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Since I grew up the scapegoat child of a uBPD Mother, I feel very close to my Dad.  While like all of us, not without his faults, he has a good kind heart.  Life was always better for me when he was around.  She was not nearly as mean to me in his presence.  I became a Daddy's girl.  Whenever he left on and errand and I could, I'd go with him.  I have many memories of sitting in the car with him.

Now that I am out of the house, she is not as mean to me, in fact she's kind of nice to me a lot of the time. 

Mom had surgeries on April 1 and September 29.  She got very mean to him in the aftermath both times.  This week he hit rock bottom with her again.

He talked to me for about an hour.  He poured out his heart about how bad things are for him. On the one hand, I think it's not right for me to take this role in a parent's life. On the other, he is 80 years old and has nobody else to talk to.  He told me today that he'd thought about emailing me the message " -9 on a scale of 1 to 10", but he didn't know if I'd figure out what he meant.  What he meant was how he and Mom are doing now.  She's been raging on him since Tuesday because he got himself a sandwich at McDonalds and didn't her get one. AFTER HE ASKED if she wanted anything and she said no.  Once I told him he could talk about it if he wanted to, he poured his heart out. 

I am so sad for him.  I wish I could do more than just listen.  At his age,he is not going to get counseling.  Even if he did, she would find out and rage on him about that, thereby negating any good it did him.

This is how good a man he is.  He said that he would have left her years ago if she'd had a job and could have taken care of herself.  But he won't leave her.  He made a commitment to take care of her and is going to do so the best way he can.

He has offered to do many things, many extreme things, make many changes to make her happy, and of course, she will hear none of it. She'd rather wallow in her misery and bring him down with her.

The good that comes of it is that I do examine my own actions toward my DH (I posted about that last week.)  After talking to Dad, even more closely.  After being around them or after one of these talks, I shape up and am a better person myself.

I just wish I could help him more.  He's a good person and he's miserable and it's not fair. (I know, the only fair has a ferris wheel in the middle).  My heart sometimes just aches for him.  I don't even know how to express how deeply I feel for him here.  My eyes are watering a bit as I type this.

At the end of the phone call tonight, he said "I love you".  Something I rarely hear.  And I told him I love him back.  It was a special moment.  I wish it wasn't surrounded by all of his unhappiness.

I don't know if this is emotional incest in the strictest term.  For one thing, I put myself there, he doesn't demand it of me.  Given his personality, he'd stop if I asked him to.  I'm not going to do that.  He will have no other outlet if I'm not there for him.  And the nBPD Dad, not uBPD. 

Very much a man of his generation and also unfortunately enabling.  My SO stayed in his marriage much longer than he should have for much the same reasons.  In the end once they divorced lo' and behold she got herself a job. 


 


I don't think there is emotional incest going on with you and your dad... .just love.   

I can hear how painful all of this is for both of you but if there is one thing I've learned on this site it is that we can only change ourselves and can not change others.  It has always been and continues to be up to your dad to make changes in his life.  As much as you want to fix things for him only he really can.

That being said... .you can certainly throw some of the skills from this site your dad's way.  It will be his choice if he uses them though.  How about talking to him about boundaries.  How about he leaves when she rages?  Do you think he would be willing to try using SET? 

You are a good daughter to your dad and that is a testament to him too.  As you support him be sure to take care of yourself too.  A worn out todayistheday will not be at the top of her game.

Take Care,

Panda39

Hi todayistheday

Panda39 has given you some great advice!


Well kind of nice is at least kind of an improvement :)


This reminds me of something from our article/workshop about validation where an example is giving about how even when the other person says no, the person can still get mad because you 'should' have known that it really was 'yes'. It's difficult dealing with situations like this. I am sorry your dad is still going through this.


Sometimes listening and showing that you care is the best thing you can do for another person. The fact that you listened to him, just might have given him the strength to get through that difficult day. I totally understand your desire for wanting to do more for your dad, yet by listening to him and showing that you care, you might be doing more for him than you realize.


He made a commitment and whether it is right or wrong, I do respect his choice and loyalty. Your mother is disordered and your dad does realize that, and within this context he's trying to make the best of things. He made a commitment out of a sense of duty, knowing full and well the consequences for him, yet he still chose to do it and that is something I respect and understand. It is unfortunate though that his choice is taking such a huge toll on him.


From everything you say it becomes clear how much you care about your dad. Caring from afar is sometimes all we can do, but like I said before, the fact that he knows you care and are there for him might be a greater gift to him than you realize. A listening ear and some kind words can work wonders.


I think there are various ways to look at things. As we get older and educate ourselves about BPD we can then make choices to be there for our loved ones. Choices that are not the result of fear, obligation, guilt, emotional incest etc., but choices that are the result of our love and personal sense of duty. When you see someone hurting I see it as a positive thing if you try to help that person, while at the same time keeping certain boundaries in place and protecting our own well-being. We are living in an imperfect reality with a lot of challenges as a result of our disordered family-members. Within that context I think you are doing the best you can and are navigating yourself through these challenges.

Take care

Both of your replies have given me a lot of comfort.  I'm dealing with this day by day.  I am so glad that I live two hours away from the drama.  I do wish I could do more for my Dad, but the fact is, I can't.

My sister has less pity for him than I do. I had a talk with her about Thanksgiving tonight (another post I'm getting ready to make)  Her attitude is "He was going to leave her when I graduated high school and he didn't.  Now he has to live with the consequences."  She does live next door to the drama.  I seem to know more about what's going on than her.  She flat out told me that she doesn't go there.  Which is somewhat infuriating because she's gotten 25 years of free babysitting and taxi service from my parents (and is still getting the taxi service, her youngest is 15.)  It is understandable.  As I said in paragraph 1, I am happy to be two hours away rather than 30 seconds away.  She was golden child and she can't stand it, I was scapegoat child.  I would not be able to deal.

I am moving forward in my "recovery", as I am now able to observe the behaviors and somewhat detach from it all and shake my head.  I do feel bad for my Dad, but have to detach from that as well since there's nothing else I can do.

Thanks for your support.

TodayistheDay,

I just read your post and we have so many similarities (I'm very sorry that I didn't respond to your posts earlier.) I think I had shared in another post that my dad had had a silent stroke and my mom spent days screaming at him about how she is has to take care of him. She was also convinced he was showings signs of dementia and caused tremendous stress throughout the whole family about this. Then he saw a specialist and she declared that he did not have a stroke and he is not showing signs of dementia. All of that drama for nothing.

She fell last week and broke one of her wrists and sprained the other. She, of course, is complaining about what a horrible nurse he is. Meanwhile, he dotes on her hand and foot and gets her ANYTHING she wants. And yet, she insists on telling him that his is purely evil.

Over the past few months, I have taken great responsibility to listen to my dad. And I felt the burden of carrying that. He has no one else with whom to talk so I feel that I have no choice but to be there for him (although I recognize that, ultimately, I do have a choice). I'm learning how to separate myself and listening to him while accepting that there's really nothing I can do.

I wish you the best, and am sending big hugs.