Print Page - SIL could she have BPD?

Hello everyone Sorry for such a long post.

I have been reading a lot about BPD recently and am beginning to wonder if this is something that would explain my SIL's erratic behaviour (I have been married 20 years and have been on the receiving end of a lot of unpleasantness). Please could more informed people have a quick read about her character and give me some feedback as to whether BPD might be the reason behind everything that has gone on. My observations are also those of my husband and BIL who both say 'there is something not right about her... '.

* She is obsessed with being abandoned by family of origin and friends. She is pretty much paranoid that normal events equal her 3 siblings abandoning or rejecting her. She had meltdowns at their weddings, childish tantrums when their engagement was annoucned (sobbing that the family is falling apart). She is preoccupied in trying to cause trouble between her siblings and their spouses. At the same time she wants to be part of every minute detail of their lives. E.g She stop speaking to me and my H for some time because we would go to the cinema without her. It got to the point where we had to do things secretly like going on holiday for example.

* She is obsessed with other people's children. If someone in church has a baby she becomes clingy with them and offering to babysit in an excessive way. If they let her, but then at a later date ask someone else she gets very distressed and creates drama around it. So if you allow her to babysit, she is the ONLY person who is allowed to babysit. When she gets babysitting jobs she very quickly HATES the parents (completely devaluing them) but still keeps going round because according to her she is the only good person in the children's lives - like she needs to save them. This is consistent with everyone she babysits for.

When I was pregnant with my first child she had automatically come to the decision that she would look after my baby whilst I go back to work. At this point she was very sweet and kind to me. When I told her I was not going back to work until my child reaches school age she had a meltdown. For the past 16 years it has been her mission to portray me as a useless parent, I don't know what I am doing, I am ungrateful to her etc, etc. The reason why I never allowed her to babysit is because my gut feeling was that she is unstable, over involved and a bit scary.

* She is a quitter. At pretty much everything including friendships. She falls out with people over the most trivial of things. She moves from group to group but never has any longevity with her new thing. Her husband has spent £1000's of pounds on courses and training to try and give her something to occupy her mind but she always gives up after a few weeks, sometimes months.

* She has a weird relationship with her mother. SIL is 40 years old and behaves like a small children with her. She sobs into her mother's chest because somebody has said something to upset her, she needs her approval for every minute decision in her life, she spends all her spare time with her, she runs to her mother every time she has a row with her husband. She even socialises with her. Her other siblings are not allowed to spend time with their parents otherwise SIL gets jealous and upset. She dominates her mother's time and pushes her siblings away if they need any attention.

* She has huge issues around binge eating. When she used to confide in me, she told me she uses food to self medicate. As a result she is morbidly obese which adds to her low self esteem which makes her lash out at us (her family).

* She is now refusing to speak to my husband (her brother) because she says he has been 'disloyal' to the family. When he asked what she meant she was referring to him marrying me and not visiting enough. When he does visit she is never there. None of it makes any sense to us.

* Her husband is like a father who is parenting a small child. She is selectively competent. So her husband cooks, cleans, chooses her clothes, brushes her hair, tells her off, gives her pocket money. When she had her 2 children he told me it is like he has 3 children to look after. When she married her husband his children from his first marriage still lived with him. She told me she was trying to intimidate them because she wanted the house to herself. When his mother was dying of cancer she came to live with them and SIL deliberately made her life uncomfortable to try and persuade her to go into a home. When she told me these things she didn't seem to understand how mean it was ... .it did not compute with her at all. Everything is about HER needs - it is like she hasn't a conscience.

* She favouritizes her children. But this role changes. Her youngest is a golden child and she is currently trying to turn her into a mini me. She bombards her FB page with pictures of one child and not the other. Though a few years ago it was the other child who got the special treatment.

* When my daughter turned around 12 I noticed that SIL began to see her as a threat (as she does all women) but it shocked me that she was doing this when my daughter was so young. It started when my daughter was being complimented on her slim figure and good looks at a family gathering. SIL was giving her dirty looks then flounced out of the room. She has barely spoken to her since, in fact she walks past her in the street.

* Mystery illnesses that come and go. She likes being ill and is preoccupied in finding new illnesses. She claims to be diagnosed with things but then we find out later that the GP couldn't find anything wrong - we usually find this out when she at the point of dispute with the GP. Not only does she want sympathy for being ill but also for having such a rubbish GP that has no idea what he is talking about. She also judges people and sorts her friends and family out according to who gave her enough sympathy regarding being ill. i.e not speaking to auntie so and so because she didn't visit her, falling out with her friend because she didn't send flowers, the vicar didn't visit... .so he is off the Christmas list.

* She makes things up and uses smear campaigns to devalue people she has fallen out with. When she is caught out and confronted - she doesn't care and shrugs it off as people being too sensitive. She NEVER apologizes no matter how outrageous and mean her behaviour is. She always blames her victims and even steps up her campaign against them - to punish them for questioning her behaviour. No remorse whatsoever. And yet she is a Christian.

When I asked my BIL what he thought was wrong with her his reply was "... she has something that is preventing her from growing up". This sums her up completely. She is 40 years old but she behaves like a child; either by being highly emotional over trivialities, clingy with her mother, trying to get her siblings into trouble or simply not being able to do the basic things in life and needing/craving to be parented.

There is no evidence of self harm, suicidal thoughts, no substance abuse, she isn't reckless at all (in fact her life is very boring to me).

So what do you think? Could SIL actually be suffering from BPD?

Thank you for your reply.

Self absorbed sums it up well. But she is also 'weird' and scary which is what makes us think it is more a personality disorder than just being rather selfish and childish. It is like the whole family are scared of her so she has become the elephant in the room.

As far as my goals go - I don't really have much of a choice because she doesn't want anything to do with us since we refused to let her be alone with out daughter. My daughter is now 16 so I guess our relationship will never be rekindled - we are pretty much on her enemy for life list. In honesty it is a relief because we dodge most of the drama which is now focused on other people.

HOWEVER my MIL is becoming increasingly frail as she ages and needs more and more help. She refuses to go into sheltered accommodation. Therefore it is down to my H and SIL to make sure she has everything she needs. I foresee huge drama in the near future - and there have already been some signs it has begun. (SIL grumbling that H doesn't do enough even though he tells his mother to ring if she needs anything - never saying no).

She scares me and I get anxiety just passing her in the street. It hurts me when she is unkind to my H and makes him feel bad - accusing him of being disloyal to the family etc. He is far from being disloyal.

I am also looking for closure. By that I mean I need to work out what is wrong with her because I have spent 20 years wondering if it is ME that has the problem. For years I have been told I am deeply flawed and not good enough for her family. She has tried everything to either break up my marriage or push me out of her family. After time you begin to believe it - maybe it is ME that is the problem.

So when I came across BPD it all began to fit into place. It was like a weight off my shoulders. I ran it over with H would agreed she had more than 5 traits. Ran it over with BIL who also agreed that it is NOT me but she has a mental disorder similar to that of BPD. So I suppose I want reassurance that I am not wandering down the wrong path with BPD.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: boleyn42 on November 09, 2015, 09:02:07 AM