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I know my DD smokes pot.  I know this is not good. But even my DH and I discussed how as long as she does what she's suppose to do, i.e., go to school, be home by curfew, not friends in house, etc., we can overlook this as long as it doesn't become a problem as we were teens too and know teens do that sort of thing... . Well I got a call at 1:00 from Assistant Principle advising one of DD's teacher suspected she was under the influence and she needed to take a test! Now mind you, they searched her and came up with nothing! So I had to leave work and DD refused to take a test at Dr's saying her friends all said it's a set up and by no means take the test by their doctor which scared her to death after everything she's been through, so she refused. She agreed to take one for me at home though.  But because she refused the school, it's an automatic 10 day suspension.  She needs to be medically cleared to return and it's not mandatory I share results with them.  Ok, so, I'm typically not one to side with DD because of all the crap we've been through, but I don't think this was right at all. DD said she was arguing with a teacher and that's when she sent her to office and that it was at the end of the day. How is it fair to just assume a child is under the influence, search them and not find anything, but still suspend them because they refuse to take a test? Yes I know DD should have taken the test anyway. And yes it will come up hot because she told me she does smoke but did not yesterday.  What should I do? Just wait out the 10 days or fight this? Also, now DD is refusing to go back to school saying they are going to constantly harass her.  She was doing so good! At home and at school and now this! This is setting her back big time! I'm beside myself.  :'(   She was so distraught yesterday.

Oh dear  

Can you look online or in the parent information packet from the school to see what their policy reads?  If it is clearly spelled out that they can call for a test at anytime then you will have an answer as to what to do from here.

My d's highschool had on file annually a signed page from parents and students stating that they read and understood the school drug testing and discipline policies.

I don't have it in front of me, but it says something to the affect that if a teacher suspects a student is under the influence and it's affecting their education in class, then they can request it.  I requested in writing what exactly took place for the teacher to suspect DD was under the influence and prompting them to send her to nurse.

There was no form I was to sign in the beginning of the year. The only consent parents sign are ones for those students who are in activities.

It just sucks - for lack of a better word. She was doing everything she needed to do.  Including getting a job. My DD's IEP classification is emotionally disturbed.  This is really setting her back and that terrifies me. I have a feeling she's not going to return to school now. And now what? I don't want to have to send her back to RTC because of this. She's still badgering about taking the GED. Do I let her? I don't know what to do now.  I do know that DD's teacher is now painted black for doing this, and so it's going to be an ongoing saga. 

I know for a fact going back to school is going to be major major drama now.

Should she be grounded?

I've been in your shoes to some degree raytamtay.  It does suck!

Since your d has an IEP can you call a meeting?  Go over the options available and the pros and cons of each to make an informed decision based on what is most likely to be successful for your d and getting a diploma?

My d had no IEP and under our family's circumstances (Dad passed away, d turning 18 half way through her senior year, d hating school/some teachers/many students) I petitioned the school to move her into an alternative program the school supported.  It was a self paced, online curriculum, 1/2 day, basic graduation program in a class room setting off campus.  It worked, she graduated 1/2 year early... .the day after her 18 birthday.

The only downside is that she will have to do classes at a jr or community college before being accepted into a 4 year university.

Ibjnltx - I just received a message from her IEP to schedule a Manifestation Determination Meeting on the day DD is due back to school. So I guess that's when I should discuss an alternative? I want to discuss with DD the options first.  She is hoping I will use this time to research the GED process.

I do know that an alternative school is an option as is night school. Night school won't work now that she has a job though.  But I may be willing to do an alternative school if DD is willing.  I can understand not wanting to be in a regular HS at this point.  Just the stigma associated with everything.  

I think even with the GED (actually it's called something else that I can't think of - where she will get an actual diploma and even walk), she would need to take classes as it is a hard test to pass.  

Convincing DH of an alternative to regular HS is going to be a challenge as I get the sense he already thinks I'm a bad mother for some of the choices I've made. But he still doesn't quite get the fact that DD has a disorder. I don't think he ever will... .However, I do know he has a lot of respect for her now that she's gotten a job.  He actually spoke to her about it.  Actually spoke to her period... .

Not only do I feel I have to walk on eggshells with DD, but DH too as I always feel judged.  Sorry - just having a very very bad emotional day.   :'(

Been there with DH too raytamtay... .it is another layer of concern and somewhat hurtful that our spouse doesn't "get it" nor "accept it" nor support us in our best efforts to parent a disordered child. UGH!

It really helped me to validate my DH just like I did my daughter.  I would use validation and SET with him to minimize conflict and stay focused on problem solving.  Keep coming back to the goal... .d getting the diploma and graduating.  Allow him to express his concerns, validate them and then bring it back around to the best choice for daughter to graduate... .that is what you will both have in common... .the goal.

Ray

Your struggles are very similar to my families struggles. I am sorry and I know that it is hard to know what the right approach should be.

What were the results of your testing at home? Was the test able to indentify more than just pot? I would not ignore drug use or simply say teens will be teens. I took this approach at one time and was blind to my dd drug use. Do not give her the benifit of the doubt. Test are there to prove you are innocent... .not guilty... .refusing a test that could have saved her is not wise choice.  Let her serve out her suspension... .I would not fight one bit. This is the consquences she must endure.

As far as school goes... my dd saw school as a real trigger... .by the end she was not able to manage well... .since she wasn't going to go to a four year college she opted to graduate early. She didn't care that she would miss prom or that she was missing out on her high school so that is what we did. I stressed too much about school and really I probably just should have home schooled her but you know how hard that would have been.

I would sit down with the school and have a talk about what can be done to help dd remain at school and if it is possible even to graduate early. If that can be done then do it and let her start her life. Let her work and go to comminty college or what ever she wants. There really is no right answer here Ray... .do what you think is best. Tell her you would maybe consider a different arrangement if she finishes out the semester and passes her classes. That might motivate her to try harder but ultimately school is always going to be a struggle for her and also a place to get drugs easily so exploring different options couldn't hurt. It depends what she wants to do after HS... .GED is somewhat limiting.

I would not ground your dd... .she is already being punished by the school. I would start drug testing her pretty regularly. Especially after she has been out for the night or at a sleepover. Don't ignore drug use because it only gets worse... .pot is a gateway drug... .no matter what people say... .pot leads to other drugs. My dd has tried everything out there and is lucky to be alive.

Try and separate yourself from your dd... .her problems don't have to be yours... .let her feel the full weight of her choices. don't rescue her... .she needs to know that when asked to take a test she needs to comply. Good luck Ray... .I would also suggest you look at Al-alon and see if there is meetings for teens for AA.

Thank you both for your responses and advice. It means so very much. I feel less alone when I come on this board.  :)

 

   

Hey Raytamtay3 

I just wondered after reading your post if maybe this is ur DDs way of making you listen to her about the GED?

Sometimes for our BPDs actions can speak louder than words. Just a thought? x

This is so tough on you but having read your posts for quite a while and knowing how smart your DD is-do you think she might be attempting to manipulate you to get what she wants? i.e. to get out of following the ground rules you laid down about accepting her back into your home? It sounds to me like she's trying to test your boundaries and if she succeeds in getting out of going to school and gets her way about doing things her way-then what will happen next? Which one of your hard won boundaries will she break next if she thinks she can?

I'd be very concerned about where all this is going if I were you.  Maybe take a step back from trying to fix everything for her again and stick to your  guns? I know as a parent I made a million excuses for my son's behavior and all I ended up doing was enabling him and making him think I was a pushover.

Oh I'm sure.

Good question.  I'm really trying to stand firm on my boundaries. She had a meltdown when I called her out on some of the things that have been going on (came home at 11:50 last night claiming there was a party of 10 that came in at 10:00 and after cleaning up, etc., she didn't get out until 11:30. I'm calling the manager today just to get an idea of how things work there and what her schedule is. I don't want to get her in trouble or give them an impression of her not being truthful, so I'm just going to just kind of introduce myself).  She ended up, purposely or not which I can't prove, blocking my number which prevented me from telling her no when she asked about the sleepover and thus taking it upon herself as it to me yes.  I reaffirmed that if she cannot get a hold of me that means no.  This way she can't try and play that game again.  I also told her if she ever has to stay late like that, it is her responsibility to call me to let me know! It's like I have to spell everything out to her! I know she knows better, but it's like if I don't spell it out, it doesn't apply to her.

I do expect her to mess up from time to time.  And I am going to constantly have to reinforce that boundaries and rules.

I went home on Friday to a broken house phone.  Apparently DD threw it against the wall.  I made her pay me for it.

Things are beginning to spiral.  She is still refusing to go back to school on Nov. 16 after this suspension.  She has been coming in late for curfew.  It was a battle to get her to commit to an appointment to get a refill of her medication as it interfered with her social calendar.  As soon as this suspension occurred, all this has started.  I had a feeling this would make her regress.

I have to call he CMO and let him know what's been going on.  I don't know what's going to happen, i.e., if I should have her sent back considering she isn't adhering to agreement or dealing with it for the 1 year 10 months she has left until she's 18 and I can legally make her hit the road. lol.  Not really funny... .

She also took a container that my DH's mom gave him that was worth a lot of money out of the house, and has not returned it after we've told her we want it back.  She's been increasingly hostile.  Pretty much exactly where we were two years ago.

Sorry to hear things have taken a step backwards. Even though I knew you were expecting it. Keep that in mind, that it is to be expected. What are her consequences for breaking curfew?

You're not the only one counting down the days until DD's 18th bday. Although, Im sure we wont wake up on that morning and magically be able to stop caring. Hang in there, keep the calm exterior, ur doing great 

Hi Infiniteeyes.  I suspended DD's cell phone service for being late, which is what prompted her to then smash the house phone... .She claimed she had to work extra late due to a large party coming to the restaurant.  Then it turned in to her phone would be turned on when she paid for the damage house phone, which she relunctly (sp?) did.

I just am so upset we are back to how things were. And so mad at myself for giving in and not going with a lot of people's suggestion of group home prior to coming home.

I was so hopeful things would be different and wanted to give her a chance, and that she would be on her Ps and Qs after being away for over two years and not wanting to go back... . Even this job is posing an issue because she has yet to open an account, so you and I both know where that money is going... .Ugh.  I just want it to stop.

I am so sorry this is happening. I know you were hopeful that she would see her return home and new job as an important step forward.

This illness is devastating for all involved. This is not your fault.

Thank you Dibdob59. 

Limit pushing and boundary testing are what teens do.

What skills did your d learn at RTC?

We made the decision to send our d back to RTC when she would not use the skills she learned and broke our home contract repeatedly.  The second round sent a clear message to our daughter that we are serious and she needs to use what she worked so hard to learn and use  it consistently.  It worked.  :)

Honestly, I don't think she learned much there other than to be more sneaky and manipulative. She was coasting by at the end, I believe, as a result of the Lamictal and finally gave in and played the game to get out.  For her, I don't think it did any good at all.  Just made her even more street smart.

My DD has been through a lot when I think about everything.  We had to take desperate measures to get her in an RTC.  It began with a stint in Juvi, then off to a shelter, than to an RTC for a little less than a year because we didn't like the facility and then a year at this last RTC.  She has a scar over her right eye from getting in to a fight with one of the girls at the RTC.  She was constantly being restrained at the last place until 4 months before discharge.  It breaks my heart.  But she was able to stay strong though it all. She is one tough cookie and thankfully so.  I get anxiety thinking about how I would feel having to go through all that.  I am so passive and would be in a corner crying my eyes out if it were me!  

It was such a horrible experience for me personally to have to sit and watch.  I just cannot bear to send her back... .I can't.  :'(   Talk about tramatizing (sp?)!

The main source of contention right now is school.  She told me she refuses to go back.  I do know that she's always struggled in school due to her behavior.  I did speak to her CM at school who offered an alternative - night school from 3 - 6 Mon - Thur at the HS.  I am considering negociating with DD on that.  However, I anticipate even that will be a struggle as she now works from 3:30 to closing.  And heaven forbid it should interfere with her social life... .

I'm thinking of suggesting she speak to her supervisor to see if they could re-arrange her schedule.  Afterall, if she was so hell bent on getting her GED and taking classes for it, which most likely would have been later in the day as well.  This way, transportation is provided.

Thoughts?

I have to get her back in to therapy as well.  That kind of fell by the wayside which is my fault.  She was suppose to go to a Rehab After School Program, but the program never materialized!  I talked with her the other day about how we went cold turkey and how that wasn't a good idea. She did agree... .

Boy, they really do know how to give guilt trips don't they? Although this time, it's not working.  

Today is the 3rd year wedding anniversary of my DH and I, and we are going out to dinner.  Well it just so happens tonight of all nights, DD doesn't have plans or work and is badgering me to take her shopping for fall clothes after work.  I explained that I may be able to any other night accept tonight considering it's our anniversary and got slammed with "you always put others before me".  Wow - just wow.  As if that's ever been the case... .  

I found that when my BPDd wants something, everyone else is expected to wait until she gets it. She will blow up my phone, calling over and over until I finally answer (thinking something awful must have happened) only to hear "I need a copy of my car insurance card" or something equally ridiculous. Then, if I don't jump it's "You never cared about me--you've never been there for me--a stranger on the street is a better mother to me than you are", etc, etc. Sigh... they really do know how to manipulate. I'm glad to hear you are standing your ground this time.

She text'd me last night asking if she could sleep over at her friend's and I said no.  So she never came home... .Her cell goes straight to VM.  I'm so tired of this game.

This is difficult for you.

Is she pushing the boundaries and waiting to see if there will be a consequence that has an impact on her?

Do we ever really know what the heck they are thinking? lol.  I'm giving her one month to turn it all around or she goes back is what she and I will be discussing as she knew what the conditions were for coming home.

Hey Ray

I am really understand what you are going through. Your dd sounds a lot like mine. She is testing you and it is really important to be consistant. My dd was doing a lot of what your dd is doing and although I am sure mental illness has something to do with it I really feel addiction is also driving the bus for your dd right now. I would stress that she get help for that right now.

Your dd wanted to get clothes... .who was paying for that? Who is paying for her Phone? I will tell you my dd right now needs to earn her way. She pays me for her phone and she buys her own clothes. I would stop giving her things and make her earn them. she feels very entitled and that feeds into her addiction issues. What do you do when she breaks curfew or is home late? What are the consquences? I think it is important to let the natural consequences unfold for your dd even if that mean calling the police to report her for drug use. That kind of action can help get her to rehab.

There is a book by Dr Lee called "Recovering my kid"... .It is a good one to read. While your dd is under the influence of drugs she is not thinking right. It is time to look at your boundaries and write them down if needed.

If my dd wants to go out and sleep some where she knows she will be drug tested upon her return. You can buy these test at the drug store of online in bulk. I think you really need to stop ignoring the drug use. You have a limited amount of time to get dd help before she turns 18. Do all that you can now. Find a rehab that deal with dual DX and get her the help she needs. I am not sure you are located but the Hazeldon betty ford clinic in MN was a good experience.

I know you are worried about school and her graduating but put that on hold right now. Work on getting her help first. Stand your ground... .the addict will try and barder with you... .try not to enter into a circular aurgement with her. Take a breath and get your list together. Decide what you need to do going forward. I know it might be hard to think straight right now so get some help from a T or Al-anon. Ask for help from the school... .you don't have to do this alone. Keep us posted Ray... .It will get better. Hang in there

I have suspended service to her phone and will for until she can demonstrate she can come home on time.  She had mentioned previously about paying off her phone and getting a plan herself.  

Any sleepover priviledges are suspended until I feel she can be trusted which means yes, I will begin testing her.

I told her that she needs to earn more clothes by following house rules as she has plenty, otherwise she buys them herself.  Initially I agreed to going halves.  I will still go halves if/when she abides by the rules.

I 100% agree drugs are the driving force in all of these negative behaviours.

Ok so her phone is suspended.  Any suggestions on the duration?  DH seems to think until at least Monday (6 days without).  I was thinking if she keeps coming home, and on time, I would agree to Saturday.  Thoughts?

She had a natural consequence yesterday.    She was turned away from work for showing up with hickies all over her neck which occurred the night she was out all night... .her boss told her not to bother showing up until they are gone.  So now DD is without money and is stressing about that.

She stayed home all day yesterday.  Sat with me on the sofa showing me funny videos her and her friends made.  I found myself extremely tense with her sitting near me and I feel horrible about that.  It's like I'm back in self-protection mode... .

I did have a talk with her and told her what needs to occur for her to continue to stay home.  The only thing she is fighting me on is going to school... .I even brought up the possibility of her doing the night school thing after she asked how I expected her to be able to get up at 6 am every morning to go to school and then work 6 days a week.  I told her that education is important right now and that she would need to discuss with her boss that she needs to be part time due to school obligations.  She isn't agreeable to that.  She feels that she is going to be picked on when she returns and constantly drug tested.  I told her then she has to stop taking drugs and that wouldn't be an issue.  She wants to be emancipated.  I told her it isn't that easy.

My anxiety is through the roof again.  I've found lately that I am unable to parent DD to the best of my ability when I'm feeling like this, so I am going to go back to my doctor and be put back on something to help me cope.  I'm in fight or flight mode.

Just a little update.  I contacted DD's district CMO and told him what's been going on the past week and a half.  He was floored.  He is coming out this evening to meet with DD and I and asked if it would be ok to "scare" DD a little.  I told him to go for it! Whatever it takes man.

I know DD probably feels like her world is crashing down around her with the suspension and now being told to leave work.  I can only imagine what's going on inside her mind right now.  I neglected to use SET last night in our conversation, however, I was very calm and direct in what needs to occur.  But I really should have told her that it must have been upsetting to have her boss tell her to go home after showing up from work.

She did ask me last night if we could go clothes shopping and I did tell her that yes, we can go out and get a couple of things tonight.  The fact that she's even staying home a second night is a good thing.  I think I will use this time she's giving me to really try and talk to her about her struggles and about working together to get back on track.

Hey there Raytamtay3

Sorry you are going through a rough time at the moment.

My anxiety has also been through the roof the last few months but has calmed down now a bit as I started meds too a couple of months ago.

I know where you are coming from in feeling sorry for your DD.

Im in the same place feeling sorry for my daughter being away from home right now.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have tried everything in my human powers to keep her on the straight & narrow, but there comes a time where you have to let go and let her take responsibility for her actions.

She was covered in hickies and sent home from work - GOOD!

She might think again about letting some boy chew on her neck  lol

My DD has come home looking the very same and it is so hard to look at isnt it?

Thats pretty normal teenage behaviour though I guess.

I would consider her having her phone back on Saturday if she sticks to the rules.

Whose money is she using to buy clothes? Hers or yours? I would be mindful of the message it is sending if you are going to dip ur hand in your purse for her. Just a though x

You are doing a great job. I understand the feeling tense around her part. My DD was sending me into full blown anxiety attack by just being in the same house as me. Your brain and body are on constant high alert and of course that takes its toll on you. I hope the meds give you some relief. You deserve it.

Let us know how the talk goes and the CMO visit. Thinking on you ... .

My dd's friend has a two bedroom house she rents. Im considering allowing dd to move out to give her an idea of just how tough it is being on your own. Thoughts?

It is tempting to give them what they ask for and desire with the hopes that they will learn their lesson and come to their senses... .realize the errors of their ways.

The time for independence will come soon enough, 18 isn't too far away for your daughter when she will be responsible for herself and you will lose parental authority. 

It is difficult to know what to do when what we've done isn't making the difference we hope for.  I encourage you to revisit your goals and make decisions based on your family values, boundaries, and parental authority.  Keeping in mind that 1. we have to live with the choices that we make and the outcome of them. 2. the decisions we make for our kids may or may not have the desired outcome right now 3. our kids will hold us responsible for making the right choices on their behalf. 4.We want to set them up for success, not failure to the best of our ability and within our power.

lbj

Yes ramtamtay3 I can see how it might be tempting to let her move out. If it were me I would probably offer to help pack her bags  lol

But i agree with lbjnltx. Keep in mind that if it doesnt work out you will be crucified. I would stand my ground until she is 18. What have you got to lose? Keep well x

I agree that allowing her to move out right now isn't a good idea.

Now back to school... .I have one week to decide what to do.  :)o I allow her to take the GED and be down with this constant struggle of getting her to go to school, or do I push for her to go to school which ultimately will result on constant suspensions I'm sure because everyone there is now painted black?

She said her therapist even said how school isn't for everyone and that if the end goal is for her to get her diploma, why not just allow for her to get it now? Well the reason is because I don't see DD even following through with that!  I'm really at a loss for what to do.  I cannot keep having to leave work to pick her up from school, which has been the case for years.

DH says that if she cannot get along with people at school, how is she going to learn how to get along with people in the real world?

Can you and dd have this discussion at the IEP meeting and then make a decision based on what dd is willing to commit to?

I actually just found an excellent program being offered at the community college for ages 16 - 24.  It's a 6 months HS equivalency test preparation program.  They offer a lot! They pay for transportation, the test itself (which is $100), lunch, vocational training and even offer a $25 - $30 week incentive for students to participate in a mandatory in-house certification program that runs from 12:45 - 1:45 Wednesdays and Thursdays.  Student have to put in a minimum of 15 hours a week (so she could even go from 9:00 - 1:00 four times a week if she wanted).  The woman I spoke to say students can make their own schedule, as long as they put in the 15 hours).  :)amn... .where were these programs when I was growing up?

I did talk to DD about it and told her I would think about it, but that she would have to guarantee me she would complete the program and that we would need to come up with a consequence if she doesn't.

She can't be enrolled in school in order to apply.  She also needs to take a 3 hour test and score on a 6th grade level or above to qualify. So I have to act fast and can't really wait until the IEP meeting which is scheduled for next Monday - the day she is to return.  The school would need to fill out a non-enrollment application that we'd need to submit.

Thoughts?  

Any advice on the subject of school? She's due to start back Monday and in order for her to attend this program, she needs to be unenrolled in school. Anxiety is high because I don't know what to do.

I am unsure if I should post this. I have been thinking about this all day. If anything I say upsets or offends you I am truly sorry but I am not sure that what is best for your DD and what is best for you are going to be the same thing.

I can identify so much with the story you have told on this board over the years.

When my son was at school and getting into problems/trouble I invariably ended up seeing his side of things and trying to do all in my power to support him and fight his corner.

I am now absolutely certain that this was the wrong thing to do. I would do anything to turn the clock back and let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions.

By this I mean that I wish I had not stepped in and made excuses for his behaviour when he failed to comply with a school rule. I wish I had not tried to see his point every time, defended his inappropriate behaviour, blamed the school/teaching staff/other students. I wish I had not been so afraid of what his reactions would be if I did not 'fix' things for him and I wish I had not spent the last 18 years feeling his pain for him.

This behaviour on my part did not help him at all.

Even if my intentions were good I made things worse. I disabled him. He did not learn how to pay the price for his inappropriate behaviour or anger and at 31 he still looks to me for this support.

I have been trying so hard to pull back but I have to accept that he knows of no other way to survive.  My advice to anyone parenting a BPD son or daughter, however hard it may be, is to let them fully learn the really hard lessons of facing the consequences of their behaviour.

I know as a mother it is unbearable to see them in pain. But your DD failed to comply with a school requirement for testing. If she now feels difficult or awkward at school because of this, it is her fault. By letting her avoid this desperately looking for other means to finish her education you are helping her to avoid this lesson.

I know as I have done this. It did not work. The college course was never finished. Nor was the next one. Nor was the first job, the second job, the third job. And guess what. Every single one of these always ended badly but my son said it was always someone else's fault. He could never see he was to blame.

I would think hard before you allow your DD to keep moving the goal posts each time her behaviour causes her (and you) problems.

I mean this with the deepest compassion

Dibdob 

Dibdob - Thank you for your honesty and advice! I am not the least bit offended by your remarks! In fact I appreciate them very much as you are 100% right!  My only concern is that if DD doesn't go to school, I'm ultimately the one whose going to be penalized due to truancy.  So it's more or less trying to safeguard myself because I know in my heart of hearts that DD is always going to have difficulty in life.  In fact, she was just fired for the hickies too.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it feels a bit like your DD is drawing you in to thinking like her that every problem has to be fixed immediately and on her terms. It's like you're so busy jumping to stamp out fires at the moment that you can't see the big picture.

I got like that with my son-just reacting to every situation rather than stepping back and seeing how much I was being manipulated into doing what he wanted.

So how about letting things go as they are meant to? Don't search for alternatives to avoid her having to go to school. Let her face the natural consequences of her choices? Go to the IEP meeting, lay it out there and if they come after you because of truancy? remember you already have enough info about your DD to involve other agencies and stop her taking control of the situation again.

I think revisiting what the goal is and finding a way to achieve it will give you the answers that you are seeking.

It is her education, it is her future, it is her responsibility to achieve that goal.  One of the highest level skills we taught our daughter was how to negotiate for what she wanted.  It was up to her to convince us (and the school) that she could achieve her goal of earning her diploma in an unconventional setting.  I held her to her commitment and did not relent when she began to doubt herself and her ability to keep at it.  I was a cheerleader, supporter, enforcer, and encourager. 

This is a major milestone that will affect her life for many years should she fail to achieve it.  Regardless if she is being manipulative or handicapped by her mental illness... .keep your eye on the prize and make decisions in a cooperative manner with her.  Cooperation beats forced compliance every time.  JMO

Lots of good feedback from everyone  raytamtay.  Trust yourself to make the right decisions on your daughter's behalf.

I appreciate everybody's input on everything I've posted.  I want you all to know that I do hear what you are saying and I do try and look at things from all different angles.  There does come a point where I have to decide what is worth fighting for and what I need to resign myself and my methods to.  With that said, I have decided to let me DD take the secondary education program to achieve her high school equivalency because I just cannot keep on this battle to get her to go to regular HS. School has been a battle from the very beginning.  It's literally causing me anxiety and mental anguish trying to get her to be cooperative and stay in school.  My goal, and my DD's goal, ultimately is to get a diploma.  Whatever it takes to reach that goal I am going to encourage and support her in.  I have to give up my dream of her going to proms, resuming playing sports and living a normal teenage life because despite her even saying that's before she was released from the RTC, she is not normal and she has no desire to do those things. The more I push, the worse things get.  While I am still holding to my boundaries of house rules, this one struggle I am compromising on.  The condition is she is to complete the six month program or she will need to go back to HS.  :)o I see that happening - oh it's 50/50.  I see so many on here fighting the fight for their children for years and years to come.  I don't see myself being able to di it.  I will be supportive to my DD, but I will not sacrifice my sanity.

Maybe I AM the reason my DD is so messed up because I am so indecisive of what's the best thing for her is. I've made many mistakes along the way as well.  I most definetly am in FOG because I left my marriage and moved my kids to another state.  :)D was only 8 and had to leave her friends and everything she knew behind... .This is something I will never forgive myself for, and I do make decisions with her because of my guilt...

I cannot see sending my DD back to an RTC because she doesn't go to school.  I could not do that in good consequence despite her CMO threatening that.  I still don't think they even understand what I'm up against. They still see it as a behavorial issue and not a mental condition.

I'm just drained and heartbroken at the moment having realized that my dreams for her are not going to be a reality and that I have to let go... .

I am literally about to have a nervous breakdown! Now I receive a call from DS8 school saying how another student told a teacher DS said he had S E X with his sister! Jesus Fing Ch*st! What next?  I can 100% guarantee that is false. But now CPS is going to be involved! We need this sh*t on top of everything else! What the heck!

Holy moley!

Take a deep breath... .he is only 8 (as is his friend)and doesn't understand the ramifications of what is being said.

Let us know that you are ok and how we can help.

This is a very stressful time, please take care of you. 

hi raytamtay3

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through.

Your first post today was so eye opening and positive even though tinged with some sadness and regret.

It really hit home for me too and I know exactly how you are feeling torn between the guilt and letting go. Dont play the blame game with yourself. Your DD was not the only child ever moved away at the age of 8. And that is not the root cause of her problems. I also hear your frustration with the professionals labelling DDs problems as behavioural and not a mental illness. Hang in there. You know what you are doing and you are doing it well. Hopefully your daughter will see that you are pulling back a little and take up some of the control of her own life. I dont think our kids have the capacity to take full control just yet, but baby steps all the way. It is sometimes a game of push and pull and I understand your anxieties and frustrations.

Please try not to worry about your son and his friends comments. CPS will probably investigate, yes, but your son is just a little kid and they will be conscious of how kids talk and Im sure it wont be the first time they have had to deal with this kind of thing.

Also they should understand the impact our BPD kids antics have their younger siblings and maybe you should mention this. Of course the younger ones will act out or speak out in unexpected ways as they dont have the coping skills to deal with the atmospheres at home.

Again, hang in there. All will be well. Thinking of you, hugs 

Im sorry you are going through this... .Often when things get rough, they truly do for us... .The rollercoaster never seems to end.

Hang in there Raytamtay3 

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words through this trying time. I thought for sure CPS would have come out Friday or this weekend, but they didnt. So i dont know if/when they will.

What an emotional rollercoaster ride Ive been on. And I know im preaching to the choire (sp?). I am 44 and Im guessing, or should I say hoping, that my hormones are beginnng to go haywire because I have been so deressed for the past several months and its really scaring me. Im sure a lot of us question our own sanity when having someone in our family with a disorder. Its scares me that i will be stuck in this funk forever. So down and anxiety ridden with very few moments of feeling happy anymore. Crying at the drop of a dime. Irritable. Ugh, its horrible.  It scares the hell out of me.

Its times like these that I truly feel so lucky to have found this site and the wonderful people who occupy it for I dont know what Id do without it. Thank you everyone for being so supportive, understanding, non-judgmental and patient with me.

We will continue to be here for you raytamtay.   

Let us know how the IEP meeting goes today and which direction your d will go in to achieve her diploma. 

The IEP team pretty much said that they recommend this program to kids like my DD who are just unmotivated to attend a regular HS.  She said she has known of some kids who have gone on to lead very successful lives after completing it.

I'm just distraught over the whole thing. But it's my issue.  My wants. So, I will be unenrolling her and applying for the program this week.  I'm just tired of fighting this fight.    :'(

Dear Ray,  Take care of yourself you are doing everything for your dd dont feel guilty it really is a waist of time and it only hurts and keeps us stuck with severe depression .  Your a wonderful mom pleaSE hang in there and give it some time     

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