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Now she is calling me in tears begging me to 'save her' again. But Ive gone through this all before, she is wanting her needs met WHILE neglecting my career, needs, and life.

She wants me to send her MORE money, but the amounts she needs will ruin me, and i already had sent her the budget for the month and more, to settle other interest on debt on money she borrowed and recklessly spent.

I know she is going through so much, but since three years ago NOTHING has changed, she is still in debt despite my best efforts to support her, help her plan financially, and manage her spending.

She is breaking down again, but if i get emotionally attached to the situation I will only end up worse off. In no capacity has she been able to add value to my life in any way whatsoever, and Ive been miserable dealing with her problems while neglecting my own happiness.

Can i please be given permission to ABANDON her, to WITHDRAW, to NOT CARE this time, and actually use my energy, money and time for myself, to meet my needs this time?

She is crying, hurt, and angry at me, BLAMING me for everything. But for so long helping the one I loved meant giving up on my life... .

I dread the sound of my cellphone ringing, i know its her its past 2:49am here

You have permission. We all have one life and we deserve to live it.

It's funny, I was just thinking about my ex and singing the tool song "parasite."

It's such a shame, BPD is like a black hole, it sucks up all of our light and leaves us completely burned out, flickering embers.

Yet, we cannot pin all the blame on our BPD exs. No ofcourse not. (Not imply that you were suggesting this) That would be irresponsible. I am not a victim, I am a volunteer. I willingly submitted my resources to my ex. And I was left depleted.

It's interesting you should mention this notion of getting permission. I remember in therapy that topic came up for me, my t said it was as if I was asking the universe for permission to be a certain way. But the truth was/is the universe is entirely indifferent to what I choose.

It was then that I began to realize that the only person I need get permission from to be as I want to be is myself. To the extent that I relinquish this choice, I relinquish my freedom.

We are free, there is no objective criteria to measure the merit of our choices against. It's up to us to decide how to live.

This failed Bpd relationship has helped me Soo much. How? Because it should me how easy it is for me to put myself in a submissive position. It's as if all of my worst traits, my co dependency, lack of self assertion, etc. we're amplified in my rs. Whereas before they just sort of blended in with the back ground noise. They are quite hard to ignore, however, when they are blaring in your ears.

Now I see what happens to myself when I don't check my neurotic tendencies. Yes, I potentially wind up in extremely dysfunctional relationships.

Now that I am so acutley aware of my tendencies, I have a choice to make. Will I succumb to the same habbits of passivity and compliance, or will I stand up for myself?

I'll surely choose the latter. But now with a deep conviction that I am absolutely entitled to being taken care of... .BY MYSELF. I have to look out for my best interest. Not in a cut throat narcissistic sort of way. But in a compassionate way.

I have to ask myself permission for stuff too. I have to be like, okay dude what do you need right now? Then I'll figure it out, and do it. I'll give my self permission to live in accordance with my best interest

You have permission. you are free, and you are responsible for your freedom.

And I'd like to add. I know the rescue me shpeel. My ex did the same thing to me. "I need your love" she said.

Why should I? She was never able to love me in any sort of adult functional fashion. So why bother?

No, I had to walk away completely.

I have a 34 uBPD daughter. Even I (her mom) had to go NC. This means I don't get to talk to my grandkids. It is as they say in an airplane. "Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others"

You don't have a permission to abandon her. You have a strong recommendation to save yourself. Choose wisely.

Thank you for your responses, the last 12 hours have been really difficult.

For all the theory on BPD and Narcissism Ive read, to WITHDRAW, go NO CONTACT and be completely SELFISH now, it makes me look like a hypocrite.

But i want to lead a happy, fulfilling life and I have so much to give, i just don't want to waste myself on someone not willing to love me back

I get that feeling of hypocrisy. I remember how committed I was to loving my ex unconditionally. I would proclaim it to her, like practically proclaim my undying devotion, you know. I would fanaticize about myself as a hero. I'm gonna save this chick, I had convinced myself.

I realize now, though, that that mentality was really dysfunctional. It goes by many names, a messiah complex, white knight syndrome, the moving-towards neurotic solution.

Actually, there's a really great book on the topic called the white knight syndrome: saving yourself from your need to save others, which I discovered in the book reviews section of this site. It discusses the different types of white knights and there origins in family dynamics. They also discuss how a balanced rescuer functions, which is the most healthy orientation. You may find it super helpful, I know I did.

One last thing. Check this song out.


   

"I don't want to be here anymore"

« on: Today at 01:12:03 PM »

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I want to share these words with everyone. I believe they capture the essence of our situations beautifully.

Here is a link to the song with lyrics.


www.youtu.be/FqQsZ8g8KHQ



On pins and needles we are waiting for the fall

We count the days scratching lines on the wall

Wait in the wings at someone’s beck and call

No longer recognize the place that I call home

No longer recognize this face as my own

Somewhere, this fate, I lost control

We backed down

We took no for answers far too long

We felt those walls close around

I don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t want to be here anymore (be here anymore)

I know there’s nothing left worth staying for

Your paradise is something I’ve endured

See I don’t think I can fight this anymore (fight this anymore)

I’m listening with one foot out the door

And something has to die to be reborn

I don’t want to be here anymore

On hand and foot we answered every single call

And weathered every day like passing storms

But when they break, we will all be gone

Won’t back down

Won’t take no for answers anymore

These walls close, we pace back and forth

I don’t want to be here anymore (be here anymore)

I know there’s nothing left worth staying for

Your paradise is something I’ve endured

See I don’t think I can fight this anymore (fight this anymore)

I’m listening with one foot out the door

But something has to die to be reborn

I don’t want to be here anymore

The point where we break gets closer everyday

But where do we go?

But where do we go?

I don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t want to be here anymore (be here anymore)

I know there’s nothing left worth staying for

Your paradise is something I’ve endured

See I don’t think I can fight this anymore (fight this anymore)

I’m listening with one foot out the door

But something has to die to be reborn

I don’t want to be here anymore

(We need a better way)

(We need to let go)

[x2]Anymore

(We need a better way)

(We need to let go)

(We need a better way)

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