BPDFamily.com

Hello- I am currently living with someone who has traits of BPD. We have been friends and dated on and off for three years. We recently decided to get a house together and co parent the children (he has two, I have four- although two of mine often stay with their dad bc of proximity to school) I've been aware of his personality changes since I met him, I was just unaware of how frequent or volatile they are until we began to reside in the same house. He has not been diagnosed with anything, I just see the characteristics.

We have been sharing living space for almost four months. I can't say that we are currently romantic, because I have been so hurt by his words and behavior that I've really disengaged from anything but basic communication.  I don't know whether to stay and make the best of it or to get out as soon as I can. I'm confused, hurt, and frustrated a little right now. I look forward to reading of your experiences and sharing with you.

Hi!

Have you ever seen any of  John Gottman's work? He talks about how, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of communication events that tends to occur. It sounds like you are on that path.

https://bpdfamily.org/2011/02/is-your-marriage-breaking-down.html

We can help you try to recover this and see what the relationship can be (and decide if you want to commit to it). A lot of us get involved and we don't have the tools for this type of thing and react to bad acts by our partner in ways that make matter worse.

Before things can get better - we have to stop making them worse.

Welcome.

Thank you- I had not read his work until now. We are in the stages of breakdown. It has progressed rapidly, it seems.  Or else I wasn't seeing it.

Today he joked around and was friendly in he morning, then when I left for work, I innocently sent a message that he garage door was open, (bc I didn't have a remote and there were too many things to navigate through to go close it from the outside.) he was on the couch watching tv. Said I was a f******psychotic idiot and i saw when i returned home that he'd ripped the button off the wall.   Yes, I could have just gone in and around and closed it. I could have asked if he'd close it so there was no room for him misunderstanding my intent. Or he could have just simply said 'thanks, I'll go do it.'.

  I truly see the wisdom in the stopping of making things any worse. My reply to his message was that his words were disrespectful and mean. When he could communicate in a healthy way I'd be glad to talk. It de-escalated thankfully.

I'd welcome insights on how to respond. I need to stay at least till the end of December but would really like to get through the end of he school year - beg of June... .

But I don't know if I'm up for it. I'm generally strong, independent, wise; but this past month or so - I'm lost.