BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to provide an update to my situation.  I noticed my ex was a little sullen at work today so naturally I inquired if everything was ok. She asked if I really wanted to know and I said yes.

She proceeded to tell me about how she had been in a relationship for about the last month (which coincides with the distance I've been receiving and when she went quieter) but was unexpectedly dumped by the new guy today. She said everything was going great, then proceeded to idealize this guy and all his wonderful attributes. Said they had sex on second date (which came as a personal blow because I'd gone sexless for many months in the relationship). He was also idealizing her apparently.

I didn't see any reason why this guy would dump her from what she told me but maybe he picked up on some red flags.

I don't know why I'm posting... .I guess I feel indifferent but also quite sad for her that her worst fears have been made real. Sad for myself also. He's the exact opposite of me and basically an upgrade in every way which hurts. He's also the opposite of her "type" but she was quick to defend that they complemented each other wonderfully.

I took the news better than I expected I would but I can't tell if I'm in shock or I just knew this was coming eventually.

She didn't seem to paint me white or anything. She thanked me for being a good listener and for caring. She also used terms that he "abandoned, betrayed and used" her. But it seems like she was still painting him white/idealizing which seems counter to what I've read about BPD. I thought he'd be enemy #1 but no. She says she blocked him on everything but still praised his amazing personality, looks, skills etc. like he was the perfect dream guy. She called herself worthless.

I tried to validate as best I could while maintaining my own emotions. Part of me felt hurt, bitter and just... .depressed. It's hard to hear about another guy accomplishing what I couldn't. She said he wore the pants in the relationship and she basically worshipped the ground he walked on and did anything he wanted. Whereas me, well... .opposite.

I guess I received answers to some of my undying questions. She gave a little closure. For example, if you want success in a relationship... .don't be a doormat, don't be a follower, don't be submissive, don't be over caring, don't be over emotional, don't tend to their every need. Be a man, be confident, be in control, be dominant, be decisive, don't have expectations. Period. Everything else is just bonus and not required.

I was hoping maybe I'd be viewed in a good light again but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was half expecting immediate idealization but found myself disappointed. (See? Don't have expectations... .when will I learn?)

The key to success is confidence... .but when I have to read self help books to learn how to be a confident alpha male, it makes me feel pretty unconfident  lol the fact that I'm on this forum still ruminating over a relationship that's been dead for months proves I'm not a confident alpha male. Even if I took BPD out of the equation, my ex would have left anyways! Nothing annihilates female attraction faster than a lack of confidence. Lack of confidence is literally female repellant. Even a hint of it will destroy you.

Thankfully, the work to change myself has already begun. It's hard to rewrite all of my circuitry but if I want any happiness in this life... .I must unlearn what I have learned and try something different.

Here's to 2016, a year of change where I stop being a doormat!  |iiii

LG:

I am glad that you have some more closures. Also be careful your being a listener could be construed by her   as being still interested in her and be a opening for a coming back.

Your assessment of being an alpha male in BPD r.s is correct. That could explain why those alpha males don't suffer with BPD because they don't take Sh*t and they don't let BPD to turn them into doormats. My feeling is those who come here generally are not that type. We tend to acquiesce to keep the peace, and thus encourage BPD to be more on the attack.

by the way, don't try to be someone you are not. Just be true to yourself, but ready to let go of those who do not appreciate who you are.  That is the secret to success. "HAVE A MIND THAT IS OPEN TO EVERYTHING, BUT ATTACHES TO NOTHING" as Wayne Dyer put it.

Now, you should get away from her and don't give her any signals. MOVE ON. You will find other women who will make your life much happier and much more relaxed.

My ex... .Door mates,  hmmm.  Let's address the idealization.  Read my ex diary she mentioned loving 3 people.  She dated then all with in a three month period,  they were practically never mentioned again, it's a part of the illness.  You have one to possibly.  Being a good listener is great, perfect tool to be a healthy parent.  So you could be codependency.  Watch a YouTube video on it.  Suffers makes scheme and false social fantasy to mask the illness and protect thier fragile ego.  Yes I could be wrong, but you dated someone with an illness,  doormat.  Maybe loving parter in my view.  I really could be wrong, but watch a 10 YouTube clip and see how you feel.  Oh and my current girlfriend love how sensitive, understanding, do anything for her person I am, she wants to even get married.  Doormat?  It just an absolute term which may not be relevant to you.

Thank you both for your replies!

It's very unique seeing my ex at work, offers a certain perspective. Seeing her again today, there's no sign of sadness or anything to suggest she just went through a breakup. She's happy as can be, interacting with everyone in a bubbly way. I don't even recognize her any more. I really see the chameleon effect in live action. Some parts of her are the same for sure but I just don't see that person that I was with.

There's been no attempt on her part to engage me in any romantic or flirtatious way. I just don't see any interest in trying to recycle me. She's friendly with me but quite distant! Maybe they got back together already! I don't really want to ask though.

As for being codependent, yes I'm pretty sure I have many of the traits unfortunately. I'll check out the youtube clips when I get a chance. Thank you!

LG I'm sorry you have to deal with this   It must really hurt to hear that she was giving this guy some of what you wanted (sex, appreciation, etc). I can promise you that no matter how much of an "alpha male" he was, the relationship would have followed the same patterns that yours did. She wouldn't have kept idealizing him for long, and he wouldn't have been able to keep her uglier BPD traits from showing up. No one can.

I hope you don't try to be someone you're not with all of the dominant alpha male stuff. I don't have much perspective on this as a lesbian who never dated men, but my feeling is that an emotionally healthy straight woman would absolutely LOVE to have a partner like most of the guys on this board. It's good to care about your partner's suffering and attuned to her emotional state instead of laughing her off as a crazy woman (again, if she is emotionally healthy and you are able to set boundaries to protect your own needs and values). It's good to be willing to put in a lot of effort to improve the relationship and examine your own role in unhealthy dynamics. It's important to have boundaries and address any codependency issues so you don't get taken advantage of again, but you can still be sweet and sensitive.