BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

This is my first time ever posting on the boards. True, I have been reading for a few days, but I had to make sure it was BPD (which I'm fairly certain).

I met the "woman of my dreams" online in late August. She actually found my profile, and was the one doing all of the pursuing. Instead of the simple few sentence replies you generally get on dating websites, she was giving me large paragraphs of communication. After talking for a week, I gave her my number and we started texting, naturally progressing to phone conversations. I scheduled our first date and everything went seemingly amazing! I had to drive approximately 350 miles because we are in different states, but my motto has been to always give a relationship a true chance.

The connection was immediate, and she was the first woman of my life that initiated all of the physical contact (and said those special words first as well). Our date went so well she asked me to accompany her to church the next day (originally I was going to head back home in the morning as I was staying with a family member). Ultimately church went well, and I stayed way too late for my drive home, but boy it felt like this was "the one".

To be briefer, she came and visited me the next weekend (same exact "ideal/perfect" interactions). Here is where things got "different". The next time I went to see her, she was subtly revealing all of these insecurities to me (but I was just thinking she was opening up). She said things like "Maybe I can just never fulfill your needs, or be good enough for you". No matter what I said, it didn't affect her. Eventually the tension faded and we went about our day going to a festival and such. We were on a tour of a church and while we were seated we started talking religion. I asked her a question about what she thought I should do in a particular situation. She quickly replied, "I'm not your spiritual guide, you figure it out". No affect in her voice! I was dumbfounded at how rude/out of context this cold shoulder came. I stood up and walked around the church a bit (to cool off and look at the awesome stained glass in the church, I just didn't want to lose my cool and say something I couldn't take back).

About 5 minute goes by, and we hope in the car and go about our day and she starts getting upset at me saying "Where were you going? I didn't know if you were going to comeback or what". Then she proceeded to cry. Somehow she never acknowledged the reason I stood up to cool off was because of her comment when I was trying to open up to her. An hour long unnecessary rant ensues from her (even when I tried to take the blame). Eventually she went back to mushy mode, and we had dinner with my cousin and his fiancé. Everything seemed fine there, but I noticed she wasn't engaging in any conversation (she is not shy). I did make a somewhat "big" deal about it later in the evening because she wasn't responding to my cousins questions/communications so I was made to look like a dumb*ss (the only one digging the relationship).

Back at her place she had a large fit and basically told me to leave (350 mile drive). I started packing up my stuff and said as you wish. She then bawls and grabs me before I walk out the door and says "I'm sorry, just kiss me". We kiss and makeup and share snuggle time and it was amazing!

The next day (Sunday) we go to church, and walk around one of our religions temple's, and she says these words to me "I know where this is headed, You are the one for me in this life". We seriously talk about marriage and having a family and plans to living arrangements (distance). I drop her back home and she makes me dinner before I head out for the drive back home. She hands me a gift bag with a shirt and a letter for my parents/family (and a "special" letter for me). She texts me a few times on the way home and she wanted to make sure I got in ok. I txt her when I got home (she was already asleep), and I read her "love letter". This letter seriously is the sweetest thing anyone has EVER written me! I was so happy/amazed she felt this way about me!

Well, the next morning I call her and she says "I am stressed/really busy, running late for work", and kept going on about her stress. I tried my best to show compassion and then said (aren't you concerned at all about me). Yes, my moment of true selfishness. She said "I do not have time to deal with your issues; I am running late, I need to go!”

Doesn't txt me all day, 2 days go by and nothing. I call her Wednesday night, and she texts me back saying she needs "space" and isn't sure about anything anymore. 5 more days goes by, she sends me a txt saying she was going to call me that night. When she calls she breaks up with me and states "it is for the better for both of us". She then says I can continue to date her, but she can't have the label and some other stuff. I say alright, how about a week from Saturday? She goes silent and says "lets see how this week goes" and she asked if she could go because she was "stressed and tired". The conversation NEVER had any concern about my emotions, she never even asked.

3 hours after at around 12:30 AM she txt me saying she was thinking of me. Then in the evening the next day she said "I hope you are ok... ." with a frown face. I was giving her the "space" she asked for and didn't respond for 3 days. When I responded she txt me immediately, but then my reply and she came with silence. I let a week go by and called her, she let it go to voicemail and I left a nice message nothing that could be perceived as being attacked or whatever.

She then says, "I listened to your voicemail; I no longer want to pursue a relationship with you. I think it’s best if we don't contact each other anymore. I don't want to come off as insensitive; I just think we both need the space to move forward. I wish you the best".



I am summarizing the relationship and the complete details, but basically, no real fights (in my opinion) ever happened and yet she runs at the first sign of trouble. Oh, also on the phone I asked her "what of all the physical contact, and love notes/what you talked about with me just a few days ago?" She said "people change; I don't feel that way anymore".


I am in love with this woman. I am devastated in the fact that what I thought was "real", may not have been real all along.  

Any hope she will ever reach out to me again? I feel like reaching out to her roommate who sent me this long message about how much of a blessing I was in my gf's life. Her parents even reached out to me to invite me for Thanksgiving! It’s like, was everyone not telling me they knew she had this problem?


Just confused/hurt, but more so reeling. The hopeless romantic in me wants her back, I know I am not perfect, but I also know I treated her VERY WELL... .



Thanks everyone, and really sorry for the long post


-Ocelot

I can't tell you if she will reach out again, but I can tell you this.  Consider yourself lucky that this happened only months into the relationship and not years or decades.  Perhaps you need to ask yourself what is it you really love about this woman?  Can you can love all of her without judgement and not just the part that treats you well?   I personally see many red flags here and while I am certainly no expert on BPD, I would say this looks textbook.  You have some hard questions and decisions to make here, which are all the harder to make given the newness of the relationship and because you have the blacked out love goggles on.  Be honest with yourself.

C. Stein,

I appreciate your honesty. I have heard from a co-worker that I am "lucky" as well. Is it possible the instant connection/care you immediately develop for sufferers of BPD can transcend time? I know the time was short, but the pain is so very real. Almost as if the same feeling of breaking up with someone over the span of years.

You are right, if my needs really will be ignored randomly, I would be an emotional wreck. I guess I am fighting with a sort of cognitive dissonance. Knowing that she doesn't recognize her mental health problems, therefore they will not improve in her current state.

My psychologist also says the writing was on the wall before I even went to see her (just the context of our phone conversations). I wish she would call me, instead of taking the route of cowardice to say "leave me alone" (txting).

I really appreciate your response C. Stein, Thank You.   

No need to question that.  My ex had me hook, line and sinker within a month and I suspect many will say the same.  I absolutely felt like I had known her (and her me) for far longer than we really had.  It is beyond sad to connect to someone at such an intimate and deep level to just have it blown apart by the BPD behaviour.  At the end of two years, it looks like it was more smoke and mirrors than love ... .at least for her.  I know with certainty that she "believed" she was in love with me ... .soul mate and all that, but her idea of love was literally a Disney fantasy and therefore had no substance or foundation in the real world.

I am sorry to hear that C. Stein, Must be a daily psychological battle now that you are out of it. I too had that same Instant "I've known you forever" kind of connection. She said she did as well. I try to keep in mind she drove 350 miles to see me, but wasn't "feeling well" the entire time, so I basically took care of her and we didn't get to too much fun stuff. I didn't mind taking care of her one bit, and even called out of work an extra day so I could see her off properly. So was her coming to see me/what happened while she was here to just gain some control?

My gf too acted like love was "no disagreements whatsoever", almost like a loss of personality. I dunno, I still feel like getting her back, but unsure of how to. Any contact pushes her away more...

I can't speculate what happened when she came to see you.  Could have been a "test", could have been nothing.  Also consider the distance is an issue too and that one thing would hold back many people, PD or not.  I know you are feeling desperate to reach out but there is nothing you can do about her feelings.  If she is scared for one reason or another it is up to her to tell you.  Maybe the best thing for you to do is take a step back, assess your own feelings, and give her some space.

I fight with this wanting to reach out every day.  The not knowing if she wants me to, not knowing if she has any feelings for me any more, not wanting too much time to go by,  not wanting to lose her forever ... .not knowing.  It is a vicious cycle that never ends, but it has to at some point. 

She blocked me from FB, and all of our mutual friends unfriended me. Just so hurtful, as if I never existed. Yes short, but hurts just the same.


I am trying to just stay positive and thankful for what I do have going for me in my personal life. I caved in and sent her a "how I truly feel" type-text last night. No response, not that I thought she would. I wonder what she told her parents and roomate... .I feel like I need to reach out to them to clarify the situation, and possible get my gf the help she needs. But not sure anyone would believe me.


You are right C. Stein, a vicious cycle. I am handsome/have a career, I know I could date around more and everything. But all I wanted was her, and as of now she is gone...

Thanks for staying Strong Stein, you are great :)