BPDFamily.com

Hello .I'm new here to the forum. and like everyone I care about someone with BPD or Bipolar or Both. Let me begin my story. I am bisexual woman When I was 14 I became romantically involved with one of my girlfriends. we had a mutual attraction for one another. We only kissed and held hands during our month long romance. Our relationship was cut short because my Mother had found out and ended it. When this happened my Mother approached my friend and basically threatened her life. Calling her all kinds of filthy names etc. I was grounded for over a year. I was n9ot allowed to see my friend who became my girlfriend or my other mutual friends .I was able to sneak behind my moms back and call mutual friends and my girlfriend months later. I at this time began to notice a complete change in my girlfriend. She was not that loving happy person anymore. I told her I still loved her and wanted to be with her. She in turn told me the same thing.  Then 2 weeks after this conversation I had with her on the phone it went from I love you to I don't love you. Then back again to I love you /I don't want you. I stopped talking to her at this point. A few months later I spoke to another friend who was friends with my now ex and she told me that my ex was in a mental institution for 2 months. I never found out at that time why she was there. at a later date I meet up with this same mutual friend to go to the movies. Well behind my back my ex tags along as well. I did not want to see her bc of what she had pulled on me a few times. (I love you / I don't). all she did was stare at me the whole time and take a picture of myself and our other friend. After a while we started to talk and laugh together like we used to do. Once the movies were over I had walked my ex and our friend to the train station. The train was pulling in so I had asked my ex if we could at least be friends again. As she got on the train she turned  and told me No I hate YOU !

After that I never saw or spoke to her again. All this happened in 1987/1988. Decades have passed and enter Facebook. in 2013 I was sent a friends request by YUP MY EX! she told me in her Pm that we should let things go,  we were stupid kids etc. She had gotten married but was now separated from her hubby, (pending divorce) I have a 22 year old son .So after a week I accepted her request and we spoke through FB  messenger.She asked about my life I hers etc... Then she asked me did I know my Mother yelled at her as kids. I told her yes I knew about it and said I was sorry for that. I said lets forget it and move on. Well this Did you know your Mom yelled at me was mentioned by my ex 5 different times from Feb2013 up until this June . I would always cut her off bc I felt she wanted to open up the door to our relationship. In June she sent me a FB message late at night. Right away she again mentions how my Mom yelled at her etc. I finally gave in and we spoke about it. She told me that she did love me back then. did I know that. I told her no and I had thought she hated me by the way she had treated me. She told me "no I never hated you. We then spoke about other things and then Bam she tells me "And I still Love you'! I was in total shock! I could not believe what I was hearing,. I myself had also still loved her for all these years. My ex lives in Canada and I live in NY.  So from June until September 2 we spoke on the phone everyday. Texted everyday . But in this time she went from I'm not interested anymore to I want you. Come live with me in Canada to your moving too fast slow down. Meanwhile none of this moving was my idea. She mentioned when we get married then tried to say it was me who mentioned it. She also told me that she was diagnosed Bipolar at 14 years . she also mentioned to me that she has been committed a few times to mental institutions in Canada. She never told me what for though. During this 2 moth phone affair she wanted to meet to have sex then she would say she hates sex. She wanted me to she didn't want me. Then she ended it with not a care in the world. She told me I was smothering her. It was me coming on to her in the beginning. I started this. I was obsessive of her. ETC. The list goes on. I am devastated. I am so confused at what she did ... .again! 28 years later my ex comes back into my life and breaks my heart in 2. I am having a very hard time coming to terms at what she has done. She completely walked away from this without any regrets or anything. A few days before this we had great phone sex (her idea) then a day later she dumps me. I know she told me she was bipolar but I feel she was misdiagnosed and she is BPD. I have read about the Push/Pull that people with this disorder do to the ones they really love and need the most. Can anyone shed some light into what has happened to me?  Thanks in advance.

 

Confused108,

*welcome*

I'm glad you have found us.  We can help you sort out the confusing things you are dealing with.

Having someone tell you they love you... .then they hate you... .then deny saying they hate you... .is very confusing.

Look to the right of the screen... .look for "choosing a path".  There is a lot of information there that may help you sort this out.

I would encourage you to be ready for her to contact you again.  Very likely she will... and act like "it" never happened... or that "it" is your fault.

While you are learning about what you are dealing with... .I would encourage you to not "jump back in" to this r/s.

She may "push" you to.  Remember... it's not your idea... .she reached out to you... .

Over time... .we can help you sort out your feelings and help you make decisions.

Tell me about your support system.  Do you have friends and family close by that you trust?  Have you ever been or are you in therapy?  (We call a therapist a "T"

Looking forward to your next post... .you have found a safe place.

FF

Thank You Formflier. Much appreciated! I do have a support system. My friends who know my ex and were also her friends too at one time. My family also. I have never been in therapy.  I to be honest jut can't grasp  what my ex has done. She came on so strong. Then at times would pull away. She would say oh I don't hav to tell you I love you were day. I was like what? What are you talking about? Then she would tell me she wasn't interested anymore , then when I had basically "had it" she texted me the next day at 430 am telling me she was afraid  of me bc she was cheated on in the past and she knew me but she didn't. She also said she was "missing my love , but was afaid of it. I told her I would never hurt her and we continued talking on te phone an made a date to meet in October. Of course that never happend bc he dumped me the beginning of Sept. She didn't even call me she sent me an email ending things. I didn't see it until the next morning so I called st asking what is going on? She told me some BS excuses of "why " I was not for her. Basically we were not comparable etc. I foun that this was just all BS. Then I asked her did she love me? She said in a nasty voice she never loved me just as a friend an she didn't know why he said that to begin with. I jut said I'm done and hung up the phone. I myself am married but when we started I was separated from my partner. I had tol my ex girlfriend this so it wasn't like I lied to her. After this my ex girlfriend was stalking my FB page and commenting on that I was back with my wife.  I do know that some filter back into people's lives but I don't see my ex ever coming back into mine. It's really just a very screwed up situation bc I do love her. And I feel that she never loved me.

 

https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/04.htm

Much of what she has done has nothing at all to do with you.  Her emotions came pouring out in odd ways... .you happened to be in the way.

This doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for you (positive or negative)... .but the vast majority of the stuff is about something else.

So, imagine the "intensity" of feelings and relationship stuff that you have experienced since she has been back in your life.  What do you think your life would be like if you experienced that level of intensity your entire life?

If I understand your story (of your entire life)... .you have had some big things go on. 

Going to a T doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.  They are a neutral party whose job it is to help you sort out where you are and what your priorities are in life.  Well... that's one of their jobs.

Another one of their jobs is to help you find you.  If all of this emotional stuff that you have been through is not about you... .then it is reasonable to ask... ."Where do I fit?"  "Where should I fit?"  "What is next?"

I would encourage you to have a well rounded support system and find a T you can get to know and trust.

The goal of a family and friends support system is to keep you socially connected without talking all the time... .(or even talking much)... .about the pwBPD traits in your life.

Leave that talk to your therapist... .and us.

Looking forward to your next post? 

What is the biggest question on your mind right now?

FF

I really just want my ex to get help. Her family is still here in Ny and I have tried to contact them . I never have gotten a response.