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I read a lot about core wounds and FOO issues and how I have to face them and address them in order to heal them, because almost certainly they were what caused me to stay in the relationship with ex for so long, despite all the horrors.

I understand all that in theory, and of course want to do the work because I feel that some good has to come out of this, but I have some questions that I'd appreciate some help with please.

(I feel like I'm quite needy on these boards at the moment, I very much appreciate the support im getting, thank you)

1- I can't actually think of any core wounds from my FOO.My family were kind, my parents loved each other and us, did the best by us, and always made me feel like I could conquer the world if I tried. We had no money, and as adults both my siblings ended up being abusers (None of us has anything to do with any one else since my mum died 20 years ago, but that was all as adults) but as kids, I really cannot think of any of the types of things folk write about on here.

2- is it possible that core wounds start in adulthood? I can think of several places where things started to go awry for me as a young adult, mainly, but not entirely, linked to my mum dying. Also to do with doing really well at everything all my childhood /young adulthood and then not being equipped to cope when things became hard for me.

3- how exactly does one face these wounds and heal them? Therapy is out of the question for me at the moment unfortunately, for several reasons. I may be able to go in about a years time but I need to sort this stuff out now.

Thank you for any suggestions and thoughts.

Mel

Hi Mel,

My suggestion is that you don't look for core wounds because they will find you when you are ready to deal with them. Simply start by writing about the things that have happened to you as an adult that you know about, like your mother dying. They are significant wounds. As you write, be mindful of the feelings that come up. When you find you start to feel something, find a way of expressing that emotion actively with your body. It's trial and error but I have tried the following:

• If I am frightened or feeling little, I wrap myself in a blanket, hug a pillow or my teddy bear, drink hot milk from a baby's bottle (Yes really, it was so soothing).



• If I am angry, I punch pillows, crush cans with my feet, do an anger dance to music.



• If I am sad, I allow myself to cry or talk to a friend.



• If I find that there is something I really want to say to someone, I might talk to a photograph of that person (and allow them to talk back to me too) or write a letter that I will never post. I try to express my emotions as fully as I can.

My experience of therapy is that I have worked backwards. The core wounds are the most threatening and the ones that we most likely to deny or repress so it takes time to get to them. Be patient with yourself as you explore your past. Just deal with whatever feeling you are presented with at the time. The rest will come up when you are good and ready.

I'd also suggest that you start reading books that might be relevant and read them very mindfully. When you read something that you relate to, write about or post about it here. I am currently reading Dan Neuharth's book called If you had Controlling Parents. He looks at reasons why we might be reluctant to directly address core issues. It's a useful read, I think.

Good luck with it. And be very kind to yourself. Grief can be overwhelming. Keep posting.

Love Lifewriter 

Hey Mel1968, I am unfamiliar with your backstory and am wondering whether you can fill me in a little on your experience in a r/s with a pwBPD?  How long was your involvement with a pwBPD?  Maybe you are still involved with the pwBPD?  Some of those answers might give clues to the work ahead of you.

LuckyJim

Sometimes our FOO can leave us with core vulnerabilities rather than wounds. For example as we grow into adults we haven't learn to fail/deal with anger/neediness of others, as our early development was 'protected" from the nasties in the world.

We have missed out on the school of hard knocks... .