BPDFamily.com

My uBPDw most likely has BPD, perhaps other concurring symptoms of other illnesses as well. If you wish to read up on my story, I have recent posts on here.

I guess my question is, how is BPD all started? I am still very new to learning about it, but if I had to guess, it is something that is molded over time. Traits are established by lifestyles, routines, etc. I think that yes, there needs to be a big moment in ones life that you can pinpoint to, but in general, is it a gradual thing? Is it the fault of the parents? Is it the way the brain is wired to a certain extent? I have a 1yr old son, will he have BPD if he lives in a loving/caring household? (something I am rapidly trying to establish with my uBPDw). He certainly receives only love from us, and is happy and loving and playful as any kid I have ever seen, but what risks will he have? If he is diagnosed with BPD, would it be at the fault of me? My wife via. genetics? My wife via her mental illness and their unstable relationship?

Thanks

Hi walbsy7,

There is a lot of debate whether the etiology of BPD is nature or nurture. Much of the literature suggests that the etiology is a combination of biological and environmental/social factors (biosocial theory). Essentially, it is a combination of inherited deficient impulse control and a propensity for emotional vulnerability. There have been quite a few studies correlating neurological deficiencies (impairment to the amygdala/fronto-orbito cortex, reduced volume of hippocampus etc.) with emotional dysregulation. Emotional dysregulation is foundation for BPD from a biosocial perspective.  In addition, there have been genetic studies that show an association of 5-HTT polymorphism in pwBPD.  On the other hand, social factors include caretakers who invalidate a child's emotions, poor parenting, inadequate coaching of emotions, negative reinforcement of aversive emotional expression, and abuse.  Hypothetically, if a child has risk factors for both components,  there is a higher risk for psychopathology.  Also it depends on individual factors. Risk factors can be mitigated and it is not guaranteed that someone may develop BPD. 

My mother is severely disordered and I do not have her illnesses. Any risk that I had was mitigated by protective factors.

Learning about BPD helps a lot. You learn to understand that it is no one's fault for developing it.

I understand how you could be worried about your son.    You may want to check out the parenting board. There are a lot of members that have experience with this. 

Hi walbsy7,

When I first discovered BPD regarding my SO's uBPDxw one of the first things I did was hit the library I read all the books I could get my hands on. It's been a while but I believe it was Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr that I found had a good description of what EaglesJuju is talking about.

I found this book to be a very good book on BPD in general you might want to check it out.

Take Care,

Panda39

Thanks I will definitely do that. I appreciate it

In addition to any genetic contribution, I  think it is inevitable that parents will influence a child's behavior and how a child will function in relationships when they get older. Also, in the sense of family systems, it is known that family patterns of behavior can be passed on from generation to generation. This is one of the issues addressed in groups such as ACOA, where adult children tend to repeat some behaviors they learned growing up with an alcoholic parent, even if they didn't drink alcohol themselves.

While the focus can be on the parent with BPD, realizing that one does not have BPD doesn't mean we didn't acquire dysfunctional behaviors in relationships. This was one illusion I had growing up with severely affected BPD mom. I didn't act like her, or have her issues. I thought I was out of the woods.

What we as "Non's" need to consider is our role in the relationship, for ourselves and also, because we role model this behavior for our children. For children, their main role models are the people who raise them. They can model behaviors of both the parent with BPD and that of the non.

Children have "black and white" thinking when they are young - before their more abstract thinking develops. My mother's  behavior was frightening, and so, I saw her as the "bad" parent, and dad as the "good" parent. In the grand scheme of things, it was better to have chosen dad as the role model. He was the more stable one, could hold a job, was our main parent in terms of caring for us. I credit him for the fact that my mother's behavior did not have a more serious impact on us. However, my father was an enabler and rescuer in relationship to my mother.

I didn't "inherit" my mother's BPD, but I "inherited" a co-dependent way of relating to people and a dysfunctional relationship pattern that I didn't even recognize as such because it was "normal" to me. I was so used to being emotionally abused growing up that I didn't recognize it as such. For my H, who does not have BPD, but also grew up in family dysfunction, he had just enough BPD traits to match my issues. However, since he was the "blamer"- the one who did not recognize or admit that he was contributing to the problem, and I was the one motivated to seek change, the "job" of that change was up to me.

So, just as I did not want to pass BPD on to my kids, I realized that this was not up to me. I could not change my mother, or my H, or anyone's behavior but my own. I don't have BPD, so I can't role model that for my kids. However, my job was to not role model co-dependency. This is a huge motivator for me.

Consider that you, as a non, have the potential to make a difference for your children when you take steps to grow emotionally and model healthier behavior for your children.

Thanks notwendy, that was well put into perspective.

I lot of it becomes chicken and egg, once the seed is sown and a childs behavior starts to be 'inappropriate' they start to get into situations that provoke reactions from others that start to fuel it. I have no doubt that this can then determine whether some goes onto develop full blown adult BPD or progresses through it. At that that point is the the decide as to whether they get their emotional development frozen rather than developing.

This is one of the reasons there a is reluctance for early diagnosis, however there is becoming an awareness for the need to identify potential for it (and other mental health issues) in earlier years rather than just dismissing it as being "just a teenager". Having your issues dismissed offhand as a teenager was probably a major component of many adult mental health issues.

"Just a teenager" was how my mother dismissed the issues between us, and so deflected any responsibility for her behavior on to me. It was her behavior that was out of control at home, not mine, yet, I could not dare tell anyone about it. I was a good student, but if someone were to see me in school today at that age they would think I had ADD. I tuned out a lot. That was my way of coping with what was going on at home. Sometimes I didn't do my homework- as home may have been disruptive. Teachers were puzzled that I could do really well sometimes, and sometimes not seem to be paying attention or doing my work.

By this time, I disliked my mother. She would tell relatives and friends it was that "typical teen age mother daughter thing" yet, I was responding to her treatment of me.

The really crazy part about this is that I believed what she said about me, until I became a parent and realized how different the relationship between me and my kids is. I also believed her story that my "terrible teen behavior" ( what was so terrible- I have no idea- I was a good kid ) was the cause of the problems between her and my father. I truly believed that when I went away to college, that they would be happy together.

Now as a mother of a teen daughter, I've seen that "mother daughter" teen stuff and it isn't anything like what we had. It is the teens that can get irritable, mouthy, angry at a parent, but they do so with the understanding that they are secure and loved. Not me. I was actually over compliant, afraid to get angry at her, afraid to get her upset at me. She was the one who was easily triggered and raging, yet I was the "teen problem".

I think we should be vigilant about "teen age issues" but sometimes when we hear that the"teen is the problem", it just might not be the teen.

Kids can also believe what their parents say about them, even if it isn't true.

Notwendy,

Have you talked with your daughter about your childhood and mother? If so, at what age did you start discussing this with her? How much information did you give at what ages?

I have had to balance my ideals of respect for parents with telling the kids the truth.

I think the best solution was to focus on myself. My kids are aware that I attend co-dependency groups and they know enough details to understand why but not so much that it isn't appropriate.  They do have a relationship with my mother, but the grandmother relationship is different than a mother. The nature of PBD is that it affects the most intimate relationships and so, it doesn't affect this one as much.

I can't really speak for what to do if the relationship is with a parent. I think that depends on the situation. I also think that this may be  done with a family therapist, and in that case, I would have considered counseling for the kids and probably at least consulted one about how to discuss it.

I waited until the teen age years to discuss BPD and I explained it as a mental illness. I don't think it was necessary to say much before that.  By the teen age years, kids are old enough to read about it and understand. It's a bit like the facts of life- tell them as much as they can cognitively grasp.

It was very hard to discuss this as I have been conditioned not to. It felt like a betrayal, but I also felt that the key to changing dysfunction was to not perpetuate family "secrets" and bring them out into the open.

Because of the work I have done on co-dependency, my relationship with my mother is much improved and I think I have modeled that to the kids as well. I don't feel the hostility I did as a teen.

This brings up another component of BPD- invalidation. WW mentioned a chicken and egg effect of dysfunctional thinking and behavior that should not be ignored in young people. Even if the child/teen is young and the diagnosis is not certain, it is still possible to deal with emotions and behaviors.

This is the staying board, and so I think the members here wish to stay with their partners. My parents stayed together. There were issues but they also did a lot of good for us.  Although I don't think it is possible to avoid having BPD influence children, I think it is possible to use the lessons on this board to minimize conflict as much as possible and model personal growth.

I know that my mother, and my H, ( and I) grew up in invalidating families, where family issues were not spoken about, or kept secret. This also caused shame- if we spoke about it. Personally, I would be in favor of counseling for kids who have parents with a mental illness, even if there isn't a diagnosis- (for the kids, or the parent- there are still behaviors to deal with), so they have a place to be heard, a place where they can learn to deal with their situation and feelings, and be validated.

This is one reason why I am open ( to a certain extent- boundaries are important) to my kids about my own steps to self care and help- to model this.

I also think what and how to tell kids about a parent probably depends on their situation and maturity and is a delicate situation. I'd be inclined to ask professional help about this.