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My H. Informed me of some interesting history today. Did you know that men invented bobbing for apples? They like it when women Bob for apples because when they lift their face out of the water, water dribbles down the front of the shirt, and men look at women's chest? I had absolutely no idea of the alterior motive when I was a kid! I had no idea that the host of Friday's Halloween party wanted to look at women that way (even if it's a game for the kids and not the adults)! And that my friends is why we should not go to the party!

Oh and the fact that this family friendly event is going to turn into worshipping Satan naked under the moon

Validating his concerns was the hardest thing I had to do today because I honestly just wanted to tell him that was the stupidest crap I've ever heard. But instead I calmly said "I never thought of it that way. If they start to do anything like that or that makes you uncomfortable then we can leave."

What about me? What about what I want? I want to dress up in a silly costume and hang out with our friends but instead I'm worried I'm going to be stuck sitting next to Mr. Killjoy all night and then get accused of wanting to sleep with all our friends. I'm half tempted to just cancel but I'm tired of canceling plans because he doesn't want to go.

Chili,

Thanks for the education on bobbing for apples, hahahaha.   

I would encourage you to go to the party if you want to go, whether your husband goes or not.  You staying home will not cure his BPD, and if you stay home, he will likely invent something to dysregulate about anyway.  So my vote is that you go and have fun.  (That's what I'm doing tonight - heading out to enjoy some live music with my [all male] friends, regardless of what drama my uBPDw decides to create over it. *) )

Appeasement sets precedents that are hard to break. Go even if only to avoid the bigger picture of not setting a precedent for compliance with his whims and prejudices.

You have life choices, make sure you uphold them, its much easier than trying to get them back once you have given them away for short term peace.

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Words matter... .

Saying that "we" can leave if she is uncomfortable hands her power over your actions.

Plan ahead... .make sure you know how you will get home if your partner leaves.  If your partner wants to leave... .be supportive... .nothing negative about them leaving... .nothing negative about you staying.

Note:  I am now ruined... .next time bobbing for apples comes up... .I'm going to have this stupid grin on my face while I'm staring... .   

FF

Thankfully I"m the driver. He doesn't carry keys when I drive us somewhere.


Ha Ha That's funny

You know about projections- that what they assume others are doing can say something about them.

Your hubby may just have enjoyed Halloween bobbing for apples  when he was an adolescent 

But so what, go and enjoy the party. He might too.  lol

Go to the party.

I have absented myself from parties in the past when my husb acted up, only to resent him later and regret not socializing. I've done it so much, we are seldom invited anywhere anymore.  Go and have a good time!

Maybe I'll see you at the apple-bobbing party at FF's house? 

Thank you for this post chili bean, it helped me to understand that sometimes pwBPD say very irrational things. I've not taken note of any my pwBPD has said since this joining this board and next time he says something that I think is off I will be sure to post about it.

I'm sorry you have to go through that.   That sounds really rough. It sounds like a form of mental abuse, kind of like terrorizing.

Perhaps your husband is projecting because he spends all his free time watching apple-bobbing porn on the internet. Does he have a secret room in the basement, perhaps, with a big tub and bags of illicit Honeycrisps and Granny Smiths?

Seriously, I know what it's like to be confronted with BPD illogic and fantasy. Some of them are just so ludicrous you have to laugh. My wife is furious with the ice cream truck, because she's convinced that if my daughter runs out to buy ice cream, she's demonstrating addictive behavior that will lead to a lifetime of abusing drugs. Really. I just have to nod and say "huh" or she'll go off on me for not recognizing that a bomb pop today = meth and heroin tomorrow.

Is there a lesson on dealing with BPD illogic and fantasy? I feel like I've been dealing with a lot of that lately .

The lack of logic and fantasy are just ways of rearranging reality to demonstrate what they are feeling.

Just as we make up analogies to illustrate a point, they make a false reality up to make a point. Look for the message behind the false reality