BPDFamily.com

Hey Gang,

I got the book Attached (which I love tho confess I have not yet finished).  I tested equal on Anxious, Secure, and Avoidant attachment styles.  An even "6" for each.  I actually think this is pretty darn accurate.  No wonder I feel my own tendency of push/pull (tho much less extreme than my UxBPDbf).

I have gotten a couple of emails from a very interesting fellow on match (yea!)... .one I am genuinely interested in meeting which doesn't happen very often.  Here's what I am noticing: 

1)  In the BEGINNING, i.e., with this new fellow, I think I get nervous/worried I am not likable enough and/or he won't be interested so go straight into anxious - checking email, worrying and wondering about him, overthinking my communications, etc .  Generally, I get ahead of myself and feel anxious.

2)  Then once he (or anyone) gets interested enough to really pursue me (or even just give the appearance of that), I get scared he wants too much and go into avoidant.

I would like to break both sides of this cycle.   

I wonder IF my avoidant feelings/behavior of mine (phase two) is inversely related to my degree of anxiousness (phase one), ie that I want to run the other way to the degree that I felt anxious in the beginning?  I wonder then IF I could minimize/tame my anxiousness in the beginning then might I also naturally reduce the avoidant feelings/behaviors in phase two?

I think the presence of one is tied to the other.  I could probably interrupt the cycle at any point but seems it would make sense to do so here in the beginning when I feel anxious?

Two questions:

1)  Any thoughts on or experience with the interplay of these two attachment styles?

2)  Have you successfully tamed your anxious style?  If so, how did you do so?  What strategies worked?

3)  How do I know when anxious = nervous OR when anxious = excited?  Some of the anxiousness (excitement) seems good!  What does the secure version of excitement look like?


Would love your input. Your experience and wisdom is much appreciated! 

Thanks peeps :)

I'm unsure of the interplay at work there, but I have some other thoughts on your other two questions.

In my experience, when I am not chasing after things that I don't really want I feel less anxious. I've found that my anxiety is triggered by people or situations that aren't for me. So, really, I'm doing a better job at understanding myself as far as friends and relationships are concerned. When I am confident in myself and living for my values and preferences in others I make better choices, and I don't have to worry so much.

Typically, for me, anxiety and excitement are very different emotions. I'd consider myself a person that doesn't get excited easily. I tend to get riled up over personal projects or goals, but I try to hold a line of moderation when dealing with others. Really, it takes time. I think that it's wise to get to know someone as a friend for a bit before I express romantic interest. That's just me, though.

To reiterate my main point, in my experience it has taken really focusing on myself, building a solid foundation, and then choosing what I think works. It's just as fine to be single and happy as it is to be dating and happy! And... .it is just a matter of time until that right person comes walking along into your life, if you so choose to want that.

:)

Hi ReclaimingMyLife, I just got the e-book of Attached from the library!   |iiii

I find that different sources of information about adult attachment styles describe them differently (for instance some recognize a style called "disorganized" and some don't, some make a distinction between avoidant-fearful and avoidant-dismissive, etc.)  They also have different things to say about how to change your attachment style as an adult.  So I think it's helpful to read multiple sources. 

I have seen "anxious" attachment style also referred to as "ambivalent", so I'm wondering if you have an anxious attachment style and at least some of what you describe is accounted for by that?  Parents of anxiously attached children are said to be inconsistently responsive (sometimes they meet the child's needs, sometimes they don't) as opposed to consistently unresponsive parenting which correlates with an avoidant attachment style in the child.

Harville Hendrix talks about attachment style in Keeping the Love You Find, here's a quote:  "A clinging child has a highly ambivalent relationship to his mother.  Tormented by her unpredictable availability, he is simultaneously addicted to getting her attention and finding a way to get her to respond; at the same time he is angry that his needs aren't being met.  He spends half his time crying and holding on, to keep his unpredictable mother by his side, the other half being rejecting, pushing his mother away, even as she is being affectionate.  The infant is in a dilemma because the object of pain and pleasure is the same. [... .] Because he cannot live in an inconsistently supportive environment and tolerate for long the consequent negative feelings its insecurity stimulates, he develops an ambivalent defensive structure, alternately clinging and pushing away, to ward off these incapacitating feelings."

I've been skimming through a few chapters of Attached and one of the things it says for people who are insecurely attached is that they can create for themselves a "working model" of secure attachment, based on times when others have responded to them in a secure way, or how a secure couple they know treat each other, or even relationships with pets.