BPDFamily.com

It's real late, just stopped smoking.  Can't afford to.  Been away from BPD ex 4 :check months :check:s, ST.   I lost a 499k everything I worked for my whole life on that relationship...   Have 40 k and debt, and an investment property which should pay off my debt.  If it sells.  I have no job, and probably will be starting a 10 an hour job,  funny how running own investment company does not get you to many job opportunitys,, Any way.  I met an amazing girl, one who's a pharmacist, she buy me groceries, cooks, love spending time, and tells me I am the one.  Some time it feels perfect and a life with her seems perfect.  We had a conversation, and I criticized her work behavior.  She snapped and said, your taking her side.  I wonder if this new partner could be BPD,  she cheated on her ex with me and then we started a relationship.  She seems to into me and adores me, wants to marry me.  I could very well be hurt from my ex, and taking my fear out on the new relationship.  Are these red flags.  She seemed to get over, detach from her ex so easily,  she has good friend I met , who know her for 6 or more years.  Well any feedback is so so welcomed.

Whether she is BPD or not the fact that she cheated on her ex with you should be a warning. If someone is not mature enough to either stick with a relationship or end it if they are not happy then it doesn't look good for any future partner they may have.

I know there are many different circumstances that can lead to cheating but I personally wouldn't want to date someone who cheated on their partner with me as they may do the same to me.

Thank you.  Your response was very welcome.  Lots of posters talk about thier relationship as being perfect in the begining.  So that scares me more.  About the cheaying.  I was more so upset with myself for crossing that line, i never in my life crossed that line, but did it so i told myself, just to ge over te ex.  I still sleep with someone girlfriend at the time.  She did literally brebr leave him, a. Week later,  we did have a conversation about how I felt bad for what we did, but she said she wanted to leave sooner, but didn't want to be alone.  We discussed our last arguement and only one so far,  she later said it felt I wwas attacking her, and didn't see how my comments were more about being professional,  she wants a promotion.  It's odd on paper a life with her would be good and it feels that way, she has been so supportive to while I go through this hard time in my life,  its odd being at my lowest positionn and this woman wants to support me, yet at my best my ex destroyed me.  Ish,  I just can't tell if I should be grateful or concerned.

Shifting gears a little... .

When we have surveyed members mental state prior to getting into problem relationships, many were in a vulnerable, "still hurting from a prior relationship" mode. In a sense, we have to be careful about trusting our instincts when in this state.  Wanted to share this idea - not suggesting you exit the relationship - but wanting to impart some self-awareness to help you as you work through this.

From an article on the site:

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

The biggest question I have is why are you posting on the Leaving Board right now?

My ex was diagnosed BPD,  the behaviors were negative and obviously apparent from the get go, no idealization at all like I read about from others,  though my current partner do have to deal with the infidelity we committed while she was in a relationship.  I just know I can't deal with BPD of any kind in my life again.  Since I never experience an idealization in my previous or any relationship, I wanted feed back from others if they thought mybe she could be a high functioning BPD.  Being human and making mistakes I can deal with.  We all have needs were trying to meet.  I'm okay if my partner was doing just that, because that's what I am doing.  If thier is a chance she's doing it because of a mental illness then,  I'd like to run.  Any feed back is welcomed.

Posted on leaving board because if she does have BPD, I want to leave.

Triangulation is common for people with NPD and BPD traits when they are about to discard their partner.

I was in your gf exes shoes. It made the discard million times worse.

Focus, so you do think my new partner is BPD,  ok,  thank you for the input, It's very helpful.

Overlapping relationships when one is phasing out is a sign of of a lot of things (codependency, insecure attachment styles) and this may be related to a personality disorder or may not. Regardless, not a good thing... .but is it a fatal flaw in and of itself?

PS: Triangulation may not the best term for this (but the point is certainly valid):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.msg1200251#msg1200251


You're going to get a "Leave" message here.  You may want to try the Undecided Board.

I don't think I would pursue, BPD or not BPD as a question. Its hard to answer. And even a person without BPD can be a bad match for you. 

I'd focus on what troubles you.  Can you list all of that?

everything seems very good, it scary leaving a relationship that you put everything into and now in a new one that seems to be going a little to well.  Thank you everyone for your time and responses. 

Having been through a bad relationship, do you think it might help to learn some of the tools being taught on Staying?  The tools are good for all relationships.

AsGood,

apart from the good advices other members gave you, I'd add that the past is usually a very good predictor for future behaviours. Perhaps you'll want to "analyze" a bit more this woman, watch closely her behaviours and what she says; also, ask her more about her past relationships and why she did whatever "strange" actions/behaviours. It's better if you keep a good amount of emotional distance at the moment, there's no need to hurry!

Then, given all the knowledge and the experience you have accumulated in the past, you can decide rationally if this can be an healthy relationship or not.

Anyway, I'd say that given she cheated on her previous partner (with you) and she is love-bombing you ("you're the one, etc.", these are not good signs... .I mean, she may not be BPD at all, but there are red flags to watch out very closely!

Moreover, you're still healing, both psychologically and financially, so be VERY careful!

So, after talking with her this evening she stopping by with groceries and will be cooking dinner,  we talked about things somewhat, meaning my concerns and what  seemed like red flags.  She listen and validated my feelings, or really good mirroring,  .  It's odd her behavior does seem caring.  Even the last time she came by she cleaned.  Her parent's didn't seem to like her last boy friend.  That's all the info I have to add.  Hmmm,  my last though is this isn't BPD idealization.  Unless anyone can share similar experience with thier BPDs when things weregood.