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Some days I just sit and think - what the hell just happened? I am numb.

A quick overview... .We had a 2 year wonderful relationship during which time we never fought, argued, broke up, etc. Everything seemed beyond perfect. We had a beautiful, romantic wedding and became a happy family of 4 with all of our dreams ahead of us. A week after we were married, my BPD husband split me and has never felt the same about me since.

The past year has been the saddest, most painful, helpless and hopeless time I have ever experienced. No yelling, fighting or name calling at all.  I think he never got mad around us because any negative emotions terrified him. What did happen was a long, slow, quiet year of pulling away, withholding and a huge amount of crying on both our parts.  For 4 months we pretty much sat, watched TV, held hands and cried. One time he said that he knew very early on that he would end up destroying us. He was overwhelmed with guilt and shame and just kept saying sorry over and over again. I did everything I could think of to help and understand including reading books, seeing a therapist and reading the forums.

He lives about 1/2 hour away from us and over the last 2 months he has pulled away to the point where we have had almost no contact at all.  He spends most of his time working, drinking and smoking (2 things he hadn't done for 15 years), self injuring, crying and "waiting for it all to be over and the pain to stop."

Last month we went together and filed a simple divorce, cried, had coffee, hugged and said our goodbyes. The whole things seems completely surreal sometimes.

My questions... .

- I worry that he will kill himself. He is a very sad, tortured, broken man. He has been VERY clear that he DOES NOT WANT ANY HELP. My heart aches for him but I know there isn't a lot I can do. What do I do with the fear and worry I have about him killing himself?

- my daughter was extremely close to him and keeps asking when Daddy is coming back. I know he will not contact us again. He once said that he was scared he was ruining her life. What can I tell my daughter? How can I explain this? She is developmentally about 5.

- How do you ever learn to trust your own judgement again? I was so sure of him. Also, how do you ever learn to trust someone again after this kind of experience and heartbreak? And then there is that part... .will this pain ever go away?

Thanks for reading.

I understand how difficult the transition from the staying board to here is.  I started on the staying board 5 years ago and only transitioned full time to this board the past 4 months.  It was a tough transition and took months of work with a therapist to finally get it that I was settling and also being hopeful in the face of irrefutable evidence that promises were not being followed through with. 

As to your questions:

I worry that my ex will also kill himself.  I think that's what in part kept me there so long.  He never threatened it but he did tell me that he once attempted suicide before I met him.  I see now that he was on a downward spiral.  He had a mental health hospitalization in the last year I was with him (this was his 2nd), he did some REALLY inappropriate behaviors while we were separated including trying to take my panties off after telling me how much he enjoyed masturbating with my panties earlier that week (this was at my 21 year old's birthday party... .), and during our separation, I discovered after he moved out permanently that he had left our 11 year old in charge of making her own dinners or just ate with neighbors.  I think he's losing it.  But I realize now that it's not my problem, nor is it my job to take care of him.  If he needs help, he needs to find it. I did everything I could including dragging him to therapists, doing research, taking him to our doctor (and going on my own to ask questions about him) and taking care of his needs when he was perfectly capable of doing it himself.  Let go of any responsibility you feel... .we get so trained to operate on what our pwBPD needs and that's our part in the dysfunction.

The best you can do about your daughter is tell her that Daddy is sick and is hopefully going to be better soon.  Mine is 11 years old, but much more mature so I was able to explain the illness in a pretty detailed way.  He has also disappeared from her life too by changing his cell number in mid August and not telling her or I the number(and leaving me with the bill for his old number), not paying a cent in child support and not asking for visits since the 2nd week of August.  I have evidence that he may have moved out of town too.

Learning to trust your own judgement comes with time and understanding yourself even better.  I realize now  that I saw the red flags (after the first few years of no issues, like yours) and I didn't listen.  I also had to work on my own self esteem to really know and understand that I'm worth being treated well and do not deserve abuse, including being ignored.  Spend time working on yourself, making friends (and reconnecting with old ones), doing things you enjoy and giving your daughter extra attention.  Get lots of rest, eat healthy and try exercise to see if it helps with lowering stress.  For me, it does.

Yes, the pain will go away.  Especially when you realize that a relationship with a pwBPD is never as real as it seems.  It's a mirage.  What REALLY helped me was understanding that the early amazing days were that way because he was an expert at mirroring, which in essence means I fell in love with the qualities in myself, not really with him.  He was never truly himself so it's not him I lost, it's the illusion. 

Im sorry you're going through this and have had this experience.  Big hug to you!  I don't feel qualified enough to answer the first two questions, as I don't know enough about you, your family, and the situation to discuss that.  I will, however, try to give you insight in to how I dealt with your third question the first time I went through a breakup and no contact (NC) with my pwBPD:

It took me a long time to trust my judgement.  I was worried that everyone would hurt me, if I gave them the chance.  Slowly, I began to shift my paradigm to realize that most people are good hearted and did care.  Its not that my pwBPD didn't care, but she hated herself so much (and still does, frankly) that she was blinded to see what pain she was causing.  I, like you, was so sure of her.  Turns out, it was really an illusion... .she wasn't at all like she presented herself to me.  I believe I saw who she wanted to be, but not who she really was.  It took me several months to move on from her.  It was heartbreaking, especially in the beginning.

Thats the problem, for me, with these types of relationships.  They embed in you so much, they love you so intensely, so completely, and so much, until they don't.  Someone on here said that once and it has stuck with me: they love you with everything until they dont.  Then you're left to pick up the pieces.  After not speaking with my pwBPD for 3 years (yes, years), she came back into my life and seemed normal.  We've been in a "relationship" for almost a year now (its been a roller coaster in reflection).  Currently, we just ended and I'm in the process of detaching again.  A lot of what happened to me then happened to me again (or at least had echoes of it - right down to I'm relatively certain I've already been replaced).  :)o I feel bad for falling for it again?  Not really.  She wasn't who she was 3 years ago and neither was I when we started, but its creeped back up and now she is deregulated again.  Whatever triggers the deregulation (for her) makes her very out of control and we fall apart.

Does the pain ever go away?  For me, no.  I did get numbed to the ache that was there, but I truly loved (and still do) my pwBPD.  She always had a place in my heart, but I have to refuse to believe there will be a 3rd go around, but I moved on in time and I am sure you will too.  I wish you all the luck in the world and never forget we are here for you, you don't have to go it alone!

Hello autumnskies, I am sorry that you are going through this.

Michelle27 and Lonely_Astro shared their insight and experience, I will share as well.

His inappropriateness and lack of boundaries were horrible. There were times I would want to hide in a corner or just disappear. It became impossible to go anywhere with him, so I began to go without him.

My stbxh threatened suicide and acted suicidal so often that I was paralyzed at times. He had been suicidal before me and will continue once I am gone. Over the years (decades) I realized he would not actually follow through, it was a way to control me or get his way. He would make it all my fault. Really, he has been slowly killing himself throughout his entire life via self destruction. Drinking, drugs, self injury, risky behaviors and on and on.

We tried to get help several times over the years and each time, he would stop before the hard work started. As soon as the therapist wanted him to look inward, he bailed. It was all my fault, the kids', pets, his job, his parents', sister and brother's, neighbors', etc faults. Everyone and everything got blamed.

I had to face the reality that if he hurt or killed himself it was not my fault, issue, problem. I came to face that a few years back. His threats did not have the desired effect on me anymore.

My stbx spoke of ruining our daughters' lives. There is not much contact from him. They are in their late teens and have come to understand his illness to some extent. It is not easy but they are smart, strong young women.

I am still learning to trust my judgement. I feel disappointment in myself and have for sometime. I knew the r/s was not healthy and very wrong for many years. I saw the red flags and forged forward anyway. I have been learning about myself and working on myself for some time. I am a work in progress.

The pain is subsiding for me. I still have anger at times. We are divorcing, so there must be contact, though limited. I feel stuck during this process.

I have support and reach out when I need it. This forum is an amazing resource.


We all have our own paths to realization, understanding and healing. We are all strong and will come out of these relationships with self awareness, which gives us the power to move forward and better our lives.

"His inappropriateness and lack of boundaries were horrible. There were times I would want to hide in a corner or just disappear. It became impossible to go anywhere with him, so I began to go without him." Wow- Sounds like my life.

I'm so sorry for you... , I was in a similar situation. We went to the lawyers together and hugged and cried too! He even hugged me and kissed me in court for the separation. He told me he was on a downward spiral. Turns out he was seeing several other women then settled down with one that he could manipulate and continue his bad behavior and not have to quit drinking. I was horrified that I didn't see it all... , he continued to text me for months telling me he loved me all while he was going on vacation with his new gf... .I went through lots of his suicide attempts in 8 years. I don't know why he's not doing it now. (although I don"t know for sure- I just keep thinking I would get a phone call if he was in the hospital, although he could be exposing this new gf to this) He told me he has had no incidences in the past 9 months we were separated- like its my fault! I have to stop worrying about him. He knows exactly where to go for help. He is a grown up. I suggest you worry about you and your children. Take care of you... .in the end its all we can do anyway. Worrying just keeps you in it... .that's how it was for me. I guess I felt like poor guy, I am the only one that really knows him and can help him. When that was exactly why he wanted to move away from me. I know him too well.

Yes, yes they are.  My pwBPD likes to blame her disorder on why she does what she does (she is a serial cheater, like yours too).  Mine has done the same to me as yours did, told me she loved me all the while being with someone else.  All it is, is a form of control/manipulation. 

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They really had an impact on me.

Michelle27 - I see so much of my experience in yours. I am turning the focus away from him back on to me with my therapist.  It is no longer all about him and his needs and issues. I have also reconnected with friends. I didn't realize how far I'd pulled away from everyone. And yes, sadly I have not done well lately with food, exercise, sleep, etc. My daughter is also 11, with delays which makes it so hard to explain.

(Yes, the pain will go away.  Especially when you realize that a relationship with a pwBPD is never as real as it seems.  It's a mirage.  What REALLY helped me was understanding that the early amazing days were that way because he was an expert at mirroring, which in essence means I fell in love with the qualities in myself, not really with him.  He was never truly himself so it's not him I lost, it's the illusion.) Wow... this part hit me... .thank you.

Lonley_Astro -(Thats the problem, for me, with these types of relationships.  They embed in you so much, they love you so intensely, so completely, and so much, until they don't.  Someone on here said that once and it has stuck with me: they love you with everything until they dont.  Then you're left to pick up the pieces.) Those are very powerful words. I keep saying it was perfect... .well, until it wasn't... .  Also, (I wish you all the luck in the world and never forget we are here for you, you don't have to go it alone!) Thank you. I needed to hear that  :)

Teereese -  (Really, he has been slowly killing himself throughout his entire life via self destruction. Drinking, drugs, self injury, risky behaviors and on and on.) This sounds familiar if I really think about it. I believe he's been on self destruct most of his life. I guess he just took a break or tried to put his best foot forward for the 2 years before we got married. Also this: (It was all my fault, the kids', pets, his job, his parents', sister and brother's, neighbors', etc faults. Everyone and everything got blamed.) When you say it... .I actually see it now. There WAS always something going on with some one/something that was not his fault. Thank you.

Herodias - (He told me he has had no incidences in the past 9 months we were separated- like its my fault!) Mine said the only time he didn't self harm... .was when he was single. You know, the more I think about it... .the more times I'm remembering recent comments like that that are actually kind of passive aggressive and blaming. Also, (I guess I felt like poor guy, I am the only one that really knows him and can help him. When that was exactly why he wanted to move away from me. I know him too well.) I think that's when I realized I was dead in the water... .when I went from the person who understood and supported him... .to the person who triggered him the most. Thank you.

I really appreciate you all for taking the time to respond. While it makes me sad that any of us even need to be here, your words of success and moving forward are giving me hope.