BPDFamily.com

Hi.  This is harder than I thought it would be.  We have long suspected my sister has BPD, but she was formally diagnosed last year.  I thought things would get better after that but they have not, worse in fact.  We are in our 40's, I kept expecting her to out grow the awful behaviors, clearly that isn't happening.  I found this website in a book about living with a BPD family member.  After years of me just trying to keep the peace, my sister hurt (emotionally and maybe not for the first time) my daughter. I guess I did some limit setting then, but it was drastic (she can't be around my kids) and seems like it hurts other family members (like our mother). 

During her most resent episode, 3 days ago, she called me for help.  I said I will help her, but she can't stay at my house.  That set her off and she sent a flurry of texts to our family and friends about how I wouldn't help her and it is my fault our brother died (in April 2014) and if she dies (frequent suicide threats) that will be on me too.  The texts were pretty vulgar and full of venom, only someone who knew my weak spots could have hit them so hard.  My sister is also an alcoholic and, by her own definition, was "really ___ed up" that night.

That is just the tip of this ugly iceberg.

I worry that I'm not understanding enough because I know she is sick.

I worry that she will see this post and all hell will break lose.

Hi JJssis

I am sorry your sister is causing you so much stress. Unfortunately she also emotionally hurt your daughter, I totally understand that after that you put certain boundaries in place. Do you generally feel that setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your sister is something you are comfortable with doing?

Being subjected to verbal abuse isn't pleasant at all. Those text messages were quite hurtful indeed. The combination with alcohol only makes this situation more complicated. It sounds like your sister might have been engaging in the BPD behaviors known as 'projection' and 'splitting', are you familiar with these terms? Here is some information about them:



You can read more about these behaviors here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

Your sister was formally diagnosed with BPD last year. What led up to this diagnosis? Did she get targeted treatment for her BPD after this diagnosis?

I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here

Hi JJssis,

So sorry you're having to deal with all this. So sorry your brother died in 2014. Your stories will be familiar to many of us on this website, and there is plenty of help to be had. But for what it's worth, you do sound like you're doing all you can. Heck you even came to this website to better understand. But hopefully this understanding will also help you cope.

As a parent who has gone NC with my NPD bro, I totally understand that we must look after our children first and the adults with BPD second. There is a reason why the law makes us responsibly for children and not adults. So in law, and also in life, you are not responsible for adult members of your FOO. Full stop. You should not have to worry, but I fully understand that a BPD is the queen of projecting guilt, so it's natural you worry. But do tell us more, and maybe take a look at F.O.G. or any of the resources the moderator (Kawami) has suggested . Because we can’t change the behaviour of an adult BPD, we can only react to it better. In terms of worrying about your BPD finding this board, so long as your name isn't JJssis, they would have to wade through so many similar stories - unlikely they'd figure it out. Just make sure they don't snoop your browsing history and you should be OK. And if they did - so what ? A BPD will always find something else to kick off about or critises, trust me, they can always find something.  It’s always going to be our fault, so you’re better off changing the way you see it, because you can change. So go out and buy yourself a big  present for being a great sister. Or if it helps, buy me a big present (but only if it helps you).  

Thank you for replying to my post.  Just reading your kind words helped more than you know.

In Sept. 2014 my sister went into a rehab for alcoholics with a dual diagnosis.  She has been treated most of her adult life for depression and anxiety, and though there was clearly something more going on, she was so adept at manipulating the therapists and doctor into seeing her as the victim of an uncaring and abusive family that she wasn't diagnosed until she spent 60 days in a facility.  I don't know how much she participates in her treatment plan, and she is still drinking.  Last night she went back into rehab (and there are issues there because she refuses the rehab her insurance will cover and guilts our mom into paying for a much more expensive place). Last night how it happened was like a crazy dream.  She had her husband call me and tell me he had dropped her off at the rehab center, but she was actually in the car with him on the way there, I have no idea why they did that.  Anyhow, she couldn't keep quiet for long and pretty soon she was on the phone and I was trapped (let myself be trapped I know) in one of those circular conversations where I was defending myself against crazy accusations, but as soon as the intake nurse came to the car my sister started crying and saying she knew "something was wrong" with her and just wanted her family back, she sounded so genuinely full of remorse, I almost got whip lash.

I am becoming familiar with concepts like splitting,projection, and FOG (that is a big one).  I'm reading the book about not walking on eggshells anymore and the stories here.  It is heartbreaking.

Our brother died of complications related to drug abuse, he had a wife and three kids. My sister in law and the rest of us have become very close for the kids, but our ill sister ignores them and offers no help, even telling them they can't imagine HER loss and if they loved her would reach out more.  These are children!  My sister with BPD actually blames me for his death, saying I "took" her brother's life.  When pressed to explain how it was my fault she gives  answers that don't make any kind of since, like I could have had him locked up or watched out for him better sometimes instead of an answer she just starts yelling that I am in denial about my part in his death.

Now that I discovered boundaries and how they can work I think I am going to be able to use them and that will help a lot.  My former policy was to just listen too my sister and try to make her feel validated somehow, believing that even if what she was saying sounded nuts it was real to her.  I did that for years and it never worked.  I would not do that with my teenagers, I don't know why I did it with my sister.  In a lot of ways she seems like a perpetual teenager.

I have spent a lot of time and effort hiding or covering up her behaviors from my husband and kids because I don't want them to dislike her.  But it has become impossible, and I apparently wasn't doing such a good job anyhow.

It would make me happy to give you a present HappyChappy, your response was a real gift to me as was yours Kwamina.

Thanks to anyone who read this far.  I'm rambling, but it feels good to get some of it out, you know?  Sadly, I'm sure you do know.

I would agree, better out than in, problem shared and so on. But also I find this website good for perception. Because listening to what you had to put up with and how this has affected your brother and sister, you appear to have dealt extremely well with is. Same in my family, I thought I was the only one that got out alive (as my sister likes to say) but in truth I didn’t. I discovered late in life I had complex PTSD. So sounds like it’s now your turn to get some help, TLC and reassurance. You can't help others until you help yourself first.  So welcome to our family and let it all out on this website. It’s the only forum I know where there don’t appear to be trolls or people with very little empathy or understanding. It’s a bit of a haven. But well done on surviving at as well as you have - it's one heck of an achievement.  And your survial instincts brought you to this website.   

Hi JJssis,

Losing your brother like that must have been very tough, I am truly sorry for your loss

Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your sister does seem a wise strategy to help preserve your own well-being. Verbal abuse isn't pleasant to deal with and boundaries can help you protect yourself from it.

You mention those dreaded circular arguments, perhaps the following workshop can help you with this:

How to stop circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E. = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

The basic idea is that whenever you feel the urge to justify, argue, defend or explain, just don't! I hope you will find this helpful.

Take care

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for your kind words of condolence about my brother. It was very hard.

I do find the J.A.D.E. info helpful, thanks for posting the link. I really want to get to a place where I can consistently put that technique into practice.  I'm taking a break from my sister for a while, it's sad that the holidays are coming.  I feel awful for my mom, I know she would like to celebrate the holidays with her three surviving children and all the grandkids. I just can't stand the thought of another family gathering where we all tip toe around hoping my sister won't explode, trying to make everyone "play nice" and pay enough attention to her that she doesn't feel slighted.  It's no fun for anyone. And I don't think the kids are safe around my sister.  

I've sent our mom several things from this site.  I hope someday she will come here and talk to other parents of BPD children.  I want to support her having a relationship with my sister and help her get the tools to have that relationship without being abused.  It's hard because she's still mourning my brother.

I have a couple of questions.  I have looked at the glossary (very helpful) but couldn't find "mirroring".  What is that?  My other question is, and tell me if this should be in another post, I have read that BPD seems to peak in young adulthood and taper off in middle age.  We are in our mid to late 40's and my sister seems to be having a more difficult time, her behaviors are escalating.  Is that unusual or am I misinformed?

Here is a link to some information about 'mirroring':

BPD BEHAVIORS: Mirroring (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0)

As for as how BPD develops in people, I think there are various scenarios. Though there are certain common patterns, what's true for one person with BPD doesn't necessarily have to be true for another person with this disorder. My own uBPD mom peaked from her early 30's to her early 70's so that's not exactly young adulthood  My uBPD sis had a massive meltdown in her mid 40's, worst I've seen from her.

I have read about cases of BPD in which the people seem to become a bit more 'mellow' with age. At first I believed that was also happening with my mother but a period of relative calm was followed by two of the most difficult years I ever experienced with her. She was already 70 when that happened.