BPDFamily.com

below is the email i sent to her, its really for me to outline why i am going to try my best to not break NO CONTACT this time round. After more money has been sent to her, she remained unappreciative, became EXTREMELY hostile and abusive (more than I have ever seen before), however i didnt retaliate this time, i simply ignored it or stuck to what empathy, sympathy and truth i could muster before deciding to end this (again).

I have reached the conclusion that your abuse and behaviour is completely congruent with that of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and as such, I am, with immediate effect terminating all communication and interaction with you.

To be clear,

1. NO CONTACT with immediate effect after this email has been sent

2. NO MORE MONEY will be sent to you, nor anyone related to you, your friends or any one else that has had financial dealings with you. your financial problems are now completely your responsibility.

I have wanted things to be different for you, I wanted you to reach your dreams. EVERY year, every month, every week, I tried to do what i can. It was YOUR failure to meet the standards and requirements as a student, a caring, loving, supportive girlfriend and a daughter and mother, that has led you down this destructive path and predicament you are in.

I can do EVERYTHING possible and it will NEVER BE ENOUGH if you don't change how you see the world, your attitude towards your life and the lives of those that care for you. You chose to not care about me, the one person that was sticking with you and supporting you EVERY month. Fine, so be it.

Maybe you will learn to treat those that care for you better or maybe you will continue the cycle of suffering and misery with someone else, in either case, i don't want to be part of the drama and suffering that seems to fester the toxic personality you perpetually propagate EVERYDAY regardless of how dismal the outcomes that you choose to ignore. Your projections and delusions have got you this far... .

i only hope you will find Compassion and Wisdom one day, for your own sanity and health, and happiness. I wanted this for you, but i couldn't force you to see it. I tried but its futile, you choose anger and hate instead.

Goodbye

Not sure of your history ... .but from my experience and knowledge of those with BPD, you’ve no doubt done everything in your power to help her.  She will always need more.  They over-use those willing to help them, while constantly on the lookout for their next savior…  But no one can save them.

Your words may help, or be yet another reminder to her that she’s messed up, deep.  It seems that in the early years there’s a bit more of a chance they may make the effort to seek professional help.  But with or without the acknowledgement of their condition, from all I’ve read, experienced and witnessed, nothing can ‘cure’ them. 

Once they’ve figured that out, burnt their bridges and destroyed numerous relationships… their behavior becomes calculated, for their survival.  That’s the stage at which I met my uBPDxgf of 3 years (and 7 recycles).  She knew, thus, she’d become expert at manipulation.  Blaming others gives pwBPD a lot of mileage - until they hit the wall.  Eventually, even they figure it out; something's wrong.  But since it can’t be fixed, it will continue, leading to premature death and perpetual hardship for anyone left connected to them. 

It is tragic :'(  as we are quickly relegated to near forgotten figures … ‘thing’s’ that simply allowed them to have survived the moment.  To us, they were so much more…  And as their behavior compels them to simply move on to the next host, we’ve been turned inside out.  So, in essence, your correspondence was to yourself.  She will learn nothing, has likely heard it before - and will hear it again and again…

Do what it takes to recover - you will.  ... .she can’t, she will forever be incapable of experiencing the joy of lasting love.  You, now experiencing it’s pain, are free, and without a doubt destined to find it - the real it   I know how you feel, we all do, that’s why we’re here…  But we hurt because we can, and in a tragic sense, that’s good. 

People with BPD create pain in order to ‘feel’ something - anything…  I pity them, and would honestly give my life to have the condition wiped from humanity... .  But it doesn't work that way.  So hold on - to anything and anyone who's proven stable and loving to you.  PwBPD are like a fist full of dry sand - the tighter we squeeze - the faster it pours away…  You will persevere, if in pain, but it’s a pain that affirms you’re alive - so relish it ~

@inside, Thank you for your message

Hi daz_BPD,

I'm sorry to hear that. Good for you that you're going to stick to your boundaries  |iiii Have you heard of JADE? I see a lot of JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) in your response, I find that if I don't JADE it helps with minimizing hostile emails, there are less chances that my ex will respond with hostility. I get that it's your last email, you sound emotionally attached. Don't JADE, there is no back and forth, say things once, let your words stand. I hope that helps.

Understanding JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0)

I think you should use us here, this board to unload.  She will most likely be triggered by this email and feel attacked.  BPD is a shame centered disorder.  She wants to be bailed out but when she is bailed out, she feels ashamed... .and that's why you do not see gratitude/affection from her... .rather you experience hostility.

Given the nature of this disorder, I believe that you will be split totally black and may be at the receiving end of an obsessive vendetta.

It may be kinder to just go totally NC... .your sanity will be the sure result of NC... .who knows, it may be hers too.

God bless... .

Stay strong with the NC, Daz!

I think it was important for my own growth to let it all out like that near the end. I'd spent so long terrified of setting her off, wracking my brain to come up with some fancy SET formulation that wouldn't trigger a dysregulation, and generally silenced by the FOG. There were some days when I would just not talk, or subjects that I hadn't been able to talk about for over a year, because I knew anything I said could make her rage at me.

Once she broke up with me and blew up the chance of a reconciliation, I felt so free. I told her exactly what I thought of her behavior, the reasons for it (including that she has BPD as confirmed to me by her clinicians), and the reasons for the breakdown in our relationship. I knew that what I was saying wouldn't get through to her now, and probably not ever. But it was important for me to overcome the fear and prove to myself that when someone hurts me, I deserve to be able to tell them. And now I am strong enough to tell them instead of being terrorized by their reaction.

Im back to NO CONTACT but from what Ive read in her emails:

On the one hand she says "I want nothing to do with the world's most stupid,irresponsible man, who cant stand up to ANYTHING he promised me since i met him. My biggest mistake. My ONLY MISTAKE. That is YOU."

Then she will say "If you care about me as you said you do, there is no way you will allow this on me."

Then ... ."I do not want to live with another man. I want to do the Bar. I dont wanna fail my daughter. But now i have no way of recovering from what you did to me"

Except that what i have been 'doing to her for three years' is supporting her and loving her and forgiving her for the endless mistakes, discretions and lies. Even now she is lying to me.

To spend any more time on this is a waste of my life