BPDFamily.com

Things have begun to deteriorate at a rapid pace, while we are not "exclusive" i believed we were committed to working towards that, and things had been going really well in that regard and we were getting really close again. However after a week or so of arguments due to me finding out some less than savoury things about her (which she lied about) my trust and belief that this could work took an arrow to the knee. Thus begun the devaluation and i dropped down the list of priorities, again.

The worst part was that when i heard this things I was ready to walk away, and tried to, but she talked me around, said it was nothing and that she loved me and wanted us to work, and I calmed down and decided to forgive it and move forward. And then once i did, she backed away.

I then found out that she has been in contact with her ex, (not from her, but confirmed) and I am seeing the same patterns for last time she monkey-branched on me and i was left like a car crash victim.

I haven't got anything concrete and as i say we are not exclusive but I have been trying really hard and I thought we both wanted this, but the sirens in my head are going off like crazy and i'm readily anticipating the message:

"look i just wanted to let you know... ."

So i feel i have no choice but to start to detach right now and get myself clear, I can't handle being blindsided again, if it's going to happen i have to have control and i have to walk away before she can do this to me again.

Hi Inferno,

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this position.   

Do you have people in your life that you can talk to?  (Support network)

How do you see things likely playing out between you two?

-Sunflower

Not in particular, everyone of my friends and family are vehemently against us, although I was starting slowly to win some of them back round to the idea, but they saw how devastated I was last time and knew what she had done and were dead against us. Like i say i'd started to turn some of them around as I had explained the BPD thing and that my issues colliding with hers hadn't helped. So a few of them were opening up to the idea of her hanging out with us, but if i tell them i'm struggling again they will tell me to end it.

I have lost a best friend over this, she cut me out of her life because she couldn't stand to see me hurting, I understand her decision.

This go around i'm a bit more aware of things so while i'll be devastated, it wont be as bad as the first time.

For how I see things going? toss a coin.

The last couple of weeks have been up and down with some good contact in there which gave me hope, but in the last few days she has been very, very distant and this correlates with the time she's been back in touch with her ex. He was also very badly hurt by her in fact worse than me, but i know the allure she has so he may be charmed back in.

Right now what i'm trying to do is not react, just sit back and stay cool and see what happens, she has been in contact, albeit minimal so there is some reason for hope, but to be honest i hate the fact that everything is always on me, and like i just have to sit and be a good boy in order to have "a chance with her". I just feel disrespected and undervalued.

On the flip side i realise my trying to end things may have set off the abandonment trigger, and i did overreact somewhat so it's not all her fault.

i just don't want to lose things again, i really thought we were making progress so this is truly saddening, this also has to be the last chance for us, so if things don't turn around pretty sharpish i will have to close the door forever.

Things are certainly more difficult when we do not have a solid support network.

For me, I felt so rejected and abandoned... .I know having had someone in my life to be able to discuss this pain with... .or even just to hang with who I didn't feel I'd have to put on a happy face... .would have made a world of difference to me.

I am grateful to the folks here for getting me through that.

Whether you are staying or leaving, it is never too late to focus on building a support network stronger.

I can certainly relate to the "good boy" "feeling disrespected and undervalued", absolutely.  Feeling my partner acting as though he was "too good" for me.  I know I could have "had him back" if I groveled.  I know he just always wanted things balanced... .his way.  Always having, "the upper hand."  (I just don't know who he was at that point... .nor myself... .if I repaired it as he desired)


This sounds like a plan.  Do you anticipate any struggles with this?

Sometimes... .the more we invest... .the harder it is to let go of the outcome.

Do you find this true for you?

Yeah certainly that is a true saying, I have invested a lot over the past 18 months, and been through a lot of struggles, but I have stayed true, however if she chooses another over me, i'll have no choice but to take the hint.

I have arranged an activity tomorrow to keep me busy and keep my mind off things, and I have decided for the time being i will not initiate any contact, i'll just let her reach out to me if she wants.

we are in this weird limbo at the moment, she did say in a round about way that she wants to continue working on this, but i am no longer sure if that's true. The contact with the ex is a MASSIVE red flag, and the fact is i know she is always glued to her phone and needs to be talking/texting someone, and since my phone has gone quiet, someone elses is vibrating off the hook, and it's most likely his.

Like i say i'm just going to see what happens before i make my final decisions but i'm preparing for the knife, right between the shoulder blades.

Think of building your support network as fabricating your stab proof vest.

i've tried many things, in all honesty i think i need serious therapy for my codependency issues, however it's not covered on insurance and there are great resources out there like spartanlifecoach but i can't afford the considerable cost involved in one one one coaching, it's like $250 per session and i'd need quite a few sessions weekly for a few months.

sigh

It sounds like you are reacting to something that hasn't happened. Are resentments building? Agreeing to non exclusive means seeing other people is ok, doesn't it?

Is it time to have a conversation with yourself about what you want in a relationship? You have agreed to non exclusive, were you being honest with yourself about this being ok? Are you waiting for someone else to tell you what's ok for you? 

Can you see a therapist for depression, which may be covered by your insurance, and then also get to the codependency issues when you're there?

I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles, Infern0.  It's not at all uncommon to leave and return.  You've been around a while and seen that happen.  So, please don't be hard on yourself.  This is difficult and it's a process.  Sometimes we move forward and sometimes backward.  Happens to all of us.

There is such a thing as Co-Dependents Anonymous (http://www.coda.org) that is modeled about Alcoholics Anonymous.  They hold meetings around the country (USA).  I don't know anything about the program and can't speak as to it's effectiveness.  It might be something to investigate, however, if you find that seeing a therapist is impossible.  They have a website here: www.coda.org/index.cfm/your-first-meeting/

Hello inferno,

Your post sounds undecided, spattered with ambiguities and assumptions about what was, is and might be. The ephemeral nature of your attachment to this woman sounds like it keeps you in a permanently confused state of powerlessness. What do you think is keeping you stuck, I hear you talk about codependency, but what does that actually mean to you?

I think it's a bit selfish of you to try and work things with this BPD when you have no chance of actually staying with her. It sounds like you are constantly doubting her and trying to blame her.


Sounds like she is talking to her ex for a fall back option cause she can sense your non commitment and doesn't want to deal with the pain of you leaving again.



I think it'd be best if you explained you just aren't a right fit and move on.

Screw that.

Sometimes we make these things harder than they need to be.

So try this:

Do you trust her?

Does she respect you and your boundaries?

Do you feel better or worse having seen or talked to her?

Can you manage conflicts without threats, to both partner's satisfaction?

Do you feel 'special' to her?

Is she nurturing, comfortable and fun to be with?

Can you be emotionally vulnerable and express wants, needs and feelings to her without condemnation or feeling bad?

Does she make and keep commitments to you?

My answers were an emphatic NO to each, except 'worse' for the third one, far worse.  So I left, post haste.

Then the fun starts: was I 'psychologically predisposed' to such crap or was I blindsided by mental illness?  A little of the first and mostly the second in my case, but there's no way to get to the fun until you stop the bleeding.

What are your answers Inferno?

Just to clarify we haven't agreed to be non exclusive, in fact we haven't agreed to be anything so i dont really have a right to be mad about things but she wanted to work on things between us towards an exclusive relationship, which is what i wanted, but now she's not putting any work into it and i feel im being led on

Maybe but you are BPD yourself so i'm not likely to put much stock in your opinion