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The first memories of emotional abuse I received from my mother that I can remember started in after my father (not biological) died when I was in third grade. I don't remember having any normal interactions with her after that for the entirety of my childhood. After he died she immediately initiated a relationship with a man who my sister and I found half naked sprawled on our couch one morning when we woke up. I remember my mom happy as can be. I felt heartbroken but somehow knew, however soon after his death it was, she was justified to have him. It was unspoken that I should not talk about my dead father or my feelings at all for fear of upsetting my mother who had begun having 'breakdowns'. My mother became emotionally abusive twards me. It was a rare occasion that she spoke to me without screaming when behind closed doors. I could not say or do anything right in her eyes. She had pegged me the black sheep and my sister the one who could do no harm. Many men were in and out of our house. She would scream loudly when she had sex with them as if she wanted us kids to hear her. She publicly shamed me, made up stories about me to other adults saying that I was 'out of control' and 'no matter how much she does for me, I won't stop acting out and treating her disrespectfully.' None of it was true but oh how that bought into it. She blamed me for standing in her way of having a relationship with a man. She blamed me for draining the finances. She was always saying things like ' there is something wrong with you' and 'you are crazy'. I remember one time getting ready for school one day I had said something about the weather. That was it. The weather! Her response was to scream at me about how she was not in the mood to be spoken to, I was stressing her out and ' because of me' she was 'going to have a heart attack'. This was the response I was used to getting during our interactions. It wasn't long before I was trying hard to avoid her completely which was hard because she had already publicly shamed me and lied to me to the other parents of the other kids at school to the point that bullied me or were afraid to associate with me for fear of my mother. All relationships I had had were long gone at this point. I stayed up in my room day after day rarely leaving it to avoid yelling and insults. Luckily my mom was gone a lot getting drunk with men. I was not allowed to leave the house anymore by her rules. I remember being falsely accused of being 'high' and was grounded for weeks on end. Of course it was not true. She compulsively accused me of being high for years. I began to get high because I figured if I was going to be grounded I might as well be doing what I was being grounded for. She called the police on me after publicly shaming me in front of atleast 50 of my classmates when I had attempted to sneak to a party to meet a family member as a desperate attempt to escape the prison she had made me at home. She told the police he distorted view of the events of the party. I asked for a lawyer when the officer confronted me. He ordered me to admit to what I had done to my mother who has 'done nothingbut try to help me '. He asked me if I had a violent behavior. I said no. He said: Yea right. You should be greatful your mother is thinking about not pressing charges in you. She loves you very much and look at what you are doing to her'. It sounded like he was repeating her lies word for word to me. Everyone always believed her and not me. There was no point in trying to convince anyone otherwise. I started cutting as it seemed to mask my constant punishments and insults. I didn't like the punishments and would rather punish myself. when she found out I was cutting she said I was getting too many ideas from television and of course yelled until she was finished while I stood shaking and silent as always. She sent me to mental hospital after mental hospital telling lies to the staff there about me and painting the picture of me being a kid 'acting out', 'unappreciative'. Telling them I had 'no remorse' for anything 'I had done to her'. Looking back, I still don't know even one thing I had ever done to her that was wrong. The staff bullied me, having bought into her lies. Calling me and I quote: An Ungrateful little girl. And things like: "there's nothing wrong with you, you just want attention, I hope you know how much your mom loves you and how much you are hurting her." I was given dozens of medications over the next few years of in an out of hospitals.u remember my sister even saying... ."Why are you doing this to mom?" My own sister was this evil woman's ally. she even gave my sister permission to beat me up in front of  a kid from school and she did. She sent me over to a friend of hers house to get a break for my constant... .Ungrateful and hateful behavior twards her. Behavior that still did not exist.My mom would assume the worst things about me. I remember one day she started yelling at me about how she ' knows about my personality type. She had done research. She knows that I am the kind of person who murders people one day. and that my kind has no concious or remorse." I wish i could understand why she thought these things about me? I was so powerless of her. I developed severe anxiety. She did help me to apply for benefits and said who knows what to the lawyer to get control of my money as my payee. She let me live in the streets for years homeless while waiting for benefits because I was too much of a burden as she puts it. And she deserves to finally be able to 'be happy' as she puts it. One day I went to her house to ask her Her if I could plz borrow money for coggerettes.  then her boyfriend beat me. My mom called the cops on me of course and said I was tearing her house up. The pictures only fell off the.wall when I was struggling to escape him. Again I tried to tell the police what had really happened. I also had a dark hand bruise on my arm. I was not surprised when the did not believe me. After my disability was approved my mother maintained complete control over me. I went days without food to avoid her yelling at me after an attemp to ask for some of my check to buy food. I lived off cheap food mainly things like ramen noodles. She always yelled at me for ' expecting to eat so lavishly' while she had to eat potato soup. For years she refused to tell me how much disability back pay I had received  and how much my monthly money was as well. I found out by her ex husband that it was over 35,000 $ Soon after he told me about it , she admitted to it but denyed any malicious intent by not telling me about it. Long story short I eventually got away from her. I now wonder if I am even truly disabled or ever was. My disability started to go away after I left her. I like to research random things and came across a article about BPD. I started crying as it really seems she is a BPD. Also am trying to figure out what exactly what happened in my life. I think enyone who has ever asked me about my childhood... .I have told that I had a 'good mother.' I feel like I have been brainwashed most of mylife. I feel like my mom faked my disability to get sympathy and to have someone to control. Maybe for money too.i am worried about my brother. he is much younger then me and still in her custody. Did she ever love me? I don't think I have loved her sine around the age of 8. In fact if she died, I would not feel sad at all but relieved. The sheer thought of Her makes my chest tight and makes me nauseated. I wish I could have grew up in foster care as the though of my childhood causes me too much anxiety and despair. I think I am finally beginning to piece together why. I rarely talk to her over the phone. It seems like the only thing she is interested in now days is having me email her pictures of me and the kids so she can put them on Facebook. Then she will post on the picture how proud of me she is. I know she's not. She just wants everybody else to think she is good mother. I want to cut her out of my life forever but the fear of her doing this to my brother keeps me from doing that. Sometimes I get flashbacks of her yelling horrible things at me, being invasive for instance reading my diary and yelling at me for writing about how sad I was in it. Telling everyone 'I'm just doing it for attention'... .Whatever 'it' is. I have my own suspicions that my mother may have killed my father as he had a freak accident and despite her fits of rage and crying... .I don't anymore believe she ever loved him. He was found ran over by his own car. There are some unanswered questions as to how it happened. Any advice or insight greatly appreciated.

Hi NeedToUnderstand,

Welcome to BPD Family. I am so glad you have found us.

I am tremendously sad to hear of your experiences at the hand of your mother and the other people she manipulated into siding with her. Not being believed or protected must have compounded your pain. I really feel for you. I hear that you are not only struggling to come to terms with how your mother treated you when mothers are supposed to be loving, but also that you are worried for your brother's welfare. Please know that you will find people here who will believe you and support you and encourage you to heal from the wounds you have suffered.

Personally, my mother doesn't have BPD, she is a cold and unloving control freak with asperger syndrome, but I have experienced wounds at her hands, so I can understand the nature of the deep inner pain you must be experiencing. Keep posting. Writing about it really helps and there are people here who will be able to relate directly to your experiences.

Love Lifewriter

Wow Needtounderstand you have survived a very traumatic childhood that I'm sure has repercussions today.  As a mom it breaks my heart to hear your story. I'm so sad that these things have happened to you. Your mother was abusive and no child should experience what you did growing up.    Your mom sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like your mom was dividing and conquering in terms of you and your sister.  As for your sister (even though at your expense) she was probably doing what she thought she had to in order to survive... .going along to get a long.  She I'm sure has her own set of problems because of your mom.  Being the "golden child" is just a dysfunctional as being the "scapegoat".  How old is your little brother?  How does your mother treat him?

I want to join Lifewriter16 in welcoming you to the BPD Family   

I'm glad you've found us and I know you will find a lot of support, encouragement, and information from the members here.

I'd like to point out the box to the right each item listed is a link to further information you might want to check out------------------>

Are you receiving therapy out there in the real world?  Do you have other support systems in place?  How can we help you?

I'm glad you've decided to jump in a post and encourage you to do more.

Take Care,

Panda39

Needtounderstand, your story moved me and broke my heart. I'm so very sorry that you had to live through this kind of trauma and turmoil. I believe you and you have my full support. The whole unfortunate thing must have been intolerable  . I also join the other posters in welcoming you and encourage you to keep posting here and keep working through your feelings and memories. I know that over the years, counselling and research has helped me a lot.

As someone who rarely received validation, I am learning that it is very important to accept validate my own feelings unconditionally. I am trying to be quiet and mindful as the memories come. As a mom, I'm trying to talk to that child who went through traumas and protect her as I would my own children. I know first-hand how a BPD mom can appear like the kindest and most self-sacrificing person to an outsider. Everyone always told me how lucky I was for having such a wonderful and saintly mom. Only I knew the truth. I truly hope that you can find the answers that you're looking for.   

NeedtoUnderstand  I am soo sorry you had to live through this. I just will address one aspect since your story has many. You asked if she ever loved you.  I have asked that and so have my sibs. I think my uBPDmother thought she was a loving nurturing person but she was a harsh,negative,abusive person towards us since she probably saw us as extensions of herself somehow. But was it love--no. She never really KNEW you and you have to know someone to really love them. She was not capable of really seeing YOU due to her illness. But if she had seen you and knew you, she would have loved you. At least this is what I tell myself. If she could have seen me --she would have known how great I am .

Don't 'they' say that to be able to love someone else, you have to be able to love yourself?

If our parents are/were very damaged people who had doubts about their own lovability, who may have been through even worse traumas than our own, what chance had they of being able to love us? Add serious mental health issues and the dysregulations that go with them and the result is that our parents didn't even see us (as Confused#2 says) because they were too busy projecting themselves onto us. As children we can not appreciate that, but as adults we can give ourselves permission to believe that these psychological mechanisms do exist and that they have impacted negatively on our lives.

As adults, we can give ourselves permission to believe that if our parents had themselves had a better start in life, such that they had the capacity to love, they would indeed have loved us because we are all innately lovable.

And now I'm going to cry... .

Love Lifewriter

Thank you all for your kindnes and warm welcomes. Leading up to the day when I would escape her control, I was living a few blocks down from her living off disability checks. I was prescribed hordes of medications and sometimes felt like a vegetable, unable to complete a full sentence without getting confused while on them. She kept me at arms length, refusing to give me any chance at freedom or rehabilitation. I was not even allowed to have the keys to my own car or buy my own groceries. I was my own legal guardian but it sure didn't feel like it. Adding up the bills I had back then, I'm not sure where the remainder of my money was going, half of it being unaccounted for. She used to interrupt me when I tried to talk to her, then interrupt me followed by a snicker and a comment about how I don't know what I'm talking about. That is when I met the man who would save me online on a game. I did not tell her about him at first as I was afraid of her somehow sabotaging it. He came to visit me from states away. He immediately told me something was very wrong with what was happening. He didn't believe that I was disabled and told me my mother was taking advantage of me. He helped me to get control of my car and change my payee. I stopped taking my medications and left moving a few states away to be with him. It seemed that every week I was away from my mother and off the meds, I regained my own sanity. I am able to talk clearly now that I am no longer medicated on high doses of seroquel 1000 mg every morning and other meds as well. When my new associated talk to me they are shocked that I was ever in such a state. I am now calm, collected, happy. I have no relationship problems and feel like a social butterfly, like I used to be before the abuse started at around 8 years old. I was always told by my mother how antisocial I was and now I know that couldn't be further from the truth. We have had 2 perfect children together, now ages 6 months and 2 years 4 month who the both of us dote on unconditionally. Living so far away from her, I am free to have relationships without the reality of her sabotaging them with a distorted story or view of who I was. Sometime life is tough, and I am learning how to live it every day. I never learned how to live life and truly grow up before. Always uncertain how to make decisions without my mothers permission and yet hurt by what that meant to have to endure her advice. I am still learning that what 'I' want matters just as much as what anyone else wants and it is not selfish to make my own decisions or live my own life. That was only about 3 years ago when I got away... .Finding out I was with child with number one a few days after making the drive. How much my life has changed is unbelievable. I have spoken to my mother on the phone here and there, her mostly negative twards me. When my oldest was about 6 months baby, myself and my husband traveled to visit my mother, brother and yet another boyfriend of hers whom of course are no longer together. The closer we got to her home, my chest started to become tight and couldn't shake this nauseous feeling. We stayed with her for a few days and visited other family members as well. My mother was robotic and fake twards me as she was still making an impression on her new fiancé. I did notice a few things about my brother that concerned me but I can't be sure if she is abusing him. He seemed anxious to me... .I am very good at reading people. He was afraid to knock on my mothers door when her and her husband were in her bedroom during the day. He had asked me for something. I said, you will have to ask mom for that. He stood nervously in front of the door seemingly afraid to knock. At one point she said something  imvalidating to him. Don't know if those types of things are the norm or just every once in a while. That is the only time I have visited them in the last three years and they have not came to see me. Sometimes I talk to my brother on the phone. He talks right next to her and only for a few minutes. I remember when I was a kid, I was only allowed to talk on the phone if my mother was next to me listening, unlike my sister who talked on it alone up in her room. I texted my sister a few days ago to talk about mom along the lines of these messages. It was clear she believed that mom was not emotionally/ verbally abusive twards me. I'm saddened to find that she she thinks that if I think that she was, that I need to get my meds adjusted ( she has no clue I've been off the meds for over 3 years) we haven't kept in the best contact over the years she has been a prostitute and in and out of prison. She has inherited some of my mothers crewl and controlling traits, of what I have seen of her over the years. I think more likely then not she will tell mom of the talk we had. I think it is best I just cut contact from mom and ask a trusted person from the past who taught me bible study to keep a look out for my brother. I think if I told her everything she would believe me.

This resonates with me, my SO went on anti-depressants to help him "cope" with all the crazy in his marriage and life before he divorced his uBPDxw.  The medication did work sort of, it allowed him to let go of things his wife was doing so there was less conflict.  Less conflict because he was doped up.  He eventually took himself off the medication because he didn't like how it made him feel.

Not surprisingly, his ex blames the divorce (in part) to him no longer being medicated.  Of course she blames his lack of medication because it kept him pliable and let her get away with more and she of course could not see that she might have anything to do with him wanting a divorce 

It sounds as if your mom was doing the same thing to you, keeping you drugged and pliable and taking advantage of you. 

The story of your escape and building your new life is wonderful to hear you are a tough cookie and deserve all the happiness in the world.     

Panda39

Thank you for the encouragement Panda39. I am so glad He was able to get out of such a negative situation. I would also like to touch base on some of the questions that I missed answering in my previous post. I have a counseling/ psychology appointment scheduled for next month to work through some of these issues. My husband and I are also planning to find a bible study group as a way to meet new people and learn some of the origional translations. Neither of us are very religious but It is something we both have in common wanting to learn more about and I think it will help me to catch up on some of the social/ relationships I have missed out on. Though my life has changed drastically I know I have a long way to go to healing. I still have anxiety, intrusive memories and claustrophobia that I think is all related to this. I notice that I say 'I'm sorry' a lot about little things that no one else does. It is from apologizing to my mother my whole life for things when I wasn't to blame. ( ex. I'm sorry for standing in your way of a happy life) From now on I will not say sorry. If it is something I truely regret, I will say ' I apologize'. It is a more positive word I think. I am so glad I found this group. I can tell a lot of you can really relate to me. In a way that is very sad because I wouldn't wish these sort of things on anyone. On the other hand i am glad we don't have to figure our way out of it completely alone.

Hi Needtounderstand,

I think you've done a fantastic job directing your own life in spite of what you had to endure.

I had some form of social anxiety for years, not entirely due to my BPD mom. It took me a long time to drag myself, figuratively kicking and screaming, to almost force myself to get out of Hermit mode, to connect with others. I was tired of being how i used to be. By stepping into the unknown, it became known, and I eventually felt more at ease. Let us know how the Bible study goes.

Turkish

Of course there are going to be the effects of your childhood to deal with and work on. I see you ahead of the game though because you are already seeing some of the issues. I think you have some pretty good instincts about a lot of things  |iiii  Seeing a counselor for additional support working through some of these things is an excellent idea. 

"i'm sorry" seems to have become an automatic response from dealing with your mom. Kind of like a teenager that like always says like   There is also the other piece though and that is taking blame or responsibility for the actions of someone else. That is were the real work is.  I like your solution to change the word to "apologize" it means you are taking the time to think about if an apology is really needed/deserved or if it is just your old habit.

You are using "wisemind" in that moment... .using your logical mind (Do I need to apologize?) and your emotional mind (My knee jerk emotional response is to say I'm sorry even if not needed) that brings you to a good compromise solution (I will use the word "apologize" when it is warranted).

Below is a link to more information on "wisemind/mindfulness" if you are interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.msg619341#msg619341


It is hard having a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives and yes that's what brings us here but there is also the opportunity to heal, to learn and to emotionally grow too and that is the gift you can receive by participating the discussions here.  You are not alone we all get it and are here for each other.

Panda39