BPDFamily.com

I'm feeling so sad tonight.  We're going to couples counseling on Wednesday and I'm dreading it.  It was my idea, but the closer it gets the more I'm realizing I really, really don't want to go.  I feel as though this relationship is unsalvageable.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel trapped and confused and just completely, totally sad.

I don't know.  I'm just so tired.  Her emotions are so dysregulated.  Yesterday we were laying in bed and she was so anxious that she was literally thrashing around in bed, sobbing, talking about how she wished she could beat her head against the wall and make it stop.  I care about her so much but I just can't be around that.  I can't marry her.  I can't raise kids with her.  I know there's no future there.  I just can't bring myself to end it.

It's just dread. All the time. Such an awful, draining feeling.  Why can't I end it?

edit: Sorry. Not nearly enough info here.  14 months together.  Living together.  So that's one big reason I'm having such a hard time ending it or even finding space away from her.

Wow, do I know what you are feeling.  Near the end of my relationship I was struggling with the exact same feelings.  :)read, despair, fear of what a future with her might be like.  I also continued to hold onto the hope that it might get better and I just couldn't let myself give up, even though in some ways I already had.  She desperately wants (needs) a family and kids, and when I hesitated in that area as a result of my fears and doubts, I got devalued and discarded.  

Maybe I can give you some advice on this.  My wife is BPD but I didn't know BPD existed until last year.  She matches about 90% of the traits.  The reason why you probably can't leave is that you feel a responsibility with her and that by you leaving would make her worse.  Also the probability that you might feel as a failure because someone you love so much you couldn't fix, the person that's suppose to be the most important to you, you had to let go always wondering if there was something else you could've done to save her.

Let me tell you straight out.  A person with BPD, you cannot save.  No matter what you say or do, the disease does not stop.  Marriage only makes it worse.  My wife who I thought was the loving, sweet, attentive person I fell in love with (it was all deceit), ended up being an abusive, lying, cold-hearted woman.  We have a 7 year old daughter together and as I told her I don't want this marriage anymore, she refuses to leave or look for a lawyer.  However she continues to berate me in front of our daughter.  I see the change in my daughter, her childhood being taken away after every awful comment or action that my wife does to me and now her.

If you get them cornered and make them face that they have a mental issue (ie. BPD, depression, etc... ) they will then pull the pity card and say how they should end their own life, etc... then 15 minutes later come back to you and berate you for not taking out the garbage, etc...  

You become the emotional and often times physical punching bag.  They are full of deceit.  I remember the time she attacked me and I was going to call the police.  Her response was that "There are not any bruises so it's not abuse and if you call the police I will hurt myself and tell them you did it".

I often get from her 'You don't make me happy'.  This is what your GF is expecting from you, to fix her emotional issues.  It's impossible and you will pay a price for it.  My advice is that if she won't realize that she has a mental/emotional problem and get help for it, that you are leaving.  Trust me, you don't want to be in the situation I am in.  You will end up just being used.  There have been times that I have been worried about my life because of her and already gave a friend an email to keep in case something were to happen to me.  This email is to let authorities know what my wife is capable of behind closed doors and to please look at that direction.

Does your gf drink or take medication?  My wife drinks every night and is on the highest dose of her anti-depression medication.  If you were to meet her in public, you would never guess this very attractive, smart, smiling, funny girl has such a disorder.  She gets it from her father who is a psychopath.  I'm sure your GF has a dysfunctional family in some regard.  Hope this helps.  To stay you need to have strong shoulders and the realization that you will never get what you need in this relationship.  You also have to have acceptance on the way she acts because of this disease.  It's very easy to become depressed when dealing with a person like this.  If you feel they are dragging you down to that level, you need to get out for your own safety.

Hey reshi, Silveron makes some good points.  I should know, because I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years.  The bottom line is that you are not responsible for another adult's well-being.  You didn't cause her to get BPD and you can't fix it for her.  By taking care of her, you're not taking care of yourself, which is clear from your post.  Time to change up the game and do what is right for you.  You know what to do, right?  If not, listen to your gut feelings.  I didn't and it got me into a lot of trouble.

LuckyJim