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I just feel sad.  Disillusioned.  Questioning my own judgement. And more and more lately - helpless.  I am sure I could give someone else advice about journeying through this, but right now, I can't give it to myself.  And I am not even reaching out to friends partly because I feel like such a fool for getting back together with him (and getting a house together, no less) and partly because I don't even know what I'd say if I did reach out. I'm 48 years old.  I used to consider myself strong, wise, smart.  Living with him is starting to erode all that - I find myself saying the same things in my own mind that he says to me about how I "love chaos", "make poor choices", do things that I must "really regret"…. I wasn't crazy before this, but living with him is making me question everything.  (Am trying to get out - see other posts about that) How do I minimize the collateral damage in the meantime? I am rapidly losing myself - to the point that it is affecting my own parenting and career. 

Hey sorry you are enduring this. You are not stupid or crazy. You had faith.

So here is what to do now.

1) journal. Date time notes sign.

- keep it simple if you can't find the energy. Just record the facts so you have a record. This prevents gas lighting.

2) get away from the situation for periods of time each day

- gym, walk, coffee alone or with friends whatever just go breathe outside the madness

3) get an experienced therapist

- find someone familiar with narcissist abuse and see them regularly tell him you are doing it because you think he might be right and then get there because he is not.

Oh yes and eat the expensive ice cream It has healing properties.

Have you read a book called "Verbal Abuse" by Pat Evans? Your post really makes me think of that book - lots of what you're describing is explained in there, along with some survival strategies. Might help.

This sounds like some solid advice to me. Stop care taking the borderline would also really address your situation I believe. It discusses all the ways in which we assume the "care taker" role in our BPD relationships and how doing so affects us and our relationships. It also discusses how to begin to transition out of this role and "stop the drama and get on with your life." Please do get the books and follow the advice therein.

Ps. "I lost myself." Sums it up well. There's a song with those words I sung frequently in the early days because they capture so succinctly our state. Retrieve yourself with all your might. Because you are all you have in this world. We enter this world alone and we leave it alone. Cherish yourself.

This song is dedicated to you Ellie,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqQsZ8g8KHQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqQsZ8g8KHQ)

I could have written this myself.   It can and does get better, but you need to take action to make that happen.

It sounds like your ex is projecting his own problems onto you. Mine did exactly the same to me - he told me I had no self-awareness, that I picked fights just to get a reaction from him, that I was manipulative, that I "need to think about someone other than your own damned self for once." I was really blindsided by this, because I have a tendency to take all criticism seriously - but it didn't add up. No one else in my life had ever told me this kind of thing. My supervisors at work had praised me for being a self-aware and reflective therapist. Friends and family have always told me that I'm straightforward and honest (too honest sometimes, they say dryly, I can be blunt). I thought their assessment of me was fair, and I know myself that I hardly ever get into arguments and certainly don't pick fights on purpose. I couldn't recognise the picture of me that my ex was painting, but I could see very clearly that it was a good picture of him.

However, because I have that tendency to listen to and absorb criticism, I started to doubt myself. It damaged my self-worth to the point where I was actually considering resigning from my job, because if I really was the person my ex said I was (and he was so forceful and insistent - it made him seem more credible at the time) then I wasn't fit to be with vulnerable children. In the end I turned to some friends for advice. They were horrified by what was happening. In the end, this was what prompted my ex to break up with me - that I "had to run and tell everyone what mean old J said about you", in his words. I realised that he was breaking up with me because by getting outside confirmation that I was not all those terrible things, I had threatened to break away from his control. He could only manipulate me so long as I believed in what he was saying about me. I doubt he consciously thought about it like that, but it's what it boils down to.

The question for you is how long are you going to go on believing this guy? It's a conscious choice and one you do have the freedom to make. Every time he says something to you that makes you doubt yourself, say it isn't true - if only mentally and to yourself. And keep focused on getting yourself out of there.