BPDFamily.com

During the past month and a half I have been extremely worried about the emotions of my BPD gf. In May of this year, she lost her father (who sexually abused her and left her when she was 11) and that was around the time that she moved in with me. It should be known that she has had a history of cutting and alcoholism. After a great summer, school started again (we are both teachers). Around this time, I noticed that there was a noticeable decline in her emotional health. Here are several incidents that are leading me to be concerned:

(1) A month and a half ago, during a work outing, my gf was silent at the picnic table and was starting to dissociate. Suddenly she left the picnic table and started to cry uncontrollably saying that she had nothing in common with the people. She went home and was having a nervous breakdown.

(2) We were invited to play music in the Unitarian Universalist church that I go to around a month ago. She grew up in a different church and did not have fond memories. We played through our piece and then suddenly she ran out of church and was crying uncontrollably saying that she felt triggered. After leaving the church, I told her that I was concerned about her emotional stability and suggested she see a counselor. She then was crying and said that she had a right to feel the way she does and that I shouldn't be judging her. I emphasized to her that it was okay to feel the way she was feeling but sometimes we can use the help of some objectivity to understand our emotions.

(3) Today, I get a phone call where she told me that at the school we are teaching at that she was called into the principals office because her colleague has been complaining about her cold shoulder attitude. She perceives him as glaring at her and believes that he is an evil pig because he sends critical emails. During the meeting, she was telling the administrators that she thinks he is worthless, leers at her and was speaking in an angry tone about him. She is now saying statements like "I cannot bear being in the same room with him and can no longer work here." While I know that co-workers are not always desirable, I feel that the intense rage and anger that she is having with him (i.e. throwing her stuff down and silently leaving the room when he enters) is uncalled for and is jeopardizing her professional image.

In addition to these incidents, I have been increasingly concerned about patterns of behavior that I am seeing. She has been spending an increasing amount of time in the apartment watching horror films. On a given weekend, she will spend 6 hours a day watching movies saying that she needs her "space."

My gf has many virtues. I find her to be very intelligent and we have many common interests such as music or reading good books. She works hard at her job and greatly cares about the students. However, I am finding it really hard right now. Having grown up with a mentally ill mother, it is hard for me to cope with my girlfriend's decline in mental health. With any relationship, I know that having a culture of trust and transparency is extremely important. I feel that right now my girlfriend sees the world as a bunch of "triggers" and is retreating into her own space because of it. One thing that I know is that, despite growing up with a mentally ill mother, I do not like the idea of retreating away from triggers and want to have a quality social life in a healthy community. I need this to be happy. I need to also have the support and love of the family and the places that raised me. This is hard right now. I have a really great father that wants to be part of our lives but she has shut my parents out because she got in an argument with my mom and consequently will never go to my parents house again.

But more importantly, I feel that my girlfriend needs psychological help desperately. Ultimately, she needs to be empowered to confront the motions that she is experiencing. I feel really bad that she has never been in an environment where she can express her emotions and feel listened to but she needs to be able to develop effective coping strategies. If this is not done, she will retreat like a hermit. My question is, how should I bring up my concerns that I have her emotions in a tactful way? I realize that I cannot help her or fix her. I feel that whatever happens, she needs to be self empowered. How do I create the conditions in our relationships for this to occur? Having read about the dissociation phase, is there even a chance that this relationship can work?

There is, but it wont fit into the mold you envisage.

It certainly sounds like she has an emotional disorder such as BPD, or it could be some other disorder. That is something only a qualified professional could diagnose.

For you it is important to be able to distinguish between support, enabling and rescuing. It is as much about not loosing yourself in it as it is helping her.

How much does she own that she has issues, and how much does she want to understand herself?

My gf has been having psychological help in the past. Around 10 years ago, she was hospitalized in a psyche ward. She has seen multiple therapists in the past but has not gone to one in years. Around a year ago when we started dating, she seemed like she was much happier and seemed to be having concrete plans to get her life in order. She seemed interested in coming out of her shell, meeting new people and going to new places. Unfortunately, these moments are becoming fewer and further between. I have asked her if she had ever been diagnosed as BPD and she said yes.

There are some days where she is very honest about her condition and wants to get well. A few weeks ago, she said to me "I have been feeling a lot of anger and I would like to exercise more." I think this sort of awareness is what is needed for her to cultivate if she wants to have an emotionally healthy relationship. Then there are other days where she will be biting her fingernails and have a look of extreme fear. Her responses to questions will be weak a passive and weak voice and she retreats to watching her TV.

I can sense a sort of resistance and skepticism towards the idea of getting therapy. In doing research about such therapy programs as DBT, I think they would be wonderful for her as she could develop tools to cope with her emotions.

Ultimately, she will have to decide for herself and have to have the "want" to understand herself. I can support her decision to do this if she is interested. I am just wondering if there is anyway that I could encourage her to get help in a tactful way that will not make her feel like she cannot feel the emotions that she is experiencing? How can I facilitate an open and honest discussion?

Hi bern4606,


straight communication with pwBPD can be difficult in good times and impossible in bad times. There are effective communication strategies that are build on our awareness of their struggles and emotions that can make a big difference. You find these in the LESSONS and in the Workshop section under the heading Validation and under SET. These are skills i.e. need understanding, application, often feedback (from the board etc.) and practice, practice, practice.

You shared that your gf is watching Horror movies. This is an obvious sign that she is in a dark mood and possibly depressed. You may not like her watching horror movies but then telling her to watch comedy would not be helping. In fact it likely would be invalidating turning her mood even darker. The horror movies are a way for her to validate and manage her negative emotions. Watching movies are certainly not the healthiest strategy but there are worse. Exercise can be a good idea (I've seen this good idea also perverted so it certainly is not without risks either).

Your GF seems to have some awareness and interest in self management. One option would be for both of you to focus on better communication of emotions and related facts. Check out the book "The high conflict couple" in the book review section.