so why doesn't he? Is it because it doesn't fit the story that he wants to create to tell others? If I file it allows him to be a victim in his mind right?

I know from reading on the board and from my T that I should be focusing on myself right now and doing things that make me happy but its so hard to focus as my mind wants to ruminate on whats going on and what I should do. And then part of me feels alone but when I step back I don't miss the conflict but there are some things about him I do miss. I miss the person I was with for the first two years of our relationship/marriage but he seems to be long gone or maybe never existed. I feel like I'm in limbo but at the same time I know he will continue to provide and if anyone is going to file it will most likely have to be me. I just wish he'd get therapy but I know he never will. Thank you for listening. I feel like I'm all over the place and looking for some support and words of wisdom if anyone has them.