BPDFamily.com

I've been off of this site for a while because I found that it caused me to obsess a bit too much over something I had no ability to fix (at the time). But wanted to give an update.

uBPDh and I are getting along great. We're still in the middle of a divorce which he insists has to happen. Doesn't make sense? Yeah. Welcome to BPD, and wait for the kicker . . .

So H says he'll re-marry me, but we have to get divorce and he insists he can't explain because "you won't understand." But he's given the clues.

Some of the successes we've had have come by his ability to help me out (I wrecked my car so he's been giving me rides, and he's been helping financially). Also, I have been shooting pretty straight with him. This is getting good responses. Being careful not to de-regulate him, I've been letting him know that I feel that the divorce is unfair to me and it breaks my heart, so I am not going to anymore court hearings because it's like going to a funeral, we have no children or money/material possessions to split, he gets mad when I speak (even answering the judge's questions), and I spoke to 3 lawyers who tell me that since this is a "no fault" state, there's not a dang thing I can do to stop the divorce. So why bother? I WILL let the judge know my reasons, however.

So in the process I've figured it out. H keeps talking about us needing to have a secret relationship for a while because "some people are jealous to see a Haitian (him) succeeding and with a white woman (me)." He brought up an instance long ago at the beginning of our marriage when I received a nasty Facebook message from someone who then blocked me, but he looked it up and it showed a Vodou (voodoo) shrine as the photo.

Today he talked about how he knows nothing is my fault and he loves me and will take care of me, but that I need to trust him. I know he was sincere (in his mental state). But he believes that someone put a Vodou spell on our marriage and that is why we had the problems. Makes perfect sense! He doesn't have to take any responsibility, because he was possessed! While I tend to agree with that in part (him being possessed), I'll keep working on getting him to talk with my pastor (who he admires greatly).

So, success means I might be divorced soon! Haha Wow.

Hi ptilda, it sounds like you have a great sense of humor, which really comes in handy with dealing with people with problems.  :)

Hi ptilda,

thanks for the update.   having followed your story a little bit, I can see how this does feel like success.   I am glad to hear that you and uBPDh are getting along great.

'ducks

Well. It is a way for him through the situation, and in his world where things happen the way he is insisting they happen ( magical thinking, you were the one who beat him up ).

Maybe it seems "funny" but as you said, its breaking your heart.  Not much humor to be had there. 

Took a swing backward tonight.

He's now reconsidering the divorce, but insists that I can't say anything to ANYONE about him because . . . well, just because. He'll live with me and be with me, but he won't associate with my life at all. My friends are not to speak with him.

I told him that we are a team and that both of our needs are important, and he dis-regulated (a response to him feeling really comfortable and intimate with me again, which is normal for him).

As is the pattern now, I changed the subject as he got angry. I asked if he could drop me off at church (I wrecked my car and he's been driving me around happily when I need it). We got dinner in almost silence and he dropped me a block from church for fear that someone would see him.

Tonight I wrote:

"[his nickname], you are right that we have to be careful to protect our relationship from people outside. This is why it is important for me that our relationship is not a secret. I do not wish to speak negatively about you to anyone. I want to respect and love you in all that I do. When I am able to speak freely with the individuals I KNOW I can trust, it helps strengthen and encourage me because because these are people will encourage me in loving and respecting you every day. I ask that you understand and respect that. [respect is HUGE for him]

    I think that you are right that we have to talk about boundaries so that I am not sharing (even innocently) things that you think are personal. It's important to me that I can respect your wishes in this. We should continue to speak about it so that we can make sure that both of our needs are met in our relationship"

His response: "Stop talking to me about those because finally there's no solution. I was wrong to try to trust my feelings again. Just need peace. Leave me alone."

My response: "I understand you feel discouraged too. I feel the same way. But I know that our strength together with God will help us."

His response: "Stop you're not a sidekick. I'm not discouraged. Just stop"

My Response: "Goodnight. And thank you for everything."

His response: "You won't find me anymore" [meaning he won't talk to me or help me]

My response: "[his nickname], can you tell me why you're upset at me? I want to understand what I did so I can avoid it."

No response yet.

I suspect that he will recover because his swings have been much less drastic lately. He WANTS to be with me, but keeps testing to see how much he can get by with and I'm sticking to my guns about having a mutually-agreed upon relationship (where we BOTH have our needs met and not him dictating terms), and I still insist that for us to talk about the past we need to speak with someone else. This is making him swing, but he is swinging out of regulation less violently every time.

Yesterday he did something stupid when driving and some people flipped him off and he started a huge battle with them and almost got into a fight in the middle of the street right in front of my client's house when he was picking me up! There's just NO control for his emotions! And in his mind he's never to blame.

hi ptilda,

tough stuff.   you sound like you are handling it pretty well.   how are you feeling?   when you say he is reconsidering the divorce, which way is he going?   you are doing a good job holding your boundaries.    |iiii   and not being reactive.   

I am wondering, and this is sincere curiosity, what do you think he means when he says


my thought here is my partner will somewhat abruptly stop conversations or end topics in an attempt to regulate her emotional response.   it used to bother me.   drove me nuts frankly until I tripped to the fact that she was trying to stop an emotional cascade.   I am really struck by him saying "I was wrong to try to trust my feelings again."   Wow.   That's a pretty interesting insight and he was pretty gutsy in sharing it.   


The other thing I noticed is this:


How does he normally receive questions and comments like this?   I'm thinking it comes close to the blame/shame type issues.  If this works for you, great.   for me, in my relationship I would have gone for a more neutral phrasing, something like "can you tell me what has you upset?  I want to understand so it can be avoided."

I'm glad to hear his emotions are swinging less dramatically, that's a good sign of progress.   way to go.   I know you've put a lot of work and effort into opening lines of communication.

'ducks