BPDFamily.com

I was doing ok today. Visited a charity shop, and arranged for them to come pick up sofa, various other bits of furniture that wont fit in my new home when I move. Bed, too many memories, then started going well over the top. New crockery, kettle, toaster, stuff I visualise him using with me when we were so happy. I have bought a new bed and sofa to be delivered. I recognise this is all a bit odd but it was helping me and felt relatively ok. Then in supermarket, saw his favourite brand of mint jelly. Burst into tears in the aisle, dropped my shopping, ran outside, threw up in the car park and cried my eyes out all the way home. I am not being rational or normal. It's not as if I don't know how bad he is for me I just seem to want him back so badly. HELP. I am sick of feeling this, sick of waiting for time to pass. Not for the first time I wish he would just die so I wouldn't be tormented anymore that he wants to live in this world without me. Put his arms around someone else. I fear for me I truly do.

This unfortunately reminds me of what I go through daily as well.  I want her back in my life and to hell with the consequences.  Yet I know that most likely I will end up in the same place I was prior to being discarded or worse.  I admit to being deeply impacted by the thought of my ex with someone else.  The apparent "death" of her love for me has been like sitting in a windowless room, watching the door slowly close taking what little light is left in my life, leaving me alone and afraid in the dark.   I should know that I must provide my own light, and I did before I met her, but it seems I let her take my light when she left.  I need to find my light again.

I thought I had found my light, at least a glimmer, and then I went back for more. It was far worse, thinking I had got my love back and losing it again. I do understand and I don't understand? I cant help it. I try but its not working. I read all the encouragement from this site and read people saying they have been were we are and got through it and I know no-one dies of a broken heart but I cant seem to apply it to me. My phone just pinged as I was typing and my heart leapt into my throat. I so wanted it to be from him, not likely as he has blocked me and anyway nothing will have changed but I so so wanted it to be. It wasn't. I truly don't know how to go on. x

I'm the same way.  Every time I see someone called or sent a text I start choking on my heart even though I know there is a better chance of me winning the lottery than for her to reach out to me.  I am dead to her now, like I never existed and she never loved me.  It is beyond difficult to deal with this split desire to want them back in our lives and knowing if they did come back it would be the same as before.  Rinse, love, resent and repeat. 

I don't know if it will help but I found a post here today called I just want to know if my ex misses me. The first response was from a BPDsufferer and incredibly honest and brave it was too. We are all different but somehow it had a huge impact on me and every time I think he never really loved me I will go back and read what it says. It comforted me very much to read a BPD sufferers perspective. I may be a wrong, he may not have done and it won't take away the pain and loss but I like to think that I was loved. Hope it helps you too.   x

I couldn't agree more. 

Hi Sadly

It's very tough going through these things. Longing for someone while you know their history of hurting you, is a confusing and heartbreaking experience.

I think most of us want to be loved and want the love we feel for others to be reciprocated. People with BPD often have difficulties with love. It isn't necessarily that they don't love the people in their lives, but often they just find it very hard to express their love in a way that also comes across as loving. People with BPD often have an unstable emotional core which can make it very difficult for them to maintain relationships in a loving manner.

In spite of everything you've been through, the thought of being loved is indeed comforting. A cherished memory that you can hold onto, yet at the same time needs to go hand in hand with the reality of your experiences. BPD truly presents us with a harsh reality to accept so I can definitely understand why you are struggling.

I am glad you came online here to post about this. You are among friends here who can relate to what you are going through

Hi Kwamina

thank you for your reply. It is as you say confusing and heart breaking. The reality is what it is and I will never confuse it but I oh so want to believe that I was loved by him, even if only for a little while. I think I hurt for him as much as I hurt for me. I cant bear the thought of how unhappy he is inside even when the outer shell is as hard as stone. I know I have to concentrate on me but oh what I would not give to feel his arms around me again, even knowing what would follow. I won't, going back once was enough, reality stinks sometimes. x

Hi Sadly, glad to see you utilizing the boards. It's a good coping plan.   I'm sorry you're hurting.

Do you remember we talked about deep breathing when you felt this way before? 10 minutes of deep breaths can help immensely. If this continues it may be good to go talk to your doctor.

We're here for you. Keep posting, it helps.

Hi Suzn, these boards are my lifeline and my sanity as they are for so many. I will try the deep breathing, I forgot. Have been publicly sick so many times lately it's awful. I did the doctors, 3 types of pills but they make me fuzzy and I cant concentrate on absorbing the work stuff and all the hundreds of miles I am driving at the moment. Thank you for being here for me. x

I so totally relate to this

the difference is that my husband keep going back and forth, telling me he misses me and he wants to get his life and family back, still he is not able to take action for this, and he is still with my replacement so i went ahead with the divorce papers and today he told me after leaving me in limbo for weeks, that he has signed the papers...

the feeling of loss is unbelievable.i was so distressed i was gasping for air and dealing at the moment with constant anxiety and insomnia... .

this is what i just wrote him, and a bit it made me feel better



Deep in my heart I never wanted you to sign those papers ... .

I always had a glimmer of hope that maybe, only maybe, we were going to be ok... .We were going to be happy again, we were going to slowly solve our problems and everything would be good in the world. The sad realization, the crashing down of a hope and a life Time planned full of dreams is the biggest pain I have ever felt... .I understand I was not in reality that special person like you were to me, or special enough for you to save this... .You  made it clear by choosing someone else which is I guess in your eyes  more deserving and probably " loves " you more if that is even possible.

Because I swear to you I don't know how it can be humanly possible to love someone more than what I did with you.

Maybe more socially acceptable, maybe more attractive, maybe more intelligent, maybe maybe... .

I feel like I lost half of my soul, I lost someone I can’t imagine being without — a person who has the ability to love me  or break me.

a love so pure and so strong, it consumed me, a perpetual state of calming assurance that everything will be all right, when in reality it is not... .someone that knew me, or I thought he did, inside out... .And I thought the same of you... .That  love was real , at least it was for me... .

I remember the first time I saw you... .I had the feeling I was home, like I finally found my missing piece  and that I have been knowing you for all my life... .My soul recognized your soul... And I felt warm and safe... .And when we got married after all of the struggles of the first years I thought

" a love that’s meant to be, will be"


As time passes, I come to the realization that there might not be for me a greater love than this but Hopefully one that doesn't choose to break me or just decides that  something so truly special that might happen only once in a lifetime, is truly worth fighting for... ..

I remember feeling this way and then reading that there is no way for us to understand what they are going through. They love us but the way they love is not the same way we love. The feeling is there and it is real but it is not how we define it. You need to understand that. when we love, we think it is the same experience and it is not. Add to that the thought that the more they let you "in" the harder they push you out. if you think of it like he loved you so much that it hurts him to be with you it may make it easier for you to understand. How can we understand that feeling? All we can do is accept it.