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I recently read an article discussing the signs of trouble in a relationship.  I related to it as I saw the behaviors I did when my relationship with my ex pwBPD was crumbling.  One sign that spoke to me was that the insecure partner (that was me) would post overly optimistic or complimentary posts on Falsebook.   I did that all the time towards the end.  "i am so gratefuk to be in such a relationship." Inside, I think I was trying to convince myself and my ex that things were better than they were and, perhaps, I was hoping it would make the relationship. Go back to the idealization phase. 

I stopped going on falsebook months ago because it would just set me up for sadness as I had a hard time not checking either my ex's or the replacement's page.  I am much happier now.  It helped me a lot.  I have to say though, when I did check, I noticed my replacement doing the same thing I had done.  She too had been in the relationship for over 9 months.  My ex started to leave idealization at 3 months and then it was rapid up and down.   The replacement posted the same type of posts I had, seeming to try too hard as I had. 

For a long time, I was resentful and jealous of my replacement. I have more periods of feeling compassion and peace for her instead. I can't say I want to see or hear about her just yet but feelings of peace feel wonderful. I have a sense from this, and from other observations I have posted about previously, she is not having an easy time of it, as I had not.  Just sending this out as a way of offering peace to those that precede and those that follow as well as to those that struggle with this crappy disorder.  The disorder always wins and nobody comes out unscathed, especially the pwBPD.

Peace

Hi HawkRidge,


It sounds like you're describing denial or maybe rationalization. I think that it's common that we hope that our pwBPD return to a permanent idealization phase. Did you understand the complexities of a PD and the mirroring in the onset of the r/s?

Granted, there's mirroring in the honeymoon phase at the onset of a relationship regardless if a person is disordered or non-disordered, I think some differences would be that a pwBPD lack a stable sense of self and mirror others because they have an unstable self image, don't know who they are give up complete control in the idealization phase to attach to a partner and when their part time false sense fails in the r/s they switch up the control.

You seem like a sensible man, were you trying to make things work for the sake of the relationship and trying different things or were there also things under the surface, complexities of the disorder, things that we may not understand going in to the relationship.

A personality disorder is a difficult thing to detect, I'm not a trained professional, I'm speaking for myself when I say this but I had to put the pieces together after the r/s broke. I thought that the person that idealized me was authentic and I had thought that she was going through something and held on to the hopes that the person that I met would return, I thought that she would snap out of it.

I did the same thing when things were falling apart.  Focusing on the "crumbs" of good when they were tossed my way and posting about it I am sure gave the wrong impression.

After friends saw the replacement's FB I admit I peeked.  Within weeks of me telling my ex that our marriage was over (after a 3 month therapeutic separation), she was posting pictures of the dozen roses he sent her (same MO he did when he met me) and how she's in a relationship with the most amazing man and so in love.  I feel awful for her as she doesn't know what she's in for and as much as I want to warn her, I know it won't go over well.  He smeared his ex wife before me when we met as being an abusive and controlling b***h so I know that's how he's painting me.  Since our split, I've had a few conversations with his ex and of course, everything I was told was a lie. 

Back to the topic... .I'm now posting positive and happy stuff but it's all truth.  I'm enjoying the healing process and the peace I have in my life which is such a contrast to those awful years. 

We always wait for those crumbs, don't we?  Currently, I'm a few days out of the relationship with my pwBPD.  While detaching is a process, we basically said our goodbyes the other day and she's given me ST pretty much since that time.  I wanted to remain friends, but I can tell thats not going to happen.  My guess (gut) is she has found a new person that she's desiring and the honeymoon phase has enthralled her.  I know her all to well to know that she's going through any of this "alone".  Im sure that he has swallowed the candied hook just like I did (twice!)... .Im a little angry that she's moved on, but this is the nature of it.

She may think in the moment that he will be the key to her happiness, but we all know it isn't the truth.  Sure, I wonder if my replacement will be "the one" to make it all work, but I guess I need to take a serious step back and say to myself that that isn't the reality of it.  He may be with her longer than I was, may marry her, and may go on to have a life with her... .but what will he suffer to "have" those things with her?  I always keep telling myself that she'll show him for a time how great she is (and she can love with all the best), but its all an illusion.