BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I'm new here.  I'm not even sure where to start... .

I was with my BPD boyfriend for a year and a half... .only we didn't know he had BPD until a couple of weeks before he took his own life, which was a month ago today. Even then, we were left to our own devices without knowing much at all.  I wish I knew then, what I know now.

This may be a long story... .but I need to write it as it went because I don't know how to summarise grief and despair.

We had a whirlwind affair.  We fell heavily in love.  I thought all my searching for a soul mate had come to an end and I was finally going to be happy with this beautiful man I had met.  We decided to move in together after dating for six months.  I have two children from a previous relationship and he had none.  We had actually gone to the same high school but he was four years older than I, and we hadn't had any contact for 25 years until we started dating so I didn't know much about him at all.  We had been living together for about two months when his behaviour started to change.  I knew he was on antidepressants, but so was I, so that didn't mean much to me as far as being worried was concerned.  He started off by telling me that I had too much of my stuff around our new place and that his ex girlfriend had done the same thing to him.  The thing is, he didn't own many possessions and I was just trying to create a love nest.  He knew that my stuff was his stuff.  Anyway, I packed half of it away to appease him.  Next he tried to isolate me from my children.  Told me that they were making him feel like a visitor and that he didn't belong.  I swear my children are not like that.  They are very passive, polite kids.  I told him that it was our job as adults to ease 'their' transition, not the other way round.  He was also very fastidious all of a sudden and we had to do things his way.  Over the next couple of months he had issues at work - having angry outbursts at foremen and being kicked off site.  In fact, he started to have angry outbursts at home... .at both myself and my children.  I had no idea what was happening and his 180 degree turnaround in behaviour worried me.

Fast forward a couple of months and he spent five days in our dark bedroom and gave me the silent treatment.  On the fifth day, he came out to the kitchen and was washing some dishes in the sink when I queried him about what was happening.  Apparently I had said something weeks ago that insulted him but to me it was a flippant comment that didn't mean much.  To him though, it meant the world.  He turned around and threw the washing up brush at me, at full force... .but it missed.  I called his sister, thinking she may have some insight into his behaviour, so she came around to our home to talk with him.  It only took about five minutes before she threw her hands in the air in frustration.  She told me when she was leaving, that she's seen this behaviour before, but if he takes his antidepressants properly, he's 'amazing'.  At this point, I told her about the alter ego that presents itself on occasion.  It actually started as just here and there and for short periods.  I didn't really think anything of it as eccentricity doesn't bother me much.  But the alter ego came out more and more often, developed a name and then started demeaning me.  She brushed it off so I didn't take it any further.  

A month goes by and I start having dreams of 'twins'... .every night for a fortnight.  It was driving me crazy.  I even told him about the dreams.  He came home from work one afternoon, gave me a kiss and as soon as he did, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  My intuition was in full force and I recognised the feeling.  It may sound crazy, but a voice told me to check his phone, which up until this point, I'd had never done.  I found messages to at least eight women.  Explicit sexual messages including photos etc.  I looked at him and said, "You're the twins, you two-faced ass" and I threw him out.  

What followed, was two months of torment.  He texted and emailed me I don't know how many times.  Personal threats to me, suicide threats, accusations, begging to be forgiven, love messages, you name it.  It was relentless and I had no idea what was happening.  No idea at all.  I also broke into his computer while he was gone and found out that he had been soliciting sex from the first moment we started dating.  When I thought we were in our first flushes of new love, he was still trying to hook up with other women.  I also found a digital dossier with explicit photos and videos which included myself, his ex-girlfriend and a plethora of other unidentified women.  I was so crushed.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that he would do anything like that to me.  He convinced me he was so in love with me and that he would never hurt me.  I was frightened and thought I was dealing with a fully-fledged psychopath.  All I saw was danger to myself and my children and I treated him like the enemy, even though I had never actually stopped loving him.  In the time we were apart, he went and had a mental health assessment, while I booked myself into therapy so I could try to deal with what was happening.  I felt like I had gone to sleep on Planet Earth one night, and woken up on Planet Alien the next.  I told my therapist what had happened and straight away, she picked BPD.  She told me that people like that are incurable and that she wouldn't treat him individually or us as a couple, even if I asked.  I took that as meaning he was very dangerous and that I was in a lot of trouble.  

At some point, he messaged me to ask if I would go to get his results with him and because I still loved him, I did... .but I was so cautious and so ashamed of having contact with him after everything he had put me through.  The GP who had the results didn't even want to give them to us.  All he said was, "Keep taking your antidepressants and get some exercise".  Under duress from us both, he eventually handed over the report.  The report said 'Unipolar depression with significant personality vulnerability' - hidden code language for BPD.  I have since come to learn that therapists often reword the disorder to keep it from sufferers and to alert other mental health professionals.  NOT FAIR!  The psychiatrists recommendations included 'schema therapy' and he stated that medication was redundant.  Not the psychiatrist nor the GP EVER sat down with us to explain what this meant... .though I can understand bloody english.  My boyfriend (or ex at that stage I suppose) wanted to reconcile with me and I thought that I could... .for about two week.  But in that time, I saw what I believed to be manipulative behaviour and all the trust that I had had in him, had been completely obliterated.  He had even made veiled threats and passive aggressive comments and I was crazy with fear.  Even though I loved him more than I have loved any other man, I was so scared of letting him back in the life of myself and my children... .at least in a romantic partnership way.  I told him that I loved him, that I would be there throughout his therapy and that I just needed him to back off for a bit so we could rebuild that trust; that perhaps somewhere down the line, we could get back to being a couple.  But he gave me an ultimatum; he said, "All or Nothing".  I begged not to be backed into a corner but he said it again, "All or Nothing"... .I told him that I had children; that my decisions were theirs, whether they liked it or not... .and that wasn't fair.  I told him I would have to say 'nothing' if he made me choose, because I couldn't give him 'All' at that stage.  

What ensued was a three day drug and alcohol binge where he threw me out of his house twice and abused me relentlessly. I was to find out later that he also abused his sister over that time period.  I told him that I would be there on the Monday at lunch time.  He had actually wanted me to go over there at 2am that morning but his volatile behaviour had scared me and I had decided to stay at home, which was unusual for me.  Normally I would've run over there.  But I didn't.  At 9:00am on the Monday morning, I awoke to more messages.  He was straight back into abusing me.  Then he called me and asked if I had received his latest message. "What message?", I asked.  "Go to your messages and check".  So I did.  There was a photo of him with a noose around his neck.  The next thing I hear is the sound of the furniture crashing to the floor... .  It has been one month today and I find it hard to express what I have felt and thought.  I feel responsible, like I should've known more about the illness and how to react to him.  But I went into this thing blind.  Never in my life had I known someone with BPD.  I don't think I'd even read one thing about it over the years before meeting him.  All I can think about is that photo, the sound and that I wish I could turn back time.  I don't know how I will ever recover.  I'm still alive but most days I think about suicide at least once.  I have lost my soul mate to an illness, a suicide and my own lack of information.   I have left a lot of information out and I've probably rambled like a confused person... .but my life is in turmoil and I'm fighting just to hang on.  Any words of advice would be tremendously appreciated... .

Massive hugs to you! Xxx I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

This illness is not your fault. Like many of us here, me included, we thought we could change those we loved. Sadly we can't.

How's your support network Chupa? Please continue to read and write it helped me enormously.

Xx

Hi ChupaChup,

Welcome.

I am so sorry to hear of your tragedy. My heart goes out to you. Your ex was clearly very ill and as Clearmind says, his illness wasn't your fault and nor was his suicide.

It is disgraceful that you received so little information upon his diagnosis, but circumstances may not have played out any differently even if you had known what you were up against. You must be devastated. Keep sharing that devastation and eventually, you will begin to heal... .things can get and do get better.

With love,

Lifewriter

Thank you, Clearmind and Lifewriter 16.  I appreciate your kind words.  I AM devastated and feel so terribly alone.  The only people that know of his condition are myself, his sister and his mother.  For his mother, this is her second child that has suicided so I haven't heard a single word from her.  His sister has been nice to me, but only responds to my very few communications; she never initiates any contact.  None of his friends have contacted me once.  They think they know what happened, but they don't.  They assume he killed himself because of me.  He didn't die from the hanging instantly.  It took him five days to pass away.  Who do you think it was that spent the most time with him?  It was me.  His friends came to the hospital once and each went in for no more than five minutes each.  I spent hours and hours with him.  It was so difficult... .especially because most of them refused to even look at me, let alone speak to me.  None of them have any idea of the treatment I or his family received and because his family have chosen not to be honest about his condition, they received all the condolences and I received nothing.  I didn't even go to his ashes scattering and memorial because I was afraid they would vilify me and I was too destroyed to attempt to fight them over it. I am struggling because I feel like two people... .grieving and being angry at two people.  I, the grieving girlfriend and abuse victim... .Him, the beautiful man I adored and that horrible alter ego who hurt me.  It is the worst case of cognitive dissonance I have ever experienced.  I feel like I died during that phone call and am doomed to walk around a shell for the rest of my life.  Thank you for taking the time to be here for me.  I appreciate it so much.

I want to say something helpful but am at loss of words.

I'm so sorry, my heart and thoughts go out to you.

It's NOT your fault, please remember that, and tell your self that to the point you truly know it without any shred of doubt and feel it in your stomach and heart.

Post here, it helps. Here people understand and will acknowledge the abuse you went through.

Stay strong. You will get through this. It's a lot of work but going to this site and share your story is a powerful step forward.

So so sorry.  Look, in my heart of hearts I know I saved my ex life,  yet I was threatened by knife point and have bite marks on my body... .  Sacrificeing your self to save him isn't the answer.  It left me just as broken.  Please build your support network and focus on your children.

Welcome to the board, ChupaChup  

I can understand the pain you're going through and what you're about to read from me is just words on a screen, but please seek out professional help to guide you through this traumatic event that has taken place in your life.  I say that because having read your post, you mention that you think of suicide at least once a day.  I think it best that you speak with someone about what you've been through, face-to-face and on a professional level.

Each of us here on this board have had our own experiences with BPD.  Some of us have had to deal with suicide or threats there of from our pwBPD.  For example, in our last bout of arguing, my pwBPD told me that she has been thinking how much easier everyone's life would be without her around because all she does is cause problems.  My pwBPD is medicated and in DBT and it's still difficult.  She has completely cut me out of her life in the same fashion she did 4 years ago.  I have already been replaced (at least thats my gut feeling), as that is her MO.

One thing I want you to know:  you are not at fault for any of this.  I know thats easier to read than believe, but its fact.  You aren't responsible for his actions.  No amount of love, begging, pleading, rationalizing his behavior, or trying to convince yourself that if you had done something ever so slightly different it would've yielded a different outcome would have helped him.  People with BPD, Im convinced, don't "get better".  It just doesn't go away.  It can be managed, but it takes a huge amount of investment for them to manage it and most don't.  My pwBPD went on medication and has been in DBT for about a month.  I was so proud she started, but she's not taking it serious and told me in one of our final conversations that she was going to quit because she was doing it for me and if I wasn't going to be around what was the point.  That told me instantly that DBT wouldn't work for her because she wasn't doing it for herself, she (claims) she was doing it for me.

Now, having lost her again isn't easy.  I still get down, I still miss her.  I still want her to find that inner peace she so desperately needs, but she's responsible for that, not me.  Just like you aren't responsible for his actions.  I know, having been there, that your peace will come in due time.  Please take care of yourself and your children, they need you more than you think they do.  Seek out a professional to help you during this difficult time.  All the best to you!  We are here if you need us  

I am so sorry you have had to deal with this.  The important thing now is to take care of yourself and your kids, not ruminate on what went wrong.  Despite what others may think, you KNOW this wasn't your fault, and you need to remember that.  He was very ill, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened.   

Hey Chupa,

first of all I want to express my sympathy for you, this is really a terrible event... .take all the time you need to heal and recover.

Astro said some very wise things, so I want to highlight them again for you:


The problem with BPDs is that they basically have maladaptive behaviours stemming from a deficient self; this is also the reason why their life is, usually, full of turmoils.

These maladaptive behaviours are very different with respect to the NONs no0rmal thinking, and therefore it may take you some time (or better, your hearth may take some time to get with  logic) to realize the logic behind these and understand that YOU DON'T HAVE ANY fault.

Another very important suggestion I want to give you is to read about BPD as much as possible, since understanding the disorder is extremely useful for your healing. So, read (and write) as much as you can this forum. Other interesting documents/sources of information are the following:

www.maretwebproject.com/users/docs/borderline.pdf

www.universitypsychiatry.com/clientuploads/picp/10_PICPs.pdf

Also, there's a user in this forum, 2010, who posted TONS of insightful reflections in the past: I suggest you to read her posts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

Many of 2010's references are related to the book "The search for the real self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age " by James F. Masterson. This book is extremely insightful, since it gives you a very precise picture about the psychological mechanisms behind BPD, how and when it starts and the effects it has  on the lives of people suffering it.

Another user I really appreciate, even because of his beautiful and compassionate writing style, is Conundrum:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

Finally, if you want to have some insight from BPDs who are under therapy, you may want to have a look at this forum:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

However, this is something I suggest you to do whenever you're more at peace with yourself, since you have to heal first. What they write may trigger you.

Lots of hugs, we are here for you!

After I finished bawling my eyes out again after reading this, I am even more conflicted with what to do.

This is where my story is headed and I feel like I cannot stop the train from being derailed. I love my husband so much, he has come through tremendous trial and suffering to get where he is today. His would be a true waste of a beautiful life. I am so sorry Sister. So sorry.

Hi ChupaChup,

I lost a very dear friend of mine to suicide --- two months ago today actually.

I know the words, "it's not your fault" or "don't beat yourself up" or "there isn't anything else you could have done" don't hold a lot of weight when you're processing through the pain.

It's true though. It's not all that comforting, I know.

Just knowing what we're feeling has a normalcy --- in that most people dealing with this kind of loss feel that way --- helped me though. Especially in the moments I really was feeling so sad and guilty thinking there was something more I could have done.  

Borderline Personality Disorder has the highest rate of attempted and completed suicides compared to other disorders and others who are suffering from mental illness. Poor impulse control and poor emotional regulation don't equip our loved ones very well. You're not alone in this, a lot of us know how hard it is to support someone who suffers from this disorder.

Chupa, this stuff is really hard. I'm so sorry for your loss, please know that you are definitely in the right place to help you get through this. We really do understand and are here for you.   

~DreamGirl  

ChupaChup,

I'm sorry for your loss. Members here can relate with you. It helps to talk.

I too recently lost a very good friend to suicide. He suffered from depression, not BPD. I was only his friend but the void he left behind is indescribable. I can't even imagine what it's like for his wife and children. I won't pretend to know what it's like for you.

Hi Chupa. This is pretty devastating stuff. I can't say what it feels like to be you right now. I can say how I would feel but that does not matter. Because you are really hurting and looking for answers. I personally attempted four times in my life. I say this not as a bragging statement but so that you understand the rest of what I am going to say is sincere and true.

You had absolutely nothing to do with his choice to commit suicide. There was also almost nothing that you could have done that would have prevented it. Those are real and valid feelings/thoughts. When someone gets to the point of hopeless where you fear living more then you fear death, you look for something, anything to pin your pain to. I blamed my ex wife in a note once and also losing my job in another and then it was the drug addiction that I was trying to escape from. Actually it was just me I was trying to escape from. The worst part is that you want to put blame on someone because otherwise that would mean it wasn't something else it was me. So we look to push that onto someone else or a situation and somehow it makes it easier. I hope you are seeing a therapist right now. They can help you work through these feelings that you are having.

This was not your fault.

This want not your choice.  

I don't know if this helped, I hope that it did. You have to believe that he put this plan in motion prior to that day. I can say from experience that it would have taken Jesus himself appearing for me to not go through with it. There is this moment of bliss once you have made the decision, but the person knows that's temporary and hinges on this act making all the problems vanish.

There are a few things you can do. Get involved! There are suicide prevention awareness walks that I walk in and raise money for each year. They are at afspa.org. I got involved in advocacy work through them also and it makes a difference.  I would give you a big hug if I could right now.

My heart is breaking for you. What a horrible thing to live through and I know it feels like you will never be okay again. While I have not been through it, I do know that many people here have lost loved ones to suicide.

They are here for you.

As with all pain and loss, it will never go away, but it will get better. You will be able to go on with your life and even be happy. It is a process and no one can define it for you, but they can help you to heal.

Please contact your local hospice and/or suicide hotline. They should have grief support groups that may even be free. If your employer has an EAP, they will often pay for a few sessions of therapy as well.

This is NOT your fault, and you couldn't have prevented it. He was sick and you couldn't save him.

Sending hugs and prayers for you and your children

Oh my gosh that's so awful! So dark! It feels like that is the ultimate emotional abuse you have suffered there. I hope you have a lot of support around you, and are being kind to yourself.

It truly is awful how there seems to be a lottery with locations / services and the treatment /support available for BPD and family members. I am a mental health professional I think there is always room for hope for recovery - but the person with whatever condition needs to take ownership and responsibility for this. I truly believe emotional intelligence / dbt skills should be taught to all children from a young age in school as part of their basic education.

This website is amazing it has helped me when I've been in dark places mentally.

Although I cannot say that my experience matches your entirely -I have recently got out of a situation where I felt in fear of this happening and to some extent I still have that fear -but I am at peace somewhat and know I have done all I can to be supportive and he is in the hands of his family now. I really hear how much you loved him. My beautiful inside and out but incredibly damaged ex made superficial attempt to end his life back in Jan 2014 when I was staying with a friend at this point I did not know he had BPD -he only got an official diagnosis of this couple months ago. I stuck by him as I thought his crisis was the climax of having confided in me about his ocd which he kept quiet about for 4 years and he finally agreed to allow me to tell his family. However several cbt for ocd attempts, moving in together and him imploding/self destructing and digging himself into a hole 2 months ago and me having to flee our home -this fear of what you actually experienced haunted me.

My heart goes out to you, bless you, stay strong, it is not your fault -sounds like you tried to understand and love him all you could -keep reading all you can about the condition  

I encourage you to stay with us and talk about it over the coming weeks.  We have a Staying Board that can help as well as Personal Inventory board  - we lent you some posts so that you would have access.

You are not alone in this here.  We have mother who have lost children, members that have lost a parent, and partners that have lost a partner.

The emotions ties ti this are complex and not many understand it.  The loss is a very different one than other types loss. There is a void that other's mentioned. there are the many "what if" conversations you will have.  The difficult part, is often none of the answer are really an answer. I know, I've lived it too.

Suicide is a confluence of circumstances, a perfect storm.

If anyone had altered any of the circumstance who it have changes things?

Yes.

If so, would another storm have brewed?

Very possibly, but not for sure.  

Are family and friends acting badly?

Often they don't how to process this and say and do really painful things as they respond to what has happened.

Who is to blame?

Accept that a lot of people will feel that this is about having a "reason".  If some one says ____ committed suicide, the immediate response it "why?" The honest answer is very complex and has do do with the perfect storm I mentioned.  Most folks won't dig that deep and will look for a 3 word answer.

The three word answer is often the something that happened that day that was the straw that broke the camels back. But people don't commit suicide over the straw - everything else had to fall into place .

We're here for you.

I wrote this for my Mom's eulogy, she passed away this summer, I hope in some small way it will comfort you.

Like the light of ancient stars who's lights have been extinguished millions of years ago, but their light still reaches us today. So, may his light shine upon your loving face forever.

Shouldxo

Hi again everyone,

Thank you so very much for all your kind words of wisdom.  Yes, I have been seeing a therapist since before it happened, actually... .because I was already seeing her for the torment he was putting me through after I kicked him out of the house.  I'm not sure if it's helping yet or not... .because it's not like it's trauma counseling where I may learn specific coping mechanisms; it's just a place for me to vent and try to wrap my head around what's happening.  She's a really nice woman though, and she is at least a sounding board for my confused state of mind. 


Thank you Should... .I love to write poetry, so those beautiful words mean a lot.

To Skip;  I love the analogy of 'a perfect storm' and your words, 'But people don't commit suicide over the straw... .'  It helps me to have that pointed out... .time and time again as grief would have it. It is true, if I am to step outside myself, that his suicide was a life-time in the making.  It is still difficult not to feel responsible for the things I know now that I did wrong... .even with the knowledge that it was his actions that led me there in the first place.  The guilt nearly ate me alive in the first few weeks.  Now, just when I have managed to alleviate some of my self-induced guilt; detractors who have never even met me, are spreading rumours that I am the mentally ill one and that I am responsible for his death.  I suppose I don't entirely blame them, when all they have been told is the stories he made up about me, when I was the 'ALL BAD DEVIL' in his eyes.  Although I know the truth of the matter, that bit is still really hard to deal with when you are as vulnerable as I am... .

Cherryblossom; I'm sorry to hear of your own heartbreak where your ex is concerned.  I am actually happy for you though, that you have escaped.  I had escaped too... .but he lured me back in with the health assessment results, and a part of me wishes I had never gone with him to get them that day.  If I had've just ignored his request, he may be alive and I may not be so damaged.

Mimi99;  Thank you for your hugs and your prayers for myself and my children; we really need them right now xx


   

Hi Todd :)  Your message meant a lot because it was from the other perspective; especially the section I have highlighted.  Also, your insight into the fact that the plan was put into motion prior to that day, is correct.  I found out a fortnight after his death, that a couple of girlfriend's ago; he had shown her a noose amidst their relationship breakdown and then went off somewhere to hang himself.  Apparently he stepped down from the noose at the last second... .and that was approximately 3 or 4 years ago.  I had never known that; nobody had told me until after the fact.  In the words of my therapist; "He had been rehearsing this for quite some time."  In a way I'm glad it was me rather than her.  I would hate for this pain to be inflicted on anyone else.

I know there are other wonderful people here who deserve a response, but I am so tired.  The exhaustion, especially of my mind, is a topic unto itself.  I feel like I will never have any energy again.  I just want to say a heartfelt thanks, to everyone who took the time to send me their blessings.  I am extremely appreciative as always.  Love to you all xx

You are welcome Chupa. Your emotional life for the short term is going to feel like you are fighting to get out of a hammock. Don't fight to get out. Sit in the hammock and feel what you need to feel. It's how we process things. By being in them. When you are ready you will see that you can just roll to the left or right and actually use the hammock to your advantage and fall out gracefully. This is a great place for help. Lots of wisdom floating around. Grab what you want and what makes sense for you.

Hi ChupaChup,

I am so sorry   


I'm glad you've got someone to support you in this way.

Your ex-boyfriend committing suicide is traumatic in and of itself, and I want to point out that you also "witnessed" it.  You saw a picture, and you heard a sound.  I hope that your therapist realizes that might be adding to the intensity of the trauma.  Also, having his family and friends spreading negative rumours about you and you feeling powerless to convince them otherwise, and them refusing to look at or speak to you (silent treatment), would be stressful in and of itself, but adding that to the already difficult circumstances... .the point is, I can understand you being in immense pain right now.  

You are saying you know the truth, but it's difficult when you're already in a vulnerable position.  That's true.  It can be tremendously difficult to "hold on to your truth" while everybody else seems to be telling a different story.  That's why it's good that you've reached out for support and validation, please continue to do so.

With all my heart I am sending you love, support and hugs. I cannot even imagine the pain you much feel. Please take gently care of yourself. You have experienced a terrible trauma. I pray that you will find the courage to heal from this. A psychologist told me "there is nothing you could have done or not done his actions are his choice and his alone". Please know you are in my prayers. May your heart find peace.

         

Eeks; thank you, THANK YOU... .for being someone who finally understands the gravity of my situation.  Being a 'witness' adds an element of trauma that is almost unbearable.  My own friends can't even wrap this concept around their minds.  Even if you can't know the pain, how could you not realise the immensity of a situation like that, and that it must be horrible for another person?  I don't get it.  I just don't.  They all expect me to be back to my normal self.  I feel pressured by their ignorance.  I am feeling very, very isolated right now.  There is practically no-one in my life I want to talk to, because their incapacity to 'see', makes me very disappointed.  They all expect me to hate him for what he put me through, so the fact that I don't... .pushes them even further away.  I am literally having an existential crisis.  Ugh.  I am writing a book (up to chapter 3) because it is the ONLY thing keeping me on the planet. Ugh.  Thank you for having enough insight to 'get it' xxx

   Thank you so much, Hope... .I need all the prayers I can get and am accepting them with gratitude and as much grace as I can muster xx

I'm so sorry for you. This condition turns your entire life upside down and what a tragic ending. Please continue to post on this board, it has been a lifesaver for me. Al Anon has a direct and clear message - " you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it". Peace to you and your children.