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It has been 3.5 months since I last spoke to my BPDx after a tumultuous 3.5 year relationship.  I guess I'm in the acceptance stage which is the last stage of grief, accepting that it is over.  But it is what I think the hardest stage.  All I have been thinking about recently are flashbacks of all the times I was alone while she discarded me or distanced herself or gave me the silent treatment.  When I walk around town and pass by places we were together I think of her. This morning I opened my medicine cabinet and saw all the herbal anti-anxiety remedies I had accumulated while with her and it made me realize how much I suffered.

My anxiety levels are WAY down but I am sad.  I reminisce too much about her.  Wondering if I have truly lost her forever.  Here's a list of how my life has changed 3.5 months NC. Can any of you relate?

The Positive:

Very low levels of anxiety (I can finally drink coffee again) & sleeping better

Going to the gym much more

Hanging out with friends more

Feeling healthier: I look younger, less wrinkles & most of my white hair which appeared while with her has turned black

I feel more positive even though I am sad

Enjoying the little things in life more

Traveling more and exploring new things

I feel I have grown and matured & have a way better perspective on relationships and red flags



The Negative:

Don't feel like approaching girls

Don't feel passion anymore

Missing her

Remembering the good days and flashbacks of all the times she left me

I'm jaded

Sad often

Keep you head up Hope. We are in same boat, I'm about 3months out. Just stay busy and when you think of her try and push thoughts out. That's what I try and do. Easier said than done I know .

Hi hopealways,

You suffered loss, flashbacks are normal, you're grieving.

It takes time to process everything and reach the acceptance stage. Do you have a T?

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)

Thanks. I do have a T which I used on the last 2.5 years of the relationship. I'm trying to deal with this on my own now with the tools I have learned. Distance brings clarity, and time heals, I know this, just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

hey hopealways 

i cant help but notice that although you are currently experiencing your hardest part of recovery, that your list of positives is longer than your list of negatives, and they are your truth, not someone prescribing them to you.

i understand running on high anxiety levels during the relationship. i ran on a lot of anxiety and adrenaline. its simply not good for your body or your psyche. adjusting to normal levels takes a real toll in the process. i remember dread from the moment id wake up; i felt obligated to contact my ex and knew if she realized id been awake shed question why i hadnt contacted her, a fight could erupt. immediately after the breakup the sight of my computer or cell phone caused tremendous anxiety, and later depressed feelings. it takes a real toll on us, and you are processing complex stuff.

i want to encourage you though. you are taking healthy steps toward healthy processing; going to the gym regularly is a great way to aid your body in reducing the stress. 3.5 months is not a lot of time to process a 3.5 year tumultuous relationship; the negatives mentioned on your list are all understandable. this will take time, but it really sounds like you have hit the ground running; try to trust it as you deal with some very difficult thoughts and feelings, it will sustain you, and we are here to help you through it  |iiii

Thanks so much onceremoved! These replies really help. I actually didn't know this was the hardest part so now things make more sense to me. My cel phone still causes me some anxiety which is why now I purposely leave it in another room and don't check it that often: it really helps.