BPDFamily.com

When I was exercising my boundaries tonight after I left the house when my wife was raging, I went to the Barnes and noble again to read some books. Decided to buy the walking on eggshells book, it is amazing. I'm about 70 pages in already. I recommend it to everyone here. I know this is not the book section , but I didn't look at the book section for awhile and that section can be overwhelming. Where to start right? Well coming from an average joe like you, it is a good place to start.

I came back home. Wife seems calm and stuff. Hopefully I set a tone that she will respect, at least long enough for me to get some sleep!

Walbsy

I am a month NC with my exBPD. I see you are married to one, I want to say all power to you. My ex crushed me, and after reading that book, I still could not get a grip on her because it seems that these patients constantly CHANGE, their standards change and they keep searching for the next drama. So if you're not a dramatic being, it becomes boring. I wish that book worked for me, I would've stayed with her. That book does an Excellent job at defining the illness and giving sinarios on how to cope, but it doesn't consider the unlimited issues which can trigger their rages. It was like I had to learn how to avoid and/or resolve and/or block rage attacks but I couldn't lie to myself, they still hurt weeks later.

QUestion: How long into your marriage did you realize you were done? Was you wife constantly threatening Divorce? Was she violent at times?

"search for the next drama" is how I explain it. I have also noticed when she is raging towards me, it will change if another drama situation occurs with a friend, coworker, family, etc. Did you notice this?

Flexion,

I think the idea of "done" is variable. Each relationship is different. Also BPD presents on a spectrum with some people being more severely effected than others.

We have several choices when we are at a point of feeling fed up with the current dynamics in the relationship. One is, as you suggested, to be done. Another, is to evaluate our role in the relationship and focus on improving ourselves and the relationship.

Our most intimate relationships and relationship patterns reveal a lot about us. While we can place the focus on the pwBPD and their behavior, we have little control over that, even though it seems that we are looking and trying to find, do, or say, just the right thing to fix it. It isn't ours to fix. But we are the other half of that dynamic.

A difficult partner may result in us walking on eggshells, but it is our decision to walk on them, and our task to stop if we don't like it. Now, granted, it isn't easy to face rages, dysregulations, suicide threats, divorce threats. If children are at home, risking rages is hard. I don't think we do this all at once, but if WOE got us there one step at a time in the first place, is it possible to back step too?

The answer to that is individual.

We have choices. We could choose to "done" and walk away, but unless we consider our part in the relationship, it is possible that we can repeat those patterns with someone else. However, another choice is to be "done" with our part in this- work on ourselves to make changes that can possibly improve all our relationships. We can't predict the result of that- as people do vary. Some posters here have successfully made positive changes, some have not. However, the posters who have chosen to stay feel their relationship is worth working on. I felt that way, but moreso, I felt "I" was worth working on. I wasn't "done" with another person, I was "done" with the dysfunctional relationship style I learned as a child, and wanted to change that.

The simple fact knowing that you cannot change somebody elses behaviour and feelings, especially not with a BPD,

but you can adjust the way you cope with them and work on yourself, is enough to start on a journey out of victimhood.

Its not an easy process, and when you have been in a BPD relationship long enough, you probably have been accused of being selfish so many times, that you dont even consider the idea of working on yourself foremost.

And i choose not to call it "done", as i love my wife still very much, she is in therapy and I know she didnt choose to be this way herself. And because i believe that while i am working out my own issues, and becoming stronger, there is still hope things may improve for the better.

Ofcourse there could come a time when you have to say its "done", everybody has his/her breaking point. But you never really know what that is until you reach it... .

Just wanted to second everything you said as well as say that I think its also dependent on where your partner places on the spectrum as "notwendy" put it. My wife certainly is not effected by BPD to the huge extent that some are that are written about on here.

It also helps me to remember that what ever trauma I may experience, my wife likely feels far more given the effect on her emotions. I'm not sure if its good or bad, but every time I think I have reached my limit, I seem to find the strength to pass it. I'm not sure where my limit is anymore, but I love her so will keep going till I cant.

I use a site called paperbackswap for books. I put it on my wish list and I'm hoping that someone on the site posts it soon.

Bottom line: If we didn't love our spouses, we wouldn't be here. I do feel I can work on myself. But, that is hard when you are bombarded every other day. I walk on egg shells constantly, but she will start b___ing about the small things until she is worked up enough to tear into me. lol.

Thanks for the input. this board is a game changer... .for real!

Is the book called stop walking on eggshells? If so I was just about to buy and read this book today

Yep that's the one. Real good. It will also make you a better person by understanding others even without BPD

Thanks I've have been reading it and it's a pretty good read!

I am glad it has helped. It is a good read, it sets the foundation for healing well I think.