BPDFamily.com

Long time lurker, first-time poster. Been in contact with my dBPDxgf, and this is what she had to say about what she wanted in our relationship:

"I have a low self-esteem, so there were times where I would do something to upset you so you could beat me."

Wow. She does lie all the time, but I feel like this was a rare moment of clarity. More proof that you just can't win trying to date someone with BPD.

I also got the feeling from my exgf that she felt she needed to be punished. She made reference to being spanked which I found odd. Ive never done that sort of thing and have always felt that there are issues involved in this type of behaviour.

I had a few dates with a woman that wanted to be dominated like you say.  She mentioned it on the second date and I was intrigued (beating with belts, tying up, choking etc... ).  I'm thinking underlying issues. I decided to have a third date with her to learn more.  It turns out there are some Mom and Dad issues involving alcohol.  At the end of the third date I walked her to her door gave her a hug a handshake and ran away fast.   Nice woman, she might have been fun for a little while but it's not worth the trouble in the end.

This wasn't sexual at all, but was about her desire for corporal punishment. Her self-esteem is so low and her self-hatred so great that she would only feel comfortable in a relationship if the guy would get angry and physically beat her in response to her wrongdoing.

Of course I never hit her -- despite her best attempts at provoking me numerous times -- and this refusal on my part led to her feeling "alone" in our relationship. It's really pretty sad.

my dBPDxbf wanted to be dominated.  at first it was a little shades of gray fun... .but i didn't really enjoy it. its just not who i am and was kinda uncomfortable.

But yeah... .he wanted to be punished. now that i think about it... .sometimes i think that's why he acted out- he wanted physical punishment and when i didn't deliver (at all) he raged.  that's demented.

so happy to be out.

One of my most disturbing memories of my ex is from the excruciating weeks of his break-up with me (and his self-sabotage). He was in tears and he said, "I want you to hit me."

I was stunned. How do you reply to that from a partner? This was one of the rare times when he showed me the extent to which he expected hurt to come to him in his relationships. He was normally verbally aggressive with me, saying stuff that he knew would cut, so it was a shock to have him sobbing like this instead of lashing out.

I think that there is another dimension to it.  It is not entirely seeking punishment.  I am a non and twice in my life I have banged my head against the wall severely enough to be swollen for several weeks... .and yet, I do not have suicide ideology.  I am going to describe the context and then my resulting behavior and perhaps it will offer an insight into this "compulsion" for self-harm or being hurt.

My SIL (BPD sufferer) had abused my mother who lived with them severely.  We live in different states.  I wrote to my brother that this type of conduct was not right.  She read the email and called me... .this conversation was a textbook example of DARVO (the perpetrator denies, accuses, rages... .basically makes the victim doubt his/her own reality and by the end of it, turns the table and the victim ends up looking like the perpetrator and the perpetrator ends up looking like the victim).

After I hung up the phone, I banged my head over and over and over and over against the wall, my two little children present and crying.  I just could not stop. 

The other similar episode also occurred in a similar state of mind.

It seems to me as though I had some chemicals coursing through my brain that I needed to release... .I had to do something drastic and imminent.  Perhaps this sensation was/is similar to the ones felt by the BPD sufferers when they self-harm, when they cut themselves.

It's a release from extreme emotional pain.

Perhaps this masochism offers a release from extreme pain... .