BPDFamily.com

I am new here.  This is my first post.  I hope that I am starting to get through this... .the questions that plague me are "How could this happen to me? and How can I finally let go?"

My story: I am an American living abroad in Germany.  I came to work.  I was successful.  I married an Austrian man, had three children, built a house.  Then everything started falling apart.  August 2012 he announced one day that he didn't love me... .and left.  For several months, without bothering to look back... .I think after six weeks he called to check in with the children.  It was the beginning of a long and painful separation (in Germany 1 to 3 years of separation are mandatory before divorce)... .but THIS not the BPD part of my story.  Our marriage had been troubled for a long while. I view it as possibly the reason that I ended up in a psychological place that opened me up for a relationship with a BPD man... .?

Nine months after separating I met HIM.  He was teaching a "night class" in computer music composition that I was taking for fun.  We instantly connected and there was massive chemistry.  (Now after a year of searching for answers for his behaviour, I believe he is a very unusual passive Borderline Waif... .yep, men can do it too.) I was fascinated... .he was brilliant, talented, "unrecognised", teaching in a school way below his abilities (but what was I doing there? a successful professional musician (opera singer) with a good career?) I found him unbelievably compelling and confusing.  He was definitely NOT my type.  He was so shy and self-effacing, then arrogant, then bitter, then brilliantly inspiring... .and yet for all this, a huge engulfing charisma that I also possess... .I would come into the room a blazing sun and he would suck it up like a black hole.  Who WAS this man? 

The physical attraction was almost unbearable.  Every class was hyper charged with the chemical cocktail streaming between us.  But outside of class I could barely get him to talk to me.  Well, he is the teacher, I thought.  But this wasn't University, and the outcome, grading of the class was of no significance... .so who cares?  But maybe that was his problem and he just wanted to keep his distance?  My experience in life has been, if I really want to connect with a man phyisically, and he is heterosexual and single, then I can.  Period.  So I tried to find out: is he straight, is he single, is he interested the way I FEEL he is? 

Over the course of six months I very carefully tried to get closer and get the information I was looking for: he has two children, but hadn't been with that woman for seven years. He was happy to finally have an apartment where he could have his girls visit on the weekends.  His life as a composer would be easier in the German music scene if he were gay... .but he isn't.  Yippee, I thought: straight, single, and trying to be a good Dad for his two little girls, struggling along... .as many musicians do... .  So I decided to try to seduce him.

Men here in the Forum might shake there heads at that.  I have been told: the man always has to make the first move... .well, I am a well_educated, successful, athletic, attractive ("beautiful" I have often been told), 6'0'' tall, powerful woman.  Self-confident, balanced men might approach me... .but not my BPD waif... .but I saw such potential... .  And apparently, I was feeling so bad about myself, that he was all I wanted.

So. I got him to "meet me" at a concert.  And after six months of very gently pushing him in that direction.  "Success".   

That first night was the most intensely powerful, intoxicating, universe shattering sex I have ever had.  Eight hours straight of soul-melting perfect ecstasy. But... .whoops... .I forgot! On the way to his apartment, already half-way to Andromeda, he said "but if we do this, it is only a one-time thing, because I have a girlfriend  red-flag  :sign_attn:     Well, she has left me and moved back Leipzig, but she might come back at some point... ."  My response: "Uh, what, uh, then no, I don't think so, take me back to my car."  "Yeah, ok, I understand (sad, puppy dog, eyes, devastation ), you're right.  But just come have a drink at my place first? (skipping ecstatic grinning little boy). And I was stupid.

But that all said and done.  Nothing seemed particularly unusual.  Except me settling for a 2nd fiddle deal.  That was a first.  The night knocked me off my feet... .us both... .but I was determined to hold onto my part of the agreement.  So a one nighter is just that, right?

But then came the emails: how incredible I am, that night was,... .and well, that felt really good.  And we still had classes together once a week for four hours.  And his girlfriend wasn't coming back after all.  And, well why not?

The first six weeks were amazing.  I was so proud of myself for finally unlocking this treasure box of a man.  He was so surprising and interesting... .not perfect, I wasn't idealizing him... .but just so special and DIFFERENT... .He was communicative and playful (he would give me a running account of his thought stream... .I found this so endearing), loving... .he was so much happier in class than he had been for months... .He was grinning and skipping and beaming.  We were in love. It was wonderful.  It always is, isn't it?

Then his girlfriend changed her mind and came back.  I felt him instantly change. From one day to the next.  His migraines started up again.  He was taking much longer to answer emails.  We talked and I asked him what we were doing?  He said, "Well, she is back now... .nothing is changing there."  So I said, "Ok, but WE can change something and just stop, because I don't do affaires." 

Ok, he said, no problem.

Wow.  That was it.  Uh, ok.  Ouch.  But I was crushed, I wanted him so... .but I was clear... .I don't want an affair.  The next class was horrid, he was so angry.  Both his eyes were bloody... .broken blood vessels... .

Because of the class, we still saw each other once a week, and we were still in love, and the chemistry was still there, it was stronger, and he still called and wrote.  And he was so sad, and stuck in a horrible depression and had a deadline and was blocked and couldn't write.  And every month, there was a huge blow up at home and she would leave... .or so I was told.

He said: No one had ever touched him the way I did.  Talked to him the way I did.  Since meeting me he was thinking and growing inside again.  I was... .well, simply incredible.  Blah, Blah, Blah.   And so I reached out (not sexually) with everything I had, I listened to his drafts, I sent him supportive emails... .I consoled him during the breaks at class... .talked to him on the phone... ."tried to be his friend"... .finally managed a big concert project for him, because he was folding under the pressure.  And where was his girlfriend in all this... .and why wasn't she, as a professional event manager, doing it for him?  What the heck.  At the premiere he showed up drunk and distracted and fell into my arms... .his night had been a nightmare... .what happened, I asked. "Oh, I am simply with the wrong woman!"  Of course, I would be the right one... .maybe it was finally over.

This went on for five months.  Every time we talked or were together it was amazing.  The better it was, the communication, the more I would be punished for it by withdrawal  and silent treatment afterwards.  This was a "Friend"?  I was a wreck.  Why did he say he wanted me, that I was incredible, or the only person that really understood him... .but stay with her... .but push me away.  I was in horrible pain.  Depression started setting in.  I considered dropping the class... .but it was already paid... .lame excuse.

Wow, I had really messed up. How did a "one-night stand" turn into this horrible mess?

Then he came to a performance of mine.  After 5 1/2 months of longing, we went out afterwards and I took him to his car.  He told me, his relationship is coming to an end and it will all be decided by the end of the week.  (I had been watching this rollercoaster for months).  We embraced... then kissed... .DANGER; DANGER... .it was so amazing. 

Then I heard nothing.  So I wrote and asked him: what IS going on?  Are you leaving her? No response.  In class a few days later he was furious at me.  Huh? He had brought it all up!

And then we "started" the affaire.  Because:  He said, "it is complicated" I love her, but I love you too.  The emotional affaire had never stopped, or had never started or had always been screwed up... .

WHO WAS I? This wasn't me, or what I wanted!

So until this point, I say: when I read this, it sounds like typical woman-on-the-side crap. 

BUT, the closer we got, the weirder it got... .I was having difficulty understanding... .

We would see each other... .it would be bliss... .and then he would block me and disappear... .I wanted something different, I told myself: for me it would have been normal that when you spend an amazing afternoon with your lover, you find the time to send a short note or at least a smile and say: 'that was wonderful, see you in class'... .or something... .  Instead, he would say, " I'll call you tomorrow." and I would get total silence. For the rest of the week.  And this happened over and over and over again.  So I told him: I need you to try to be more communicative... .(Where was the man from eight months back?)

Then it happened. We had spent the afternoon together.  It was very intimate and beautiful.  It was so amazing.  We were so close.

And he was texting and communicating better.  But something went wrong.  He did something I didn't like.  I told him that.  That was the deal breaker, I guess.  I reminded him of his father he said, and made him feel like a little boy: Something in the way I expressed my discontent (it was a short written text saying I was hurt he hadn't told me his Band page was up on_line so I could like it.---I had, after all been part of his process, listening to his drafts for a year). 

Huh? His father was a horrible, maniacal physically abusive ass.  Me? Like him?  I had never even once raised my voice to him!

Two days later I saw him in class, he didn't talk to me, didn't look at me.  Afterwards, we went for a walk and he said: " I need some time.  I can't deal with the intensity. SHE is sure I am having an affair (you are, I said). I need two weeks, no contact, no calls, no writing, no nothing."  It was goodbye.  So I said that: "Just say Goodbye.  I wish you luck"  No, no, no! I can't live without you.  I want you in my life.  I just need two weeks.

Yeah. Ok.  I was very sad.  Why couldn't he just say goodbye?  How can a person be SO in love with someone on Monday and leave on Wednesday... .because of a minor disagreement?  Was I going insane?  Had I misinterpreted everything?

So he disappeared... .for more than two weeks.  In that time my mother was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumour. To go home to her in America, I had to give up my latest contract... .lost my job, as it were.  Mom went into a coma.  Died.  I broke the silence.  I wrote to tell him.  I loved him, he was for me my SO and I needed some support (let's not forget, the entire time I was dealing with a horrible separation fighting for divorce).   Then she left him for real, and he had a nervous breakdown... .and dropped everything.  His contacts, his contracts.  He disappeared for everyone.  Others students contacted me, confused and hurt.  He was gone.

And It goes on and on ... .but I am am so sick reading all this that I think I will wait for another time to finish

I just feel so full of shame... .what did I do, why?  What is wrong with me that I let this happen?

Thanks for listening!

hey mezzotrigirl, and *welcome*

i asked myself those same questions. seems to me i used a whole lot of tornado imagery  :).

im glad you found us, and shared your story; it really helps to talk and connect with others who can relate to our stories, the wild, confusing highs and lows of the relationships, the conflicting feelings, and the shattering aftermath. youre not alone in feeling like you lost yourself bit by bit; the good news is you get it back and then some, but it takes time and work.

you have many questions for which there are answers, answers that at least will help you make sense of what you have been through, and begin to process. two great places to start are with our article on how a borderline relationship evolves, and surviving a breakup when your partner has borderline personality disorder. you can find them here: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

im very sorry to hear about your mother, mezzotrigirl, i cant imagine how painful that was, and especially with the suddenness. do you have family and friends that you can lean on in this time?

Mezzo,

First of all welcome to the group    I'm glad you found this sight and are reaching out. Here you'll find no judging but like minded people who have been through or are going through the very same thing you have been & are going through. Don't feel alone ... .and certainly don't feel ashamed for any reasons. What happened to you has happened to most if not all of us here in the room ... .and letting go is ... .well ... .it might be one of the most difficult things you've done. I'm sorry for you loss with your mother ... .losing a parent is never easy.  WE all know how tough it must be for you right now and we're sorry that you're going through it. But I ... .WE all want you to know as bad as you feel right now ... .it will get better ... .THINGS WILL GET BETTER MEZZO!

Since you're new to the group I would really encourage you to read all the references at the top of the page and to the right. I know that you feel confused, angry at times, unsure of yourself ... .but everything you're feeling is the same thing we have. Come back as often as you need to or more importantly as often as you WANT to in order to gain some insight, education and vent your thoughts as needed. You didn't come right out and say that your exBPD has actually been diagnosed as such, but I'll go in that direction. I encourage you to seek out a good therapist if you haven't already, read references here, and books on BPD such as, " I hate you ... .don't leave me", "The Human Magnet Syndrome" and "Stop walking on Eggshells" just to name a few. Read & learn all that you can about BPD ... .I would also encourage you to look inward, self reflection and see why you have & do act or behave the way you do.

Most of us here are what are known as Codependents or NON's ... .it's a learned behavior from our childhood experiences just as BPD is a survival behavior learned from their childhood experiences. BPD is a very serious behavioral illness that negatively impacts relationships where as NONs are more caring & less destructive to the relationship and arguably more destructive to the NON. We are perfectionist, Knights in Amor protecting those who can't protect themselves, we are cowboys in white hats riding in to save the day.  If you read the book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" you will learn that the both the BPD & NON are the perfect match for each other in relationships as both are on the opposite ends of the behavioral spectrum ... .but however "perfect" they are made for each other ... .it is a lifetime ride on the crazy train roller coaster that will never ... .NEVER end.

What you describe is certainly 'CLASSIC" BPD behavior such as push/pull ... .they push you away because they feel engulfment in the relationship either real or perceived ... .then when you are on the verge of being gone for good they pull you back in with one of their "crises" that ONLY you will understand ... .that ONLY you can help with and that's the intense fear of abandonment ... .again even if it's real or perceived. You need to learn a whole new language of BPD such as recycle, deregulation, painted white, painted black, raging, control impulsivity, splitting, and a host of others.  There are studies to suggest that someone with BPD can improve with weekly schedule therapist that specializes in DPT therapy ... .and it'll most likely need it for the rest of their life as you will need therapy to help you with the life of someone who suffered from BPD. but noticed I said might improve ... .it'll be a semi-normal life at best.

You are on the leaving board ... .some will say, "feel blessed that what you experienced was a short period of your life". Some have been with their s/oBPD for 5-10-20 plus years and have to live with the roller coaster ride without this avenue of educating and support for most of not all of that.  I know it's painful what you're going through ... .we've all been there. I can tell you're upset and unsure of yourself ... .take a deep breath and step back for a moment. You've experienced a lot of what we have ... .the best sex in the world ... .then nothing ... .talking for hours and hours about everything ... .then the silent treatment. How you are the only one that understands him, that can help him, that can listen him ... .we've all been there ... .it's called idealization. You said, " No one had ever touched him the way I did.  Talked to him the way I did.  Since meeting me he was thinking and growing inside again.  I was... .well, simply incredible."    We've all been told that and in some cases the very same words ... .that's called mirroring. In return they give you what you want ... .you said, "That first night was the most intensely powerful, intoxicating, universe shattering sex I have ever had.  Eight hours straight of soul-melting perfect ecstasy."   Yep ... .we've all done that ... .entire weekends in bed an incredible amazing, intoxicating universe shattering porn sex   lol   They got what they needed ... .and we got what we needed ... .however short term is was. It was never about the sex ... .but was WHAT WE THOUGHT was an amazing connection between to human beings ... .if you read enough of the stories on the other post you will see that this happens almost every time ... .it's like they read from the same sheet of music.

You said, "So I said that: "Just say Goodbye.  I wish you luck"  No, no, no! I can't live without you.  I want you in my life.  I just need two weeks."    Again this is something we've all heard ... .you can see where he fears abandonment and will do or say anything for you to stay in his life ... .but on his terms. BPDs need to be in control at all times ... .again it's part of who they are at the core ... .it's the survival behavior they learned as a child. In my case my exBPDgf had a absent father & a mother who most likely BPD herself ... .the exPBDgf was sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally abused by an older brother of 2 years almost on a daily basis & mentally, emotionally & physically beat almost everyday for years during the same period all starting when she was about 4-5 & lasted until she was about 13-14. How can anyone go through all of that and not be damaged to the core of their being for the rest of their life ... .she was abused from the very people who were suppose to protect her from such monsters. I feel for her ... .I really do ... .but there are three C's of BPD you need to learn ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!.  She has been in & out of therapy for 25 plus years with multiple therapist. She is self aware of her damaging behavior but again it's a learned behavior that they can't control ... .which is hard for most of us in similar situations to understand because her like others are high functioning, 6 figure jobs and you just get so frustrated why they behave they way they do ... .it boggles the mind.


You said ... ."I just feel so full of shame... .what did I do, why?  What is wrong with me that I let this happen?"  Again Mezzo you should NOT feel shame ... .you are a human being ... .loving, caring, human being and wanted a mutually respectful, loving, caring relationship and you thought you had found it. There is NOTHING wrong with you ... .but I would encourage you to get some professional therapy to help you sort out your feelings & emotions. What you went through is difficult to understand much less sort out ... .and perhaps maybe come to learn that you  ... .like most of us are NONs ... .codependents ... .and like most of us have learned why we behave the way we do ... .and then you can grow as a person ... .and then the relationship you want will follow without you even trying.

Come back as often as you need to ... .come back as often as you WANT to ... .to be with others who won't judge you ... .we can't walk the journey for you ... .but we can be there to pick you up when you stumble ... .dust you off ... .give you a couple of cyber hugs    ... .and encourage you to continue your journey of self discover and happiness.  

JQ

Wow, what a story. So much of your experience resonates with me and my experiences.

Keep writing and posting here through all of your hurt and pain. Keep reading. Turn the focus onto yourself. There are reasons you were sucked in at a very vulnerable time.

I, too, was sucked in by my magnetic pwBPD. I was at the tail end of a divorce... .it was finalized a couple of weeks after he and I started seeing each other. I think I was particularly vulnerable and he was nothing like I had ever experienced. He was everything my husband wasn't.

Fast forward 3 years... .my marriage now looked pretty good compared to my relationship with my BPD. I am out of it now... .and thank god we didn't get married and have children.

I wish I had time to write more... .but I want to say welcome. Sometimes I use this place as a journal. Sometimes I use this place to help others. Sometimes I use this place to remind myself what contacting him would do to draw me back in... .and that back in is the last place I want to be.

HUGS! It gets better. It takes a very very long time.