BPDFamily.com

Hello again everyone, I'll just get to it.

My ex gf who I suspect has BPD left me about 3 months ago. I've posted about it before, she became an exotic dancer during our relationship behind my back and hid it for 5 months. she then cheated on me twice during that time and I suspect more than that. She left me for another man who she claimed "she could be herself around" and she also claimed that they were in love and he was "the one" after literally 10 days of being with him. Despite all of this, I feel like I am to blame for this failure of our relationship. I must admit my trust in her was much lower after the cheating incidents and was way more distant than I probably should've have been emotionally. There were times I was selfish too and could have been more compromising. I feel horrible about it and I'm not looking for someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault to make me feel better, I just would like to know if anyone out there has gone through this and what steps they took to get out of it. At the end she was even crying saying about  how neglected she was and how I "brought the worst out of her" I don't think I was that bad, and maybe she was just looking to blame but i don't even know. My mind is all over the place as of late. Any advice would be great thanks.

And there it is, the emotional-hook that seems to snag us and pull us into the whirlpool of confusion.  You must be pretty powerful guy to bring out the worst or best in anyone.  The insinuation is that it is your actions that are making her feel/behave in a certain way, just not true - and you probably already know it.  So the question follows, why is it that these hooks grab US and have no impact on others.  I suppose there are may reasons.

I definitely identify with the guilt and have had (and still do) get case of the shoulda's.  At the point I am at now, my thoughts are that I am still building a central core of being.  Meaning that something about me was missing and that I cannot emotionally see that I don't have that much power over someone else and vice-versa.

Multiple posters have challenged me with the following question; is this how I would want to be treated by someone that loved me?  My answer - for my situation - has always been no.  So, whatever feelings that question elicits are usually tied to my healthier side.  Try to build on that.  Would you want to be cheated on, lied to or manipulated by the person you love?  Why not?  For me the answer was because I love myself and want something better for my life - this PD r/s may be highly addictive, but not what I want for my own life.

Hope this helps.

I'm sure you did everything she said. Granted, cheating is never the answer to get someone to stop doing something.

My ex's did the same. It really drained me. I don't hate them really, I'm just afraid of how little emotion they had and I wanted a real relationship.


Know better do better I guess.

Hi Kelvin,

Did you set boundaries in the relationship with her cheating?

I'm not sure what boundaries mean in this context honestly. I expressed quite clearly that this was something that hurt me, but she said in the first instance it was something she deeply regretted and I forgave her. The second time she said "it was with a girl, so it doesn;t really count as cheating" . Looking back I shouldn't have ignored those flags but when I was getting to know her early on she was nothing like this and I thought maybe she would eventually go back to being that person I fell for.

Kevin, I have been with the same feeling for months. My advice is to read the book : Stop Caretaking Borderline. This book will help you ovecome this feeling. It will show you why do you feel it and how you can change your thinking so that you will be free from guilt.

lm911 has a good point. Stop caretaking the borderline is a good book and I suggest read about the disorder.


I couldn't help but notice where she said "she could be herself" may mean that she felt controlled when you expressed you're hurt. Many if us had floating boundaries or few boundaries at the onset of the relationship. It helps to implement your boundaries at the onset of the relationship. It's a lot hard later on in the relationship to assert boundaries, it's hard for both parties to make changes. Did you tell her you don't tolerate cheating? You have to have boundaries with a pwBPD and healthy r/s's

A pwBPD have very poor boundaries on themselves and have difficulties understanding boundaries of other people. A pwBPD don't know where they end and the other person begins, it could mean that the other person let's her have her way with things.