BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am new to this site and giving it a shot.

After many years as a student and pursuing (and achieving) many ambitious goals, I am now living and working in a city far from home. With no more all-consuming distractions and working in a job I am happy with, the extent of my mother's BPD has really hit me, HARD, because I am forced to face the reality of my damaged childhood and my family. Day to day it can be very difficult, but with effort and constructive steps, I believe I will manage eventually.

I am absolutely dreading the approaching holiday season. 3 years ago, I experienced one of the most humiliating and horrible emotional outbursts from my mother with BPD during my christmas visit. Then and there I vowed never to be present for another. The following year I accompanied my then-girlfriend to her hometown for Christmas, and last year I visited with a newly-widowed relative.

Now, Christmas is approaching and I am incredibly anxious. I don't have a convenient excuse as why I won't visit, and the anticipated outburst is killing me.

I would really appreciate any tips or suggestions.

Thank you very much.

Hello astronaut44,

*welcome*

It's great that you are achieving your goals free from the influence of your BPD mother. Distance can help bring clarity... It sounds like there is unresolved trauma there, however. A long time ago, I left my home state, not specifically to get distance from my BPD mom, but in part. I realized, however, "wherever you go, there you are."

What kind of behaviors does your mother exhibit? They sound severe. Queen, controlling? Is there obligation to return coming from other family? How much contact do you have with her?

Turkish

Thanks.

Recently, I see that part of my relentless goal-chasing was a form of coping with severe self-worth issues (elder child of divorce, self-sabotaging mother with BPD traits and codependency, plus emotionally-estranged / negligent father) and the influence of mother's unrealistic hopes/expectations of grandeur. I don't regret my life choices, but I see that a major motivation was the expectation of my achievements fulfilling my huge self-esteem void, a distraction in the process, and I sought to run away from my family problems. Clearly those tactics don't solve anything, so I'm now facing the truth.

Yes. Distance and finally emerging from a "struggling" environment after 10 years have brought clarity. There are many, many years of unresolved trauma. It is very difficult and painful.

She is incredibly over-dramatic and oblivious to the emotions of others.  She cannot think rationally. Everything is impulsive. She uses self-sabotage, emotional manipulation, and emotional blackmail to get her way. Everything is a fault of someone / something else.  My younger sister has been deeply entangled into my mother's toxic mess of co-dependency and sympathizes with my mother. I believe my mom's behavior is a result of her own unaddressed emotion trauma- but she doesn't help herself.

Yes. My mother has estranged herself from almost all other family + friends, and "has no one else" (as we are constantly reminded.) I have minimal contact with her now, after moving far away and blocking her from my phone. I have tried very hard to establish boundaries recently, which has been reasonably successful. My fear and anxiety are their all-time worst though, despite my "safe" distance.

My mother presents a very different face to others. Save 1 or 2 people, no one understands why I wouldn't visit over the holidays. This adds to my guilt. Even those who understand she is "difficult" feel bad, and hope I can visit.

Thanks.

What happened at the last Christmas blowout?

I was away studying, a day's travel from home. (reasonably far. I didn't visit often, nor did I want to)

My mother had been living in transition, in chaos, never settling, frequently moving, in financial difficulty, for about 10 years. At this point, she was living on a farm in the country.

On Christmas eve (the day she would celebrate Christmas, based on her cultural background) she needed to "ask the neighbors who plows their snow, because she wanted to maybe use the same service". She "needed a male figure to walk with her and support her + my sister in their trek to ask the neighbours." (A short car trip, then a very long driveway to walk)  

I was really hesitant to go, it felt very weird and awkward. It disturbed me. It was as if I was the chaperone on my mom's weird trek. My mom has a very unconventional / bohemian / eccentric style.  I don't care about this - but it makes my "chaperoning" very, very uncomfortable- as if I am responsible for this person.  I reluctantly drove to the neighbors driveway entrance. As I got out of the car, I realized I couldn't go through with this. I felt nauseous. I stepped out and said "I cant do this. I feel uncomfortable."

She freaked out and got hysterical. "how can you do this to me? I need you to do this! How dare you! FINE! GET OUT OF HERE!" So I left, screaming alone at the top of my lungs, driving twice the speed limit on the highway. Later that day she called back, saying that "I should come back, because it's Christmas. For family. " I didn't return.

Hi astronaunt44, I totally get your anxiety about going home for Christmas. My BPD mom is dead, but her toxic behavior for so many years has permanently poisoned the Christmas season for me.

Like your mom, she had "very unconventional / bohemian / eccentric style." Less artistic than she imagined and more shopping bag lady. I was embarrassed to be seen with her in public because of her appearance and behavior. And she used holidays to grandstand and make herself a non-stop center of attention. Thankfully, you can use caller ID to block her and have moved away. It may seem unthinkable not to go home for Christmas, but I feel that's the only solution. If you can't do it this year, work towards making it possible to stay away next year. I also had a passive and enabling sister who I felt a lot of pity for. I had to stop trying to save her and let her go. You are powerless to help or change either of them. The first year you stay away, you will feel guilty, but as the years go on you will feel better and that you are becoming your own person.

Dear astronaunt44,

Hi!  I am the mom of an adult son with BPD, my mom has a mental illness, as does my adult sister who I am not in contact with at this time.

I totally understand your anxiety, the feelings of guilt and fear that you face with the holidays coming.  I think it is the hardest time of the whole year when it comes to dealing with family.  As a young adult my mom always told me that I had to spend holidays with her and my dad, even though I was married and my husband wanted to be with his family also.  "We have no one else I was told".  So even though I didn't really want to, I would go.  With my mom there was always drama.  My sister moved back home and so I hosted the holidays, because I felt I had to make sure that my family would be together.  More than once, it was a disaster.  My son has BPD and is an adult who self medicates, and thus moods shift, outbursts occur. 

I was told by my counselor and my son's counselor that I needed to establish boundaries and make them clear.  I have.  At first it was very hard and I felt guilty, but I also learned that whether or not I was there, it didn't matter.  There would always be drama in their life unless they address their illness.  I could choose not to be a part of it.  Put the focus on you.  If you being there would change things, it would be different.  Your family make not like it, my son doesn't, but I can't change him, only he can do that.  At first it is hard, but in my case I have a sense of relief in not having to deal with the irrationality of the illness.

I wish you well.  I know what a struggle it can be and it will take time.  Take care of you.  I don't know if any of this will be helpful.  As I learned in Alanon "Take what you need, and leave the rest".    lostchild   

Hi lostchild + worn_out,

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate them and theyre helpful.

To Worn_out : thanks for your insight.  Similar case with my sister too. I cant even objectively approach discussing our "difficult family" without her jumping to my mom's defence. Its very alienating.  i didnt write as clearly as I should have, but i have been away both previous two christmases. The difference is that I had solid "reasons". First- my newly-widowed relative (in the city where i live), and the other year- spending xmas at the home city of my previous girlfriend. My mom "accepts" these reasons. This year though, i dont have a convenient excuse. This is what affects me now; the impending emotional explosion to not being there. It comes down to finding the best reason not to be there. Thanks for your support.

Lostchild : thanks. You are right in that the "drama will be there whether I am or not". I have always played the role of the support /provider, since early childhood, so I need to accept that enough is enough, and that I cant change anything. I appreciate your help.

It sounds like the Christmas incident triggered a lot of pent-up frustration and hurt. You say that your mom lives an alternative lifestyle... .is there hoarding involved?

Being cast in a role of protector (whether as a proxy parent, or as a proxy spouse) can be damaging to children. We can be caught between the expectation to honor our parents and our own needs as healthy individuals. Parents with BPD can see their kids as little extensions of themselves. It goes far beyond, "look at my boy, he plays futbol just like me!" or "My daughter is attending my alma mater; wonderful, eh?" but deep into territory where a child is not given space to develop a healthy sense of Self, apart from the parent, enmeshed.

Have you seen the following article? It explains more:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Yes, it did. More than anything though, i think it solidified the fact that the dynamic / relationship is conpletely toxic, as at that point i put my foot down and drew a very visible barrier. It was around the same time I also first started reflecting and embarking on acknowledging and repairing my lifelong emotional aftermath. 

Not hoarding per se, but a very personal attachment to many things. (Somewhat understandable, due to tramatic family history + being a political refugee + all immediate family deceased. )

Yes, thanks, I did read the article. It 100% applies to me. Nevermind pleasing the parent, i was responsible for overseeing her decisions to ensure the (self-sabotaging) survival of the family. Totally toxic.

So what are you doing to heal other than gaining distance? NC or LC are tools which can help us from being exposed to further trauma. The pain can still smolder below, however, reigniting as it did last Christmas.  It sounds like you are anxious due to her unpredictability... .yet you know who she is. What are the upsides and downsides of you going or not?

Hi astronaut,

I'm sorry about your family dynamics. They are eerily similar to my own, and I feel for you.  Last Christmas was the worst I've ever had. My sister, uBPD like my mom, and I have not been on good terms. My mother blames me for my sister's outbursts and meltdowns because in the past year I have stopped always yielding to my sister, and started standing up for myself. My mom spent all of Christmas Eve crying, wandering the halls of our house, looking at photos of me and my sister and showing them to me saying "look at how things used to be. Now everything is ruined."

Really - like something out of a freaking soap opera. Christmas Day she continued with the same show and escalated it, yelling at me and saying "you broke our family apart" etc. I basically had a panic attack, ran out of the house after a few hours, and when I came back my mom told me I ruined Christmas for everyone.

Listen. I know you feel guilty. We are supposed to want to see our parents, and open presents, share laughs, cook together, blah blah. But for me, that's the family I dream about - not the one I have. If you don't want to go home, you don't have to. At this point in our lives, our parents need to choose to be the people their kids want to be around. It's not your fault your mother behaves in ways that are hurtful, selfish, and damaging. But you don't have to subject yourself to that. You can have a great holiday around people who are supportive. I've given up on Christmas with my mom because I know I will end up hating and dreading Christmss, and I have worked too hard to hand over my happiness and give up what I want for the empty hope of pleasing my mom.

It sounds like you have great options for the holidays. i would suggest to do what makes you happy, send your parents a nice card and gift, call if you like, and enjoy Christmas. Maybe visit them another time that isn't so important like the holidays. I hope you find some peace these holidays and are around people that make you happy. Everyone deserves that.

Can you get involved in a Christmas day volunteer project?

Thank you for your replies.

Turkish : what is NC or LC? At the moment I see a therapist once a week. I also explore the subject on my own and try to educate and enlighten myself (hence my coming to this website).

Greenglit: I appreciate your response and directness. You make a good point. I too am sorry about your family situation. That is incredibly cruel and unfair. To be dead honest though, it is a bit comforting knowing that there are others with similar challenges. Until now, I have not come across people who deal with similar christmas horrors. I wish you a peaceful xmas as well.

Today is the day: i could get involved with a volunteer project I think. The issue at hand is really not where to go - there are peope with whom i could visit. But rather - how the hell do I prepare and deal with the impending emotional onslaught? How do I respond? This will be my 3rd year of not visiting for xmas, and i dont have a good excuse as to why not... .

No Contact. Low Contact.

You know what's likely to happen. She is who she is. We can only deal with how we deal with it,  the tools being in the lessons at the top of the board.

It sounds like you are pre-tramatized by the approaching holiday. BIFF a response/justification... Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

It sounds like you are struggling with a view of how others may see you, and also trying to detach from being responsible for your mother's feelings. Tough to process, but not impossible to surmount.

Turkish: I don't know if this is going off on a tangent, but is hoarding a typical symptom of BPD? Because my mom does that, and I've never understood why. I remember always being embarassed when people come over to our house, and constantly being afraid of someone coming and taking me away from living in unsanitary conditions.

astronaut44: Regarding the Christmas thing, I don't think you need an excuse. Nothing you say is going to make her understand why you're not coming, so you might as well do what you want.

Yeah. Not long ago I thought of Kennedy- "the only thing to fear is fear itself" and realized that I have to take his words to heart. My present reality is fine. But im terrified of being terrified. Its eye opening... .

Agreed. There is an underlying fear of judgement by others, as my core self was subject to much trauma in early years, and my mother criticised / judged everything + everyone around her to no end.  There are rare instances though now, when I am around certain people (very close family friends, some relatives) where that missing sense of emotional security reemerges, and its absolute BLISS. Indescribable. Other-worldy.

SUPER difficult to process. I think I can surmount it via a lot of patience and some support. A challenge like no other.