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Hi everyone, it's been a long time since I've been here, years! I've successfully left my uBPDbf and entered into a new rs that seems to be triggering and bringing to the surface all kind of unresolved issues for me. I actually just spent a significant period of time typing the whole thing out here and it wouldn't let me post bc it was too long but it actually gave me a little more clarity in writing it, at least. I started writing it w the point of asking how to deal w my panic around my current bf's cutting me off/silent treatment/fear of engulfment and ended it realizing I think he's reacting pretty normally to my behaviors and feelings due to a fear of abandonment  Although I think he still might have some BPD tendencies. I don't think either of us meet the full criteria but w me anyway there is definitely stuff going on!

Anyway, there is an exceedingly complicated backstory and history to our rs leading up to this point and even what I thought was an annotated version was too long to post so I guess I'll stick more to my immediate issue. Basically our rs has been a forbidden rs for career reasons so it's been quite complicated and stressful but it's also the first rs in my life that I've felt completely safe and taken care of and free to open up and be vulnerable (I'm 42 BTW, not my first rs rodeo, been married etc). I'm realizing I have probably effectively transferred all of my unresolved attachment needs onto him and it's all of a sudden too much. He, being a guy, has a tendency to shut down and we had had one incident where he actually shut down, cut me off/ended the rs after some pretty severe/significant logistical problems bc of our situation, but that's what caused me to start thinking maybe he had BPD bc it was so "other" to his normal, rational, compassionate self, and when I started to treat the situation as a BPD dysregulation/fear of engulfment he responded really well. That was 3 months ago and nothing of that sort had happened again, we don't have conflict or arguments etc. Except I'm realizing how completely inept I am at asking for my needs to be met to the point where ended up letting things build up over time and then completely blindsiding/overwhelming him w telling him I was in this desperate abandonment panic bc I didn't feel I was a priority to anyone, at which point he tried to be understanding but wasn't saying the right things (bc I wasn't being clear that it was HIM I didn't feel I was a priority to), which only reinforced my feelings that I was accurate abt this assumption of mine. He kept saying "I'm sorry babe, are you OK, I know how that feels" which to me at the time meant he was saying "I'm sorry I can't make you a priority and at this point just pity you and have no sensitivity at all to how you're feeling"... wow just realizing this as I'm writing it how BPD that was of me wow! The distorting! Anyway finally he said "What can I do to help?" At which point I said "Well aren't you clearly saying you can't help?" and then he shut down (I can't imagine why!)

Then I sent a message explaining more directly that I didn't feel like a priority to him (our schedules are crazy busy, we don't live near each other, we both live w family making sleeping over difficult, etc) and that that was fine but it meant I'd need to re-prioritize my life as well. That when we "came out" w our rs that it was supposed to make us more connected and be able to spend more time bc we weren't having to hide but that I felt more disconnected than ever and that we just needed to be on the same page and communicate. He pulled back and stopped responding to me and I kept sending lengthy messages as I processed the situation, taking more responsibility for the situation that I hadn't communicated what I needed, etc. He had traumatized me before w the cut-off that happened and had promised he'd never do it again although it's happened again :///// Not the break-up part but he's just gone silent now.

He had actually read all these messages I was sending and we were starting to re-connect through texting and I figured I'd see him Mon night and we'd talk bc that's our night but starting on Fri night he just stopped responding entirely w the exception of responding to a cpl of funny things I wrote. I was trying to seem light abt the situation that it wasn't this huge heavy pressure and had sent him a bunch of other messages to that effect, taking responsibility for making him responsible for my feelings etc etc etc, but he hasn't read them and I'm feeling insanely triggered. I decided 4 days ago to just stop messaging him entirely, I told him I would stop bc he was obviously shut down and he had told me after the last time that he does do that bc he freezes and can't process info and also from last time I knew that he gets irrational and can't process facts even when they are put in front of him, if his mind is made up when he's in that state then it's made up (another thing that made me think BPD lol).

So... .I'm in this abandonment panic and it's annihilating me. I feel like this is his way of ending the rs like last time, cutting me off, and to make it worse he's refusing to read my messages so I have no control. I'm trying to keep it in perspective considering how he feels and that he needs time but I feel like I'm dying. It makes no rational sense that I'd never hear from him again considering the seriousness of his rs, we've met each other's kids, and he just doesn't act impulsively in ways that affect his kids but maybe that doesn't matter to him now idk, he could easily tell them we just broke up, although then they'd tell their mother and I don't think he would want others to know this info without telling me first. I'm torn between this is more me than him and in any case what I should do now. He told me before he would never go completely silent for more than week, so is that the point I should make contact if he does go that long? I need to know if this is an end to the rs or not! I'm so panicked. Yesterday I decided I needed to do something abt this abandonment pain and ordered a workbook from Susan Anderson(?) and have been going through it but I reached a point where I felt like it was hard to apply bc I don't even know if this is an abondonment or not and he's not allowing me to communicate w him. What do I do?

Calm down, don't make rash decisions and announcements, and try to absorb that your zigging and zagging is confusing to him, and mostly, that your overwhelming doubts and need for reassurance would be hard for anyone else deal with without a few hiccups. He was trying. ("How can I help?" You were bitter and scared ("aren't you saying you can't help?". This is not a disaster, but you'll make it worse if you continue to make him feel like no matter what reasonable and basically OK things he does, he can't do enough, can't meet your needs, makes you unhappy, is failing you. No one likes to hear that.

I'd say less is more right now. You've been swamping him. Find a way to show him or let him know in due course that you realize you've been responding fearfully because of issues in your past. You realize he is not causing it, and though it would be good for you two to be able to process small misunderstans and state needs, this has snowballed because of your past experiences. That you will get a grip with help from other resources. Then make a joke of some kind and mean what you say and use other resources (meditation, therapy, meds) to manage your anxiety so you can show up and really process what he IS saying and doing, not what you fear.

He's responding when you're light because he needs you to get your emotional house in order and was probably hoping the light msgs signaled that you were doing so.

Hello thank you for replying, yes I actually did start to tell him that this was my own stuff and exactly everything else that you're saying but he won't read the messages  I know I could articulate things even better and more concisely so as not to overwhelm him more right now but the fact he hasn't read my messages as far as I know means he's not even processing any of it. I think he's probably shut off notifications from me on the texting app we use so I'd have to send him an email or something but idek if he would/could read that right now and besides it's probably too soon. I just don't know how long to wait, I'm feeling so panicky and desperate. I've never felt this way before in my life. I feel so ashamed for being so weak and stupid. I feel I should have known better I am in a helping profession.

I realize I've transferred an entire life full of not getting what I needed onto him and that I now need to rely on myself to save me from this and not him. I'm realizing through writing all this out earlier how brutally witholding I am toward myself, punishing almost, to the point where it's like I'm trying to see how much I can take before I break and someone has to take care of me, bc that's the only acceptable condition under which I can accept/ask for my needs to be met... :'( I never thought all this would get so out-of-control...

I just sent him an email w the gist of what you were saying and am just trying to just let things go now. I did say I knew he was taking space and should do that at his own pace but if his silence meant more than that to please don't be afraid to tell me.

I have so much anxiety and panic right now it's the best I can do, I couldn't bear having to wait indefinitely until I sent him another message. As it is I feel horrible now bc I'm again waiting for him to respond to me but I guess I need to just accept the reality that this might be just his way of breaking up w me :/ Which makes little rational sense but in my head I am convinced that this is happening and I'll never hear from him again. Esp since he's gone silent before and then broken up w me (bc I was super reactive), but how long would it have been if I hadn't messaged him that time? How long do I wait before I decide it's the end of the rs? How do I explain this to my daughter who loves him and when? Why am I having such irrational panic and anxiety over this? I seriously have to just start grieving the loss of the rs bc I can't stand this limbo it is unbearable, not knowing if he's just taking space or if he's breaking up w me. I could even handle a breakup if I felt like he had heard everything I had to say before he made the decision but this is awful, now I'm worried like what if he doesn't see the email/it gets lost somehow in his email list of messages wow I feel so crazy ://///

It's so odd that the fear of possible impending abandonment is worse than the idea of having to deal w the loss of the rs? Like the not knowing? If I knew I would feel like I had more of a sense of control but right now I'm stuck in this awful limbo. I know you said this wasn't a disaster but to me it's a disaster that I "know" is happening but just hasn't yet and it's killing me.

I feel like him totally ignoring me last Monday on the night we usually get together, refusing to answer my phone call, and then the next morning just replying "Hey" when I sent him something short and funny seems like such a clear indication it's over? Plus the fact he knows abt my anxiety w him not responding to me, I feel like he just checked out entirely from caring, which I suppose would make sense, but for how long gahhh this is terrible... .I have like a small speaker system at his house how long long should I wait until I say ummmmm OK I guess we're broken up now can you get my speakers to me?

You poor thing, its sounds to me like you are having an immense long lasting panic attack and have tied yourself in a horrible twisted knot. I have done this also and trust me I know exactly how it feels. The need to put things right and explain yourself because surely if you can do that he will understand and all will be well. You know when you see a child ramping up for a huge tantrum, one where they are totally out of control, that's what my brain was doing, like starting out as a small snowball and rolling it down hill so it picked up more snow and got bigger and bigger. These are probably cr*p analogies but they do explain how I felt my brain was running out of control. Not a 10 minute panic attack but one that goes on for days. Well in the end I started treating it as a small panic attack. I breathed in and out into a paper bag for what seemed like hours, I calmed myself down slightly, to a point where I could divide a piece of paper in two and write what was happening on one side and what I would like to happen on the other. What was real that I had actual proof of and what was something I only thought might be. This is so hard to explain, not sure I am making sense but several huge and I mean huge lists later and piles of soggy paper bags I was able to read my lists and even laughed at some of it. I was also able to write a relatively calm and rational letter to my then partner and I posted it in the old fashioned way, no emails no texts, no flick of a button delete stuff. He told me afterwards that getting a letter with a stamp on through his door intrigued him enough to sit down and read it and because I had calmed myself down the content wasn't needy and panicky and scary enough to frighten him off we met and talked and had a greater understanding of each other. The fact that a year later he actually ran off with the bloke from next door is immaterial to this, at least it wasn't another woman :). My paper bags where far better than the anti anxiety drugs my doctor prescribed, each to their own I guess. Sorry if I have been no help whatsoever but believe me I do know where you are at right now so you are not alone.   xx

Thank you so much for responding it was very helpful :) And yes I know what you mean, a panic attack that doesn't end where I'm shaking and my hair stands on end and I feel like I'm going to throw up and my head is just swirling w this impending breakup. Even though virtually everyone who hears the description of this situation tells me the same thing, I'm overreacting and I overwhelmed him etc etc, I don't see it that way :/ Bc we had been talking OK after he felt overwhelmed and I was keeping things light and then he disappeared for a week and still nothing... in fact he was more silent this wk than the wk before when I had been reactive in the first place. I'm going to post the email I sent him tonight, the first thing I've sent him since Tues morning when I kust said GM and made a joke... I would think that my giving him space and keeping it light would have made him feel more comfortable talking to me but I guess not :/ That paper idea seems like a good idea mayve I will try that :)

This was the email I sent him w the subject line "This isn't too long, I just want to let you know that I'm OK and hope you are :)"


I have so much I want to say but I will try and make this short! I am so sorry for letting my own issues affect our rs and you. There are things that are coming to the surface abt insecurity and abandonment and anxiety and panic that I've never addressed apparently, but I felt safe w someone for the first time and that's why they are bubbling up to the surface. None of this is your responsibility to manage, it's mine. Which I have been taking steps to address this wk as far as like getting help for myself bc I don't want this to sabotage our rs any more than it already has bc I distort things and react w feeling abandoned and w anxiety and panic.

To keep this brief I also want to say that I don't want there to be this pressure abt more commitment or more time spent together, it's really more an issue of communicating better I think and for me to take responsibility for my own needs and feelings and not expecting you to just be aware of and meet them without telling you.

I know you've told me your silence means you need time to think and process which is fine, you should do that at your own pace. I guess I'm just confused bc we were talking OK and then it's been abt a week that we basically haven't talked at all and you had told me before that you would never need a week off to process lol which makes me feel like you are agonizing over feeling like you would like to break up and not knowing how/wanting to avoid the conversation/afraid of hurting me. I hate that if you really are that stuck that I could probably help you figure things out but you won't let me lol... but I mean please don't be afraid to tell me if that's how you feel, that's not what I want but I would rather know and at least have the opportunity for us both to talk abt our feelings first to make sure that's really what you want. 

OK I hope this wasn't too long, Happy Halloween I hope you have a great day :)

As soon as I sent it though I felt immediately re-abandoned as he's not responding and I'm still hung up on when would I shift from assuming it's just him taking space to this is it I'm not going to hear from him again :/ It sounds so irrational probably and the people close to me that know the situation and/or have met him etc say that they can't imagine that that would be the case but my brain has already decided it is :/ Even my logical brain when I think abt it doesn't think he'd so something so "unstable" where his kids have met me etc (break-up w me without telling me) but where he's done something weird like this before I can't help but be terrified :'((

Sadly, did your guy do the same thing, just disappear after some sort of situation and refuse to respond to you and how long did it take him after you wrote the calm letter lol? It panics me that I've been quiet and/or light for 5 says until today and then what I sent him I think wasn't too crazy... it was a lot of the same type of stuff I had sent in my extremely lengthy messages that he hasn't read yet from last weekend/Monday (I can tell from the texting app we use) which is so frustrating. But you'd think he'd at least acknowledge me in some way if he wasn't breaking up w me? It makes no sense, like he's totally withdrawn his investment in the rs and how I feel, knowing I have anxiety over this. He could at least tell me hey yeah just need more time, or something. I feel like he's torturing me :///// I just don't see this as a hopeful sign at all after this length of time and blowing me off when we had plans :'(( I see it as basically a done deal and he just hasn't told me yet and maybe he won't :'((

I'm sure you are sweetheart and that terror becomes a monster, a living breathing thing that takes over rational thought. Can I be totally honest? when people write that it means they are going to be  lol so I hope I don't hurt you as you seem to have enough pain already. Reading that email as a complete outsider to me it started off well but towards the end pure panic shone right out of every sentence. How could it not, you were writing what you feel but it is pressurising him to make choices, talk to you, decide if he wants to be with you or not. And lets be fair, why shouldn't you want to know but maybe he is not ready to talk. You cant make him ready, it has to come from him and if as you say people who know him think he wants to be with you then try and accept it. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to sit and wait but he knows you, he knows how you feel about him. You cant make him ready to talk but you can push him away. All sounds very logical doesn't it, but when your brains in overload and your heart is jumping through your skin it's not logical at all, logic and emotion do not walk hand in hand. I cant be much help I know this but I can tell you that I feel for you very much and you can message me whenever you want if it helps pass the waiting time. 

Gah oh no really? I tried so hard to just let him know that if that's how he was feeling that I just wanted to know rather than wait but yeah I guess I see how you're right DAMMITTTT. My rational mind has told me all wk partly that he is staying out of contact bc he doesn't want to break up w me and he's afraid he might be reactive like last time if he does contact me and silence is the better of those 2 options he feels... .idkkk it's soo hard to tell bc then my "gut" tells me "wow who are you kidding! Obviously he's gone from attentive and loving and v invested in the rs to witholding, what else could this mean?" I guess my brain has this meaning assigned to that type of behavior and it's a really bad, bad meaning and it feels like the more rational meaning that everyone is telling me just doesn't fit w what he's doing although I can intellectually understand it :/// Omg I can't believe I just probably made things worse, I tried so hard not to. I felt so good and strong earlier this wk and last night but woke up w panic this morning and I feel so pathetic and weak and I'm angry at myself bc if I wasn't like this I wouldn't be ruining this rs :'(( Whatever it is abt myself that makes me like this I need to fix I guess I need to go back to my abandonment workbook :/ Part of this is bc this is the rs I've always wanted, I felt like finally I was going to have everything I needed, how do you not feel like that when you're in a really close connected rs that you've been yearning for that has all the elements you're looking for?

Hey, will you stop being so hard on yourself. What I wrote is how I saw it, others may see it in a completely different way. I can only tell you what someone on here told me and it was very hard. Wait, yes, read your book, keep in touch with your rational mind, when it surfaces grab it with both hands and hang on to it as long as you can and wait. Have long warm baths with candles and stuff. I know I do know how hard this is. I used to read that advice and think baths, candles, I cant make it from one room to another without collapsing on the floor in tears. But strangely enough, when I finally started to do it, it did calm me gradually bit by bit. If you ever read my early posts you will see what I mean. Weak, pathetic, angry with myself. You name it, and after a few good weeks this last week I had a bad relapse but I seem to be recovering more quickly this time. The other thing that helped was reading and replying to other peoples posts. I can tell you I spent hours on these boards before I dared to respond to someone else's cry for help and it truly helps, I promise. It focuses your mind outside of your own problems, sure it makes for sad reading at times but it does work. So many have described this place as a lifeline, use it.   xx

Yes I was doing really well w all of that this week... I am so glad it is finally night and my son is asleep and I have an excuse to just curl up in bed, my life is so busy I am always "on" I am in a helping profession and listen and help people all the time and when I'm not doing that I'm taking care of my kids or driving around. This guy was like a way out of my life the way it was or is. I don't have anything or anyone else, no other connections really that are available to me. So it's no wonder I saw him as the ultimate thing.

I have a couple questions.   Did he cut you off/ shut you out without first explaining that he needed some time to himself?  Or did he just bring things to a stop with no words?  This is important because if he did not say anything first then yes, it is an abandonment of sorts, and it was likely done out of emotional reaction of feeling helpless and not having a deeper understanding.  It became more about him, than you. Often, guys like to fix our problems (before they learn it's better to just listen) and when they can't fix it then after a time, they just give up.  If he told you he needed space then he did not necessarily abandon you, but at the same time, he couldn't cope with the relationship. And depending on the content of your messages to him, you could be either driving him further away or giving him positive things to think about, only he has not had the time he needs yet.  If you are in panic mode, it's likely you are driving him further away. As extremely difficult as this is... .and I KNOW... .because I have been there... .if he is going to come back it will only be after you get back into your calm centered state and make some acknowledgments to him and give HIM space to come to you and express himself.  In my case, the person did come back... .but it was after an extended period of me coming to grips with myself.

The other question I have for you is how long have you been involved with him?  I'm not asking how long you have known him but how long you have been involved romantically/intimately?   When I see you say that "this isn't like him,"  I want to say, but yes it IS like him.  It can take a couple years of having a romantic relationship with someone to actually know who and how they are.  It could be that he isn't usually that way but when pushed to the extreme, he is.   It would be best to accept this as a possibility then to categorically deny it.  I'm also thinking that with all the restrictions in your relationship, it hasn't been able to grow at the rate it would in a normal open one, so that would affect how long it takes to truly get to know someone, too.

I wish you peace.  I hope you can create some space for others to come into your life.  New friends, new books, new activities. It's too much to put it all on our significant other, even under the best of circumstances.  Sadly's post is exactly right... .warm baths... .they calm us inside and out.  When I was going through this, I took a lot of baths, lol, soaking and reading and just plain getting myself through it.  Things got better eventually. I started getting myself back and it sure felt great, even alone.  There is peace in that. 

One more thing.  This person you are talking about. He is going to have his own communication issues and need your acceptance as much as you need his.  I've been told over and over that water typically seeks its own level, meaning that healthy people don't get involved with unhealthy people and vice versa.  I would worry less about who to blame and just assume there was mistakes on both sides.  It does sound like you are wanting him to be your savior.  He might like that a little bit... .but only when it works... .when he can truly feel like he's saved you. In truth,  though, we can only save ourselves, so to speak.   

Thanks for responding :) Well when he first started to shut down last wk (right after I told him it didn't seem like he couldn't fix what was wrong... come to think of it the last time this happened I was in a mood like that too GAH!), he didn't totally go silent, even though I was sending him long messages etc, at one point he said he was sorry for not being in contact that it was just a lot of info. He started to talk more for the rest of the week last week but nothing abt this, I was trying to lay off... I was really bothered and hurt and would avoid his questions abt how I was feeling/doing (I seem to go out of my way to make sure my needs are not met bc I really wanted to talk to him abt how I was feeling)... but mostly it was normal superficial stuff, no like terms of endearment or anything but that was fine I knew he needed time to come back. Then Fri night he just stopped talking to me basically. I let Sat day and night go by and then Sun morning I sent him another long text (and all of these that I was sending were positive and should have been helping to diffuse the whole situation, I was taking responsibility, saying he really did nothing wrong, that he was a great bf etc etc), nothing was sending was needy or insecure bc I wasn't even really feeling that way then bc he was talking to me. So Sun I sent another long thing and then a short funny text and he joked back and that was fine, except the next day was Monday and that's our usu night we spend together. At this point, knowing my anxiety abt not hearing from him bc of the last situation, if he was invested in continuing the rs and invested in my feelings at all I would have expected him to at least acknowledge me. Idk   I had told him we didn't even have to talk we could just be in the moment and enjoy each other or whatever. NOTHING. He sent my call to VM. THAT is the point that I realized that wow this feels like it's shifting from needing to take space, to creating distance bc he wants to break up. He has told me before he gets into this shut-down mode but that it would never last more than week and it's been like 2 although 3 days is the longest he hasn't heard from me  Also, we've been seeing each for 6 months to answer your question...

It's the non-acknowledgement that is killing me really. And despite how I sound here I've been mindful to keep regulated in my messages as much as possible, but maybe even too regulated where he feels like he doesn't have to worry about me? Last time this happened I tweaked out so in comparison I am responding pretty healthy and regulated given my actual level of panic.  I posted my last email to him earlier, I sent it today. I tried to give him permission to take the time he needs but if he wants to break up to please don't avoid me, don't be scared to tell me. I thought this sounded OK but now I think that sounded bad :/

It's odd bc my rational mind can make sense of it at times esp if I try not to focus on the time factor it's been, but then there are certain triggers that send me off the rails, like looking at him in my message list and seeing he hasn't responded etc... I try to put my phone away a lot so I'm not preoccupied w getting messages or not but when I do look at it there's this brutal wave of abandonment that comes at times...

I check my phone for messages from my ex all the time ... .hoping and dreading at the same time.  When I see nothing I am not surprised, but I do feel abandon and forgotten.  I highly doubt she is doing the same.  It is tough to deal with those emotions.

Yes that's the thing last wk when I went off the rails he was too busy to reply to me yet I spent all day focused on it. I'm sure that's overwhelming for a guy to hear however :/

It is possible he really was too busy to answer or didn't see it.  Try not to let your mind run away with possible scenarios or they will eat you alive.  I know, I have been gnawed on until there is almost nothing left.

Yes there are certain times when I know he is busy but when you don't acknowledge someone at all on a day when you had plans w them that's something totally different :/ The non-acknowledgement kills me it feels so disrespectful and like it's like a signal he's sending that is telling me the direction in which this is going bc he doesn't want to get my hopes up etc and is doing that to lay the groundwork for the breakup lol although he should already know that only lays the groundwork for a panic attack as far as I'm concerned lol... .I mean he had already explained after last time that he does this shut-down thing and just needs time and space but I guess we did not cover that non-acknowledgement to me is awful... like don't just assume I'm really clear abt what you're doing as far as taking space... maybe that's what he thinks bc I've actually played it pretty cool w him compared to how I sound here so perhaps he thinks I'm doing OK and doesn't need to worry abt reassuring me... esp since I sent him an email yesterday just letting him know I was OK and explaining a cpl things that I don't think he even had read in my other messages last wk in the texting app we use yet... and just saying to not be afraid to have the breakup conversation if this is what this means lol... gah but my rational brain says that he can't have a break-up conversation in this state without being reactive and he promised never to do that again to me, and I can't even, hypothetically imagine the basis for a regulated break-up conversation, knowing how he is normally. It makes no sense based on our rs, this isn't like a chronic problem it's something that has recently come up that we haven't even been able to talk through yet... its frustrating that when we do its something that could be so quickly resolved w some clarification... he gets these idea in his head when he's like this and last time anyway it was all distorted and caused this huge thing when it didn't have to if he had the right information but it's like he can't let any new info in when he's like this I have to remember that :/ *sigh* I think he probably feels helpless and is worried that this is going to be a chronic problem and since I told him he can't do anything abt it when I myself was dysregulated he's taking that to be true and now can't take any new info in bc he was triggered again for some reason, bc we had been talking... gah idek...

Ironically, my ex uBPDbf texted me out of the blue last night for the 1st time in 3 months saying he missed me and was having issues w his new gf... lol... they have this radar!

I forgot to add that I had also said in my message yesterday to take his time he should do this at his own pace... I had told him that at the beginning of the wk also... gah I guess I forget that I have presented to him relatively calm so he thinks it's OK maybe to not acknowledge me idk... but on the other hand, if he thinks I'm OK and calm shouldn't that be having a different effect on him than this? That's another thing that makes me feel like this is a breakup bc my efforts at giving him space etc don't seem to be working :'(

I was just reading some quotes from Men are From Mars... and it talks abt men needing to be needed which would make sense why he was triggered when I told him he clearly seemed to not be able to help me... gah... and the last time this happened I was in that sort of mood also... yet "neediness" is what caused me to dysregulate in the first place which then triggered him so that is confusing to me bc you'd think if men needed to be needed he wouldn't be being repelled by my neediness now... except I haven't even sounded needy... gah but maybe knowing that I HAVE been feeling needy and blindsiding him w it and then telling him he can't help... gah... and then I've been telling him that it's my responsibility and not his to manage my own needs, I wonder how he hears that?

In this case it is not only disrespectful but rude.  I would be upset as well.

Yes I tend to agree and I feel like that point gets lost in this whole scenario bc it's really only that piece, the non-acknowledgement piece (esp on a day we had plans, when feeling like I'm not a priority is now this known issue, and knowing I feel panicked when he pulls away bc last time he reactively broke up w me when he did that) that is problematic for me. We had talked abt him checking in and just letting me know if it was going to be more than a day that he needed to signal to me that he was only taking space as opposed to ending the rs or something and he had agreed to that. So yes I'm thinking he's obviously dysregulated and prob has a touch of BPD at least and is perhaps feeling v ashamed and angry that I blindsided him w what he prob feels is his incompetence and inadequacy... so maybe this is a bit punishing as well toward me and he's not able to take in any of the words I've sent to help him re-frame this at all :/

Maybe he's feeling smothered and overwhelmed?  Perhaps you are pushing him too hard, expecting to much from him at this stage? 

I can only speak from my own experience, but when my ex kept pushing for something, my tendency was to withdraw because I simply didn't know how to respond at times.  This was particularly true when she had done something that hurt me.  I just didn't have the words ... .and instead of "speaking" out in anger I remained silent until I got my emotions under control.  I wasn't trying to punish her by remaining silent, I quite literally couldn't find anything to say because the words were a jumbled mess in my head. 

That actually sounds a lot like what he has descried this "shutting down" to be like couples w the fact that he knows he hurt me really bad last time this happened when he responded to me, breaking up w me reactively... I don't feel like I've been pushy although I suppose he could have a different perspective on that given the torrent of emotion he had to absorb from me recently... although I quickly got it together and we were doing better over the wk and then all of a sudden he just cut off contact for the most part and then just stopped reading my messages even though my messages weren't reactive, I was just trying to take responsibility and clarify things for him and maybe give him some insight into what might be bothering him... I have a mental health background I'm sure that is probably overwhelming to him at times at least :/ It's definitely frustrating though bc as time goes on I'm gaining more and more perspective on the whole thing and I want to share it w him but he seems not to be ready :/ Like I want to tell him that I don't think he's inadequate or a failure at all... etc etc :/// And maybe something

I have this awful nagging anxiety though that when a guy stops acknowledging you when there hasn't been any additional triggers that you've done specifically then that's a way of them ending the rs ://///

Honestly, no matter what you say to him he will not hear what you are saying until he is ready to listen.  I too am conflicted with feeling the need to share my insight with my ex.  Problem is, when I did it during our relationship it mostly fell on deaf ears.  Regardless of how many different ways I could explain something in an attempt to gain her understanding, she didn't/couldn't/wouldn't hear what I was saying. 

Even now I feel this need to gain her understanding because I don't think she really gets it.  Problem with this thinking is no matter how I phrase it or how many times I repeat it, if she isn't receptive, open and really listening it won't make a bit of difference.  I can't force her to understand me no more than you can force him to understand you.

Yes I am aware lol... last time this happened he clearly got upset abt something but the facts were wrong so I clarified them for him a hundred different ways through text but he can't absorb new info that way. In person/over the phone would be different I KNOW it would but when he shut down he won't answer his phone nor see me, it's soo effing frustrating bc it's stuff that could be so easily cleared up really! And he denies me access to do that UGGHHH. So yeah I guess I just need to wait it out...

And come up w a different plan for these shut-downs in the future bc they aren't working for us very well lol... if he comes back  :'(

Senra,

You and I are a lot alike in this respect.  We feel a driving need to be heard and understood.  We feel the need to gain their understanding, to "make" them see what we see.  It's not necessarily about forcing them to agree with us but rather trying to "make" them see our point of view.  When they don't we get frustrated and we try to think of better more logical ways to have our voice heard.  At best this is pushy, controlling and aggressive, at its worst it is manipulative and abusive.  I think this is especially a problem for pwBPD  because their emotions are in such turmoil that they likely can't hear or understand anything we say.

The problem is our approach.  We are engaged in unidirectional communication, which is not communication at all.  We would have better success talking to a wall.  We can send a hundred texts and emails saying the same thing over and over again, rephrasing it in a hope to finally be heard, but it won't help because they are not receptive to our words and thoughts, particularly if being receptive involves them having to look inward.

Until they are ready to engage in bidirectional communication we should probably just take a deep breath and step back.

Yes, in my case it's the need for him to hear me so at least I know I've done everything I can. I KNOW if I was able to talk to him in-person that this wouldn't be happening (he's even indicated this before) but he shuts me out. I'm actually really good at validating the whole BPD dynamic when I've wrapped my mind around what's happening but unfortunately I took too long this time and the system shut down on me :/ So now I have to wait and focus on the irrationality that I won't ever hear from him again and that alleviates the panic if I can trust and believe that. Also once I hopefully hear from him then even if it's bad I also know from experience that it will give me something to work with bc he will be in a place to do that...

How I dealt w it last time was to just accept that he wanted to break up but at the same time I used logic and reason to express that if this really was the best decision then having a regulated conversation abt it together in person wasn't going to change that but that I already knew he was misunderstanding things so I wanted to make sure he was making an informed decision. And I would accept whatever that informed decision was also. That totally worked to start to shift things like immediately. But he was also in a place to hear that even if he had a ways to go from there...

I also find it helps to find ways to believe that they are lucky to have us, to see the situation the way others see it often as w us having the upper hand "Omg they won the lottery being w you they must be crazy" and like get to a place or back to a place where you feel like you have the upper hand bc you really do have so much to offer and etc, and then when you look at what they are doing, they just seem... silly and broken... and genuinely having a hard time... .instead of having all this power to annihilate us! It helps for me to see him as that I've wounded him unintentionally and now he's hiding and I have to wait for him to come back out so I can explain to him what I really meant... w me being the one w the power. Kind of like the way you think abt dealing w a strong-willed child, when you can be regulated and wise w your kids you won't engage in power struggles w them, you let them have their emotions and then you wait for them to regulate so they can listen to you. And you don't take it personally when they scream that they hate you and want to run away, you help them deal w their emotions when they are able to so that hopefully doesn't keep happening. But there isn't usu panic and fear in that dynamic bc it's easier to recognize that even an angry, hurt child w attachment issues really needs us and feels horribly vulnerable and knows on a level that you hold the power... I'm trying to use this analogy today to help me... lol

You have to get to a place where you believe you have the control, like a parent does, even though you can't really control your child really nor should you try, but you're the leader, you're in charge of how things go... I think that perspective can really help us feel better at least and obviously cause productive shifts hopefully...

The last/first time this happened in our rs, when I got to the place that I described where I was able to just accept where he was at, I had SO much confidence bc at that point I really just let go of the outcome which is really powerful, bc I believed that there was no way he would make a regulated decision to break up based on the correct information, I feel like I would feel like this again it's just that I have this abandonment trigger that is just awful that gets in the way during the uncertainty of this limbo period :/

Personally, I don't feel the need to be "in control", I am more concerned with being heard and understood.  I don't want to play conductor to her symphony of emotions ... .it serves no purpose.  If I were to engage her like this, I would simply be creating a duplicate of myself.  This is not what I want.  I always encouraged her to be independent in form and thought.  I have always felt it important in a relationship that each person maintain/keep their individuality.  It is dangerous ground IMO when a couple becomes a single entity at the cost of their own personal identity.  One body ... .one mind ... .etc... .

There were times when she looked to me to "direct" her feelings and emotions, but I refused to and instead tried my best to help her help herself.

Yes... except I don't mean necessarily control over the person but rather control over the dynamic bc that's always largely dependent on the way we feel abt it. If we feel like they have power over us it's going to have the power to inflict a lot of pain. If we believe we are in control of ourselves then we can control our perceptions and beliefs and feelings...

UPDATE: wow so my worst fear was confirmed last night, the anxiety and panic finally became too debiliating and something just felt so WRONG so I messaged him and he replied w almost the verbatim thing of what happened before in our rs that absolutely traumatized me "I just can't do this anymore... I'm sorry... there's nothing to figure out... I'm just not ready for a rs... I don't know what else to say, you've done nothing wrong, you've asked for nothing, it's me...

UGGGHHHHHH there aren't even words... luckily I happened to be near his house so I drove there and thank god he was there, he let me in and we talked and I cried and hyperventilate and asked a million questions and he felt bad and said he couldn't believe he was on this end of it this time that his ex-wife had done this to him so many times and he nvr understood how someone cld just shut down that way but that's what happened... so I ended up staying over and just having him hold me while I cried in bed lol which he was good abt doing and just lay there awake all night trying to make sense of it from what little he could identify abt his feelings...

It appears that he is in a dissociative state, just shut down, detached from basically all feelings although he said he does have feelings for me still but he's just detached from them although he doesn't feel "love" for me right now he said... he doesn't remember really anything over the past 2 wks (although I can clearly see the pattern and triggers and etc)... he said he just little by little started losing interest in having a rs, he couldn't tell me when (although looking back I can identify exactly how this happened now... )... he said it wasn't me that he lost interest in it was having the rs the way it was and he didn't know how to tell me so he was avoiding me (I knew it)... I said so it nvr occurred to you to identify when this started to happen and say. Need to take space, let's re-define things, etc? The only solution to you really seems to just throw everything away? And he's like yeah I don't know how to think like that I guess and/or have the words... ahhhhhhh!

So I've accepted that this is what it is that I can't make him do anything but what I dd do is give him an idea since he seemed to be struggling w a direction and I said no pressure it's just an idea since I know you still have feelings for me, maybe we cld just hang out nxt Mon night as always and not have to talk abt or process any of this stuff and see if that felt OK or not for both of us and if it did maybe we cld just leave the boundary there and that cld just be our rs for now and if not then that's OK too... I said try not to feel guilty for hurting me that won't help me or you and I will accept whatever our rs is or isn't going to be, it seems we "aren't together" right now and that's OK and you can take my suggestion or leave it but that's an example of a way to maybe try to find another alternative to the expectations and pressures of a "serious rs" since honestly both of us were reacting to that and each other... bc you didn't indicate that you were opposed to perhaps doing that lol...

So I might post this question in a new thread but is there anything else I can do to ease this disassociation he's in, like I know that he was slowly detaching once we started becoming closer and then I reacted and I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late and then he reacted to me reacting... and I think that the actual "disocciation" came over the last wk especially and seemed to be probably prolonged by the stress/fear of having to have the conversation w me so I'm hoping that I eased at least some of his stress but is there anything else I can do, like I know I've read that you are "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" so wld it help to just maybe send him a text here and there just Gm have a good day or whatever, to maybe help w grounding him? Or should I just leave it be in his hands and trust that if he's willing and able to be in contact w me he will no matter what?

It's an extremely painful experience when we lose someone we love, especially when there was once tremendous closeness.  When we have our own scars it can indeed be traumatic.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I went through similar and I know how awful and agonizing this is.

As to what you should do, I think it's time to let go.  I know that's the last thing you want to do right now - it was for me too - but it is the best, most loving thing you can do.  It was a real gift that your ex has given you in seeing you again and spending time with you.  He clearly cares very deeply for you, and this is likely something that is terribly difficult for him too.  Now you can give him a similar gift by letting him go.  The problem is that the relationship has become dysfunctional, and it is causing suffering for both of you.  This isn't really anyone's fault.  Not yours.  Not his.  It's simply a result of the relationship dynamics that have developed, and his disorder is playing a part in that, but it is only part of a larger story.

pwBPD have many special needs in relationships.  It is a very difficult task for anyone to be able to meet these needs, especially when we have our own issues.  One of the hardest, most bitter lessons I've learned in life is that two people can love one another deeply, but still not be able to make a relationship work.  With a relationship involving BPD this is unusually true, which is why so many of these relationships fail.  The truth is that your ex is likely making the best decision for himself and his wellbeing.  Ultimately, this is in your best interest too.  There is nothing healthy about being in a relationship where our deepest fears, anxieties, and pains are being triggered.  It sounds like this was true for both of you.  It was for me and my ex too.  It took me a long time to realize this, but it has been a critical insight.

Only by separating can both of you begin to address and repair these issues.  If your ex can find the strength to avoid jumping into a new relationship and once again repeating the dysfunction, there is genuine hope for his recovery.  It is to his credit that he realizes something is wrong.  This is also your chance to begin to address these deep anxieties that you are feeling.  Rushing into a new relationship would similarly deny you this opportunity.  I have come to see that we are often more similar to our loved one with BPD than we initially realize.

Posting here and working with a therapist would be a wonderful way to grieve the loss of this person you love, and to begin the process of healing.  You don't have to do this alone.  I've walked a similar path to yours.  I suffer from bipolar disorder and it has only been recently that I've reflected on how much that impacted my ex, just as her disorder impacted me.  For now, respect your ex's wishes and let him go.  Allow him the space he needs to confront his issues in his own way.  I know you want to help fix him, but fixing isn't an act of love.  We don't fix those we love, we accept them and nurture them.  We allow them to find their own answers about themselves and to develop in their own way.  That also took me a long time to realize.  I spent so much time trying to fix my ex.  I meant it as an act of love, but it only caused her further harm, and it significantly widened the growing gulf between us.  Your ex has BPD.  He is not his disorder, but the disorder is a part of him.  This is the way it is.  We have to accept this.  Whether we choose to be in a relationship with them or not, they have special needs.  If your ex wishes to not have contact for a while, give him that.  He needs it.  He wouldn't be asking otherwise.

You are grieving now and that is completely normal.  It's necessary.  You have suffered one of the most significant losses we can experience in life.  Keep posting here and let the members comfort and support you.  If you have some friends or family that can support you, turn to them as well.  You will get through this, the pain will subside, and you will make some very important discoveries about yourself.  I know from personal experience.  It will just take some time.

Thank you for your response... what makes this so devastatingly heatbreaking is how subtley this happened over such a shirt period of time and how easily preventable it would have been on my end. It feels like it's ripping my guts out. I'm not even sure he has BPD, he really doesn't have any of the other symptoms besides this disocciation piece. I can pinpoint exactly where I could have shifted this extremely easily, had I known that he was going to react like this. He says it's never happened to him before so it's not a pattern in any rs's, although. Suspect bc this rs became very close very fast and that worked bc it was a hidden rs but when we came out we had different sets of expectations/abilities apparently and had I have known that, if I had communicated instead of being passive-aggressive thinking it was safe to do w him bc NOTHING ever indicated THIS would be something that would trigger him, this could have been avoided. It would not have been a big deal for me at all. That's why this is so hard, it's such a shock. There was no communication period/period of trying to work it out and even identifying that it was a problem on his end. He simply started become a little more detached and distant and I overreacted a couple of different times, nothing even significant, but obviously significant enough for him. I can see how it was a combination of a cpl different subtle things it wasn't like a consytant pattern of strife abd dysfunction. I have never been so sure of something being so healthy before. I'm just reeling.

I took all the pressure off and said it doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to right now, why can't that be enough if he comes out of this state? I'm also not trying to fix him but I would like the feeling that I did everything in my power to make sure he has whatever tools available to fix himself and for the environment to be right. I want more than anything for him to want me back so that's why I asked abt the grounding thing but I suppose that is selfish of me, at the same time I feel like if he wasn't in this disocciative state he wouldn't feel this extreme abt ending the rs, he still has feelings for me... .idk :'((

It's bothering me again the fact that he might not read the couple of messages I sent after we left this morning bc I feel again like I want to feel like I've done everything to convey info and he can do what he wants w it, but I feel so out-of-control not being able to get the information across :// It feels so unfair, the whole thing, I feel cheated and betrayed by this person that went together w me into this vulnerable place and never wavered from his intentions as far as his feelings for me... .but I will let him go now bc I suppose it is the right thing do, which is causing me to feel even more devastated... at least if there was some contact I'd have something... this feels like it's going to be a complete cutoff and it's killing me... .I felt so safe w him to be open and vulnerable, I made him my whole world but I did it so mindfully and calculatedly, I wanted to... I relied on him to "save" me I suppose, but it's not that I CAN'T be alone, I just don't want to be :'(( I've been single for long periods of time looking for that right connection, I don't just date just to not be alone... .nothing has ever felt more right in my life than this had...

I forgot to add that another piece is that this was the most intense, closest connection he's ever had w anyone, so the backlash was equally as intense I suppose when the dynamic was triggered even if it was subtle... .:'(

How do you go from being consistent abt talking abt the future, set in stone so-to-speak, to this? I have so many other questions for him that I wish I had asked and may never get the chance now  I did leave some stuff at his place so once I need that I will need to contact him anyway... also he said something abt feeling like it's not right to cut someone out of your life entirely bc I had said please tell me if you never want to see or hear from me again and he said that... although if you just slowly fade away you can still do that essentially :'((

It was the strangest feeling in the world to sit w this man that I loved, that was my best friend, my comfort for everything, he took everything away all the time anything bad that I felt... and to have him be there but not really there anymore... it was terrifying. He could do nothing for me anymore. Ironically the thing that triggered the actual dissociation (there were things that had been making him more vulnerable up to that point), but the thing that seemed to do it was me plunging into despair one day abt not feeling like a priority to anyone and him asking what he could do to help and me saying nothing clearly you cant... :'(( Ugh that could have been so easily avoided! So easy! It was just the perfect storm of everything but I feel like if he hadn't of had the stomach flu that Mon we would have seen each other, connected and that never would have happened that wk. All I would have had to do was understand his need for distance and not make him feel inadequate or put pressure/expectations on him... so easily solveable wowggggg

Senra,

I too am having a very hard time dealing with regrets.  Even though I logically know it is over, emotionally I can't seem to find a way to detach.

I'm tired of feeling this way as I am sure you are.

In Ernest Hemingway's novel The Sun Also Rises, one of the characters explained how he went from very wealthy to bankrupt saying, "It happened slowly and then suddenly".  I think that the failure of a BPD relationship is quite similar.  There is far more going on behind the scenes than we initially realize.  There is, of course, always the risk when we discuss here that we are overly projecting our own experiences on someone else's relationship.  Every relationship is unique.  There are, however, some patterns that are noticeable across many, many stories here.  One is that there is building resentment and dysfunction that has built up slowly over the relationship before it all falls apart.  Slowly and then suddenly.

Please try to not blame yourself for the relationship failing.  This isn't your fault.  It's not like that.  This is the result of two people who were not as compatible as they had hoped to be.  That does not mean that you and your ex did not love one another.  Those are not mutually exclusive at all.  This is hard to understand because it goes so against what we are all raised to believe about love - that love can conquer all.  In relationships involving BPD, however, this is not the case.  The disorder can not be loved away.  It can only be dealt with on it's own terms.  And that is very hard to do.  BPD relationships are always hard.  Always.  There is never a time when the non-BPD partner can settle into the relationship and cease to be the emotional foundation.  When we have our own insecurities and mental health issues, this is a nearly impossible task.  Can you see, however, that this isn't anyone's fault?  Not yours and not his. pwBPD are just fundamentally different.  They can't be an equal partner in the relationship.  There will be times when they will withdraw, act out, behave impulsively, cling, rage, and so on.  That is part and parcel of the disorder.  It is unreasonable to expect them to be able to do otherwise.  They have a very real and very serious condition.  We couldn't expect a partner with cystic fibrosis to run a marathon, right?  It's the same with a partner with BPD.  We can't expect them to rise above their disorder just because we want them to.  So, please try and not blame yourself for this.  BPD is simply one of life's tragedies just the same as getting cancer or being blind.

It may seem that if you could have just not said this or had done that things would have been different.  Unfortunately, the underlying dysfunction would still be there.  He would still be feeling the need to withdraw which is immensely painful for you.  You would still feel the need to fix things and pull him back.  He would then feel further ashamed.  Can you see that it is these sort of dynamics that are in play here.  As this goes on, resentments build and the bond between you two becomes increasingly strained.  Emotional distance builds and further resentment and hurt is the result in both partners.  It may seem like you should be able to talk through this with your partner.  This is not, however, accepting the disorder.  There are deep subconscious reasons that your partner is behaving the way that he does, and much of his actions in response are highly impulsive.  He is not planning this, and it is very likely not at all what he wants.  I have no reason to doubt that my ex was completely sincere in her claims until the very end that she loved me and the last thing she wanted was to break up.  I believe her.  I think she wanted things to work out just as much as I did.  It just couldn't.  I couldn't provide the emotional stability that she required and she couldn't provide the availability I so wanted.  We were making each other miserable, even though that was the opposite of what each of us wanted.  The only way to heal was for us to separate and I see that now.

I too wanted so badly to contact my ex.  I still do wish I could speak with her.  She was my best friend too, and I've never felt as close to anyone in my life.  She is immensely special to me, and I love her dearly.  What has always stopped me is my love for her.  I know that contacting her will only be triggering for her.  It wouldn't be the happy reunion I envision.  She needs to heal and she has a lot of work to do on herself before she will be able to have a stable relationship.  I do too.  So, I don't contact her.  I hope that you will be able to find that too.  :)o it out of love.  It is a gift you are giving him.

Keep posting, Senra.  I know this is tremendously difficult and these are terrible things to hear.  It may be too early to process all of this.  I understand that.  It took me about two years to get to this point, and I know I'm not done yet.  Take your time and allow yourself to grieve.  This is a tragic loss.  Let him go, because you love him.  This is an act of true love.

The thing is, if we had had a conversation after we came out of our rs abt what each of us wanted/expected, I would have totally been OK w him needing the detachment and distance he did. It was BECAUSE the conversation wasn't had, and neither of us communicated to each other the subtle stuff that was happening/building until this incident where it happened in a split second. I never had chased him at all or asked for anything from him in reaction to his distance, but I think he must have sensed my growing unhappiness w the situation and this was triggering as he knew/felt he wasn't going to be able to give me what I needed... this would have been such an easy conversation to have though... it breaks my heart... if only I had known it would have such a devastating impact, I thought our rs could withstand this it seemed so connected and loving... I trusted it to provide a holding environment for something like this or I would have taken responsibility instead of being passive-aggressive looking for my needs to be met that way and him feeling inadequate probably or unable/unwilling and feeling he was failing/ashamed... .

*I mean when we came out w our rs

I did not see this as a BPD thing AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL until perhaps now... he had dissociated before but nothing related where I could have predicted this. He was consistent, loving, giving emotionally, he just started seeming a little more detached... if I had been looking at this as BPD this would not have happened :/// I was in a horribly abusive BPD rs for yrs and this was not it but I was also used to how to deal w the dynamic, but there really WAS no dynamic until this :'((

I didn't even NEED to react the way I did, in fact I did it BECAUSE I felt so safe and there was never any indication ever that he would be this reactive. I had the skills to be different, if I had known. Omggggg :'(

And C Stein, this is only the first day I hope to God this doesn't last long and I can let go... I'm letting myself feel the feelings of loss and regret and devastation and anxiety and panic no matter how painful, going through our memories and the ways this was going to impact my life now (in every way, since everything I said, did, thought, saw was somehow colored by thoughts of him. I used to spend a lot of time meditating almost abt how amazing this rs was and how lucky I was that I had finally found what I was looking for... how safe and loved he made me feel... thats one of the hardest parts of this ://////

I felt like I had this amazing gift, I had won the lottery, it felt so stable and peaceful and proetcetdd

I didn't know anything at all about BPD until after we had broken up either.  There is no doubt that you were flying blind;  that's true of most of us here.  I understand this only compounds out thoughts of "what if" and "if only".  I'm still not sure, at least in my own relationship, that it would have been enough however.  It's easy to believe that this incredible connection can carry the relationship.  But you have also said that there was a growing unhappiness you had about the situation.  Would this have really been different if you could have talked about it?  My ex and I numerous times discussed her withdrawing and silent treatments, and I tried to be as patient and understanding as I could be.  I would patiently go 2-3 weeks sometimes without seeing her or talking with her except for maybe a few brief texts.  I was very careful to not blame her or criticize her.  But I also was deeply hurt by it.  I felt like a terrible boyfriend and I struggled to figure out what I was doing that was so wrong.  It took a heavy toll on me and that only increased my need to fix the situation and get things back on track.  Which only increased my ex's feelings of shame and defectiveness about the situation.  Thus, the problem was compounded.  On and on it goes.  The best way to deal with a withdrawing pwBPD is to allow them the space they need, to gently assure them of your availability and emotional safety when they are ready to return, to be as loving and blameless when they reengage.  That is very hard to do for anyone.  Keeping that up over a lifetime is extraordinary.  When we have our own emotional struggles, this becomes a near impossible task.  The only way this can really work is for both parties to correct the underlying issues that are resulting in the dysfunction.  :)oes that help to see how these sorts of situations can't simply be talked through?  That they can't be loved away?  The path to stability has to pass through the healing of these core issues.

It doesn't really help bc I'm extremely familiar w BPD, and this was completely hidden. His "withdrawing" and increasing detachment was so subtle it just looked like what typical guys do sometimes and/or bc of hectic busy lives, and there was no silent treatment in general, we did talk abt that somewhat actually but I had never come out and directly said anything until it built up and I became reactive and even then it really wasn't even that bad, it was more of a general feeling of despair bc I felt not prioritized and abandoned and that clearly he seemed to be saying there was nothing he cld do... this was a sentence. Not an ongoing verbal altercation. I know how sensitive BPDS are though (I don't even know if he has it!) and in rerospect he must have really wanted a rs and thought he could handle it but decided he couldn't and this must have triggered so much shame and fear of failure in him that I never detected AT ALL. When I say hidden I mean hidden. This is beyond shocking to me. I do feel like if we had had a conversation abt this subject that it would have increased my awareness of SOMETHING and I would have known exactly what to do w it. That's what is so frustrating. I feel like this was so easily avoidable, not like most BPD stuff where it is all this dysfunctional really messy entrenched patterns.