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I believe that getting a divorce is the right thing to do for my whole family.  However, my wife is likely to go bat crazy (paint me black) if I do and I don't want my kids seeing it.  My thought was to wait until she goes shopping, take the kids to a friends, contact the lawyer to serve her the papers.  Is that a good idea or not?

The only thing is because I'm not afraid I could not get a temporary restraining order against her so she will get to see the kids soon.   

If it's not a good idea what would be the best way to get my kids out safely without any more harm coming to them?

Sometimes you are left with no choice but to take the only option left. :'( As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet.  While you and others can't avoid triggering the overreactions, you didn't cause it.  But you can find practical ways to deal with it all - from a safe (or a less unsafe) distance with a solid court order under your belt.

I quote this in many threads here:  Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.


Understand that what you see as harm to the children may not be the same view of child protective services, children's agencies or family court.  They don't worry overmuch concerning what is bad, just whether something is 'actionable' bad.  Second, she is likely to overreact and retaliate by making horrendous false allegations.  Once the marriage has fallen to the ':)' level she may respond as many spouses here have done, trying to make you look worse than her.  So ponder that.  Do you have proof you're not the one misbehaving?  If left to "he-said, she-said", then court may default to believing the female gender, especially for the first several months or longer.  In my case I had 2 temp orders, once at separation and once when I filed for divorce, both defaulted me to alternate weekend father.  This despite her facing DV charges in another court, her blocking my father-preschooler contact for over 3 months, etc.  It was hard but I did manage to accumulate a number of recordings of her ranting and raging out of control before and during separation.  Court ignored most of it but I felt it was my special insurance in case it got even worse.

You may think the moment of separation and the first few days is crucial but many here would say it takes second place to the long term court orders and how effectively they address the poor behaviors.  However, I agree it is best to start the separation with the children in your care.  That may help you to get the best temp order possible and that IS very important.  Divorce is an uphill struggle for most fathers and you need the best starting temp order you can get.  It may also lessen the likelihood of your spouse successfully claiming you're abusive, dangerous, neglectful and an all-around ogre.

I'm not saying it can't start better for you but you definitely should be informed of strategies and approaches that are more likely to address what the court views as most actionable. REad our responses to other new members, pick and choose what you think will work in your situation.

One advantage of court orders is that they set rules in the separation.  Maybe good for you at first - or not - but it does one important thing... .you spouse is no longer the entitled one seizing control by unilateral demand, the Real Authority is now the court.

What I've got is a log which includes her abusive behavior towards me while the kids were present and most importantly directed towards the kids to get to me in a couple instances.  I also have a pastor and a psychologist who has a doctorate degree who would say the kids are better off in my care (and possibly a psychologist with a degree in social work who my wife has lied to).  

There are also many people that would testify that I'm an honest person who hates lies.  

I don't know if that helps or not though.  

I forgot to add she was admitted to a hospital for a post partum diagnosis. 

ForeverDad, if she does go to court she will deny everything and indeed as you said demonize me.  My strategy will be to suggest that her words are not trustworthy, that she's unsafe as a mother, and is mentally incompetent.

Both psychologists are concerned about the mental health of myself and the kids.     

Just a suggestion, in my case I have already contacted the local domestic violence shelter.  I have started a file there which puts emergency help even closer. You should have a "bug out bag" with a few days of essentials in it ready to go, or maybe stashed at a friends house if you have to make a get away.  My wife is more predictable the lower the stress is.  Divorce talk might send her into a rage like no other.  Preparation will pay off.

hi aaron1979. this is a terrible predicament to be in and i'm sorry for what you're going through. your w is likely to react badly however you serve her; nonetheless, it was my L's strong opinion that service should happen in the mildest way possible. my L sent the service to her L, who accepted delivery and passed it on. (we had a back-up plan, but didn't need it.) however, it sounds as if you're all living together still, is that right?

We are all living together still and I know she'll react badly.  She doesn't have a lawyer and she doesn't know I'm doing this yet which is better for the kids.  That's why I want the kids out of the house and in my possession when that's done.  

This tears me up because I still care about her.  I'm talking to a family lawyer Tuesday without her knowledge.    

good. please keep in mind that a lawyer will want to know first about actions and documentation; diagnoses are not actionable things. still, it would help you to know what the worst case scenario can be. we have a pamphlet, bpdfamily.com About Personality Disorders and the Family Courts (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/pamp-eddy.pdf), which may be helpful. i wouldn't put this is front of the L at the first meeting, but i would ask if he or she has experience in high-conflict divorces.