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It still feels awful! I am keeping busy, I'm working out, work has gotten better. I have been feeling much better but I miss her like crazy. She was sick and extremely mean, but for some reason I really loved that girl. At times, the good part of her is just amazing, not just the sex, the connection. But other times she is just crazy.

One might think it would be easy to let go, to remember only the pain and anguish ... .and yet all you seem capable of is remembering everything that was good and how deeply you loved her.   It sucks.

Keep up the hard work Freeatlast_1!  I wasted 20yrs with my uBPDw and I've been out for 2 years now.  I sleep well at night.  I feel relaxed and enjoy life.  I redeveloped my personhood and identity after letting it get crushed for 20yrs.  Why do we love those who treat us so mean?  I dated many nice girls before I met my uBPDw but didn't find "the one" until I met her.  She treated me the worst out of all of them but I wanted her.  I'm still trying to figure out the why?

As far as I can see you have two choices:

1.  Spend 20yrs with her until you finally get sick of all the crap and you get the heck out! (which it seems you have reached that point but are rethinking it)

2.  Get out and stay out and begin to live life as you should be.

Hope this helps!

Thanks, I agree with you. Life is just easier without the stress, the drama, the fights etc. I just hate the sickening feeling that she is with someone else, and I am not sure of it but most likely knowing her, she can't be alone. I know that's simply immature and kind of selfish too because we are both free, I just can't help feeling sick in the stomach when I think of that. I sometimes think if I go back and put her through therapy and support her through this, but that's still not guaranteed, and I can still foresee pain, drama and lack of appreciation. It's just annoyingly painful, somehow I think it's me though. I've never been so in love, and with the wrong person. I was so shocked by her actions, punching my car, yelling, screaming, verbal abuse, suicide threats, even her eyes looked so "daemon-like" when she's in the zone, it's so strange. Then when she's 'normal' she's so soft and gentle and loving, but that doesn't last. Crap, I know it's wrong to be with someone like that, and I'm not sure how my psyche is even allowing me to justify her actions.

I wonder if it really is love that we felt for these people.  Many times I reflect on what made me desire this woman who was so destructive and reactive... .why did I allow the abuse even though those around me saw all the warnings.  Was it a messianic complex or the need to fix someone who couldn't fix themselves.  Sometimes I look at it as more of an addiction with the cycle of euphoria and then the consequences.  Maybe it's the attention they give us when their on their best behavior that fills some unfulfilled need we have had since childhood.