BPDFamily.com

This morning, as I was waking up, I heard the words "It's time to go to two nights." On their own, they don't make sense, but I understood that what was meant was this: it is time to start the process of withdrawing from relying on your ex-husband (he has AS not BPD) for companionship and support, starting with spending two nights a week at home with the kids on your own. You see, he's been coming round on a daily basis to support me because I have been so crushed emotionally that I have been struggling to eat, feed the kids, keep house etc. He has been a lifeline. He comes round, helps a bit, puts our youngest daughter to bed, we watch TV for an hour together then he goes home.

I told my ex-husband about the words I'd heard in my sleep and he said: "Funny you should say that, but now there's no light in the evening and I can't work outside at all, I'm wanting to start doing some projects in the house and was thinking that I would come down less. Perhaps I won't come down on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

I feel really sad. I know that I want a relationship with more intimacy which is why I got divorced, why I have finished with my BPDxbf and why I do not intend to get back together with the old flame who reappeared approx 6 weeks ago. The problem is that I feel so dependent, generally and so utterly alone when it's just me, specifically. I know I have to go cold turkey from the old relationships to access my old wounds and thus heal them. I know I have to withdraw from my husband emotionally to allow space for a new relationship. My head knows all these things, but I feel in such a sorry state. I feel weak and broken. I feel like a child inside. I've always relied upon men to distract me from my own pain and vulnerability. And because I was desperate, I was not at all discriminating in my choices, so I've ended up in lots of relationships that did not even begin to meet my needs to either give or receive love. But I have finally realised that I have to stop doing this if I am ever going to have what I most want in life and if I am ever going to have emotional peace of mind.

I have to change but I don't know how I am going to get through this intact.

Lifewriter

This is an amazing opportunity for growth.

You're being honest with yourself about your fears, and also the realization that you would rather "escape" the discomfort of feeling lonely and scared by seeking the company of men who may not be good for you.

This isn't so different as "using" other means to escape discomfort such as internet, shopping, drugs, alcohol. The person "using" an escape method- (whatever it is) knows that it isn't good for them, but chooses it over the pain of being alone with their feelings.

This is a great step towards growing emotionally stronger. I think you have the sense that, if you were emotionally stronger and healthier on your own- that a different kind of relationship could be possible- perhaps with someone who is also emotionally healthier, but also, even if not in a relationship, that you would be fine on your own.

And being on your own means you have the opportunity to make these steps. However, you don't have to go this alone- there are therapists and support groups that can help you. We can learn to be interdependent with people in a emotionally healthy way.

I would encourage you to seek out a T to help you if you can. If this isn't possible, then consider a local 12 step co-dependency group as they can also provide support for this kind of growth.

This seems scary... .but it's an opportunity- to build a new relationship- with yourself!

Hi Notwendy,

Thanks for your input. I do see massive benefits from being able to face my feelings rather than needing to medicate myself with men, shopping, food and TV, to name my favourites.

I see myself, ideally and eventually, living a simple, contemplative life (on a barge). In that life, I am a serene, peaceful woman who uses her emotions to guide herself and others wisely and with compassion.

There are so many times when I do not even vaguely resemble that ideal self that I think I'm delusional. Each time I move into a new healing phase, I become aware that I am so much more unhealthy emotionally than I ever dreamt I was. I console myself with the thought that seeing I'm battier than I thought is actually a sign of increased rather than decreased emotional health.

I read Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now recently. He talks of a spiritual journey involving the death of the self (the ego or false self). When his false self fell dramatically and unexpectedly away, he experienced oneness, a loss of the sense of separation from others and a profound peace. I'm still healing, but I hope to see that spiritual connection manifest in my own life. I've had one glimpse of what that means in practice.

Thanks for your advice. The therapy is in the pipeline but is taking longer to set up than I hoped due to NHS processes. I checked the CoDA UK website yesterday and discovered that a new group has just started up in my area. Now, I'm terrified... .I share so much on this website, but talking to actual people, face-to-face, in real time, is very scary for me. I fear that they will get to know me and not like me. I have spent my whole life wanting to be liked but feeling it was an impossibility. Can I do this? I could completely dysregulate at CoDA in the same way that I have in my recent relationships. I've been completely batty.

Since this is a scary thing for me to do, I'm going to do it in phases. I'm going to start by phoning and then meeting with the local contact, if she's up for that. And then I'm going to ask my ex-husband to drop me off at my first meeting so I don't have to face all the fears of travelling to somewhere unknown in the dark by public transport. Once I've got through the door and know where I'm going, the travel will feel easier. It's a plan... .

Thanks again, Notwendy

Love Lifewriter

PS. If you are not Wendy, who are you, so you think?

Not Wendy was derived from the idea of the fictional Wendy from Peter Pan. It's a metaphor on co-dependency. Wendy was recruited to be a mother to people who decided not to grow up. I found myself in that role in my FOO and repeated it in my marriage. I love kids, and taking care of kids, but don't want to be a caretaker to adults who can take care of themselves.

Emotional growth isn't linear- just as you describe it. It is progress and then once we make progress, we see more work to be done. Do you play, or know someone who plays a musical instrument? Isn't it interesting that the better they are at it, the more they see where they have to improve? It makes me think of the people who audition on American Idol. It's usually the ones who say " I can sing like Mariah Carrey " that sound like screeching cats. Seeing where we need to grow, feeling scared and lonely could be because of progress.

Ultimately, I don't think we are meant to be alone all the time, and even people who are single can have close, fulfilling, and interdependent ( not co-dependent) relationships. I think it is the two extremes that can be dysfunctional- someone with poor boundaries who has to constantly be with someone, and someone who is self isolated and protective - they are not relating to people in a healthy way. Being in the middle, being vulnerable, is scary. We can stand on our own two feet but that doesn't mean we are always alone.

I was terrified when our MT strongly suggested I go to codependency groups. Walking into a room of strangers was scary. My sponsor was scary to me at first. I was also angry that my H didn't have a label or an assignment like I did. I didn't think that was fair. However, I came to appreciate that doing the work benefited me. I wish he would do it too, but he won't, and if he ever does, that would be his choice.

However, you will learn that everyone in that room started as a stranger walking in, scared, just like you, and they will be compassionate.