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I was wondering if anyone has heard that being an Empath could possibly make someone more of a target. I just met with a new T and gave my overall background story and she picked up on it and asked me a few questions. And said it sounds like you are an Empath as well. And then pwBPD sometimes will leave you high and dry and you may have a harder time letting go too.

All I know is I am still a wreck

Yes, definitely.  I am an empath, and I'm a complete wreck.   I was a perfect target.   Think about it.   pwBPD are searching for someone to save them and understand them.   Then, an empath comes along, feels their pain, validates them, takes care of them. 

hey DaKid 

i think this really depends on what you mean by "target". for that matter, it may depend on what you mean by "empath".

people with BPD are not predators. they are not looking for victims. our relationship was not a con job, though it may not have been what we expected.

and in general, folks dont have an invisible target over their heads, though they may have qualities which may attract them to certain personality types, and vice versa. at the end of the day both parties were searching for similar things. the two parties give it to each other, whatever "it" is. it served a purpose, which was bonding. we tend to have a hard time letting go because this was a very loaded bond.

so what does it mean to you to be an empath? what experiences in your life forged this empathy in you? how do you think this played a role in your relationship?

I don't mean I was like targeted. I think my T meant being an Empath means having certain traits that may cause me to have an even harder time moving on. Like trying to help her. Wanting to have all the answers. Living with the fact she will continue to have these relationships.

Hi DaKid,

It may help to ask your T with what they meant with the terminology? Empath is an interchangeable term with understanding someone's emotional state or a person that can feel people's feelings.

Perhaps your T meant that you're a caretaker? I bought a digital copy of Margalis Fjelstad, PhD book and found it hit home with the dynamics of a caretaker in a relationship a pwBPD, maybe you'll find some answers.

Caretaking Gone Bad People who become Caretakers for a BP/NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits. These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder.” In fact, they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families, at work, and socially, especially when they are at moderate levels. They include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others, a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent.  But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist)

Thanks mutt

I am actually reading that book right now too. It has helped. I would definitely recommend it for others to read too

This makes a lot of sense. I always used to say that if I started raging at him the way he did we would have killed each other, but yeah, having no personal boundaries and cowering was not the answer.

 :light:  That's me then. Well it was. Not sure I will ever trust myself to be again though. So very wary of anyone and everyone. If caring brings this much pain and sorrow. I suppose it is an integral part of who I am but I am damn well going to squash it from here on in.

If we think about it, caretakers have positive qualities that have roles in different areas in life, doctors, nurses, police officers, volunteering in animal shelters... .


What do you think about the role caretaker?

I think a caretaker does exactly that. Takes care that those they love or once met strangers are treated with care and respect. Listened to and valued for their opinions even if they are different from our own. A do unto others scenario. I think that to make someone feel loved and wanted and cared for and most importantly safe is what a caretaker does. In my relationship I realise he sometimes laughed at my what he called weakness/softness and most certainly took advantage of it many times in the later months. He didn't respect me for it, used to call me a hippy for believing in caring and gentleness and nurturing. I see a fine line between caretaking and co-dependence but it is still a line. My parents brought me up to be respectful and kind, in all my life I have lived by it. I never turned on him until last week when my nerves were shredded beyond endurance and hate myself for it now. I know I am still a care taker, it is as part of me as my brown eyes but unlike my eyes I can and I think I will hide my caring somewhere deep inside, I cannot trust to hand it out so easily. Anymore hurt like this and I will surely break.