BPDFamily.com

Welp, that was dumb of me. About a month after the split, I got a text message asking how I'm doing and all that. I responded kindly. His mother sent me a photo of us saying he missed me and was depressed. Then, later that evening, I got the "I hate myself, can I call you?" message from him. Being only 20 minutes away, I just drove over to see what was up.

So for three days we had a wonderful time, just like the original honeymoon period. Yep, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. And, of course, I knew better. Right after I left his house came the initial pushback. "I think we should only see each other once a week. I don't want to talk to you tonight; I'm sleepy (at 9pm and he didn't go to bed until 2am). Let's see each other on Thursday. No, let's see each other on Friday. But I have to work that evening. You can't stay the night." Then, today, comes the "I feel okay. I want to go with my family out of state for the day. I need to spend time with them (he lives with them and 'out of state' is five minutes down the road)."  Sigh.  SIGH!  Fastest recycle and discard in history, probably!

Except this time I don't feel miserable. I feel relief. I see it for what it is. It won't get better. Not ever. The endless word-bending, the constant time-warping, the constant accusations of lying/deceit.  The push-pull cycle won't ever end. And with this person in particular, the push-pull cycles are RAPID. Made even more so by the fact that I allowed myself to be open to him for support.

For what it's worth, unless there are other facts, that doesn't necessarily sound like a discard. He perhaps needs to pull back, re-center. It makes sense for someone who can feel overwhelmed by closeness. You obviously have a better vantage point, but I think we often draw overly definitive conclusions from this pulling back.

Yes, classic BPD. My ex was the same. I eventually got tired of it too, but now 4 weeks after NC... .I am missing her like crazy. I refuse to get back into the cycle, I will stick it out... .I hope it gets better. Hang in there, let him push-pull with someone else. It hurts when I think my ex is in an idealization stage now... .but it doesn't hurt that much when I know that she will be in devaluation stage soon.

I'm curious about the term "recycle". Does the above constitute a recycle? If so I must have recycled with my ex dozens of times. We'd hang out a few days then go a week without. Then it would start again. But I never considered them recycles. I have only been recycled with her once as far as I know and that's when we went "official" and started telling friends and family that we were together again, being intimate etc.

At any rate, I'm sorry you had to go through this. They really have a way of bringing our hopes up and then bringing them crashing down around us.

It's dehumanising behaviour.

Your partner plays the 'pity me' card, but is later prepared to send you away at the drop of a hat.

Basically the message to you is that you need to be 'on call' in case he needs you - so don't get any ideas of living your own life in the meantime.

It follows that he won't truly acknowledge your humanity, in case your own decisions ever conflict with what he wants.

It's very manipulative, although I would add though it may look as if he's schemed it all out in advance, this is not necessarily the case - such people may just feel compelled in the moment to act the way they do. Which of course can be scary in its own way.

If you wish to maintain contact with him, I'd strongly advise to send clear and regular messages that you have your own life.

For example if he wishes to meet then say you have prior engagements and agree a different time.

If he says something unreasonable then tell him, lightheartedly,  to get a grip, or go tell it to his therapist.

This way you can keep boundaries while remaining civil.