BPDFamily.com

I had a talk with my exuBPD the other day. She recognises she has a problem and is seeing a doctor, there is no diagnosis yet but it could likely be BPD, bi-polar or just a depression. The talk was very openhearted, it was one of those good moments when they see clearly. It ended up as usual with her crying and feeling depressed and overwhelmed. 30 minutes later she emailed me saying "I miss you".

We talked about what went wrong, her new life, her therapy and the future. She said she realised the other day how good to her I was, that I can ground her and we can get through her illness together.

She's in a new relationship, it's nothing special and on her attest has no future, but she stays in it because it feels good on the short term. It's also a lot of effort to end it, her friends and family like him and she's scared of the social repercussions. She says she wants to be with me forever and I'm the only one that can make her dreams come true.

I told her I'm not one to wait around and I'm far in the process of letting her go for good. I asked her if she realised that and she said she didn't. She thinks things will just sort itself out. She has no realisation that she is losing me. It's what I've been thinking all along and that's the reason I still stick around and have a hard time letting go. I asked her what would happen to her if I broke it off for good, she said she'd probably be ok for the first month but after that would realise she lost me and get very depressed.

How come they aren't able to see the consequences of their actions? And even if they do see it, how come they can't take action or make a decision. If she genuinely feels like that about me (which I think she does) how come she can't see the benefit of short-term pain for long-term gain? I feel like she's only hiding from her problems. I read somewhere BPDs have the emotional development of a 3 year old, this is seemingly accurate.

Hi lunchbox123,

It is a common misnomer, but pwBPD do see the consequences of their actions.

There is a tendency for pwBPD to be very impulsive and rely solely on their emotions. This has a lot to do with spontaneity and not planning or thinking ahead. After engaging in impulsive behavior, it is common for a pwBPD to feel ashamed and guilty. That just adds to their poor self-esteem and self-loathing.

Maladaptive behavior is a coping mechanism for the erratic and intense emotions. This is how they cope on daily basis when they cannot regulate their emotions. A lot of pwBPD live day to day and really do not plan or think ahead. A pwBPD admitting that they have a problem and working on it is a step in the right direction. It is hard especially for someone who has so much shame to take that initiative.

It is understandable to wonder why she is not behaving or thinking in a "normal" way. As you mentioned she is disordered. Understanding BPD is an enigma at times. It is easy to perceive someone who suffers from it as behavior and thinking "normally." When we forget, it makes it hard for us.