BPDFamily.com

so yesterday, I had an EXTREMELY confusing day with my ex.

we are still living together in separate bedrooms at our house until we leave at the end of the year. she has been talking to strangers she meets off of plenty of fish and met a few for dates several times. none of those lasted beyond a few days and they are all mostly lowlifes with mugshots on the internet and multiple arrests for things like thieving, duis and drug charges. its insane. if not lowlife, manchildren who cannot adequately take care of themselves and act like teenagers. the opposite of me basically. As of late, she has stopped going on dates over the past 2 to 3 weeks and only texts guys on the phone, but ones that are not local and far away who she has no chance of meeting. she is not always on her phone anymore though. sometimes she will stay off of it and stay engaged with me.

we spent the last week fighting like cats and dogs. she has been very emotionally abusive and angry. she has been picking fights with me and being insulting. it has been horrible. she has been very foul to deal with. I was sick with the stomach bug yesterday though and she started softening up on me as the day progressed.

the following things happened:

1) she expressed she was upset that I did not want to be "best friends" and got visibly shaken and upset at the thought of me being gone from her life and close with another woman. however she contradicted herself by saying "I am eventually going to meet someone but you will be my best friend (?)"

2) she broke down and admitted again she has BPD. she told me she thinks about suicide every day. she told me that she has unrealistic expectations, is never happy with or satisfied with anything, she sabotages all the good things she has in life, she had problems before we met - it is not my fault, she hates herself, she knows she ruined our relationship and thinks it is too late to fix now.

3) I caught her looking at pictures and videos of us on her old phone and spent most of the night reminiscing about them with me and got emotional at times - saying she misses me and how I used to be, how I was so nice and good to her. she said she looked truly happy with me.

4) she checked me out, asked me to bend over in front of her, made comments about me being attractive (but said I have a bad attitude since I have hit the gym and acquired more of a muscular physique) and then she overtly said "why don't you and I have one last fling together... .one more night together? huh?" (I was shocked. first time she came out and announced that she would like to sleep with me since the breakup. especially shocking due to the fact that she has spent the last few weeks putting me down and acting grossed out at the thought of me sexually or romantically) - but then later that night got an attitude with me and accused me of trying to kiss her, which I did not, and asked me not to... .

5) she put on an emotional song "what hurts the most" by rascal flats and asked me to come over to her and she pulled me down next to her and my head on her chest and began to stroke my hair and face and cry, telling me she listens to this song and thinks of me... .that songs she listens to are all about me... .she began to say "I still love you... " but stopped herself and started sobbing and I lifted my head up and we held one another during the song tightly and she buried her face in my neck. Towards the end of the song we slowly pulled apart and almost kissed. I then became uncomfortable and walked across to the other sofa away from her and laid down. Afterwards she began texting again for a while and being distant before she went back to reminiscing about the past with me again. Asked me if I wanted to take a day trip with her in 2 weeks or so.

6) she got very upset with me for minimizing our relationship when she has been doing that since the breakup happened in mid july. she even once told me, it was only 4 years it is not a big deal (even though it is her first long-term relationship and longest one).  Now, because I ripped up pictures of us and threw them out recently, told her I feel lonely being out here away from family and friends and miss the hugs of my family, and that I do not feel I can open up to her anymore... .she exploded and got angry and emotional. said - why do you not feel like you can hug me- you can hug me! and I said "no." and she became very upset. she told me it hurts her that I am distant and treat her like a stranger. she pulled out a card I had in a drawer from my hs sweetheart from senior year into the beginning of college and ripped it up and flushed it down the toilet.  She told me that she feels like I put that childish relationship in a better light than our adult committed relationship and that I act like my ex is better than her and that she never did anything. she was screaming. she yelled "I should mean more to you than that... what we had should mean more to you than that. you really hurt me throwing out those pictures. it is so messed up!"

7) she openly texted with a guy in front of me and seemed like she was flinging it in my face. I got angry with her and told her about his 6 arrests and said I am disappointed in her recent behavior and it makes her a stranger to me that she seeks out attention from these lowlifes. She texted the guy in front of me and asked about his arrests and he admitted to it... said one was for possession of cocaine but "it wasn't his" and it was his friends who was in his car... I got angry and started making very sarcastic snarky comments about it and called it a crock of you know what... .called the guy a loser... .etc. and she seemed pleased with it. Told him that "my ex went to police academy back before dropping out to get a master's and says you are lying, that the record says it was found on your person so you had it physically in your pockets or on you."... .I had no idea she recorded me getting upset and I saw her watching It over and over smiling and saying "you got so angry and protective"... .laughing. it was like she was pleased to get a reaction. I feel she is using guys to triangulate. her goal seems to get an emotional response from me.


taking these 7 things into consideration. I feel like the tides may have turned and could be going towards her attempting a recycle. I felt she was using me, due to her meanness and nastiness towards me, but in light of this new behavior, I cannot help but think maybe my godmom was right in saying she is a little obsessed with me. I laughed it off but now I think she may be right. I feel my ex could be too scared to admit she made a mistake doing what she did to the relationship... .due in large part to the toxic borderline shame. Could I be off?

Anybody have any similar experiences to this?  we have been broken up for 3 months now. we lived apart 6 weeks of the 3 months before she came back to the house in early September. I am not sure if she has been building up to the recycle and has a plan or is maybe just beginning to cave and can no longer hide her feelings.

It is driving me NUTS trying to make sense of this behavior. Just when I think the woman hates me... .she behaves like this... we are very tense together and our arguments are very passionate. I did not know if this was just BPD stuff or if that suggested residual romantic feelings exists within her... .maybe both.

I wonder if the recycle attempt will commence and pick up over the next few weeks... .I also wonder if she will advance from propositioning me for sex to full on coming on to me. I caught her in my room about 4 times last night to "use the bathroom" when she is sleeping next to the guest bathroom and has to walk all the way down the hall to mine to use it. At one point, I woke up to find her in the doorway staring at me (I was sleeping in my underwear) and when I asked her what she is doing in my room and why she opened my door she seemed to fumble her words and say she needs to use the bathroom. I just do not know if I need to be on the alert for the sexual advances to pick up or what... .

any of you have a BPD ex try to come on to you after being very adamant about the break up and that they no longer have feelings or attraction towards you?

To be mindful is being aware of the dance. And that is what it is--dancing around the ties that bind. Her emphatic words are emphatically subject to emotion, whimsy and control. The latter constituting a defense mechanism.

If she leads in this dance then the outcome will be disordered. Symbolizing her confusion:

She can kill with a smile

She can wound with her eyes

And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies

And she only reveals what she wants you to see

She can lead you to love

She can take you or leave you

She never gives out

And she never gives in

She just changes her mind

I'll surmise feelings of affection for her linger, whether the relationship is over or not. So ask yourself, why does it matter whether her whims are naughty, nasty, or nice. They remain confused.

If you care about her then lead. If you have (both) her best interest and yours in mind, then what is it that you want? Will further entanglement cause harm--or will it lead you (and her) somewhere promising? I would venture though, that if you're feeling as confused as she is, then it is axiomatic that the outcome will produce a confusing status quo.         

       

Hi Charwood,


A pwBPD have an intolerance of aloneness, her abandonment fears are triggered.

"Because of heightened rejection sensitivity, rejection and abandonment are theorized to be two important triggers, leading in particular to interpersonal symptoms (Berenson et al., 2011; Zeigler-Hill & Abraham, 2006). Because of insecure attachment styles, disappointment in others and being alone are proposed as triggers (Bender & Skodol, 2007; Gunderson, 1996). Disappointment and being alone may lead to intense devaluing of the disappointing others, "

The borderline patient intolerance of aloness: Insecure attachment and therapist availability (http://www.researchgate.net/publication/14566246_The_borderline_patient_intolerance_of_aloness_Insecure_attachment_and_therapist_availability)