BPDFamily.com

  newcomers and oldtimers

Time to start a new thread. There are two spin offs from my last thread, circular arguments and self inflicted wounds. I've read about circular arguments before Form flier brought it up so I'll start there. Once I finish the other lesson I'll post about that too.

So today when I called my partner after my appointment with my social worker and I was telling him how she gave me the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder to learn about my dad my partner told me before the conversation ended "I am your mate" as a sign of support. The ironic thing is my social worker was asking me why my dad's opinion of me mattered. (I've been covering this subject on the coping board but for those who don't read that board: my daughter got sent home from summer camp 5 weeks early this year and even though I told my dad many times I had no say in the matter he would not acknowledge this. My social worker asked me why my dad's opinion of me mattered.)

This ties into my subject, I am your mate, the other person that's troubling me is my partner's wife. In my last subject about "why fight at all" I was talking about my partner's wife told him she thought it was inappropriate I sent a card and pictures to his parents and form flier asked me "why do you care what she thinks?"

Well, the answer to that question is my father is a narcissist,  :), but to deal with the subject at hand, I am your mate, well, I (perhaps mistakenly so) likened me caring about what my dad thinks to me caring about what my partner's wife thinks so then when my partner reassures me at the end of the conversation "I am your mate" it sounds hollow to me.

How does this tie into circular arguments you ask? Well, I want to tell him "No you're not my mate, you're still married to X, you're still living in Y, how can you be my mate?" I experience the same thing when he tells me: I miss you, I care about you, I love you, I'm devoted to you, I want to be with you, I miss us, I need to move so I can get on with my healing. It all makes me want to pick a fight with him and get mad at him. I don't, but I just wish these bad feelings would go away.

There has got to be a middle ground between picking a fight and saying "No you're not my mate because you're married to x and you live in y" and just accepting what he says carte blanche as being true for him without any say for myself.

Its kind of funny because today in my recovery meeting somebody said to me "I heard you were married" and looked at my hand and i had taken off my engagement ring this morning because I was mad at my partner. I of course put it back on because like it or not, meaning I haven't called off the engagement, yet, I'm still engaged. In fact the person who asked me made a joke about thats a good place to be, perpetually engaged.

   

Do some of the recurring problems in your r/s keep happening because you don't speak up for yourself enough? Not doing so could add to your resentment and frustration more than lessen them. If something is truly important to you, and he's your partner/potential mate, express yourself. Take the 'circular' out of it by being as straight with him as you can be.

How do I tell the man who considers himself to be my mate "you're not my  mate because you're still married to x and you still live with in y" without being accused of being combative or confrontational or borderline, all things he's accused me of. He'll say something like "I was just trying to be affectionate", which is what happened the last time when I didn't react positively to him telling me he was thinking of me in an intimate way. How do I tell that to a man who put a 1K engagement ring on my finger that I had picked out myself? (Which was more then the set of wedding rings my ex husband and I bought together).

It sounds to me like you are still sending undecided signals his way. He views the r/s one way; you, another. How to reconcile this, keeping in mind that neither of you is responsible for the other's feelings?

By not being honest (invalidating yourself), resentment builds, such as taking off the ring, which seems like a way to say "I just broke up with you!" but to yourself. That's not healthy for you or the r/s. However, If I heard, "I'm not your mate because [JADE]," that would sound to me that you don't want to be in the relationship. You're viewing things from opposite angles.

Could you come up with a SET statement that validates your feelings and his, yet contains the truth?

I immediately went to SET also.

The fundamental piece is getting to the point you can say your Truth.

Which means you have clarity on your Truth.

That's the work that no one can do except you.

Remember... .less is more when communicating with pwBPD.

"Thank you for feeling like my mate."

"You are not my mate... .yet"

"Thanks for the support"

Short and to the point.

I suspect he is pushing to advance the r/s.

FF

Turkish considering he lives in X and I live in Y, he doesn't see me taking off the ring because I usually make sure to put it back on before I get on FaceTime.

I will reread the SET lesson.

I have to say every time he says "I love you" I hear either "I need you" or "please love me" or "I need you to love me". Every time he calls me affectionate little nicknames ... .

FF, he proposed to me before he even met me. He already advanced the r/s 3 years ago. If I say to him you are not my mate yet he will blow up at me and go borderline, I guarantee it. I can not say that to him. Can you come up with something a little less confrontational? I guarantee you if I say that I will get called confrontational, combative, borderline.

Is there a lesson on getting to the point where you can say your truth?

I wish there was such a lesson. I spent years in therapy getting there, which made me about 70% ready to be a Non to a man with PTSD from a 30 year marriage to a uNPD/BPD.

I was invalidated as a child - by my parents/extended family, by my church, by my government (I am a child of the60s Civil Rights era). That required first finding my Truth, separate from those who would define me, then finding my Voice to express that Truth.

What do you want to say to him?

If he says you are combative.,... end the conversation

FF

FF, this about how I feel when he tells me "I am your mate": not good. I didn't say anything to him when he told me that. I already stopped him from calling me his bride. He used to tell me he considered me to be his wife but I put a stop to that. I don't really have the energy to put up a boundary around the word mate right now so I'm letting it go for now.

OK... I think I understand now.  Don't make a big deal about it.

Be even in your delivery... .tell him what you want... .avoid telling him what not to do. 

Stay positive.

" please refer to me as your fiancée "

Talk about something else.

FF

Thank you FF, I think I would feel comfortable saying "yes, you are my fiancé" as a way of correcting him, that way I could affirm that I haven't called off the engagement yet but dont have to say yes you are my mate.

//

How about the part where his I love you sounds like I need you to love me?

Or... .just thank him for the affection.

You don't have to say I love you back.  He may not express himself well... .but acknowledge his efforts. 

Nudge them in a different direction if you want something different.

FF

Yes, I don't mind saying I love you back, its the "I am your mate" I have a problem with.  It reminds me of the "Is that any way to talk to your partner"   argument that happened last Monday. Telling me "I am your mate" after I just got finished telling him that his wife telling him it was inappropriate for me to mail his parents invalidates me in the same way my father telling me I could have done something about my daughter getting sent home 5 weeks early from camp is not very comforting or reassuring to me. He likes to tell me he belongs to me, he's taken, he's off the market, he's mine. He claims that's why he was able to talk to me in the first place, because his wife didn't act like a wife. He said if she acted like a proper wife he never would have talked to me in the first place.


I read through the dysfunctional dance and self inflicted wounds lesson but I don't have anything to say on it right now.

He's wanting to fit in. To be accepted. Acknowledged.

And you do too. And so do I. And so did my bride to be.

There's an openness to that we're all looking for.

Not the closed-in, owned, overly-controlled uncomfortables.

What you're asking is how do you get out of the corner?

Be true to yourself. Then: Whoever's with you is with you.

Myself, may I ask what your story is. You mentioned a bride to be, and you have an ex romantic partner .

//

Every time I see my partner on FaceTime he always tells how much he enjoys being with me.

//

Our r/s consisted of 10-14 day visits every 2-3 months where he'd stay with me. Then when I found out his divorce hadn't been filed I put a stop to those visits. I haven't seen him since June. He was planning on moving out here last month. He claims he didn't know his divorce hadn't been filed.

//

//

That's where things are at today.

/

I don't know that I want to fit in, be accepted, be acknowledged . I already know my life is very different. Today my social worker was telling me she was astounded at my lack of family support. I think I've gotten used to not fitting in, being  accepted or acknowledged. I also know there is one place I fit in.

So... .based on what you have learned... .what do you think is a healthy response to this statement.

FF

FF, I don't know because I just got another one in text about how he wishes he was laying next to me in bed. Let's see, it's Saturday morning, I was up past midnight taking care of my daughter who has a really bad case of poison oak. I still haven't seen his divorce decree, or escrow paper. He and I are living two very different realities.

/

One more catch : I live in privately managed  family apartments so if I have a guest for more then two weeks out of the year I need permission from the management. So every time he's laid next to me it's because I've had to ask permission. Some of the other people that live here  are married couples with children, I was married when I first moved my family here, and it's very shameful to me to be in the kind of relationship I am. It's very shameful to me that my partner thinks of me in this way and I have no idea how to respond to him when he texts that to me. Everything changed for me when I found out his divorce wasn't filed. It was bad enough I had to ask permission for a man who wasn't my husband to stay with me. There's no way on this earth I'm going to ask permission to have  a man who's still someone else's husband to stay with me. It's embarrassing to me as all get out.

I know he's not happy where he's at. I know he is really eager to leave his state. I don't share his fantasy.

I don't wish he was lying next to me on this quiet Saturday morning. I'm quite content to not have him in my apartment .

Yes you are... .

Is that ok with you?  Sit with that for a while... .share your thoughts and feelings with us.

I'm going to challenge again... .when he says "I am your mate... ."  what is a healthy response based on what you have read and learned here.  Consciously ignore all the other silliness he has said/texted.  Just focus on that one statement... .you are thinking about the next time he says it... .the past is the past.

I'll help guide...

Do you want to inflame or calm a situation?

Do you want to agree or disagree with him? 

What to do with his emotions... .your emotions?

FF

FF, I appreciate what you're trying to do here but that was yesterday and this is today and I have a whole new problem: the texts I got this morning.

I haven't read or replied to them. I'm tempted to delete them. There's 5 and I assume they're all from him. I don't want to read them. I had asked him to prepare a couple of paragraphs for me covering what he's done since we last talked to move his divorce along as well copies of the documents I asked for. That's what I want to read when I wake up not some sentimental fluff about he wishes he were laying next to me.

I can tell you this: things got so bad with my partner that I wondered if I had made a mistake ending my marriage a decade ago. However when I found out my child's father was still using drugs that put a stop to that. He would be no less embarrassing to be in a relationship with .

I have no response for his wanting to lay next to me. I don't want him laying next to me. I'm perfectly content being alone with my daughter this morning.

I do not want to inflame the situation.

I do not want to agree with him.

I do not care how he feels. I don't think he should feel the way he does, I think it's immoral and unethical . I feel like he defrauded me to get close to me and now that the truth's come out I don't want to have anything to do with his desires until he cleans his mess up.

I'm not really interested in sharing with him how I feel because that makes me feel like a nag.

Perhaps I should deal with this "I wish I were laying next to you" in a new post about self inflicted wounds. I could definitely tie it into shame.

Do you think this contributes to problems piling up and things not getting solved in your life?

You have choices.

You can only handle... what you can handle.

I'm getting the vibe that you don't want to deal with texts... .don't.

Set an alarm for Sunday at 3:47 pm... .deal with them then... .not a moment sooner.  Or pick another time more suiting.

Go back to the original problem you have... .(I am your mate... .)... .sort through a solution to that... .then move along... .

Otherwise... .I am your mate will be back... and you will not be ready.

 

You are in charge here... .you are in charge of you and what you do... .and what issues you solve.

FF

Hi FF, I wish I were laying next to you is just as bad as I am your mate.

My solution is to ignore them.

There are other things I have to communicate about that have to do with my mental health and my daughters physical health.

He and I interact every day by text, phone and FaceTime. That's how's it been for 3 years, aside from the times he's stayed with me in my apartment.

Yes I have a whole pile of things he says to me that I'm not comfortable with.

His reality very much defines our relationship as it has from the beginning. Even his wife once described him to me as an emotional vampire. He on the other hand thought her emotions were superficial. He says he likes me because I'm intense like him but what he doesn't understand is I don't like being intense and I'm working really hard to change that.

I've read how pwBPD are like parasites that infect the emotions of their victims and take residence in them. I want to reverse that process. I don't want him occupying my inner world anymore.

You seem really confused on how to deal with this situation. Honestly, the situation is very messy and confusing. Here's what I see going on:

1. Today, he is pursuing you in this relationship, you are backing off, and you are afraid that if you are honest about backing away, he will have a dysregulated meltdown over it.

2. He says he is committed to a relationship with you, and acts like he's trying to move it forward, but was deceptive to you about still being married, and hasn't (thus far) been taking actions to divorce his wife.

---

You are (understandably) very uncomfortable about the second issue, and don't sound like you have resolved what you should do about it. The options that YOU can choose about it are stark:

A: Let him continue to have the benefits of a relationship with you while married to his wife.

B: End your relationship with him.

C: Back off from the relationship in some way while you wait for him to divorce.

D: Fight with him to get him to divorce.

I can't come up with other options that you have. Yes, HE could change the situation and may well do so, but you have to accept that it is your situation today and choose what option you want.

... .and all this ambiguity, and this really uncomfortable choice for you does a lot to cloud the question of how to deal with him.


One thing I will say is this--if today you don't feel like sharing your feelings with him, or even dealing with him today... .then don't. If you don't want to read the messages, it is OK to delete them.

Honor your own feelings about this first, before his. And enjoy being with your daughter  

Thank you grey kitty, he did interview another lawyer which he didn't think was a fit and he did talk to a friend about her experience with divorce this week. We were supposed to meet on FaceTime this week to talk about it but then my daughter got poison oak and that got in the way. I asked him to prepare a couple of paragraphs for me along with some documents.

Until my daughter is recovered and goes back to school for a full day I won't have the privacy I need in my apartment to discuss this with him.

I think I choose the 4th option, fight with him to get him to deliver the divorce decree and escrow papers he said he found. Fight with him to get another divorce lawyer. For now.

I'm not so much confused as I am enraged.

I know how I feel.

I know if I share even one drop of how I feel he will dysregulate and I do not want that.

So I feel stuck.

So I'm not going to respond to the "I wish I were laying next to you."

That's the best I can come up with right now. That will allow me to eventually back off if that's what I need to do. If he dysregulates that will get in the way of me backing off. Me not responding to I am your mate or I wish I was lying next to you is my way of backing off. It's better then me rejecting I want to take you to bed which resulted in a fight. That's what happened the last time I tried to stand up to him when he told me something I didn't want to hear: a fight.

Geez, I just got another email from him about missing the warmth of my body, I didn't even read it. He's really going all out today. I don't want to deal with that.

///

And guess what? Last week we got in a fight because he sent me an email on a Saturday morning.

So guess what? I have an opportunity to do this over. I don't want to read his text or his email. If I pick up the phone to call him he will ask me if I got his text or email.

I don't have a lot of options here.

Last Saturday he sent me an email about enjoying being a part of my family. That's what started my previous topic, why fight at all.

This is crazy.

I've got a couple thoughts about what is going on with him pursuing you.

First, have you read about the push-pull games and dynamics? (I suspect there is something in the Lessons about that, but don't remember... .) pwBPD play those games / respond to those games.

You are pushing him away, and his natural reaction is to chase after you.

Second one:

You are correct that telling him more about how you feel about his staying married and pursuing you isn't going to sit well with him. I wouldn't recommend you say that.

Your feelings are real, though. The more you see him trying to contact you, the more pissed you seem to be getting today. (And the less you respond, the more he chases you!)

Try something different. Be honest and direct with him about your feelings in a small way, not a large way. What about sending a text to him like this:


You don't have to tell him why. You don't have to make it bigger than it is.

Are you happy with how that choice is working?

I see feeling stuck as a natural consequence of that choice--because the resolution you want -- him getting a divorce -- isn't one you can make happen. You could fight for the next three years with him over it and he might still not be divorced.

Unicorn2014,

The greykitty is a wise one. 

There was (ok... still is) a dynamic in my relationship where I "make a deal" with my wife... .she gets hers first... .then what do you think happens when it's "my turn". 

This used to be enraging to me.  It's still bothersome.  I would pour lots of energy into "making her" comply.  Conflict resulted.

When I chose to change the dynamic... .when I chose to act and make choices about things that I control... .big changes happened.  And I was happier

Do you like Charlie Brown?  What happens when Lucy holds the football for Charlie? 

Do you see the "football" dynamic in your relationship?

FF

Grey kitty if I told him that he'd totally dysregulate. I'll call him on my way to meeting. Usually we get in fights after meeting so I won't say I'll call him after , I'll just tell him I'm going to the store. If someone could pull that lesson on push/pull dynamics that would be great because two weeks ago my social worker was saying my father was doing that.

//

Also ironically my pwBPD loves to accuse me of pushing him away. That's one of his favorite things to do when he dysregulates.

I think if I can stay away from addressing his text or email I will be fine.

I don't really have a whole lot of options of avoiding a dysregulation from him.

I may miss the warmth of his body however ethics and morality supersedes that. Sure I'm "lonely", I didn't start out as a single mother, I was married, but I was single for 7 years before I met him so this is nothing new. He claims he didn't know loneliness before he met me and I know he has a really hard time with that feeling.

There's part of me that doesn't care. He did this to himself. He initiated a LDR with another woman while he was still married. Yes I knew he was married by the time he came to see me but not when we first started talking. When I asked him if he was he denied it. So I allowed myself to get emotionally attached to him. Then he told me he was getting a divorce and he assured me that's what he was doing all along but his lawyer didn't do his job. It's no wonder I feel cold towards him today. My ardor has cooled significantly .

Hi FF, don't know Charlie Brown, I like ghost in the shell, a manga  |iiii .

Can you explain to me the football dynamic?

https://youtu.be/055wFyO6gag

After you watch... I'll let you explain it.

FF

 

Are you responsible for making sure he dysregulates... or not?

FF

|iiii

FF I will watch after my meeting.

He told me loves his mate in a text. That doesn't bother me. It's not the same as I am your mate.

I do feel responsible for making sure he doesn't dysregulate. It's something I struggled with in therapy for years. I know I'm not responsible for him not dysregulating. So that's where I'm stuck. I can not deal with his dysregulations.

I was able to talk to him on the phone without addressing his texts and I haven't read his email yet.

Last week I shared about how he Sent an email that says he enjoys being a part of my family and then when I wouldn't respond the way he wanted he would say he shouldn't have said that. Of course he would also say he wasn't looking for a response.

I don't want to have that argument again.

I'm starting to notice a pattern in his communication as a result of writing on this board.

I know it's not my responsibility and I can not and have not been able to deal with his dysregulations . I can not stand them. IM hypervigilant to them. I detected the slightest change in his voice and I get nervous. I can't stand managing them. If I say he's dysregulated he'll deny it until after. 

This is most likely the most important realization that you have made. 

As long as this is the case... .he has power over you.

What do you think can be done to change this?


This is what I don't understand... .  You are in a LDR... .when he dysregs... .are you not able to not answer phone, avoid reaching emails and texts. 

What am I missing here?


Once the balance of power shifts in the relationship, it will be possible to never have the argument again.

Until then... .he will decide about the argument.

FF

If I ignore him when he dysregulates it makes the problem worse. Now he's telling me he enjoys sharing our lives together. I'm trying to push him to interact more with his friends and family in his state. I don't want him to escape his life to be with me. That's not how I want to start a relationship.

He's really wanting to connect today and he's 2,000 miles away.

He's 2,000 miles away because I informed him his divorce hadn't been filed.

He's been telling me he's going to move out here for 2+ years.

I don't have much empathy or sympathy for him. I might have 2 years ago but it's gone now.

How so?  Worse for who?

If you don't see it... .hear it... .read it.  I don't understand how it impacts you.


FF

I wAtched the video, I don't get it, she lied to him, she told him she wasn't going to take away the football but she did.

If he starts to dysregulate and I cut it off, it worsens.

Anyways he hasn't dysregulated yet. So far I've been able to steer clear of his feelings.

Perhaps it was a mistake to encourage him to reconnect with his friends and family in his state but I'm sick of him putting all his attention on me. They miss him, they like him, and I would like to see him interacting with more of them, not just his parents. That would show me he's emotionally healthy. That would make me want to stay. I guess I do sound undecided now but I am talking about the kind of things that would make me want to stay in the relationship.

Very early on in our r/s one of my former therapist observed he couldn't maintain a r/s with me and his best friend at the same time so it's one or the other. It's still like that, although not as extreme as it once was.

How so?

FF, today was a good Saturday, he did not dysregulate , I got a very positive card from his father, he tried to pick a fight at the very end of the day and I did not pick up.

mate1

māt/Submit

noun

1.

each of a pair of birds or other animals.

"a male bird sings to court a mate"

synonyms:   match, fellow, twin, companion, other half, equivalent

"this sock has lost its mate"

2.

a fellow member or joint occupant of a specified thing.

"his tablemates"

synonyms:   partner, life partner, husband, wife, spouse, lover, live-in lover, significant other, companion, helpmate, helpmeet, consort; More

verb

1.

(of animals or birds) come together for breeding; copulate.

"successful males may mate with many females"

synonyms:   breed, couple, copulate

"pandas rarely mate in captivity"

2.

connect or be connected mechanically.

"a four-cylinder engine mated to a five-speed gearbox"



These are the definitions of the word, "mate"... .which can be used both as a verb and as a noun.  Which part of this definition would you agree that it genuinely applies to you and which part does not?

I recommend that you write out the answer as though it is a class assignment and from two perspectives.  So it will be a four part assignment. --the term "mate" as a noun and as a verb.

Unicorn's perspective of being him as her mate--the term "mate" described as a noun.

Unicorn's perspective of being him as her mate--the term "mate" described as a verb.

And then reverse the tables and write out what you think is his perception of being a mate--defined as a noun

and what is his perception of being a mate--defined as a verb.

This is an exercise in clarification... .what part of this definition do you not like?  What part of the role of being a "mate" do you resent?

Ambivalence exists from both your sides.  He is as ambivalent and conflicted about this relationship as you are.  You do not want the relationship to end, you just want it to change.  He does not want it to end, he wants it to change.  He calls you to be loved and to be soothed.  Because you feel treated unfairly and have resentment, you cannot offer that.  You want to be comforted, loved and soothed too. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If he divorces his wife tomorrow and moves in with you, do you think your resentment will magically disappear after this act of devotion? 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Regardless of what insights you glean, we are here to give you strength in yourself.  We are and will stay by your side, each step of the way.

Hi palla, before I complete the exercise I need to repeat that  he can't move in with me for two reasons. 1) we're not married 2) as I mentioned earlier I live in private family housing that is income based. My "fiancé" has an income that is exponentially higher then mine. He could not live here.

My "fiancé"'s father told me my fiancé needs a lot of love. If that's not a portrait of a pwBPD I don't know what is. My fiancé stubbornly and defiantly clings to his diagnosis of PTSD. So he takes medication to treat his PTSD and calls a therapist when he needs help with step parenting . He is doing absolutely nothing to deal with his abandonment and insecurity and identity issues. He would deny having them.

My responsibility is to love my daughter, and to love myself.

Whatever happened between my fiancé and his wife she does not want to let go of him but he does not want to reconcile with her. That is what I resent. That is what is unfair. It is not clean. My fiancé went through no grieving or healing period from his former marriage. He in fact started our relationship as a parallel relationship and even though his wife moved out and he sold their house and closed their business, she's still calling him.

I can tell you right now we are not matched because I waited 7 years between relationships and during those 7 years I was in therapy, DBT, divorce recovery, 12 step programs. I worked really hard to get to a place where I could have another relationship and this is what I got. A LDR with a man with BPD symptoms he won't even deal with who's not yet divorced from his wife but wants to have a full fledged relationship with me.

I know he's devoted to me, but he can't be, he has unfinished business. I don't doubt he's devoted to me. That's not the problem. I think he's being irresponsible trying to be a part of my family before he totally severs his relationship with his wife. I think he's being selfish, self centered, needy, thoughtless. I am unhappy. If she were to let him go that would be a different story but she hasn't. I don't want that kind of drama in my life. It makes me very displeased. I think he's using me to try to escape his life and his responsibilities under the guise of helping me and being there for me.

Unicorn2014,

I think several of us are getting more of an understanding of your r/s and the issues that are going on there.  I believe you are heading in the right direction.

What I'm not understanding... .is how his dysregulations affect you.  Especially since you are in a LDR.

If I understand your previous answers... .you were not able to express yourself in certain ways because he would dysregulate... .and that dysregulation would have a negative impact on you.

As long as you make decisions based on whether or not your partner dysregulates or not... .BPD will have a really big hold over your life.

The reason I'm asking this question or looking for clarification is I don't understand how a partner dysregulating a couple thousand miles away has such an impact on you that you are not able to express yourself.

There very well may be a great reason that I have missed... .

Glad you had a great day yesterday...    |iiii

FF

FF, I appreciate what you are saying. It takes a lot of energy to control myself and I am sick  of it. I am tired of making excuses for my partner. I don't want to make excuses for things that aren't ok. My partner just hung up on me because I told him I get really angry with him when he asks me if we're still doing something that I said we would be doing yesterday, and repeated it today. He literally just got off the phone with me 10 minutes ago where I said we would be doing a certain activity and then he sends me a text and tells me to let him know if we're still doing that thing. I do not have the energy to be reassuring him 24/7. Its exhausting. I am starting to really not care anymore. I don't have the emotional stamina for this kind of relationship.

////

So, to answer your question, it takes a lot of energy to prevent him from dysregulating 2,000 miles away. He was starting to dysregulate last night and he succeeded today. I don't have the energy to hold off his dysregulations. He started to dysregulate over something totally trivial last night. I wouldn't look up from what I was doing to see a pan he was showing me so he got snarky with me. I was trying to pour a batter from a mixer into a pan and he got mad at me for not looking up at him. Then he accused me of giving him a protocol lecture when I told him he could have just waited for me to finish what I was doing. Then this afternoon he hung up on me twice because I told him it really made me angry when he was always needing reassurance from me. I didn't use those words.

I told him he was heading for a dysregulation last night.

He told me on the phone "do not lecture me", which was a different flavor of what he said last night in a text "... .protocol lesson".

I hate it when he talks to me this way, I get really angry.

I can't just sit there and ignore. It takes a lot of energy not to respond to the provocation.

I hung up on him because he kept saying "do not lecture me" "do not lecture me" "do not lecture me".

We were supposed to meet at 2 today to help me daughter with her homework.

He called me to tell me this morning that his father called him back a second time.

I didn't need to know that.

I feel like he needs to me to hold his hand as I walk him down the path of rebuilding a relationship with his father.

I do not care.

I want him to get divorced.

That's all I care about.

"I want him to get a divorce."

This here unicorn is your truth, your reality. It is the reason you are unable to get beyond how you feel at the moment.

This truth runs throughout all your posts and without a resolution you will always be caught in a circular argument with your SO because you cannot move forward without it's resolution.

Given that wanting a divorce underpins everything for you and a sustainable relationship, how can move forward without it?

Sweetheart I do not know.

I just got in a big fight with my SO because I got sick and tired of him. He hung on me twice and when I called him back he just kept repeating "stop lecturing me" so I hung up on him. Now he's telling me I'm abusive because I told him he treats me like his old stuffed rabbit that he drags down the hall with him.

That is a very good question and one I will think about.

I never wanted to be in a relationship with a married man.

It is shameful to me.

I will give a lot of thought to your question.

Thank you for your reply!

    

Btw when I told my SO that the only way we are going to resolve this argument is if he gets a divorce he said "I see no point in talking until then".

What am I supposed to say to that?

That sounds like the silent treatment to me.

Remember when you were posting in Undecided about the need for better boundaries, what might a boundary look like here to help protect you emotionally against the situation you now find yourself in?

Forget about your fiancé for a moment, what he is doing and saying, and think about you and your needs.

Be kind to yourself and remember your truth, that's what's important.   

That is a very good question sweetheart and thank you.

I know I appreciate the support from my partner in regards to my daughter.

I really appreciate having someone to talk to about her.

I will have to give this a lot of thought and perhaps reread about boundaries from a staying perspective and repost about it.

Thank you very much for your reply.

*mod*

The topic of discussion is now locked for reaching it's post limit. The topic is continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285631.0