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The last conversation was as follows, after I helped her with rent and 'saved' her from more financial misery

After EVERYTHING Ive read on this forum, and all the articles, im still being delusional and not facing the reality about her behaviour and condition. She has done a good job of convincing me I am the problem, that her behaviour was reasonable as a retaliation to me not meeting her demands, and because "i betrayed her"




The conversation had started with:

I told her I wanted to be honest to my parents about what has happened, and she wants me to send her money weekly OR she will move into the apartment of the guy she slept with "to get back at me and hurt me". i told her that it isn't right for me to be 'controlling her' by telling her what to do just because I am helping her out financially, she has the right to choose who to be with. i also voice my concerns that my parents will likely react very badly to the news that I broke NC, and sent her more money, they will be very hurt and disappointed.

Her: Tell me now if you cant send me what i need weekly so I can move in by tonight

Her: You can never control me. I dont respect you nor am i scared to lose you.

Her: ok. its settled then.

Her: goodbye d**. and with your decision to open up to your dad like a total idiot, i am never speaking to you again

Her: i would like to thank you for the money today, but then

Me: I told you I won't do that now

Me: If i did he may not even help me

Her: i skipped weeks of studying and went through hell because of you

Her: I wont be on Skype anymore. Goodluck.

Me: You have things to sort out now.

Her: Maybe at some point you will realize what you did and its you who cant forgive yourself for losing me.

its tough when after sending her money she doesn't thank me. and for her to tell me "I will never be with you again", and request more money with no empathy to everything Ive done... .well right now, Im feeling apathetic, and emotionless

Her: I will never be with you again. So it shouldnt matter

Her: i need to go now, im running out of time.

Her: Just let me know if you can support me weekly. I dont have money for expenses this week.

Her: And your answer will let me decide where and who to stay with.

You're being tortured, literally. Extorted, exploited, manipulated, blackmailed. There's nothing there for you but a hole of darkness to fall into and lose yourself forever in unimaginable sorrow.

The hardest thing to destroy is the human spirit. She is dangerously close to destroying yours. There's nothing left for you on that path! Not one drop of happiness can come from further contact with her. You must set up some massive boundaries and fast! The first is to realize you're a human being and deserve to be treated like one!

I agree, daz. I had a BPD friend I helped in a similiar fashion. Like you, I also got discarded and screwed. I think you did the right thing sending that email. Her manipulation is ridiculous.

I also believe that stepping way back from this and doing some self assessment is really important for you. You tried to help her. She had one thing on her mind atm, and that is her own survival. Maybe she is in a pinch,  at best. At worst, obviously you see how she is treating you.

Leave her to her choices and their consequences.

What would you like to do now? How can we help you out with that?

thank you for your responses

She just messaged me about 30 minutes ago... .notice the tonality in the messages, its as if what she said 5 hours ago didn't happen at all... .Remember her final words "I wont be on Skype anymore. Goodluck." and "Maybe at some point you will realize what you did and its you who cant forgive yourself for losing me.

Her: Hey

Her: I got my permit

Her: I just need to eat, im fainting

Her: Are you here?

Her: Sorry your last message didnt go through, I just got it now

now what? just look at the discrepancy in mood, AND the timeline... LITERALLY within 6 hours AT MOST or less!

@daniel85 - i was known as a very honest, reliable, confident person, and very independent. this interaction with her, is causing me to lie to her, myself, and my parents and friends - as i am ashamed to be in a relationship like this, and lie to her on occasion to delay/prevent the tantrums and abuse AND i lie to myself about what is happening in reality that this 'relationship' ins't what i think it is, no matter how i delude myself.

somehow, she exposes my weakness that my 'honesty' isn't 100% foolproof, what is more she says "i hate it when you don't put me first before everyone else" (meaning 'lie to others if it means helping and supporting me and doing what i want' even if that is my parents)

but i lie because i juxtapose 'being honest' with 'being a supportive and loving partner' in extreme circumstances, its just that she makes EVERY situation EXTREME, she is constantly in emergencies every 1-3 days

daz,

people with mental disorders become emotionalyl and verbally abusive for several reasons, including getting something they want.

we sometimes cave into the abuse just to make it stop.  that's not the best way to handle verbal abuse.

likely you already know that, since you are here posting.

there are two participants in this dance.   you can't change her behavior.   you can change how you react.   it won't be easy.   it will be the most effective route over the long haul.

take a look at this, especially the part about intermittent reinforcement of dsyregulation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0)

'ducks

 

 

Focus on the choices that you have... .

You know how she will react/act... .  You have control over how you act/reaction.

Focus your energy and thoughts on what you have control over...

FF

I told her I wouldn't send her any more money, AND she kept threatening to go back to the guy she slept with, but said she will give up on all things in her life, because of me. im not sure why she has to do that, surely this new guy can help her? Anyway, another stream of messages came through... .

Her: NOW I WILL LIVE EACH DAY HURTING YOU BY BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND LOVING HIM WITH ALL

OF ME

Her: I DO NOT CARE HOW YOU FEEL

Her: SO TALK TO YOURSELF

Her: YOU WILL NOT HEAR FROM ME AGAIN.

Her: THIS WAS YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE TO MAKE UP FOR ALL YOU PUT ME THROUGH.

Her: NOW IM GOING UP AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ME, HEAR FROM ME EVER AGAIN.

Her: NOW D**, YOU WONT TAKE THE CHANCE I GIVE YOU.

Her: MAY YOU ROT IN HELL YOU DUMB LOSER. ALL MUSCLES, NO SUBSTANCE. WITH DICK AS SMALL AS YOUR BRAIN, IF YOU EVEN HAVE BRAINS.

Her: NO MATTER WHAT YOU ACHIEVE IN LIFE, I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS. I LOST EVERYTHING COZ OF YOU.

Her: YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. A FAILURE IN MY EYES YOU ARE THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE UNRELIABLE UNTRUSTWORTHY, IRRESPONSIBLE, INEFFICIENT,  WORTHLESS DUMB.

Her: KNOWING YOU IS MY BIGGEST REGRET. I WASTED SO MUCH OF MY LIFE WITH YOU. 3 YEARS OF SUPPORT? IT WAS HELL. THE WORSE YEARS OF MY LIFE.

Her: I WOULD NEVER HAVE LOST THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS AND PEOPLE IN MY LIFE IF I DIDNT HAVE YOU. EVERYTHING YOU EVER WERE, YOU WERE NEVER WORTH IT. AND WITH THIS NOW, YOU WILL

NEVER BE WORTH IT. YOURE.

Its incredible how she feels like this, I asked her to name something she did for me THIS year... .and she could come up with nothing. i haven't been in physical contact with her for 1 year and 10 months, and she hasn't said anything to show she cares about my life. I was helping her and support her, since her parents had cut her off, and I wanted her to reach her dreams, but it got increasingly difficult to do this when faced with the constant anger, hate and hostility

 

Hey man... .     

Listen... .it's been a while since I have been very familiar with your story.

Can you tell me about your support system?  Do you have friends you regularly hang out with?  A T that you go see on a regular basis?

Is there a T that you have ever gone to see?

What about trusted pastor or something like that.

Catch me up again on why you broke NC... .what was going on when you made that choice.

FF

ive re-instated NO CONTACT, and will not send her any more money

I have some friends and family i can talk to, but Im embarrassed and ashamed of breaking NO CONTACT with her as I promised my parents, and good friends that supported me that I wouldnt try help her again. My brother knows I spoke to her again and is very angry at me, and he has every right to be since he lives with my parents and gets caught up in the anger and sadness, since we both let our parents down by not sorting out our lives properly.

I went to a therapist, and to a life coach, BUT I cannot afford anymore sessions right now. I sent my ex $2k+ that i needed to last me two months, instead Im broke again and in debt, after borrowing to help her reach her dream

Basically, my ex NEEDS money in order to live, prepare for the Bar, which she has failed 3 times before. She is blaming me for putting her under stress for not having the money she needs. However, at several stages over the last 3 years, she blundered, lost, overspent thousands of dollars, AND would month to month blow the budget after several days.

Occasionally we would break up, and i would find a way to rebuild and have my finances slowly returning to normal, i would settle my debt and pa off all expenses. then she would return with 'Emergencies' or need to settle creditors, or they threaten her with legal matters: and all my spare cash, or credit would then go towards 'saving her' again

Right now she has one week before the Bar, but wants another $2k for the month. I JUST sent her that 2-3 weeks ago, and don't have any more money for her. So she then wants me to borrow from friends to make up for it, but i did this before and its not fair on my friends, not fair on me ESPECIALLY whem she is rude and abusive.

All i ever asked from her is to be caring, considerate, loving and supportive. If her behaviour was improving and she generally showed appreciation, i would have found a way to help her 'again', but I just can't do this any more. i sacrifice my life to help her and it means nothing to her, absolutely nothing

Please don't buy into this... .

She does not need the money

Daz... .take a big breath... .relax a bit.  Think about you... .

What do you need to do in order to go visit your T again?

Please make the phone call to schedule the visit... .we can figure out the money in a while.

Can we talk about you... .work on you for a bit here?


FF

A simple phone call, my Therapist asked that I come in for another session (but funds are really tight, I will make go again, eventually its just I must sort out my career, and finances ASAP), If I hadn't sent her the money I needed for myself, I would have had almost two months to sort this out as well as have expenses settled that are overdue. Well i can call, but then I shouldn't really be using the last of my money on therapy when I need to pay for food and expenses.

Okay, so Ive invested 3 years of energy, money, time to get her to this point where she has a 4th chance of writing the Bar and reaching her dreams. But she does NEED financial support for the last month - how does she NOT need the money? How will she live? ... .god, im just going on about her again... okay ... me

You know formflier, I don't need much, besides this drama and break-up, I am living a good life, I get complimented constantly about my physique, I have woman wanting to spend time with me, I have my own home, own car, and I love learning new things and involved in many activities - all good thus far, ONLY the financial mistakes and blunders my ex did, that i helped save her, its ruined my career and life financially. Everything I do requires some money, if im on my own I can pay for everything, and my finances grow, BUT with her EVERYTHING goes to her and im left with nothing. WHAT is THE WORST is the guilt and shaming she puts me through saying "if i loved her i would do this for her" and i buy into that

- but her drama and endless need to be rescued takes its toll and eventually ive dried up all my extra cash, and accrued debt. Until i cannot any longer support her, because i cant even support myself at this point. it takes days or weeks for me to find alternatives ad then im back on my feet, but she discards me in the interim and goes to other guys. then when i have my life sorted out i help her again, but she staggers her demands with 'new emergencies' and i find myself giving more than i can afford all over again

She is manipulating you.  When you stop supporting her, she will be forced to find another way to live.  You are not helping her by giving her money.  I went through this with my partner and I when I stopped giving him money, he turned to other avenues and eventually became responsible for himself.  You are keeping her sick and you don't deserve the abuse.

 

daz_BPD,


Hey... if you can find any way to swing a couple T sessions... .I think that well help you sort things out.

I would focus those sessions on your r/s... sending the money... .and what you are getting out of this r/s.

Also... .why put up with what she is sending your way?

We can help support you here... .but I think there are going to be some nuances that we miss.

FF

Hello My friend:

Your instinct has already given you the solution to this issue.  We are here to help your heart catch up with your brain... .and to help you implement what you already know you should do.

You are like a good soldier fighting a bad cause.  Like a good soldier with all good intentions and all good motives fighting in Hitler's army.  Suppose all this love and care and good thoughts were spent volunteering for Habitat for Humanity or being a mentor for at risk boys or helping in a homeless shelter... .

I call this phenomenon "misplaced altruism".

So, if I have not sent this story to you before, please allow me to do so now.

www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf

By the way, your story resonates with me because my brother is married to this woman... .for the last 21 years.  Still trying to "buy" her affections, still trying to get a kernal of love and gratitude... .now two children later, he is entrenched even further.  I can't even tell you the devastation to our entire family... .

Perhaps we can help you get over the FOG that is choking you at this time... .

Well it may be over, she needed more money for some critical and important things which i did not help her with, and its very likely this means she will be staying with another guy, and or going back to live at home with her family.

 

  Good for you for standing up for yourself.  You never know what will happen in the future, I got back together with mine several years later and he has never again gotten back into trouble where he needed to be bailed out.

Well she messaged me AGAIN asking me to help her, but I simply will continue NO CONTACT until the end of this month at the very least, then see if she managed to get things down on her own.

But really, I'm going to act and behave like I am moving on ,and put this behind me. its been taking up far too much of my life

 

Is there anyway to be able to not see the messages... .until say... .maybe a week from now?  Or whenever you want NC to last.

If you truely want NC... .don't read them.

If you want to create distance... .that is really LC and perhaps a once a week checkin is best.

One of the reasons I think you need to get back to your T ASAP... .is that I think you need guidance figuring out what YOU want.  Once that is determined... .we can help sort out boundaries and actions.

FF