BPDFamily.com

So, even though a few days ago was a challenging day with some lovely text messages... .I don't think I was badly triggered.  I would say disappointed and annoyed.

Yesterday was a great day... .Last evening we snuggled on couch together for over 2 hours... .no electronics... .kids were already in bed and we talked.

Much of it was about fun things we each did during the day... .or last couple days.  We talked some about our kids... but it was not a "parenting talk".  Anyway... .we shared with each other and enjoyed the conversation. 

I didn't bring up our r/s... neither did she. 

Anyway... very happy about yesterday... .but I realize it doesn't "fix" anything.

I've had good days... and bad.  Important thing is to keep going.

I've tried to pay attention to my feelings and thoughts and how I'm trying to "nudge" myself in the right direction.

The best way I can describe it is "tugging towards the center".  So... when it's bad I try to pull myself back towards center.  I'm also conscious to do that when things are great.  Not that I'm trying to give myself a bummer... .

Anyway... .I've been trying to do this for a while... .and it seems to be working.  I would have thought that I should try and stretch out the good and "focus" on it for as long as possible... but when I tried that... .it seemed to set me up for a big disappointment.

If I'm always "tugging towards the center"... .I seem to ride out the bumps much better.

Anyone else experienced stuff like this... .or found ways of thinking about things that have worked for them?

FF

I understand the analogy you are putting forth and I think it is a good "way to live".

The center is "your true self, in all of its capacities". When living with a pwBPD, their character patterns tend to manipulate, mold, change, stress your "natural center state". If you feel you begin to deviate from this, I do believe that sticking to your boundaries, practicing SET, etc is like "pulling yourself back to center".

Pretty good stuff.

To me the main thing is to try not to be dependent on the relationship for happiness... .don't expect the good days to come, and when they do you feel elated and convinced that that's it and life is good from now on.

Realize that your spouse is going to have the good and the bad. Remember it both when it's good, and when it's bad. Try to have a stable self and strong core. 

"Anyway... very happy about yesterday... .but I realize it doesn't "fix" anything"



The further we as nons keep away from trying to 'fix' anything where are pwBPD is concerned, the greater the chance for a reduction in overall conflict and dysregulations.

If you research general marital advise, these themes come up often:

1. Stay positive.

2. Don't try to fix things. (I have to really pay attention to this one)

3. Do not talk about your problems outside of professional M/C.

These are HARD to do with a BPD spouse, but looks like you are traveling in the right direction.

Way to go, formflier!

This type of mental "practice" reminds me both of the daily exercise of physical muscles and of formal meditation techniques. Do you see parallels in your daily Christian practice? Of profound evolution over time of core attitudes and feelings? I'm kind of astonished by the power of this type of work.

Definitely focusing on trying to "take onboard" a different "core attitude and feeling".  Trying to do this by constant and gentle reminders to myself about my focus... .rather than "beating myself up" when I get off course (which I do).

There are some Christian parallels here... .although to be honest... .that was not the focus here.  The Christian in me would say that it not enough to "put off" the old habits (which may be sinful or result in sin) but you also need to "put on" the new "Christlike" image (or behavior)

"put off the old... .put on the new"

Since I really didn't think my old ways were sinful (about this issue)... .that's why I say this really didn't come out of Christian practice.  

FF

Oh, I see what you mean. I too recognize this stuff as a "putting off the old" type exercise.  |iiii

1 and 2 are good pieces of advice. Very hard to follow, but good.

I don't know how one even attempts 3. "Talking about our problems" is my BPDw's main hobby!

"I'm not able to have a conversation about X right now.  I can chat about Y or I can give you some time alone if you would rather Z.  Looking forward to that dinner we have been planning... "

FF

I have difficulty with #3, too. FF's response works sometimes. Other times, she majorly disregs if I refuse to talk about whatever she currently sees as the end of the civilized world. 

 

Just remember... .if your goal is to avoid a dysregulation... .you will fail.  No doubt about it.

If your goal is to communicate a boundary and then enforce it... .you can have 100% success.

FF

Staying centered>consistency>structure>progress without wasted energy>life is less tiring>greater satisfaction and emotional stability>you are less triggering to pwBPD>easier to stay centered.

It is the core principle to a better relationship, even if you have all sorts of dysfunction around you it takes toxicity out of it. Toxicity is a measure of how much a behavior affects you, it is relative to your reaction

A problem that doesn't affect you is a problem that doesn't need to be fixed

Heh. Yeah, let's role play.

Me: "I'm not able to have a conversation about X ri--"

Her: "Oh, yeah, you're NEVER able to have a conversation; you just want to walk away, so you get to win again! We need to fix our relationship! And there you are, halfway out the door! We've talked about that -- you know how disrespectful it is! And yet you still do it!"

Me: "I'm not--"

Her: "And there you go interrupting me again!"

Me: ... .

Her: "Well, this is actually supposed to be a conversation. Not a monologue. I feel like you're just standing there waiting for me to stop talking so you can ignore me and walk away. Don't give me that look! If you're walking out right now, we're done. We're done. You can sleep upstairs again tonight. I don't want to be married to you, because you definitely don't want to be married to me!"

Me: "OK. Good night."

Wow, it's scary how easy it was to write her part.