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I needed to post because I am in shock with the realization and reprocessing of my past.

I have not spoken to most anyone in my FOO for over a decade.  (Due to their disordered ways.  They always "see" me in the role that functions well for them, this role is not a healthy one.)

So I reconnected with a cousin. As kids we never talked much because of a difference in ages, so I had no real reason to maintain connections with him.  I found out that he is NOT disordered in thinking and pretty much sees things similar to myself.

Reprocessing things is disorienting for me.  I have c-PTSD from this FOO so it is both disorienting because I am learning things from another viewpoint, and it all makes good sense.  And also it is slightly triggering to my c-PTSD.

He explained that he feels that many of our family members are sociopaths.  After thinking on it... .I do believe I have minimized some things... .and the behaviors match... .I think many of them ARE sociopaths!

How shocking!

So I think that because I minimized to cope... .  being faced with this again is bringing forth the need to reprocess the info... .  therefore I am grieving for myself.

Does this make sense?

Sometimes I need some space from the processing.  It can feel like it wants to get "addictive" in going there.  I wonder if this is similar to "trauma bond?"  It feels like it is... .and I need to remind myself to keep a healthy distance vs getting sucked in my own head of going into the past. 

My r/s with my ex was a trauma bond... .like a remake of a scary movie.

Whereas talking about the past is like re-watching the same original scare y movie... .seeing things you missed that scare me... .then seeing the old stuff and being less triggered by it.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

Minimilization is a defense mechanism. I've engaged in it my whole life, and in middle-age, and the aftermath of a BPD r/s, I'm finally learning that it's ok to feel, rather than running, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. Waif tendencies say "life is too hard," while Hermit tendencies say, "life is to be feared." It wasn't the external I feared, but rather how I felt. I'd rather just not deal, because it was easier and I was safe.

What's the deal with your cousin, are you going to keep talking?

Thank you for your reply Turkish!  It seems the boards in general are slower than I remember or something.

I think I have both hermit and waif tendencies... .some others too I am sure.  As I am trying to branch out more socially... .I am having to face things I haven't had to before.  I am disturbed at my memory lapses with my PTSD.  I have encountered some to take advantage of this... .and try to either use me in some minor way or suggest memories that I really think they have fabricated.  This has been both disorienting... .a cause for more dissociation... .and also triggering my issues of feeling used while growing up.  It is hard for me to sort out what is real vs not real... .and so bizarre to find out things that are true (as I am provided facts that cannot possibly be fabricated)... .yet I have no memory of.  However, I am pleased as I feel that I am balancing feeling triggered/processing/getting space... .and am feeling a bit freer.

_{Rereading that last paragraph looks confusing... .I am not referring to the cousin specifically... .I mean that "reaching out" to others in general is causing all the above.}

I am hopeful things may continue to snowball in this positive way in reprocessing this trauma... .maintaining balance... .and feeling more and more free!

I do now have a couple other positive new relationships due to me being less hermit/waif like.

I can certainly understand wanting to distance yourself from your own feelings as well Turkish.

Thank you for asking,  yes actually, we will keep talking... .I think we will plan a visit in the next 6 months.  I am looking forward to this.  This is huge for me in many ways.  He is looking forward to "meeting my family" as well.  (meaning my son and I both)

_{Soo... .this will stir up issues with my sis with BPD who would be jealous and likely extremely psychotically triggered if she found out.  But for now I will just enjoy my find... .and that will be a bridge to cross when I get to it.}

It took me until my mid 30's to get over my social anxiety enough to find a mate... .my uBPDx... .

Now in early middle-age, I'm on a different track: validating myself instead of feeling guilty for the "wasted years." Talking with your cousin sounds positive  :)

Yeah this actually makes perfect sense! I totally agree with what Turkish said about minimization being a defense mechanism. It's a coping mechanism you probably developed to be able to deal with the negativity so you could keep functioning. I think it's very positive that you are able to recognize this in yourself and are also aware/mindful of what you are experiencing right now and are able to put it into words |iiii

By applying this coping mechanism of minimization, you basically skipped or postponed the phase of grieving altogether. Grieving however is a part of the healing process so I think it makes sense that you at some point would find yourself going through this. Particularly now that you've re-connected with your cousin and are discussing your FOO.

I think it's great that you now actually have a family-member who understands and validates your experiences with regard to your FOO.

Thank you for sharing Turkish!

From reading your posts, I find your story to have many similarities to my own.

I am not shy in my current very small circles, but am waif/hermit-ish in new ones.  I have been following my therapy/personal goal to branch out into the uncomfortable territory.

Did you also find that by beginning to be more social... .made you have to face unresolved trauma in some way? 

What was awkward or challenging about being social for you?

(If you don't mind me asking)

Kwamina, there is something comforting about a blue bird.

I just realized it.

You parrot!  Lol! 

While I often think I "know" what is going on in my situation, I feel very insecure and uncertain about it... .until that is... .I hear you parrot it back to me.

It makes more sense to me coming from you.  It feels more real and manageable. I appreciate the support and affirmation, exactly what I needed to feel reoriented into "reality."

Thank you for helping me stay grounded.  It means so much to me!

... .

My challenge next seems to be maintaining balance.  Staying present, while processing the past emotions, flashbacks, etc.  Not allowing a regression, but continuing on a path of progression.  (In the past, it is easy for me to slip and get lost in the ole victim role and feel too helpless and overwhelmed)

There is a part of me that wants to over cater to the "little" helpless me.  Part of me wants to stay small to be nurtured and rescued.

When I feel this way... .I invite big grown up me to take little me's hand so that they may walk together.  So little me does not feel so helpless and alone and lost.  Big me acts as a guide that is traveling on a hike with little me.  There is time to chat, look at the vista, some time to rest and recover at the peak... .but we keep moving steady and enjoy the journey.  This seems to be working.

Thanks again! 

This has nothing to do with BPD though maybe my traits, but I was ostracized by peers from a young age due to a visual disability. I only remember feeling free after high school,.where I was also free from my mom. I'm doing ok for myself now, but it also affected my career. A Director gave feedback to my boss over ten years ago, "Turkish needs to speak up more in meetings." He was right. I felt it glow enough to present data, as if t would speak for itself. The thought of speaking up horrified me. I put in the minimum. It took me years to bjectively stand in a room of people, most more educated, some also more experienced, and be confidant in presenting my work. To not feel anxiety (shame) that I wasn't a fraud; to internally process that they were sincerely beleiving that I was a subject matter expert. So what was the trigger or trauma?

Being idealizex/devalued as a child. To be told I was so smart, and that my mom was proud that everyone said what a great kid I was, and my mom, too. Yet, being yelled at, cinstantly smacked, and sometimes being told by my mom that she wished she'd never adopted me. How does a child develop an accurate sense of self with diametrically opposed messages? I invalidated a let of people by rejecting positive messages. I even invalidated my uBPDx, who needed a mate with no self-doubt. So I think that's the trauma: doubting who I am and often rejecting what people tell me about me by refusing to take it at face value. I even have that trouble here n the boards in my own threads sometimes. Splitting is hard enough to deal with as adults; harder still, if we were split as children. I know what reality is, but I often feel differently.

Getting viewpoints outside of us is crucial. Your r/s with your cuz sounds hopeful.

Hi again

I am pleased to hear my parroting has this effect on you :)


To help you stay balanced and guide your inner Sunfl0werchild, I suggest you also take a look at a thread by Ziggiddy about exercises for self-insight:

Exercises for self insight (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=241251.0)

Replies 19 to 22 in that thread are about exercises for reaching out to your inner child.