BPDFamily.com

(reposted here in "undecided" following advice... .initially posted in "staying"

Hi all,

Firstly great forum here. It was like a light in the black when i came across it last night.

I'll tell you about my situation. Any advice, comments, anything would be very gratefully received.

I am a 35 year old man. I began a relationship with a 38 year old female (suffering with BPD) 10 months ago after we'd been friends for about 4 years. We live in different countries (myself in the UK and my partner in mainland Europe).

We see each other frequently. Of these 10 months she has spent close to a month with me in the UK and I have spent 5 months living with her in Europe. Meaning around about 4 months we have had to spend apart.

The first two months passed without any great incident (I dont think she'd grown so emotionally attached to me yet)

On the third month I came to Europe to visit her for the first time. The two month visit was marred by several horrible 'events' I could not understand at the time. Later I would understand they were relating to her BPD.

After the visit ended and I returned home things only got worse. I was besieged by horrible messages, subject to guilt trips and controlling behaviour and everything was been made out to be my fault. It really seems the only thing I could have done during this time was not left my desk at home (I work at home).

She visited me for 2 weeks in the middle of this period of my been in the UK. We went for a romantic holiday away. This was marred by a BPD episode relating to a female friend (10,000 km away who i've never met) emailing me during this time. My partner went silent for a few hours then after asked what was wrong did a lot of shouting and screaming, threw a cigarette at me, and stormed off to sit in a bush alone.

The next 6 weeks inbetween her leaving and my returning to Europe was again just like the initial period (besieged by horrible messages, subject to guilt trips and controlling behaviour)

Finally I came to Europe again at the end of July to stay with her. This period has been marred by several BPD related incidents.

To add balance to the above. I undoubtedly should have read more about BPD, taken on board what she'd told me more about BPD (She's well aware of what she has), should have taken the steps i'd been told would help... .and perhaps various other things.

Perhaps the major problem I have is that I have started suffering with anxiety recently. Various postal issues have meant that my medication has not reached me in Europe and i've had to go cold turkey off the medication (which adds to my problem). So i've found it hard to stay calm when seemingly been attacked by the BPD.

A major problem on my partners side is regarding treatment.

The European country she lives in means she has to pay astronomical charges for medical care (a simple visit to the doctor can be around $1000).

After the problems we faced in March/April (While I was in Europe) I stated the only way I could stay with her was if she went through treatment. She agreed. She made a couple of visits to the doctors and at least one visit to see a therapist. Initially she was put on a medication intended for short term help (this worked wonders and there were no problems during this period) but then was put onto another form of medication which seems to be doing nothing good at all.

In recent weeks she received the bills for the visits to the doctor and therapist. Due to the size of them she stated she would cease treatment. This worries me greatly.

Also I saw on Saturday. following a BPD incident on Friday, she had self-harmed again. This is the third time I have seen her do this. She makes lengthy incisions into her thigh. The whole length of her thigh from the knee up. She has also once, about a month ago, told me she was considering suicide.

Regarding the self-harm I have some questions... .

Is this a warning sign that a suicide attempt could be close?  

Who do I speak to about this? (It is recommended I speak to her therapist/doctor but she essentially doesn't have one)

I have cut short this latest visit to see her and am returning home a few days earlier than planned due to not been able to cope. This has made things worse.

I really dont know if i want to or even can live with this forever. If i knew she was undergoing treatment then there would be some light at the end of the tunnel but that light seems to have gone.

My plan is to go back home (1st Nov) to gather some strength and read more on the subject. Then return to be with her at the beginning of December and stay for Xmas and New Year.  

I do love her but a happy man has this year become on the most part quite miserable, scared and feeling quite bullied and abused.

Original Post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285002.0

Hey donald, We're not here to tell you, much less "the Donald," what to do.  I suspect that, on some level, you already know what you need to do.  If you're unsure, listen to your gut feelings.

Most of us Nons (including me) have codependent tendencies, whereby we seek our worth and value through others.  We think we are responsible for the well being of others, because it feels good to be the White Knight.  The reality is that caretaking is unhealthy for the both the caregiver and the care receiver, because both are avoiding something that they need to do on their own, which is care for onself.  You might consider whether you fall into this category.

LuckyJim

WOW, this is so similar to my case with xBPDgf. We went to Toronto for a concert. As I stopped at a crosswalk for pedestrians, all of a sudden BPD yelled out ,"you are looking at the females in the crosswalk.", and then she went into a silent rage for about 4 hours. She sent me into a tail spin as I tried my darnest to find out why she was so upset, but the silent rage prevailed. I got so mad that I almost kicked her out of my car and let her try to find her way back into the US.

This only was one of many of the BPD episodes that made me so confused and had to seek professional therapy help. Luckily for me, the T who happened to deal with BPD in her first job out of university, recognized the BPD right away and gently nudged me with:

"A very risk r.s" & "she could be Ms. Right but not MRs. Right now".

THanks to her advice and my reading of many of the posts here, I came to conclusion that I was way over my head, and time to get out. It was the best decision of my life.

About her self harm, I think you should let the medical professional deal with her. Call the police right away about her intention or when you catch her doing it.

Be careful she could claim that you are the one that cuts her and that could mean big trouble for you with the laws. So stay distant and let the police and hospital deal with her. 

Remember BPD will try to put the guilt on you with self harm and threats. Don't let them do that to you.

You did not cause her illness, you cannot control it and you can not cure it.

The moment you let these episodes become your PROBLEMS that moment will be the downward spiral of your existence.  You have got to stay strong and let her solve her own problems. She must be the one who wants to change for the better.

Hi, I had read about this "codependent" factor earlier today. It is not something I can relate to.

I am happiest when things are normal and peaceful.

Historically I tend to make things worse during 'BPD incidents' so am far from a White Knight

Thanks for reaching out to me though. I appreciate it.

Hi OnceConfused, I'm very grateful for your input. This is a carbon copy of a description of what happens during what I describe as "BPD Incidents"

Here are two examples very similar to your own

1) On my first visit to Europe i requested many times that we go out for a romantic meal together. She was very resistant but finally one day agreed and we went to to a place (her choice) - a bar that doubled as a brothel (but sold her favourite pizza).

She has, I would later find out, a HUGE hatred of prostitutes. We finished our pizza and her uncle came to join us. His pizza came just as i'd lit up a cigarette. Been somewhat a polite guy I went and finished my cigarette at the bar and paid the bill. Paying the bill involved me talking to one of the barmaids (a prostitute).

It was for this I was firstly given a few hours silent treatment until finally after asking many times what was wrong my BPD partner flew off the handle about me chatting up a prostitute. :/

This still causes her rage to this day.

I understand it is a mistake to call this "idiotic" and "ridiculous" even though to a 'non' this ofc is.

I really dont know how to handle such paradoxical situations. It seems to be lose/lose.


2) I made the mistake of 'suggesting' we watched Wolf of Wall Street (I hadn't seen it before)

It contained too many prostitutes for her linking. I wasn't spoken to for a day.

Then I made the mistake of pointing out it was just a film and I hadn't written it, hadn't directed it or produced it.

So i wasn't spoken to for about 3 days other than angry outbursts.

Welcome to my world

Donald:

Good luck to you. I am just glad that I am no longer dealing with such a recurrent issues. Those times with the xBPDgf were quite stressful and unhapppy.