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Hi,

Almost 2 weeks NC with my ex BPD girlfriend... .1 month without sex and it's tough  . It's difficult to remember that sexual chemistry between us. She was beautiful, sexy and open-minded. I always have these pictures in my head, of her having sex with her rebound. On that aspect (sex) I miss her, it was amazing. I know that a healthy relationship is not only SEX it's alot more complex! I know it... .but I'm really afraid of never finding again somebody else with whom I can reach that level. Do you know how to overcome that fear and also these pictures in my head of her having sex with someone else.

Thanks alot in advance

Hi Tribalmart

I'm now a month NC and an feeling you. I had the most incredible sexual connection with my exBPD to the point i was not able to have sex with anyone else since (including the 3 years of on and off - months at a time)

I used to think i should just have sex to break the connection and find someone i would kinda like. you know the saying "to get over someone, get under someone else" ... "just do it, you know he is" but easier said than done for me. If i tried to relieve myself it would be to thoughts of us and then i would cry afterwards.

Hes actually the fist man i could climax with easily and in minutes. Never had that before... (i was married once AND in a long term relationship for about 7-10 years)

I've been wondering about this. I fear he used sex as a weapon with me. He knew how open and vulnerable i would be to him... in fact he often DIDNT finish but would let me climax several times in one session. Researching that, i found somewhere that an orgasm releases those "love feelings" so i was the only one releasing those feelings over and over and he held back. The few times he did climax it was to trick me into getting pregnant.

The worst thing we could do is get back into bed with them. The only way to break that sexual hold is to not have sex with them. The thought of never having that again is too much to handle so i just try to take it day by day. Maybe try that?

All i know is, i wont let anyone touch me, it feels creepy to me if its not his touch... But we need to ask ourselves... .where are they now, who are they F***king!

Try working out? Try Porn? (to get images of her out ) or if you can do it... .be physical with someone else. I wish i could do it, i KNOW it would help. Obv its helped my exBPD stay away

I would be able to do it with someone else... .no problem for me! Like I said it was so amazing with her, my expectations are high maybe a bit too high! I'm afraid to compare and to be disapointed... .it would only increase my pain! Last week I had a opportunity to do it, the girl was not my kind so I did'nt do it. I know that they use sex as weapon, and they know that it's a powerful one!

I'm not sure if porn could help me, it's highly addicitve and dangerous to fall in something too lonely... .but sometimes it's nice! I know that having sex with her again would be a major mistake and I won't fall in that trap! But it's a daily fight agains myself!

I so feel you all on this.

I am so relieved to have ended the relationship and my feelings for him are basically gone - but dang, that was some amazing fun we had between the sheets. I am fully resigned that I can never have that kind of energy and connection with someone stable, who's got their stuff together, who isn't looking to fill a void with another person. And that recognition makes me SUPER sad.

Are there strategies to get past this?

Thinking that way is negative. All I am going to say is purely logical:

- We are non BPD... .and we have been involved in relationship with hot sex! No?

- Why do we think that's impossible to meet a partner just like us, sensual, sexual, passionate and desirable? We are non BPD and we do have these "attribute"

I think it is because we have been hurted and our self confidence has been touched! We must stay positive... .there are normal potential partner who can fit our expectation. People you can trust and enjoy something real... .not someone who can backstab you at anytime. That is the logical part of my bain that is speaking, my heart has Doubt! Im trying to take it Day by Day with the hope that I will find it again in someone faithful and with no mental disorders. Dont forget that our BPD exs were hot in bed oh yeahhhh but sex involved 2 person and if that chemistry was so hot its also because of us!

What a great topic, I thought I was the only one that felt that way. The sex was outstanding, it wasn't just about sex, it was more about the chemistry, the emotions. It was kind of "Spiritual" experience. We have been out of touch for one month, an idea that I will never have that high again is unacceptable. I think sex has huge importance, and I cannot be happy without it (and with her). But I refuse to give it up to anyone without that "Connection", people are so quick to drop their pants, I don't get it. IT'S NOT THE SAME. I know that she is probably going out sleeping with whoever she meets, that's her type. But I realistically doubt that I'll experience that high I had with her again, I hope I'm wrong.

100% agree... .sex is an important part of the human nature and is one aspect that determinate the success rate of a couple. I just cant deal with something just average. To be positive a couple years ago I have dated  a non BPD, perfectly healthy and she was very hot in the bed... .:)  it didnt work between us for many other reason. I understand that BPD are prone to be hot in bed but I still believe there's a plenty of healthy women that can satisfy us maybe even more! by their stability and their loyalty!

Wish I knew what this sex thing is you're talking about. My ex withheld it from me for at least five months before the final discard.

WOW LostGhost, one of The main reasons I stayed in that relationship was the great sex, if that was withheld from me I would've probably walked out sooner. The rest of the relationship was very dysfunctional. And the sex have to make up for all the anger and the Rages.

I broke up from by BPWexwife one year and a half ago now. I just met a new woman and started having sex again.

It was a huge relief to have sex with someone I was on friendly terms with. Even if the sex with my exwife could be good (and very "wild" sometimes) it was a bit like sleeping with the enemy, so it was very guarded.

Also, it's not until now I realize how many hang-ups my exwife had in bed. How many rigid rituals and little things I had to adjust to.

Sex now with this new woman is also all about reciprocity. We have sex at the same time. With my exwife it was very much "I do my thing first, then you'll do yours". It was either my pleasure or hers. And she would become angry in bed. Losing her temper because of this or that and then she couldn't finish.

I don't miss it at all. It was sex without love. Just half the fun.

My exBPDgf was a very selfish, inhibited lover. Sorry I cannot relate rofl

Initially BPD's tend not to come with too many hangups about sex (not at the start anyway). And that is their key to hooking us (and anyone for that matter). I would like to see someone who has had a BPD relationship where sex was a paced thing that took it's time, because generally it is not. They use it as a hook very early on.

With my exBPD, I had never come across anyone so uninhibited. It was hot and rough. But over time, that never changed. It became boring and mechanical to a point where it actually turned me off because there was no intimacy whatsoever about it. Hot and wild is fine sometimes, but intimate and gentle and loving is nice too. I got to the point where I had so much anxiety that I actually couldn't finish, and I've never had that with anyone. My body was telling me I couldn't relax around her.

It also ended up very one-sided and after I broke it off and learnt she had BPD, I realised that the activity had nothing to do with pleasure or enjoyment - it was all designed as a form of punishment / mind numb / disassociation for her. There were ocassions where I was actually worried I would hurt my exBPD during sex, and that is kind of sick in a way... .

BPD use it as a hook and will continue to, because it works for them. But a healthy relationship is not just based on sex. It dosn't matter how good it is when things like love, and respect, and kindness and intimacy are missing. That is no relationship at all. I will pass on the wild/hot sex anyday to avoid the rest of the awfulness that comes with it thanks.

For me, some feelings seemed to be involved when we had sex but that was illusion, lies! like everything else. After having sex, she used to say... ."I love you so much honey, I'm yours... ."... .probably in the heat of the moment. You cannot say that sincerely and lying, cheating the day after. This aspect of our relationship was not different than the other one, no link between speech and behaviour. Now (2 weeks NC and more than one month without having sex with her) I would'nt be able to have sex with her anymore because it's no longer possible for me to see that person as a good one, as an honnest and thrustful one. I'm a man, capable to make a clear difference between emotions and sex... .but not that much! too much negtive emotion are involved! I agree that sex with TRUE LOVE will be alot better than sex with LIES... .

Hi Tribalmart, I understand exactly how you are feeling. I am 3 months out of a 5 year encounter with my exBPDbf. This past year I attempted to build a friendship. BUT, due to his disorder, my codependency, and trauma bond with him, we ended up sleeping together. I was then contacted by his best friend John, who informed me that my ex has been living with a woman and lying and deceiving me for the entire past year.

I haven't been with anyone else in the past 5 years. I was loyal and faithful to him. Upon being told the truth by his best friend John about the other woman, along with so many hurtful lies and the horrid deception, I am now repulsed by my exBPDbf. My exBPDbf never told his best friend I was "the love of his life". He used me for sex out of convenience because I lived 1/2 mile away from him. He kept me and his BFF John apart for 5 years so we couldn't compare stories and unravel the truth.

Like you, the sex was amazing. Deep down I also have the same deep seated fear, that I will never experience sex like that again with a non. I also saw a photo of the OW. Sometimes I have the film real playing in my head. It's an awful and ugly nightmare to experience, so I do understand and feel for you.

However, I am slowly coming to the realization there were reasons the sex was so great... .because of the "intensity" and "addiction (aka, trauma bond)". He is definitely like a drug to me and I was addicted!

I haven't seen him since July and yes, I am having withdrawals from the sex as well. The thought of being with another man is difficult to imagine. I also know the sex was so great BECAUSE he's been with soo many women! According to his best friend John, my ex has been with hundreds of women. John thought he was just a sex addict and didn't know about BPD.

I know I want love, intimacy, trust, and connection in a relationship. All the things that were missing with my exBPDbf. So my mindset moving forward will be, when I find a normal guy, the intimacy and trust will be there, and so the sex will be even better! Like other posters said, it takes two and our BPD's weren't the only ones who were passionate and good in bed!

I also know when I previously broke it off with my ex in June 2014, I went a year without sex. So I can tell you it does get better with time. I know that's not the answer you're looking for, but, it's the reality of my situation. Like a drug addiction, it will take time to break the trauma bond & addiction and get it (her) out of your system!

I always have thoughts about me and exBPDBF sex lol! not gonna lie, it was the best, its not like we did anything 'wild' as everyones describes but i loved him thats why it was special to me, i even cry because i know its never gonna happen again, but to face the rejection after that he couldn't sleep with me and it didn't mean anything fuses my rejection issues and is just not a proper relationship.

The more that I disliked her as a person and the worse that she treated me, the hotter the sex was. It was like she had this narcissistic, magnetic attraction, and it turned me on so much. But--obviously--that's unhealthy! It doesn't make sense, and I'm ready to move on from this disordered view of what sex is for (addiction).

Mine slowly turned sex into a weapon, of sorts.  She would withhold and then she couldn't get enough of it.  The last time we did it, it was amazing.  In my head (and heart) I will always count that as my "goodbye" sex.  Of course, at the time, I didn't know the last time was going to be the last time.  It just turned out that way.

What was oddly weird was one of the last things she openly talked with me about was us in the bed and how great it was.  But, like all things with her, it was a fleeting moment.  I am still currently LC with her (working my way to NC) and even as recent as today she made a comment to me (in person, at work) which I found odd given we haven't talked it a few days to each other at all.  The one thing I am certain of though is that we are viewing the end of this relationship in two totally different perspectives.  I'm leaving and she thinks I'm just hanging out waiting for her to come around.  

Even though she is absolutely stunning (clothed or not), I comfortable saying I wouldn't sleep with her again.  Not only does that complicate matters, frankly I don't want to get wrapped up in the whirlwind that would follow.  But, her actually offering sex to me would be a total shock.  I'm sure she's giving that to whoever she's replaced me with (and I make no bones about the fact that I fully believe she has another fish on the line already).

I think the word you were looking for is passionate.  Mine with my pwBPD was like that.  It wasn't 'wild', it was full of passion and it was intense.  Even if it were just a quickie, it was still like the world stopped.  It's one of the things I will miss about her: the passion that happened during lovemaking.  But, alas, like all good dreams, they must end sometime.

As the saying goes, I am not sad because it ended.  I am happy that it happened.  I do believe, at some time, I did get to experience her.  The 'real' her, I mean.  She gave me a gift (whether she realizes it or not) and I will forever treasure that experience with her.  As angry or as upset as I get with her, I do love her.  I hope she finds that inner peace one day (I'm hoping she sticks with DBT - but I doubt it) that she deserves.  Unfortunately, she may realize what was lost (she may not care... .who knows really).  I guess only time will tell.

Wow man, you just took the words out of my mouth (for the most part).  I am happy we shared that time stopping passion, it was a transcending experience and I am glad I got to feel that deep of a connection at least once in my life, even if I am having a hard time seeing anything clearly through the pain of losing that connection right now,

I just miss the head lol. I been with a few women since and none come close to her level of skill.

I feel ya on this. totally. I am still having to live with mine until the end of the year and our living situation is a hot mess.

My BPD ex has been playing the push pull game, more push than pull up until recently... .none of her replacements have worked and she has done everything to throw each and every one of them up in my face. we have argued passionately since we have broken up... .things are always intense between the two of us... .we can never seem to just ignore one another.

My ex wants me in her life but doesn't. wants to move on but doesn't. wants me to move on but throws a severe tantrum every time I speak of doing so or attempt to do so... .stopped dating when I started dating again... .swears up and down she is over me but becomes affectionate towards me during these moments where she breaks down... .teary one minute, callous the next... .she has only made one meager attempt to come on to me since the break up... .however, in the past week, after three months of being broken up... .she propositioned me... .then "forgot" about doing it the next day and denied it last week. she got into bed with me Saturday night and tried to touch me... .I wasn't having it (though it took everything I had in me to not pull her over to me)... .she tried to get me in the hottub on Saturday night... .with candles and whatnot (just to get me relaxed so she says) and last night, she was being very sexually suggestive... .only to shut me down in the end when I got a little too close to her... .she is like a cat, you gotta let her come to you I guess. lol. but lately, you can cut the tension between the two of us with a chainsaw... .although she is doing everything she can to play games and be hot and cold... .faking going on dates and driving around for a few hours and coming home to try to pull me back in... its crazymaking at its finest... .or its just her stubbornness and inability to admit her residual feelings.


I am weakening up fast and if she were to pull something on me in the next week... .I would relent... .my ex and I cannot stay the heck away from eachother and things are always very passionate and intense, whether it is arguing, affection, intimacy, etc.

Maybe we are both addicted to one another. She cannot fix this relationship due to her refusal of therapy and I am making a mistake by sticking around... .I fear we will be in this vicious circle for the rest of our life because we cant let one another go... .unless she gets help its hopeless.

I think about her more than ever now and it is very hard to get our sexual history out of my head... .it is absolutely an addiction.

I am not going to lie... .its the part I miss the most... .but i knew if I had stayed with him it would have disappeared like in everyone else's relationship. I am petrified I will never find someone like him again... .in bed.

As in so many others' stories here, in the beginning, the sex with my ex was amazing.  I met him when I was 30 years old and I thought it was the best sex I'd ever had.  But a decade later, it deteriorated mostly because there's no way I could open up after years of raging and other crazy making behaviors so I shut down sexually.  And in the 2nd half of the relationship, sex for him was something he felt entitled to, even when we were separated.  I made the mistake of giving in and having sex once when we were separated and it left me feeling used and like a piece of meat.  And at the end of the separation just before I told him we were done, he got VERY sexually inappropriate going so far as to tell me he enjoyed masturbating with my underwear and at my daughter's birthday dinner when he got me alone for a few minutes, trying to take my panties off saying he wanted to do it again.   

I'm in a new relationship now, and I realize now why the sex seemed so amazing with my ex in the early years.  It was the mirroring.  What I thought was going on was an illusion.  He wasn't opening up to me the way I thought because I now know he simply could not.  How do you open yourself up when you don't know who you are? 

Wow. I'm two months out of my Bpd r/s and I tried to have rebound sex in the first three weeks and I couldn't perform. It was like my soldier was mad I left that crazy woman. I'm just now getting my libido back. The sex with my Bpd ex girl was amazing and whenever I wanted it. The problem was she wanted all the time and at the wrong times. We once went on a trip and had to share a hotel room with her kids in the next bed and she wanted to have sex. She got mad when I refused. It's like a drug.

Huh, I used to suffer side effects from my antidepressants and couldnt perform sometimes, which would make her very, very angry. She'd not talk to me for hours, or lock herself in her room, or would go stalk me on the internet to "find" a reason I couldnt.

When we were on the verge of breaking up, I ended up replaying in my mind the "i've met someone" she said and just couldnt do it.

She then came to me and asked if 'it' was still broken.

I'm asking myself why is it so common that BPD are hot in bed? Is there a link between mental illness and sensuality/sexuality? I still believe (and I must believe) that it's possible to find a great lover in a sane person. Are they really hot or we are just in the fog?

I think that I'm a sane man and I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. Logicaly there should be some sane women also comfortable and open minded about sexuality... .No? Why are we so afraid to never find again something similar in a sane partner?

Tell me who you love and I will tell you who you are... .I need to start a deep introspection about this quote!

I can think of three reasons:

- A LOT more sexual experience than the typical person (The more you do it, the better you get!)

- Strong desire to please during the "honeymoon" phase at the beginning of each r/s

- An "up for anything" attitude towards sex due to no personal boundaries, morals or sense of sexual identity

I agree the first and third arguments. |iiii

But, the intense desire to please during the honeymoon phase is also VERY common in a ''normal'' couple

I've felt in the minority here from the start but all three BPD's I've been with were rotten in bed. Not for a lack of porn star acting but that was the core of the problem. It felt like acting. It WAS acting! I felt like I was performing and that I HAD to keep up the performance. One of the best things after it ended was the knowledge that I would not have to have sex with that woman again.

Not til the last 6 months of our relationship did it finally seem she was actually "making love to me". Then we broke up... Weird how she got emotionally and physically closer to me and then left.

I have similar feelings. The sex wasn't super amazing but her body was everything I wanted in a woman. Her body type is very petite and she had a very young looking face. She looked mid 20s and she's 32. I still get aroused just thinking about her in that way even after a year a part.

She was willing to please me any time I wanted it. We even had sex the night before she jumped ship.

I too fear that I won't have that physical attraction to another woman because of it.

I'm also trying to forget her amazing physical attribute by telling to myself that this is not the only sensual and beautiful in the world. Her level of beauty will be diffiult to replace but her toxic behaviour no! Believe me, we are still addict, still affected by this "drug" but soon the withdrawal stage will be over... .then, we will realize that this break-up is not the end of our life! There's many SANE women that can give you real good sex! And you know what I prefer not being with a top model and being with someone true!

Yes, I say that it's like being an addict.  I find myself reminiscing about the good times.  I know now it was all fake, but the passion was intense.  I will miss seeing her nude (even though she hated being nude around me, I reveled in seeing her tanned skin and freckles).  She did this little lip bite that drove me insane and made me melt instantly.  She is absolutely stunning (a fact she knows and uses it as a weapon, sadly, even though she despises herself).  Sigh.

Completely not sexual in nature, the one thing I will miss is having her head in my lap and I stroking her hair.  She has a great head of hair that I will miss being able to feel.  I will also miss her smell.  It wasn't her perfume, perhaps it was her tanning lotion, I don't know.  There was just something comforting about it.  I dislike getting a whiff of it from time to time because it brings me right back to those great moments of intimacy I had with her.

It sucks.  Why did she have to have a disorder that is so unkind to her and the rest of the world?  She has so much to give, yet can't see it.

I too found the pull of the romantic intensity that is very much a common denominator of pwBPD. After many conversations with other fellow partners of such, I have developed my own theory that is still in progress. I believe that the intensity of emotions that is associated with BPD transcends both the "good" and sometimes "evil" parts of their personalities. Which is exactly what keeps us "Nons" stuck. The same intensity that can feel so evil, can also be channeled with the same intensity of their "good." Which can be extremely intoxicating. They can seem to be as intensely "good" as they can be "evil." Both are real. But the damage that it does to us is also real. It's nearly impossible to see clearly when we are "in" it. It takes some time apart to regain perspective and recognize the damage that has occurred within. And that damage can be devastating. Facing and tackling it is tough. But necessary. Whether staying or leaving... .having a good base off which to bounce such emotions is crucial.

It's basically intermittent reinforcement.  Sex, it seems, is a weaponized into a form of manipulation/control by a lot of BPDs.  I'm not saying they don't enjoy it when they have a connection to someone, but they will also sleep with someone to make that person think better of the person with BPD.  I can't say this is true about all BPDs, but with mine that was the case.  We had a candid conversation about her past lovers once.  A former lover of hers (she slept with him once several years ago) heard that I was seeing Jane, he felt the need to ask me about our sex life (I have known him longer than Jane, hence why he didn't mind asking).  I was pretty mum because a) Im usually private about such things and b) I knew she wouldn't like me 'comparing' notes on it.  Anyway, he proceeded to tell me about how she was a dead fish in the bed and not worth the time.  My experience with her was completely the opposite.  I did tell Jane about the conversation because it bothered me (this was during a moment of her being lucid, btw).  She admitted to me that she had slept with him even though she really didn't want to because she had felt pressured to do so.

It's one of the things that I am struggling with currently: the idea that someone else is getting the intensity, the passion, and (frankly) the love that I once was receiving.  The reality is, no matter how much I want to pretend she hasn't replaced me, she has.  I can't get back with her what I once had and really should I want to, knowing what I do know?  I'm kind of raw right now because I had to go by my office this morning and out of a compulsive need to 'know', I drove by her house and her car wasn't there (her house is on the way to my office).  This was super early, way to early for her to be up on a Saturday (I know for a fact she sleeps in late on Saturdays), so she didn't spend the night at home last night.  How I reached that conclusion was that we were supposed to meet last night but she went silent around 5PM (after sending me an odd response - which I think was meant for her new beau).  I sent her a message around 7PM asking if we were going to still meet, she never replied.  The message doesn't show as read, so my guess is she was with her new flame and didn't want the guilt of reading my text, so she either ignored it or deleted it immediately.  The end result is the same, she is being abusive and showing me she's in control/dominant by ignoring me (and by making plans then breaking them without a single word about it).

I'm sure if I were to confront her about it (which I won't) and if she came clean about replacing me, she would blame me for it (by saying I had grown distant or I said something that upset her or whatever else to justify it to herself).  I wasn't going to drive by, but I just had to satisfy the craving of knowing I was right and I had to know.  Since I am not going to get the closure I need from her face to face, I need to do what I need to do to bring it to myself.

I've tried not to ruminate on why it all fell apart or why I fell for her lies/deception again and again over the course of this year.  I do, however, believe there were times during this year that I was loved so greatly by her.  I will miss that.  I will miss who I know she wants to be (and gave me, albeit briefly).  I will miss the passionate lovemaking I experienced with her.  I think what hurts the most though is knowing that the future I had envisioned for us is no longer a possibility.  I had so many experiences I wanted to share with her and now thats just gone.  Grieving is a process; I guess I'll have to do like I did 4 years ago and 'pretend' that my Jane died and live with seeing her doppelgänger everyday.  It's going to be tough when it comes out that she's moved on and I have to hear about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off people/emotions like they do.  It would make this all so much easier.

Lonely

Your story resonates with mine. My issue however is that despite knowing my ex is suffering from a horrible illness, I just wanted to be there for her and help her. I feel that her "good" is more than her "bad". We have been LC x 2 months with, last time we texted was a brief back and forth text about missing each other 3 weeks ago then since NC. I am not sure she's replaced me but it's highly likely as she cannot be alone, she needs constant attention. My life without her is OK, pretty routine but I'd be lying if I say that I don't wish she is back in my life, and I wish I can help her through therapy. I feel that as a victim of pwBPD that I find any reason to try to convince myself to move on, whether remembering bad times or her rages etc... .I sometimes think I am fooling myself to dislike the girl I truly love/ed. I simply cannot stop loving or wanting that girl no matter how horrific she acted. That is the simple truth. I am still staying away, because I feel if I contact her she might release the monster and traumatize me, or maybe she will break down and cry about how she misses me... .I will never know, sadly. But it's the hardest thing I ever had to do... .is to trick myself that life is good without her. It's not the same, other dates aren't the same, and the holidays are going to be rough without her. 

I hope for you and me both that it won't be long before we don't have to trick ourselves anymore.

Am 14 months out, and yes, initially I did miss the hot sex, although upon reflection it was far more than that. Sex was the closest I ever felt to her. She was simply unable to be intimate. To her sex WAS intimacy.

Now, I focus far more on the negative elements of the relationship, and there were too many of those.

The bottom line is I would prefer someone I can enjoy my time with, even without a gold in bedroom olympics. Someone who I capable and willing to shine back depth and retrospection.

Anyway, is great sex THAT important in a relationship?

I don't think sex is that important in a relationship.  The sex constitutes such a small portion of the relationship how could it be all that important?   The more important aspects are the friendship and the day to day interactions.  These are what drive the relationship IMO and are ultimately the truest indication of relationship health.

I know exactly how you feel.  I know for a fact she has a rebound and was speaking to him on Tinder before we even split up and met up with him for a drink 3 days after we broke up.  She was sleeping with him only 2 weeks later.  It eats away that I used to have everything he now has and will have (before it inevitabley goes wrong).  She is saying all the things and doing the things she did with me during idealisation to hook him in.  But THAT'S what I'm trying to focus on.  IT WILL go wrong.  It might last a bit longer or shorter but in the end it will implode like all her previous relationships. Without some serious hard work she will not change.  For me it's this self doubt that I just wasn't the one for her, that I wasn't able to 'tame' her and that this new guy will, but I'm starting to realise it's not like that by any stretch of the imagination.

If you read my other posts you will see I stay over the corridor from my uBPDxgf.  On Saturday there I was acutely aware she wasn't working and knew she'd with the guy.  I'd been doing pretty well that evening.  I had the PS4 on, some music in the background and a beer.  But then I heard her door going and I couldn't resist going to the spyhole in my door.  That's when I saw her flatmate taking her puppy out for a walk (which is usually always my ex) and at that point I knew she was more than likely with the rebound and I started freaking out about what they were doing at that moment.

I've got to say though, driving back from work this afternoon, some of the FOG magically shifted and I didn't feel so bad.  It was weird, nothing really propmpted it, it just sort of happened.  I came to the realisation that she really did have an illness and that I wasn't going to be the last guy to be messed around by her and it took the sting out of feeling like I'd lost 'the one',  I started seeing her for this messed up little girl in emotional turmoil.  It didn't matter how sexy, beautiful or confident she had been at times.  I started remembering the (many) times she let the mask drop and she was depressed, scared and insecure.

WuTanger100,

I've read your story and I think you deserve sincere congratulation. Living so close to your ex is a daily challenge and I can figure what it is?

You are so right when you wrote... ."when she let the mask drop". We must never forget that negative stuff and all the consequnces on our well being. Sex is very important for a sane r/s but that's not all! It's not supposed to become a kind of weapon that they use as they wish. Living hell 90% of the time to have "great" sex... .no way. And now I realise that this "great" sex was only illusion. Yes, they are human so they do enjoy it in the heat of the moment... .but they switch so fast between different mood. They can say "I love you, you are my soulmate, the man of my dreams" and ten minutes later texting a potential rebound. So is "great" sex with BPD worth it? My speech is gonna rude but sex with them is almost like paying for sexual service... .it's not more sincere or really "true"... .Maybe it's my opinion because I've been hurt and cheated many times but it's the way I feel now... .So NO WAY!

My ex was very hypersexual. She wanted it all the time and had lots of sexy underwear etc. I'm a guy and I love sex as much as the next guy (no pun intended!). At first it was frenetic and I was enticed. But now looking back on it, it became stale. I lost the excitement after a while AND EVEN on a few occasions didn't want it. She became robotic. The appetite didn't drop but it just became the same identical steps. The other thing I noticed is she ended up turning into a selfish lover. Without going into too many details I was happy to do something for her but when it came to reciprocating I can count on maybe 2 hands how often she did.

Absolutely. One of the fundamentals.

Omg sexy underwear, lingerie... .i am kind of addict to that and its one of the thing i am really afraid of never find again. I need to convice myself that I could find satisfaction in a sane relationship... .but i did alot of progress because im not the slave anymore... .she cannot do or ask anything just for sex... .this time is over!

That's sort of how I feel.  She didn't come to work today because she "had a family emergency".  My guess is that she either a) didn't want to come in because I was at the office today or b) she stayed off because my replacement/rebound/whatever was off work and she wanted to spend the day with him.  I have a suspicion as to who she may be seeing and I guess I could form a hypothesis and test to see if it's him or not, but frankly I'm not going to waste my energy.

On the topic of sexual thoughts, she always talked about how she loved to dress up in lingerie or other sexy clothing.  But, you know what?  Not once did she ever do it.  We always talked about it, but she never produced a single thing (other than a few sexy pairs of boy shorts or something like that, but man could she rock those shorts out!) that backed up her claim.  Even when sex was over, instead of laying there together and enjoying the afterglow she would hop up and put clothes on as fast as she could.  She said it was because she hated how she looked naked (I fully believe that, even though I reveled in it).  And just like yours, she always talked about how she enjoyed giving oral sex, but it wasn't that often that she did it.

With that being said, sex with her was full of passion there is no doubt.  I would be remiss if I didn't say that there was.  But, even with her talking about how much she "had to have" it in a r/s (3-4x week, minimum), I never did sleep with her that much.  Maybe twice a week and sometimes just once a week (and there were weeks that went by that I didn't sleep with her at all but that was due to situations more than desire, I think anyway).  She also would never talk about sex (whether in person or via text.  i.e., having playful banter to warm things up for the evening if we were planning a sexy time kind of night).  I'm actually beginning to wonder how she saw sex with me as a whole.  While she enjoyed the tease of sex, she rarely backed up her teasing if that makes sense (lingerie wearing, etc).

Still, that doesnt make life any easier for me in the moment, even knowing that it will come crumbling down for the new guy.  I want that back.  I want that experience just one more time and one more time after that and so on.  It's hard to break away from that connection and realize that it won't happen again.  It became a source of anxiety for me, but honestly I didn't care.  I wanted just one more go before it fell apart.  I know that's a crummy way to say it, but I didn't want that one more memory, anxiety or not.

Mine was very hot in bed, never refuse, open-minded, sexy lingerie & underwear, great body... .that's why it is so difficult to move on... .that aspect is my biggest challenge, I must overcome that anxiety (fear of not find it again).

There's a part of me that says:

- This is not the only beautiful girl on this planet to love and give sex

- This is not the only feminine woman to wear sexy underwear

- Sex is important but I have to find a sane woman first.

I just can't understand myself... .

-I'm a good looking guy, good job, great car, good social skills, great apartment, good family, good friends, my daughter is lovely

-Otherwise, I feel old (I'm 38 my ex is 29)

-I'm a single dad who doesnt want anymore kid, that's gonna be hard to find another great young woman!

-I'm in good health but I'm suffering of chronic daily headaches that put limitation to some aspect in my life (special diet and alcohol intake). This condition is under control with preventive medication, but I know some women will be "afraid" of it

I know I have a big problem with my self-esteem... .even before dating my exBPDgf I had the same problem. Since we broke up it's even worse... .the wound is re-opened and deeper! Losing my exBPDgf is not the end of my life... .it supposed to be the start of a new life, with so many opportunities, the chance to built a sane r/s! But with my actual mindset and all these negative tought I will never be able to move on!

I recognize all the talk about enjoying sex, wanting to do this and that... .which never seemed to happen! Now when I more about BPD this makes sense. Once she was aroused or "in the mood" my ex wife would make various statements that were probably true. Then.

But once she was not feeling the same way (not aroused), none of the things she said would make sense and she pretended like she had never said them in the first place.

Normally, things people say in the heat of the moment has some truth to them and have some sort of longevity. To me it seems this is not true for pwBPD. A few hours later - a whole new mindset.

My ex wife would talk about how often she wanted sex and she talked about things I could do to get her fired up. Then she didn't want sex for weeks and none of the things she had mentioned worked to get her fired up. She just seemed insulted when I made a "move" on her.

One my really big mistakes was believing in what my exwife said. This led to so much disappointment and so many misunderstandings. Towards the end of our relationship I stopped taking her statements and promises seriously and they didn't work to "get me going" like they used to. This made my wife resentful and bitter. She was used to throw me bones every now and then to keep me happy.

My exgf was great in bed, she made me feel I was great too, hah. Yeah, I'm afraid to never find someone else with whom I'd share the same intimacy and intensity, the same fantasies I shared with her.

She found out what my fantasy was, once. At first she hated it, said I made her sick, then she got aroused by it, then she felt disgusted. One day, after a couple of weeks in bad terms, SHE said she wanted to meet and try "that thing". Okay.

We both liked it, no problem with that. Except for her. She now uses it to attack me whenever I try to contact her, she says I disgust her because of it. Will she ever say to me that she also wanted and liked it too? Hell, no.

Hello, I'm now 3 1/2 months out of a 9 1/2 year relationship with my exBPDgf. There is not a day that goes by that i still don't think about her still. I'm trying to move on and get my life back together again to... .But I can say the sex was great from day one on. It only took me a few dates to get her into my bed. Once she was there the next few months was non stop everyday. She hated and after our 1st time together  refused to use condoms. So i was free to "let it go" anywhere with the exception of not getting her pregnant. There was no boundaries and the rougher it got got the more it turned her on. After the first 6 months or so she started to slow down and want more of a commitment from me. Once she got that, she basically just used sex as a tool and a way to keep me in line. We broke up many times only to get back together and as soon as we would get back together the sex was again intense and insane for a few months... .then wash and repeat again. This went on for years... .Sex was'nt fun anymore it started to feel like a game and it was very cold and empty. Sure we got off and then it was ok, lets go watch tv or... .grab some food. Of all the problems we had in the relationship, when we were in the "high point" sex was where her and i never really had a problem.

Now that she is gone and moved onto a new guy. I do think of all the wild times and great sex i'm missing out on and he now gets. But then i sit back and think, after this "sex phase" is over for her and the disorder kicks in then it will only be a matter of time before another person is crushed under her and this disorder. It's really a shame i thought she was my soulmate and i found that one true love.  I found out that i miss the sex, i miss what i thought was love, I miss the companionship. My biggest fear is that i will never totally get over her and that i will never find another person to fill me up with the same love, passion and thrill of life that she did.

They say time will heal all wounds. Right now i'm broken. I'm a shell of the person i used to be. But every day i try to piece myself back together and pray that i can get all these fears and thoughts out of my head.  BPD  people can be intoxicating and i had been drunk on my exBPDgf for almost a decade. I have a long road ahead of me still. I wish you luck. These message boards are very helpful and honest.

I think you're absolutely correct in that in the "heat of the moment" they meant what they were saying and then "forgot" about it afterward.  Mine, in the beginning, was all about sexy teasing (photos of her in lingerie - sexy panties, I never once saw anything else she claimed to have -, sexy bantering, etc).  After a few months, that dried up.  She was almost embarrassed that she had sent me those types of photos.  It was like she "forgot" she ever did it. 

Sex was one of the highlights that we experienced, to be honest.  We could fight about everything else, but the sex worked.  It's been a few weeks since I last slept with her and I go in and out about what I would do if she suddenly offered it to me again (would I?  Wouldn't I?).  I almost have that "I would" answer, simply to experience it just one more time.  But I also know that would lead to me wanting it one more time and one more time after that, keeping me in the toxicity.  I'd like to stand here and tell you all I would be strong enough to deny her, but I can't say that.  I don't know what I would do if she called me suddenly and wanted to do it.  I feel like I'd tell her to hurry up and come over, even knowing I'm making a deal with the devil in the process.

Wow, I'm amazed there's another situation like mine!  The sex with my BPD girlfriend is so amazing, best I ever had in my life.  She has multiple orgasms, sometimes up to 10 times and mostly at least 3 times and this makes me want to please her even more.  I'm 56 and never had sex like this and know it can never be like this with anyone else.  I think our sexual connection is why I find it so difficult to let her go.  I put up with so much verbal abuse, extreme jealousy and false accusations, being lied to and all her other issues but the the sex sure makes it hard to give her up as its such a strong emotional connection. I was wondering if its common for sex with a BPD partner to be so special?  Maybe its because they wear there emotions on their sleeves and also the non-BPD partner has such a strong emotional bond to the BPD.  Let's hear from others!

The short answer is, yes we have such a bond (even though it is false, but not to us) that it makes sex not just sex but true lovemaking.  That adds passion and intensity.  I'm not saying that BPDs don't enjoy it themselves, but we are looking at it through two different perspectives (generically speaking).  We do it out of love and a willingness to be vulnerable to our partner.  They see it as form of control and needing to be needed.  Once again, that is a generic 'textbook' response as BPDs are individuals too and not all view sex the same way.

Would I say that my BPD partner is the best sex I have ever had?  It's hard to say.  I can think about something that I found to be great will all the partners I've slept with.  I think what makes her the most passionate that I've slept with is she seemed so perfect to me.  I sort of equate it to having a sexual dream.  Because, in it's own way, that's what it was.  It may have been 'real' to her (and me), but it wasn't healthy (sure, in that moment it probably was, but the price of admission wasn't worth it).

Now, I can easily say that she has been the most attractive of my partners (just being blunt).  Unfortunately, she hates her self image so I could never fully enjoy that (and she seemed to be turned off by me telling her how much I liked her physical attributes - regardless of how big or small).  Literally I could not find a part of her I didn't like, physically speaking.  Even if I had, I wouldn't have told her because of her self image issues (not that she has anything to worry about, but she never saw it that way and probably never will).  But, she 'knows' how attractive she is because she uses it as a weapon.  That's the issue with most BPDs, they weaponize everything that makes a r/s a r/s.  Then they turn it on you.

But, to stay on topic, I still often find myself fantasizing about her sexually.  That is until I start thinking about things outside of that, then my entire mood changes.