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They ignore you for a wk inexplicably after some tension (now I recognize the triggering... )... finally after you reach out to them in a state of panic they message you that so sorry to put you through all this but they just aren't ready for a rs (been together 6 months and got v serious but had little to no conflict or wavering from how he felt abt me or the direction of the rs), there's nothing to figure out and they don't want to meet w you... you immediately drive to their house and text them in the driveway "I'm at your house" and they say "For what?" (LMFAOO!) Then they welcome you in and sit and hold you all night nurturingly while you cry and sob and look for answers and try and understand (but doesn't want to have sex)... say they still have feelings for you when you ask them but they are detached from them... then keeping leaving it w "we'll see, let's just see, idkk... "? Is this just bc of guilt or is there any real hope?

I sent him a cpl messages the next morning right after we left and a cpl emails 2 days later w the subject line "It would help me so much if you let me know you've read this:)"... I needed to do all that to feel like I had gotten everything out that I possibly good in terms of validating where he was at and blah blah blah and my interpretation of why this all happened, the demise of the rs as I look back... but I realize that NC is really the only thing I should be doing now which I am OK with. I'm just wondering if this sounds like a scenario where he's cut me out/deleted me for good or? I also realize that my panic and need for the rs is likely triggering to him and if I had been more detached then perhaps this would not have escalated to this (bc he had been ignoring me purposefully for that time period to avoid having the conversation and dealing w me being devastated and upset (well you don't say!))... so maybe when he feels like I am not in desperate need of contact w him he might contact me again... idk... I did ask him well OK do you want me to never contact you/have contact w each other again and he made a disgusted face and said "Noo that's cutting someone completely out of your life and that's not right... l

It was just so odd the creepy weird coldness of his texts like he was an alien, definitely not the guy - knew, but then was actually pretty kind, warm and loving a second later when he let me in, although he said he was really without feelings or thoughts for the most part although he said he felt really bad abt hurting me and said that w his ex-wife he had been in my position always and couldn't understand how someone could just shut themselves off yet here he was doing it... obviously he was in a dissociative state but... GAHH it's just so brutally gutting...

I forgot to add that he did not reply to any of my messages since then and I'm pretty sure he's not even reading them probably...

I knew him and his rs history before we dated so this was pretty unforeseen, this is not a pattern for him. We did jump v quickly into an extremely intense, complicated rs and he said he had never felt to intensely connected to anyone before (maybe I'm BPD!) so that would make sense, the fear of engulfment I guess... once we started taking it to the next level, meeting children and spending time together all of us he started detaching slowly... I took it peronally but didn't communicate just suffered thinking it was my own issues... but he said "slowly over time I just lost interest... in having a rs... " I said in a rs or interest in me? And I think he said both at first but then switched I think and said no it wasn't me it was the rs piece... I'm like when? And he said idkkkk I don't even remember anything that's happened over the last cpl wks really... (dissociation obviously)

He did say it was nothing abt me, nothing I did, he said "You never even asked me for anything" which was pretty true... now I realize that he needed to be detached from me to an extent esp after we upped to the next level and he knew that this wasn't really normal and that it wld probably cause problems, causing shame in him, then it DID start causing problems... if only I had known :/// I articulated this in my last email but I doubt he even read it :'((

I am awfully gutted though... I realized that I made this guy, this rs my whole world and made it my whole sense of security and safety but I did it bc I thought it was actually a rs that could withstand this, we challenged each other to grow in certain ways and I thought that this issue w me feeling him detaching which I interpreted as me not being a priority would be just another example and I figured we'd have a conversation and I'd allow myself to feel vulnerable and ask for my needs to be met directly instead of holding things in and having a meltdown... even though this only happened over a period of a cpl days before he got triggered, we never even had the conversation :////

Hi Senra,

Have you considered that your pwBPD just may need a little bit of space because he is feeling overwhelmed?

I did not see where he specifically said he did not want to not talk to you again. It seems like he needs time to sort out his feelings and emotions. When a person has a difficult time coping with intense and unstable emotions, piling on more stuff tends to exacerbate things.  When a pwBPD is dysregulating, feelings and emotions are kryptonite.

As I have found, having serious conversations while my pwBPD was dysregulating led to him becoming more emotionally unstable.  He would directly tell me that it was overwhelming to discuss certain things when he was feeling that way.

When emotions become too intense or overwhelming for a pwBPD, they will self-regulate through dissociation, avoidance, impulsive behaviors. 

Hello thank you for your reply; true he did not say that, it's just my assumption "gut" feeling/worst-case scenario tendency to think :/// And yes he had done this actually one other time to me before but quickly re-regulated... the circumstances were much more significant that had been triggering so that's part of what makes me feel that this is the end bc this time is was really relatively "minor" and it has been a longer period of time where he's been dysregulated (I think this is the 3rd wk... of course w no break from hearing from/seeing me for longer than 3 days at a time lol and the avoidance of wanting to hurt me... but I would have thought that although I was sad the other night I was able to regulate by the morning and leaves things v unpressured in his hands, I was hoping that would help ground him along w the physical contact the night before, idk (we didn't have sex he just held me all night and it felt genuine and very caring and natural)...

Hi Senra,


I understand the worrying and feeling the worst case scenario. I do that myself at times.  It is really tough.   

There could be external factors that have nothing to do with you that are influencing dysregulation such as shame or self-loathing. From my experience, that was usually the case. 

I think that he was trying to be there for you the best way he could. If he did not care he would not have done those things. 

Sometimes things just take time to sort out and no matter what we do to try to assuage the situation, time is what is needed for a pwBPD to regulate their emotions.

What I did when I gave my bf space while he was dysregulating was to practice self-care.  It is so easy to forget about your own needs.  Although I was upset I was not in contact with my bf, the space helped me to focus on myself and my needs. It is a different way of looking at the situation.

I feel like I can pretty much track what happened and why in retrospect, I guess my thinking is that if he has such fears of engulfment, and also shame and self-loathing triggered by his feelings/fears of inadequacy in the rs, to make him do something so inexplicably impulsive, what on earth would make him want to come back? Yes he does seem to have feelings for me but without contact w me I feel like I will conveniently and painlessly fade from his radar :// And, his feelings and the intensity of them seem to now be associated in his mind w something fearful and negative and hopelessly painful :/ When he re-regulated last time he was very insightful as to how he acted v extremely and that it was "immature abd selfish" and that it was unnecessary but he seems not to know any any options to choose besides all or nothing (he adnitted this the other night)... I said this is unnecessary you have lots of options here esp if you still have feelings for me... I suggested thaat we cld keep hanging out one night/wk and just be in the moment and not talk or process the rs and if it felt OK to both of us we could leave the boundary there indefinitely, which he at first said ok to then quickly said uh... idk... idk... I really just don't know, we'll have to see... "... so I just left it in his hands as an idea he could take or leave, but as an example of how he coukd enjoy the enjoyable aspects of our rs without the triggering aspects, or an opportunity to try... .

I fear he's the type of BPD that is more out-of-sight, out-of-mind and loses interest/feelings over time instead of the opposite... my last rs was actually w a horribly abusive BPD but he couldn't ever go more than 3 days without getting in contact w me... this guy seems like the opposite w this dysregulation... one time he told me "You know I miss you SO much when I don't see you during the week/weeks that it's like I forget what it's REALLY like to miss you when I see you... " And I asked him if he had thought of me/missed me during the previous wk and he had said yeah here and there, but not like it was before... :'(( this is why I feel like he's just going to let me fade from his life...