BPDFamily.com

Ever since stumbling upon this topic, realizing that in fact my uBPDw may have BPD, and doing research and trying to work my job, I have become so unmotivated at work, at home, etc. I am fairly cold to my wife, I am bitter. She gets angry at me for something dumb like usual and lately since I have been setting up boundaries towards protecting myself from negativity and abuse it had made me feel really cold. I don't really want to be around her the past few days. I don't really want to do anything.  I am proud of myself for sticking with things I have learned, and I understand this is a cyclical thing and whatnot, but I am irritable haha. I am tired. I am mad at myself, mad at her, mad that my fantasy football teams lost to both Eli manning and drew brees today, mad I have to go to work tomorrow, mad I am in my car at 12:15am cause my wife is mad I have work tomorrow and her day will be stressful with the kid, which means I will be tired at my job and have to deal with her crap on the phone. If I don't try to deal with that crap she will harass my office, get herself transferred to my desk phone or my boss. I don't know what I want anymore. I want normalcy. I won't get that. I don't even know what I want in reality. What I want is what I can't have. What I don't have is what I don't want. What I don't want is what I have. And in reality, what i have is exactly what I want. My life is complete, but so empty.

I need someone to tell me it is okay to feel like a grump. I have not gone out of my way to piss people off. I have had happy periods in the past few days until I get nagged for vacuuming the living room before the kitchen, or deciding to finally sand down the sharpie my wife wrote of me saying "I hate Kyle he makes false promises" comment from 2 weeks ago from the wall at 730pm tonight after she told me to try to get it off today. I know this post is confusing, and I tried doing that in part because that's exactly how I feel right now.

Walsby7, your post isn't confusing to me, I understand how you feel. I too struggle with resentment against my pwBPD. (I don't live with him, but I do interact with him every day on FaceTime .) I think it is normal and natural to feel the way you do. You're under a lot of stress and pressure. There is a depression screening tool on this site. Have you ever seen it?

And I hate modifying close hangers i keep in my shed trying to break into my house after midnight because my wife chained the door. Ughh

Not yet. I don't think I'm depressed really, I am usually good at keeping neutral feelings, I just can't put my feelings into words.

Walbsy 7, living with a pwBPD can make a person depressed. I will see if I can link to it, or perhaps one of the senior members knows where it is more quickly. May I ask what kind of reading you have done on this site?

All of the articles about spouse with BPD. Includes codependency, relationships, understanding BPD, and others. I am about half way through the "stop walking on eggshells" book as well.

I recently moved over here from the undecided board and I think that's where i came across it however I believe it may be listed in the lessons as well. I will poke around over on the undecided board and see if I can locate it. I think it had to do with self care.

What helps me understand this all is that with BPD, there are basically two sides of their mirror, a heavenlike white one, and a totally negative black one.

Both are an incomplete image, cause in reality a mirror should reflect all shades of grey.

While the mirror may give you all black or all white, its is your duty to yourself to keep on seeing the world in grey shades, otherwise you are bound to catch a depression, and loose yourself... .

You cant convince your BPD spouse though that the world is greyshaded though, it only offends them when you try. You have to accept that too... .

I'm not sure where you are in the process of coming to terms with everything but it sounds like you are at a pivotal decision point. I would say these moments are breaking spots where we have to decide if it is worth trying to work on the relationship or if life would be better without? It's easy to get tired and frustrated and worn out from the constant battle that staying takes. I believe that you have what it takes as you have made it this far. The battle uphill will be hard but once you get to the top the view is going to be great (at least I hope it will, as I'm still climbing).

I found myself lying in bed on Friday afternoon, with my head under a pillow just crying and begging God for a normal life. I want to know which way is up. I want to know that today I won't be yelled at for saying "at" instead of "to" in a text and having that miscontrued to mean something completely different. I see other couples and I wonder if their spouses go off because you told your pastor's wife that "We support you" instead of "I support you" since I didn't ask permission to include him in the email. Do other couples argue 3-10 times in a day? What is a normal relationship like? What is a peaceful home like?

Yes. I think you are asking very valid questions and I wish that your spouse was able to validate them for you. I tried to explain these feelings to my H. the other day and he ignored everything I said and made it about something he was feeling sad about. I just cried over and over, "It's not about you! It's not about you! FOr once, let it be about me!"

Yeah I know I can make it to the top, but do I want to make it to the top of the hill. I do, I want to so bad, but I need my wife to help me carry a bag or 2. Is she willing to do that? That question will not be answered if I am the one posing it to her. She will tell me she is carrying the clothes on her back and I need to carry her and my stuff to the top because I do not do anything compared to her.

Time will tell, right now though is just a dull point with no scenery to look at on the long road to who knows where.

Good questions. I wonder that myself. I have to imagine that in a normal relationship, couples feel foolish and apologize after having a blow-up over something trivial, but the real fights are reserved for serious, important issues. But I have to imagine it, because I haven't lived anything like that in over a decade.