BPDFamily.com

There will be an older post, in which I have explained my situation. To give brief idea, I was in Singapore and she was in USA, basically long distance relationship. Emotional, Financial and mental abuse happened to me. She stopped communicating me from January 2014, sometimes we were communicating 2 to 3 lines using Skype. In a week or once in two times a week. I got USA in May 2015, a week before coming to US, she broke the news that she has boyfriend. I still came to try my luck and obviously I have resigned my job in Singapore, had no option.

I stayed in motel and went to her door, to find out what's going on. FYI , her parents supported me. She was annoyed since her boy friend freaked out ( boy friend is an unemployed with student visa). She told me to meet next day at lunch. I went there and she handed me divorce papers and rings. She filled uncontested divorce and I signed them. Now we were provided 61 days periods to think before finalizing divorce. I started living and working in USA and rented a place in this period. She contacted me twice, I heard from her that she and boy friend had fight and he gave her scare on face. Then I asked her if she wants to meet. In meeting she told me that she wants to come back to me and then next moment she tells that she don't want because everything happened in past and I hurt her ( which I don't but still I apologies to her). I dropped her home and she mailed me saying that she can't be with me.

Yesterday I went to finalize our divorce and being emotional I told her we are meeting last time and I am sorry for everything. For that she start arguing and we were on the way to court house, I was very stressed and I almost met to the accident for 3 different occasion, which she realized too. She haven't had breakfast we went to take breakfast. While walking back, she said she wants to go home and she wants time to think. Same time I felt very happy and very scared. I don't know what to do. Accepting her illness give try one more time or just get divorce and move on. In this situation I don't want to push her, plus I don't want attorney to be involved.

Please provide me guidance.

What do you want to do?  If you stay with her... .you will need to do a lot of work to learn how to deal with a person with BPD.

If you leave you will need to work through the feelings you have out of this relationship so that your next one is more successful.

It is really up to you.  We will support your choice.

FF

If I decide to live with her, of course I will have to work hard a lot, but then what I am thinking " what if it is back to the square again?" I mean if she goes somewhere else, again it will be major problem. Earlier also I have worked a lot with her ( but it was long distance relationship). If I do now I don't know the future of any success. I am signal  source of income for my parents and myself, I haven't left with much after all these years of agony. I know all will answer me to move on. Dual mind or confusion in this circumstances plays a very evil role. Many of us have gone through this situation and according to their experience if I can get best possible advise it will be appreciated. Like someone have tried and he/she had succeeded in relation.

what do you want to do  - stay or go ?

and what does she want ?

why did she have a bf ? what made her do it?

Whether you want her back or not, you need to accept that she is unlikely to change very much, not without intensive therapy over years.  Many refuse to change.  Many can't manage to change for very long.  They go in cycles of push and pull.  And too often it gets worse, not better, as time goes on.

So you need to accept that "what you see is what you get".  If she's had affairs already, they will happen again.  Promises don't count.  Actions do.  And you already know what her actions have been thus far.

Also, she told you that her BF was abusive.  Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't.  Maybe she egged him on until he reacted.  When a person has BPD, you often can't trust what they say happened, often it is told in an emotionally convincing way that makes them look like the victim and the other the aggressor.  The truth could be very different.

So ponder carefully.  In the future could you live a peaceful, relaxing life with her or would it continue to be filled with recurring affairs, conflict, arguments, etc?  If you had children together, would the children have calm, peaceful lives or would they be stuck in the middle between two arguing parents?  Right now, a divorce is simple, no children, just file some papers and it is done.  But if you got back together, had children and then decided to divorce, you would be tied to her trying to raise the children with a very likely uncooperative ex-wife.

To me, the fact that she was married but was living with a BF (one that you know of, maybe more) indicates that you need to let this one go.  As others have said, there are healthier fish in the sea.