BPDFamily.com

When I began seeing my therapist in June I told her several stories which lead her to believe my ex has BPD. She loved me some day, but hated me most days. Our relationship of 3 years was great for about the first 6 months, once we moved in together the roller coaster ride began. I never did anything right in her eyes & it was a constant fight. She hated my friends (whom she barely knew) & she hated my family (specifically my mother). I was constantly being controlled, manipulated & emotionally abused without realizing it. I was also constantly being accused of cheated on her, little did I know she was "projecting" her own infidelity.

   My 'aha moment' came when I finally confronted her (in March) about cheating. She confessed & I completely fell to pieces. I was crying, pacing back and forth, and couldn't bare the pain in my chest. As I began to ask her questions she sat in front of me with a stone face, no emotion, no remorse & not a tear in her eye. As I continued to cry all she could tell me was that I was "crazy & needed help" and I "needed to stop feeling sorry for myself." The fact that she continued to put me down when I was already broken hurt me so much more. March through June we had minimal contact & I really felt like I was making progress. Early July she began calling, texting, emailing, and showing up at my house crying & telling me what a big mistake she made. July through September we spoke maybe once a week. At the beginning of October she invited me to dinner & a movie to celebrate my birthday(never had she treated me to birthday anything before), which I agreed to. Of course things turned sexual & there I was caught up in this mind game again. She said she loved me & wanted to work things out & I agreed. Not even 3 weeks later she calls to tell me she changed her mind & doesn't want me. Talk about being kicked while I was down.

   So here I am 7 days later trying to piece back together my heart, my mind & my life. I find myself wanted to contact her because I want answers. Why? Why would you come back knowing you still didn't want to be with me? Why cheat and disrespect someone who loved and respected you? My mind is constantly consumed by questions and thoughts of how badly I was treated.

Why doesn't matter ... .the reason. Is she is ill... .read your post and ask yourself is someone who cheated then didn't apologize to you or have remorse worth anymore time in your life... .no

You didn't love her because she did not exist. ... .she portrayed the girl you wanted to get you hooked then became her unstable sick self ... .you need to start asking why can't I get better then find a how you get better... .you have every right to be upset but do not think you have a right to be upset that's she isn't with you... .because you don't want or need her... .we were all taken for a ride be happy it's over


You get your life back now

We all find ourselves asking this question at some point.  As Standing said, they are mentally ill.  There is no answer and thats whats so hard for us.  We foster relationships based on truths and vulnerability.  They do not.  It's a hard pill to swallow, but thats it in a nutshell.  Where we want to love, they need to love.  They are empty because they hate themselves so much that they are blinded to the damage they cause.  There are moments of lucidness that can last days, weeks, months, or even years... .but they won't last.

In the beginning, its common they mirror our best traits back to us which is why we are hooked so quickly.  It was an illusion.  :)o you know why she was so great in the beginning?  Because she was you!  That's why she was so perfect.  It won't take long before their "true self" makes an appearance.  They build you up and then knock you down.  That is the nature of their disorder.  Please try not to focus on the "why did they" questions.  What matters is that you focus on yourself to get better.  You've survived the fight, take what you've learned and apply it... .focus on a hobby you like or something else.  Reconnect with old friends or make new ones.  Keep moving.  You aren't alone, we are here when you need us  

"Lost, without an answer... .Time never stops to lets us find what we have lost, no remorse for our despair, time doesn't care."

I love those lyrics, there so dark, but a part of me revels in them.

How unfortunate is it that we are left to cope with the absurd? I mean, it's absurd is it not? There is no rhyme or reason behind their behavior, it is completely nonsensical.

I really liked what game over posted the other day. He said something along the lines of, "I believe she (his ex) and I are both victims of the disorder."

The disorder does't abide by the same rules and standards that we have grown so accustomed to. To us, their behavior seems completely and utterly illogical. Its like, "how on earth could you do such and such, or say such and such? What kind of rationale would lead you to such an action?" However,  The thing is, there is some sort of logic to it, but its a logic based on their disordered personalities. So, consequently, it is completely alien to us.

When I think about her thinking - the why - I shutter. My ex's world is a freak show. "If you could see where I've been, you'd touch the hand thats touching sin." I sing that lyric to myself often. I have seen into her world, I've had glimpses, and it is a living hell.

What will you do with your question mark? What will I do with mine? Maybe ill cherish it.

Why does the mad man cackle? because he has come to the realization that life is absurd. Pain is present, and when in that overwhelming position, when one is completely inundated, one might come face to face with their existence - stark and raw.

One response is to cackle, to LMAFO. "Oh my goodness! look at all this pain! It simply makes no sense, its a cosmic joke! where is justice? Where is my loving God? Who will protect me?" DUN DUN DUN!

NO ONE!

lol.

Except of course yourself, the godhead within. A HA, Eureka! I am the answer to the question mark forced upon me! My lived experience is the answer.

... .

There you will sit with your pain, and there you will find silence. There you will sit on the ocean floor, peering up at the waters surface. You will see the ripples, you will see the tumultuous waves, yes you will see the tsunamis, the torrent of pain crashing into your experience. But there you will remain, on the ocean floor, where all is silent, all is serene.

You will notice what a miraculous site it is that you behold. You will gasp and exclaim, WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE ALIVE!

Then you will SHOUT, with the fervent courage of 10,000 spartans, "I ACCEPT THIS PAIN!"

Your eyes close... .

You wake up the next morning.

And you do it again.

Never,

Ever,

Giving

up

on

yourself.